May 19th Tuesday.

Feel like im going insane, keep seeing things on tiktok about people dying by suicide and I just can't help thinking about my own son taking his life. Suicide isn't selfish, he must of been really struggling early hours of the morning he decided to kill himself. My heart breaks every single day. Ill never understand why he killed himself. I know hes in a better place, but my heart is broken. I wish I could just commit suicide and be done with this life, but it would destroy my living children. Cancer stole my father from me! Im in so much pain in my heart from losing them both. I dont know how to live through the pain. I just dont want to be alive anymore. The pain I feel inside is excruciating. Im convinced ill die of a broken heart or depression will win and ill take my own life someday. Everyday is hard work. Being alive is draining me. Im so tired of fighting for a life I dont even want. I force myself to do things that I really dont want to be doing. Went the cafe this morning, didn't want go, but I forced myself to socialise. Made a cottage pie for tea, didn't have the energy, but ive made one for the kids. I just feel overwhelmed with life. I feel like i can't go on anymore, but I dont have a choice but to stay alive. Can you imagine how devastated my kids would be if I killed myself? Doesn't bare thinking about. I have no choice but to live. Im tired, emotionally and physically tired. Mentally drained. Feel like I can't go on anymore, but I know i have no choice..