Cancer, Depression and Me.

Im so lost in life, i dont know how to find myself. I was just thinking about the fact that i only stayed my sisters for a couple of hours because they were drinking and I wasn't. After all these years im still struggling with sobriety and being around drinkers. I could of easily had a drink yesterday, but I chose to walk away. My kids deserve a sober mum, a present mum. I might be depressed, but im sober and thats the main thing. Im just really struggling with life. I just dont want to be alive anymore, its so sad. I was going say I dont know what happened in life to make me feel this way, but I do, my dad died, I had cancer, my son died. Im a broken woman. Death really changes you as a person, its the worst thing thats ever happened to me. I just dont see how life will get any better. How can it without my dad and son? How do you come back from losing people you love so deeply? I dont think ill ever get better regardless of how much medication my psychiatrist chucks at me. Nothin...

Saw my psychiatrist at dinner time, told her how im suicidal most days and i just dont see a point in me being alive. She said should she be worried and I assured her that I dont want to act on my suicidal ideation. I said I couldnt bare to leave my children. So along with Venlafexine and Olanzopine, ill be taking Mitazapine as well now. All this medication wont bring my dad and son back. Life's hard work, but i refuse to give up.. Jesse went at half 10 this morning for his sleepover at Warwick Castle, I went my sisters to meet up with her and my brother. After a couple of hours id had enough. They were drinking and I wasn't. Feel like I dont fit in anymore. 4 years and 5 months sober and I still have hard days. Its like im living a fucking nightmare that I can't wake up from! Im screaming inside!!  Im in so much pain mentally, i feel dead inside. Jasper is here now, so im not on my own now. Just been telling him about my psychiatrist and I told him ill never leave him and ...

Grief feels so heavy today. My son had so much more life to live, memories to make. He was 21.. my dad was 55, they were both taken far too soon. My heart is broken. I dont know how to come back from losing them both. I dont know how to live without them. Grief is killing me off slowly.. Last day of school today, Jesse breaks up today. Hes going for a sleepover tomorrow at Warwick Castle and im going my sisters for a get together for my brothers 40th birthday. Looking forward to getting out for a few hours and having a child free night. Ill have the bed to myself. I do miss Jesse when hes not here though. Ive been the cafe to see my friends, managed to join in with conversations.  Jesse's got a birthday party to go on Saturday at 4pm which hes looking forward to. All my friends from school are going with their kids so it'll be nice have a catch up with them all. Got no plans for half term, I need to mow my grass in my back garden and ill have to think of things to do with Jesse...

Jensen is home, hes had the best time on his holiday. Hes got a lovely tan and im just happy hes home. Love having my boys around me, they'll grow up and move out as they get older so I cherish my time with them. Even more so since Jay-Dees death. After losing a child it scares the shit out of you, that you'll lose another. I know my boys mental health isn't good since Jay-Dee died and im just scared ill lose another child. We always tell each other we love one another, as often as we can because we know we could be gone any day. You really do never know when you'll live your last day, so always tell people you love that you love them. My last text to Jay-Dee said I love you, thank God.  I always talk to my dad and Jay-Dee, I tell them how much I miss them, in the hopes that they can hear me. I know they're still around me, guiding me through life and giving me the strength to carry on. When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know. How true is that.  T...

Feel like im going insane, keep seeing things on tiktok about people dying by suicide and I just can't help thinking about my own son taking his life. Suicide isn't selfish, he must of been really struggling early hours of the morning he decided to kill himself. My heart breaks every single day. Ill never understand why he killed himself. I know hes in a better place, but my heart is broken. I wish I could just commit suicide and be done with this life, but it would destroy my living children. Cancer stole my father from me! Im in so much pain in my heart from losing them both. I dont know how to live through the pain. I just dont want to be alive anymore. The pain I feel inside is excruciating. Im convinced ill die of a broken heart or depression will win and ill take my own life someday. Everyday is hard work. Being alive is draining me. Im so tired of fighting for a life I dont even want. I force myself to do things that I really dont want to be doing. Went the cafe this mor...

Ive got Jay-Dees funeral song playing over and over in my head. Such a beautiful song that Damian chose. Its one of Damians favourite songs hes loved since he was young. The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars. Ive got those lyrics tattooed above my knee on my right leg with Jay-Dees name underneath. My dad's funeral song was Burning Love by Elvis Presley haha. Dad was a massive ACDC fan, so when his coffin was carried in I chose Highway To Hell by ACDC. I know he would of loved that. When Jay-Dees coffin was carried in we had The Smiths This Charming Man playing. It was Jay-Dees and his best mate Brad's favourite song and for my dad's and Jay-Dees last song we had How Long Will I Love You, by Ellie Golding playing. Makes my heart break just talking about it. Ive sat front row at two funerals and it kills me. Ill never heal from what's happened, no matter how much time has passed. Grief will kill me. Im so broken hearted. Didn't take Jesse school today, hes being bu...

Childhood Dreams by Nelly Furtado. The most beautiful song ive ever heard. Jay-Dees funeral song. Ive listened to it today and it breaks my heart. Looked at photos of Jay-Dee today and I just want to scream out loud!! My baby gone forever. I'll never come to terms with his death or my father's death. Im really struggling with wanting to be alive. Ive met up with a couple of friends today, faked my smile, joined in with conversations, and the whole time I was out, I just wanted to be at home. I wish people knew how hard life is for me. My beautiful son gone forever, my heart is broken. My dad, my best friend, gone forever. How do you come to terms with their deaths? Asking for myself.. for someone thats not afraid to die, I certainly can't deal with death. Its killing me everyday. I go to bed hoping I die in my sleep, I wake up and have to deal with suicidal thoughts everyday. I could easily kill myself. I have enough medication in my kitchen window to take my own life. I th...

So fucking depressed. So fed up of waking up everyday. I know i should be thankful to wake up for my children, but when you suffer with depression its hard to find happiness in waking up. I ordered another canvas yesterday of Jay-Dee to go next to the big one I have in my living room that a few friends brought me. Up my stairs on one wall is covered in canvases. I just love having photos around me of my children. Keeps me going. Im absolutely gutted that my father and son are both dead. It kills me inside every single day. My dad's death destroyed me, that man was my best friend. To then lose a child, oh god, i can't even put into words how much thats destroyed me. My beautiful son gone forever. Nearly 2 years without my son. I could cry, scream, but that wont bring him or my dad back. Im trying to accept their deaths, but I can't. I dont know how to. I dont know how to carry on living. Im really struggling with being alive. I just want to end it all and be done with. Why i...

Don't think i can do this anymore. Im so fed up of being alive. Ive had enough of this groundhog day life. Don't know what I can do to change the way I feel. Losing my father and son has killed me inside. I wear a fake smile everyday, I try to make conversations with my friends and non of them know im dead inside. Im tired of pretending that im ok. I wish someone would take this pain away I feel inside every single day. Im tired of waking up, im tired of trying my best to live, when all I want to do is die. Im just so fucking tired. I hate everything about myself. Ive got nothing inside of me, I feel empty. I just want to end my life.. can't though because it would destroy my kids. Its cruel making me live. I wish my kids new how unhappy I was and say its ok for me to go because id be gone already. I can't keep living like this. Grief is consuming me. Im so depressed. Im so sad inside, but I wear a smile when im around people, its exhausting! Im mentally tired. Im surpr...

Told my sister earlier that I wished I was dead. She said my children need their mum. I told her the only reason im alive is for them. If my last suicide attempt was successful, id of been dead over 5 years now. I truly believe that my dad sent me back. He knew my kids needed their mum. The death of my father and son has destroyed me. Grief is killing me off slowly. I think about them all through the day, im drained all the time. Ive got no will to live, im just surviving each day. I can't seem to snap out of how I feel. I can't find happiness. Jesse was in the bath earlier and I washed his hair, then I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't recognise the person looking back at me. Im a mess. I see my psychiatrist next week, its been months since ive last seen her. She's going to ask me how im feeling and im going to tell her, suicidal. Fed up of being alive and fighting for a life I dont want. Im riddled with anxiety, depression and grief, i ask myself how the fuck ...

I napped today, I never sleep in the day, but i felt so tired. The weather doesnt help, its been chucking it down all day and every now and then the sun pops out. Crazy weather. Was meant be getting my hair done tomorrow, but ive cancelled. I really haven't got the energy sit for hours getting my roots done. Ill get it done next week I think. Thankful that my mum is a hairdresser haha. Not sure how I feel today, im not happy and im not sad. I just feel blah. Not ecstatic to be alive, wouldnt mind dying, but thankful im not dead. Went the cafe this morning, honestly dont know why I go because I dont really contribute to any conversations, I just force myself to go and socialise. Ive got Jasper and Jesse sat with me now, Jensen is in Colombia on his holiday. Ive made chilli tacos for tea with grated cheese, guacamole and salsa sauce. Everyone in the house loves tacos. Considering I had a little sleep today im still mega tired. Can't wait get in bed. Miss my dad and son, but thats...

Im always going to feel sad, even when im happy. I was happy yesterday celebrating Jesse's birthday, but I also felt sad that his brother wasn't with us celebrating. Its so hard having all my boys together knowing one of them is in heaven. I tried my best yesterday to not show sadness. I genuinely smiled when we were out, but still felt sadness. I know its always going to be this way. Just looked at a photo of my dad on Facebook and my heart sank. I miss my dad and son so much it breaks my heart. Jensen has gone on holiday this morning, hes travelling to Colombia. A week without my son. If only Jay-Dee was just on holiday.. still can't believe its nearly 2 years without him, I honestly dont remember the last 2 years. Its like I blink and time passes me by. Its crazy. The strength I get from my children everyday amazes me. They really do keep me alive. Im tired today, didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but Jesse can't have anymore time off. He'll be havi...

Jesse-Johns 10th birthday. We woke up early so he could open his presents, he took bags of Haribos in school for all of his class, the little bags, you know what I mean. We've done his candles and cake after school. Damian booked bowling for us all. We've had the best day and evening. To top it off we're ordering milkshakes. Depression took a back seat today, its Jesse's birthday and ive tried my best to be happy for him. We were all at bowling, myself, Damian, Damians wife Louise, Jensen, Jasper, Mabel and Max. Was so nice being all together, but my heart sank a little not having Jay-Dee with us. Its hard all of us being together and missing a child. Bowling was so much fun, makes me feel a bit guilty having fun when one of my children are dead. He should still be here with us. I was telling Jensen in the car on the way there that its coming up to 2 years since Jay-Dee passed away and even he said how fast the time has gone. I told him I dont even remember the first ye...

Just got back from seeing a couple of my friends, they were on about people they've been with, well one was and the other was saying shes in a relationship and its all going well. Then there's me, no interest in being in a relationship. Ive come home feeling deflated. They were on about nights out and other stuff and the whole time I was sat there thinking, I just dont fit into this world anymore. I said im too fucked up to be with anyone and they didn't say a word, which spoke volumes to me. Ive just come home and told Jasper I dont see the point in me being alive, how I dont fit in anymore. He just said ill meet someone soon. Its not about meeting anyone, well it is a bit, but its more that I dont fit in. My friends did most of the talking, I just sat there with my fake smile on my face. My dad and my son are dead and now I dont know who I am or why im still alive. I honestly dont want to be here anymore. I feel so fed up. Im losing the will to live. I feel like giving up...

I dreamt i was pregnant last night and i called the baby Jay after Jay-Dee. Dreaming of being pregnant symbolises new beginnings and personal growth. Such a weird dream to have, but im open to new beginnings what ever that may be and personal growth. Anyway, its 12:25pm and ive just got back from Asda with Jesse. Hes picked a football birthday cake, we've brought candles and a birthday badge for him to wear for school. Hes so excited bless him. Just waiting for my Amazon delivery with the rest of his birthday gifts. Im making chilli tacos for tea. I feel ok today, not as good as I felt yesterday, but im ok. Didn't wake up till half 10 this morning and I really could of slept longer, but I have to get up to feed my dog and cat. I have to stay alive for my kids and animals, who else would look after them like I do? I have to remind myself that people need me alive and thats what keeps me going. My children need their mum. I know my dad will be looking after Jay-Dee for me until I...

Just ordered Jesse some shorts and t shirt sets for his birthday with some other bits. Still can't believe hes turning 10 on Monday. Hes going have to go bed early Sunday so I can do his banners and balloons. Im so excited for him. I was up at 6:20am this morning before my alarm went off. Ive showered today to wash my tan off and ive even washed my hair!! Feel so much better today, thank God. My brother has been to drop me a crate of pop off, ive done some washing thats currently in the dryer. Ill fold it all when its dry. Feel so much better today, of course im still sad that my dad and son are no longer here, but im feeling better. Ive just said to myself, I forgive you Jay-Dee for taking your own life. That's a massive thing to do. Of course i forgive him, hes my baby boy, it just doesnt make things any easier. Going to force myself to see my friends at some point over the weekend too. Even on my better days I carry a sadness within me. Im so thankful for these better days I...

Been to my attendance meeting today about Jesse's poor attendance. 82% hes on, i didn't think that was too bad, but its meant to be above 90%. Oh well, some days I just dont want to leave the house and thats what i told her. Not felt too bad today, but ive had Jasper here all day as he stayed over last night. I always feel better when I have my boys with me, thats why it breaks my heart that one of my children are dead. Doesn't even sound right writing that. One of my children are gone forever, its crazy. Just feel like im living a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Anyway, ive just done a tan on my face, hands and feet to see if having a bit of a tan will make me feel better, but now ive got to wake up in the morning extra early and shower. Instantly regretting it. Sick of feeling like shit all the time. Im carrying grief better today. Went the cafe see my friends, joined in with conversations. 2 of them asked if I wanted go shopping with them, i had to decline as im...

Can someone please tell me how to find happiness again? Im so sad. My father and son are on my mind all day, everyday. I think about their deaths and how much its destroyed my life. Im thinking of dying my hair dark, im fed up of having roots. My hair looks a mess and im sick of it. Its adding to my depression. Ive put 2 hair dyes in my Amazon basket for when ive got some money and im going brown. Its time for a change. Ive had a shit day today mentally speaking. Went the cafe to see a few friends, told one of them that my mental health is bad and she said she knows. It must be because I dont talk much, I wouldnt bother going, but I have to force myself to socialise so I dont get even more depressed. Im so fed up of doing this life, but I just can't give up. I have to show up for my kids. I dont see the point in me being alive, im sad all the time and im sick of it. Sick and tired of grieving and i know its a forever thing. I can't live like this forever. I told my friends this...

Wonder if ill make it to the age of 50? Im 42 now and when im 50 i want to take out a funeral plan and pay monthly so my kids dont have to worry when im dead, but thats if I make it to 50.. the way things are going, its not likely. I absolutely hate being alive. Couldn't go see my friends this morning because Jasper had a parcel coming and its a good job I rushed back because his parcel was just sat on the step when I got home. Im tired today, didn't want to get up, but I forced myself. Ive got an attendance meeting Thursday about Jesse's attendance so I really need him in school so no more time off. We go away July 1st so ill probably get a fine, but id rather pay a fine than the price of the holiday in half term. The prices shoot up, its ridiculous! Ive not brought anything yet for the holiday, my heart isn't in it. I honestly wish id never booked it. Im sure we'll have the best time when we're there. I hope. Not sure how i feel today, im not happy, but im not...

Jesse's still with Damian after his sleepover last night, Jasper is asleep here on the settee and im sat thinking I can't do this anymore. Feel so overwhelmed with life. I really can't do this anymore, but im left with no choice but to survive. Its 11:48am and ive already lost the will to live. Depression is heavy today. Im not doing anything with my life except surviving. Im using all my strength to just get through each day. Im so tired of being alive. I was awake at half 4 this morning being sick. I had really bad acid in my throat. Don't know why. Then I slept in till 10:45am. Ive done my dishes, im doing a load of washing which ill fold when its all dry and thats my day. Bank holiday Monday and im stuck in doors losing the will to live. My throat is sore from being sick too. I dont want to be here anymore, but ive no choice but to stay alive for my kids. So fed up of feeling like this everyday. Its really getting me down. I dont go anywhere to meet anyone and im sc...

After saying yesterday that I was feeling ok and not suicidal, last night I thought about sticking a blade straight through my jugular.. what is fucking wrong with me?!. Ive felt like shit all day today, didn't want get out of bed this morning, but someone has to feed Jesse and the animals. I have to get up and keep the house going. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight so ill have the bed to myself. Ive done nothing today, just surviving. Im so glad I dont drink alcohol anymore and I can control the intrusive thoughts. If I was still drinking id be dead by now. I would of taken my own life. Life's hard enough sober, so it would be ten times worse if I was drunk. 4 years and 5 months sober now, no going back. I still have the odd day now and again where I could just drink a pint, especially when the sun is out, but I have to push through for my kids. I hate having suicidal thoughts, I wish I was normal. For me, living is torture. I just want to be happy and enjoy life, but grief an...

Finally, a better day. Im low, but not as low as ive been feeling. Got dressed today and took my dog for a walk, she must of thought it was her birthday or something haha. Jesse came on his bike, it was good to get out of the house and go for a walk. Im not suicidal today. Thank God. Im having a day off my diet today, ive been fasting all week and lost a big fat nothing! Ill carry on after today, but i usually dont diet on a Saturday. Its a cheat day. Not going lie, i can't wait climb into bed and have a cuddle off Jesse. I love being asleep, its my escape from life. So thankful for days like today where ive got a bit of motivation and will to live. I wouldnt say no to dying, but today im glad im alive for my boys.  Damian has booked Warwick Castle for the half term to take Jesse for a sleepover for a birthday treat. Jesse's going to love it. Damian does so much with him and im so thankful to him. He has him every Sunday too. They're always going out to new places and makin...

Ive literally got nothing to say anymore. I was at the cafe with my friends and I just kept smiling at them when they were talking to me. I barely say a word. I dont see the point in going if im honest when I have nothing to say, but i go because I force myself to socialise. All I want to do is lie in my bed, curled up in a ball and let time pass me by. I really dont see a point to my existence. Im losing the will to live. Im hanging on by a thread. Don't know how im going to live for the rest of my life. I dont want to grow old, I just dont want to be here anymore. Im so depressed its unreal. Depression will take my life one day. I have enough medication in to end my life, I think about it most days, but like I say, I just can't leave my boys without a mum. So I have to keep getting through each day regardless of how I feel. Life is tough, it really is hard work for me. Its a battle to get through each day without killing myself. Thank god ive got my boys to keep me going. I t...