May 2nd Saturday.

Finally, a better day. Im low, but not as low as ive been feeling. Got dressed today and took my dog for a walk, she must of thought it was her birthday or something haha. Jesse came on his bike, it was good to get out of the house and go for a walk. Im not suicidal today. Thank God. Im having a day off my diet today, ive been fasting all week and lost a big fat nothing! Ill carry on after today, but i usually dont diet on a Saturday. Its a cheat day. Not going lie, i can't wait climb into bed and have a cuddle off Jesse. I love being asleep, its my escape from life. So thankful for days like today where ive got a bit of motivation and will to live. I wouldnt say no to dying, but today im glad im alive for my boys. 

Damian has booked Warwick Castle for the half term to take Jesse for a sleepover for a birthday treat. Jesse's going to love it. Damian does so much with him and im so thankful to him. He has him every Sunday too. They're always going out to new places and making memories. Makes me sad that I can't do alot with him because of my anxiety, but he has the best times with Damian. Might not be his biological father, but hes brought him up as his own and for that im so grateful. 

DNA doesnt make you a parent, being in a child's life and showing up for them does. Damian is present and consistent. That's what makes you a father.

My dad was the best father ever, I miss him so much. I just hope my dad is looking after my son in heaven and they're waiting for my time to come.