May 20th Wednesday.

Jensen is home, hes had the best time on his holiday. Hes got a lovely tan and im just happy hes home. Love having my boys around me, they'll grow up and move out as they get older so I cherish my time with them. Even more so since Jay-Dees death. After losing a child it scares the shit out of you, that you'll lose another. I know my boys mental health isn't good since Jay-Dee died and im just scared ill lose another child. We always tell each other we love one another, as often as we can because we know we could be gone any day. You really do never know when you'll live your last day, so always tell people you love that you love them. My last text to Jay-Dee said I love you, thank God. 

I always talk to my dad and Jay-Dee, I tell them how much I miss them, in the hopes that they can hear me. I know they're still around me, guiding me through life and giving me the strength to carry on. When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know. How true is that. 

Today consists of getting Jensens washing done, im making a curry for tea. Im still depressed, but I feel ok. Not ecstatic about being alive, but here I am trying my best.

Im always going to miss my dad and son, every single day I miss them. Not a day goes by where I dont think about them both. I just pray my dad has got my son safely in his arms. I hope they're waiting for me, for when my time comes.

You should be able have assisted dying for people like me that suffer with chronic depression. Its not fair having to live like this. 

But anyway, im ok..