Cancer, Depression and Me.

Weighed myself this morning and it said id lost 2lb. Just weighed myself again and its saying I gained 4lb. I have just eaten so I hope thats why, but fuck me, 4lbs! 2 weeks now ive been eating healthy, its killing me haha. Getting a pizza for tea tonight for the kids and I wont be having any. Dieting is torture. Couldn't go see my friends at the cafe this morning because when I got to school Amazon said they were 3 stops away, so had to rush back so my packages didn't get stolen off my doorstep. Im feeling ok today, mentally speaking. Jasper is here so im not on my own. Jesse will be finishing school in 35 minutes. The sun is shining and its not been a bad day. If I weigh myself in the morning and I have gained 4lb im going be devastated. That will be the curry I had Saturday night. My own fault. Ill carry on dieting, im trying my best to lose weight. Its so hard!  I was thinking this morning about my dad's final days in hospital and had to snap myself out of it. I think a...

Feel really deflated today. Ive been the cafe to meet my friends and I just felt like I dont fit in. Tried joining in, in conversation, but I literally have nothing to say. When I went my mates yesterday, she was telling me that shes dating someone and how her date went, and then she said hows things with me.. I had nothing to say, I just said I was ok. Ive got nothing going on in my life, nothing to talk about. How do you tell someone that not committing suicide is the main part of my day?.. I should be thankful really that I have a peaceful life I guess. Tomorrow will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. If I hadnt of gone for my cervical screening I might not be here now. It was caught early, stage 1b I was. I guess i should be thankful that it was caught early and cut out, along with all my womb, ovaries, the lot. Plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. If I hadnt of been ontop of my smears my kids wouldnt have their mum, so thank God. My next appointment at the hospital shou...

So last night Jasper and Jesse-John went with Damian for a sleepover at 5:30pm, Jensen went Manchester for a friends birthday, so for the first time in forever I was home alone. Felt a bit lost, but enjoyed some me time. So I thought to myself, fuck the diet and I ordered myself a chicken tikka jelafraze with a garlic nan. I sat on my own and enjoyed it. Felt like a right fatty after, didn't eat it all, think my stomach has shrunk with dieting and fasting. Weighed myself this morning and ive only lost 2lb upto now this week. Bit shit really, but ill carry on doing what im doing. I slept in till half 9 this morning, woke up dead refreshed because I think I went sleep about half 9 last night haha. Anyway, ive been see my friend Rachael today and then nipped Home Bargains with Jensen. Went Asda get the stuff to make chilli for tea which Jensen asked for. Ive cooked tea and washed up. Plated everyone's food up and im done. Sat waiting for Jesse and Jasper to come and thats it. You ...

Not felt too bad today. Got up this morning, got ready and myself and Jesse went the shops so he could ride his bike. There's sun was shining and I felt ok. Its Damians birthday today, brought him some gifts and a cake off the kids. We've always brought each other presents off the kids even though we're not together. Its really nice. Hes just collected Jesse for a sleepover, Jasper has gone too. Jensen is in Manchester day drinking with a group of friends for one of their birthdays. I have the house to myself. I messaged Jensen saying stay safe and I love you. The same message I sent Jay-Dee before he died. Scares the shit out of me now when my kids go out, incase they dont come home. Losing a child can do that. You worry so much more about losing another child, its literally heartbreaking. Couldn't bare to lose another child. Just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. I know my kids are struggling with their mental health too and it worries me. Losing Jay-Dee ha...

Just been to Jesse's assembly, Damian came with Mabel and Max and I just know that would have made Jesse's day. He absolutely loves them all to bits. Made me so proud seeing him standing at the front with his certificate. Im super proud of him. Anyway, I prayed last night when I closed my eyes that id see my dad and son in my dreams, and I did. My dad was dying still and I remember crying in my sleep, but Jay-Dee was absolutely fine. Im so happy I got to see them both. My dad is always dying in my dreams, its horrible. Absolutely loved seeing them both though and then I woke up.. gutted I woke up, but also thankful I did. Ive got a love hate relationship with life. Hate being alive, but also thankful I am to see my boys. Im living life in limbo, I miss my old life with my dad and son so much, but im sober now and I appreciate the little things. Seeing Jesse this morning collect his certificate made me realise how much he needs me and so do my other boys. I just wish I could be ...

Had a text off the school saying Jesse will be getting a certificate in assembly tomorrow morning and im welcome to attend. Hes worked super hard this week and he'll be getting a certificate. Super proud! Ive not told him as I want to surprise him in the morning when he sees me walk into his assembly to watch him. Hes no idea hes getting one. I think Damian is coming too, which will make Jesse's day. I was thinking about how depressed I am, along with grieving, but I always show up for my kids. I get my house work done. Just need to tackle the showering. Can't wait to see Jesse's little face light up when hes called up to the front of the assembly. Its little things like this that keep me going. My friend asked me if I wanted go out today and I turned her down. Just not feeling socialising. I went the cafe this morning and stayed for an hour and then my social battery ran out. I joined in with conversations as much as I could, ive just got nothing to say anymore. Unless...

I dont take care of myself anymore, I dont put mascara on like i use to. I forget to spray my perfume before I leave the house and I dont buy myself any new clothes. Ive really let myself go. Having depression is horrible. Im trying to take some control back of my life by dieting. Maybe when im slimmer ill make more of an effort, I dont know. Im really trying my best with dieting, I really want to lose some weight. Well, alot of weight. Ive lost my identity and im struggling to find it, but im trying. I went the cafe this morning, dont know why I bother because I never have much to say. I just push myself to socialise. I could easily just shut the world out and stay indoors, but I know it wouldnt be good for me. Losing my father destroyed me, I can't cope with what's happened. Im struggling to process his death, and then my son dies. What was left of me, died. Ive never felt pain like im feeling. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I am so depressed, I can't ...

Jesse's back in school, ive loved having him off over the holidays. Hes a good boy so hes been no mither at all. Had a cry at school, my friends grandad has passed away and we were talking about the death rattle you get just before you pass away. It took me back to watching my dad take his final breath. Absolutely horrendous. Her grandad brought her up, so its like her father has passed away. I told her the pain never goes away. It'll be 6 years in November for my dad and its still killing me everyday. 2 years in June for my son and again, it kills me everyday. It was nice been able to talk to someone that is going through what I am going through. Someone can relate to how I feel everyday. I know there's people all over the world that are feeling the pain im feeling and it breaks my heart. Life was never meant to be this way.. 7 days dieting and ive lost a whopping 11lbs. That's with having one meal a day, fasting and being in a calorie deficit. If I carry on like this ...

Jesse's been poorly since Friday night, burning up and feeling sick and last night he was sick. Was meant to be back to school today, but instead hes in bed with a sick bowl.. another day stuck in the house. I did nip out for a couple of hours yesterday, I went meet 3 of my friends for a catch up. They're all in relationships now and one of them said its your turn now Ann-Louise. I said im not in the right head space to be with anyone. What if im single forever? I dont need to be with anyone do i? Feel pressured! How can I be with anyone with how bad my mental health is? I tried it with Natalie and look how that turned out. She was a piss head and i dont want to be with a drinker. I dont have to be with one if I dont want to. Someone will come when the time is right id imagine. I honestly feel like I dont fit into this world anymore. Is my only purpose of being alive to be a mum? Surely there's more to my life right? I remember asking my psychiatrist if my only purpose was ...

So Jesse's still poorly, Damian dropped me medicine off yesterday for him. Im meant be going to meet up with my friends later, but we'll see if I go. I feel so low, i feel like im behind in the world. My friends are all dating and ive got no interest in meeting anyone. What's wrong with me? I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Life is moving on and im stuck in grief. I keep thinking someone will come when the time is right, I just feel a bit left out. I feel like everyone is winning in life except me. How long will i be grieving for? Forever id imagine.. not a day goes by that im not sad over losing my father and son. Every single day I think of them and how my life has dramatically changed since they died. I feel empty inside. Dead. I dont enjoy being alive anymore. I use to be so outgoing and now im a shell of my old self. Back to school tomorrow and ill be meeting up with my friends in the cafe, ill wear my fake smile and act like im ok, when deep down inside im hurting ba...

Had Jesse burning up all night, hes not very well, but he wants to sleep Damians tonight so we'll see how he is later. His new passport is being delivered today, Damian did his renewal and paid for it. Hes so good to me and the boys. Im blessed to have an ex who is as good as he is. So looks like im not leaving the house any time soon. Just had an Iceland shop delivered because I can't leave the house. Ive just been sat thinking, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this life. I just want to end it all. I know I can't and it kills me. Jesse's poorly, how could I even think about suicide? Im just fed up of being depressed. Im not living, im just surviving. Trying my best to get through each day. Ive just seen photos of Jay-Dees best mate Brad on Facebook all dressed up going to the races and my heart sank, because Jay-Dee would of probably gone with him all dressed up. Im just gutted. I look at photos everyday of my dad and son and I still can't believe they...

Ive realised that ive isolated myself the past few weeks, dont know if its because its the school holidays or not, but ive not been out of the house much. Ive not been to see my friends, I just haven't had the energy, mentally speaking. Feel really low, im so depressed. I had an email today off Tui saying 82 days until my holiday. I should be excited, but im not. Im filled with anxiety about going on my own with Jasper and Jesse. Ive brought nothing to take yet as I want to lose some weight. I just wish I was excited. Jesse went out with Damian at half 12 to go bowling and hes still not home. Its 6:12pm now. Ive cleaned up today, hoovered around and ive even showered and washed my hair! Spent my free time stuck in the house cleaning up. Its been a nice relaxing day if im honest, apart from the cleaning and the chore of washing my hair. Can't seem to find happiness and im trying my best with life, but im just not happy being alive. Grief is eating me alive. All I ever think abou...

I asked myself today, what would my dad and son be saying to me? Im sure they'd be telling me to live my life and be happy, but I dont know how to be happy without them. I dont know this new life im learning to live. Ive lost myself along the way. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. I dont recognise myself when i look in the mirror. Im so depressed. My mate has invited me hers for a catch up, and I just can't be bothered to go. Forced myself to shower today, go me! Something people do everyday and i have to force myself to shower. Depression and grief are killing me. Ive spent the day doing nothing, just watching the time pass me by. Done some washing, showered, made Jesse food all day, but thats it. Ive prayed for strength to get me through the day and its now 4:05pm. Yesterday I had washing pegged out, today I have the fire on. Day 2 of calorie counting along with fasting and its going ok. Honestly, after seeing photos of myself at my sisters bbq, it gave me a wake up ...

Playing Nerf guns with Jesse, hes just said "mum, my life flashed before my eyes" and in my head i said, "Jay-Dees will of done before he died". Why is my brain like this? Trying to have fun with Jesse and my own brain sabotage me. Its really me versus me. Woke up about 10am, decided to immediately get dressed instead of sitting in my pjs all day. Took Jesse to get his hair cut and went Asda for ingredients to make Jay-Dees favourite tea, chilli. Ive been on a calorie deficit today, eating under 1400 calories, going try do it everyday and lose some weight before my holiday. Got one more payment and ive paid it all off. Booked it last year so I could pay it off monthly. Absolutely shitting myself about taking the boys abroad on my own, ive always gone with another adult. Im sure ill be ok. Pray for me. Cooked tea, done the dishes, taken my evening meds and thats my day. Had a really good time yesterday at my sisters, but I came home after a few hours. My brother and ...

Sat with my eyes closed telling myself in my head that im not ok. I can't remember the last time I was ok. Myself and Jesse are dressed and ready to go my sisters for a bbq, but I wish I was lying in bed. Im so tired of being alive. Ill put a smile on my face and act like im ok, but im dead inside. Tired of pretending to be ok. Its draining me. Im so tired, mentally and physically. I just want to get into bed and stay there forever, but I can't.. anyway, off to the bbq I go.

Feel deflated today, ive got no go in me. Don't want leave the house, but dont want be stuck in the house. Welcome to my brain. Doesn't know what it wants! Can't afford to go out even if i wanted to. Had Iceland delivered so I dont have to go the shops. Roll on tomorrow, bbq at my sisters with the family. Im so heartbroken its unreal. My heart aches for what ive lost. My head is a mess. I feel so isolated. Can't be bothered to go see my friends. Ive just got no go in me. This is depression and grief. Im screaming inside for the life that ive lost. The me before all this tragedy happened. I know I can't go back because I dont belong there anymore. Im sober now, im on a new journey to find me again. Grief is a lonely road to be on. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, had to get up though to feed my animals. Ive not showered for a few days and my hair hasn't been washed for about a week. Im just sat in my pjs wishing the day would just pass me by. Ill b...

Gutted me not buying Jay-Dee an easter egg when I brought his brothers one. Its the little things that hurt the most. Im watching something called The Cleaning Lady on Netflix and there's a man in it called Jay-Dee. Thought I was hearing things at first, but the more the name was said I realised he was actually called Jay-Dee. How crazy is that. Ive stripped Jesse's bed and washed his bottom sheet. Ive binned his quilt cover because ive brought him a new coverless duvet to put on. Im getting him back into his own bed, i want my bed back. He slept in his own room last night, so i thought it was time to make it all cosy for him with new bedding. Ive got no plans for today, just watching this on Netflix and have a chilled out day eating chocolate. Its my nephews birthday Tuesday and my sister is doing a bbq so that will be nice, just hope the weather is nice for it. Its currently hailing and raining, it looks miserable outside. Ive just put my heating on because im freezing. Dream...

Been questioning my sobriety and why im even sober, so i reached out to my brother and sister on our group chat. My sister said i would spiral and that I self harm when im drunk and that I also wouldnt stop at one drink. I needed to hear them words because they're all true. Its only 11am and i feel sad that my dad and son are no longer here with me. Just been looking at the canvases on my stairs of my dad and son and my heart sank. I can't tell you how much I miss them both. Its hurts my heart. Why am I questioning my sobriety? Maybe because I feel like i dont fit in and I did when I was drinking. I dont drink, I quit the weed about 8 weeks ago, I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, I literally vape thats it and im giving that up when I go on holiday. I thought it would be a good time to quit, not buying one when im away. I tried to kill myself so many times in drink which is why I got sober. My kids are proud of me so why am I questioning it?! I dunno, im just having one of those day...

Been out today with Jesse to meet my sister and niece, Athena. Was nice to see them both. We went Costa and for myself and Jesse to have a bottle of Oasis, it cost nearly £6.. £6 for 2 bottles of pop. Absolutely ridiculous, yes I brought them as we were thirsty, but to then go in Poundland and they're a £1. Disgusting. Anyway, went Primark and brought some more new pjs. I have more pjs than I do clothes, but they're all covered in little holes where my cat claws the fuck out of my legs. Hes only 5 months old so im hoping he grows out of it because he can be quite pevish haha. Went round a few shops, got some bits from Iceland and came home. Straight into my new pjs haha. Was looking at the holiday stuff in Primark which ill have to start buying soon because our holiday to Magaluf is fast approaching. Im honestly dreading it. Ill be ok when we arrive, im just panicking about the airport and finding our transfers when we arrive. I have to keep telling myself ill be ok. Just had c...

March went by fast, I find that I dissociate alot and the months just pass me by. Jesse has just got home from his sleepover and cinema morning with Damian. He gave me a big hug and said he missed me. This is why I keep living. Its the little things that make a massive difference. That hug saved my life. My boys dont realise how much they save me everyday. Its 1:22pm and im still in my pjs. Had the laziest morning with Jesse not being here. Trying to be positive today and thankful. I try everyday to be as positive as I possibly can, but some days are so heavy. I struggle most days, so im always thankful for the "better" days. Myself and Jesse are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow for hot chocolates, which will be nice. Im just doing a load of washing and im making a pasta bake for tea. Last night it was just me and Jensen in the house, so we had a cheeky take away. I had omelette and chips. Was so nice. I love an omelette from the take away, always taste better ...