May 17th Sunday.

Childhood Dreams by Nelly Furtado. The most beautiful song ive ever heard. Jay-Dees funeral song. Ive listened to it today and it breaks my heart. Looked at photos of Jay-Dee today and I just want to scream out loud!! My baby gone forever. I'll never come to terms with his death or my father's death. Im really struggling with wanting to be alive. Ive met up with a couple of friends today, faked my smile, joined in with conversations, and the whole time I was out, I just wanted to be at home. I wish people knew how hard life is for me. My beautiful son gone forever, my heart is broken. My dad, my best friend, gone forever. How do you come to terms with their deaths? Asking for myself.. for someone thats not afraid to die, I certainly can't deal with death. Its killing me everyday. I go to bed hoping I die in my sleep, I wake up and have to deal with suicidal thoughts everyday. I could easily kill myself. I have enough medication in my kitchen window to take my own life. I think about it alot. I think about self harming. The release id get from cutting my wrists. The only thing that stops me are my children!. The only reason ive not killed myself is because of them. I couldnt bare for them to live with this pain I live with. They're struggling with losing their brother. To lose a parent on top would destroy them like it has me. Ive lost my father and son and lost myself along the way. My heart has been shattered. I dont know who I am anymore. Im so lost in life. I dont fit in anymore. I keep searching for me, but I can't find her anywhere. I just dont fit into life anymore. I dont understand why im still alive. My friends are all doing things with their lives, they've always got so much to talk about, and then there's me, I have nothing to say. Im getting no enjoyment out of being alive. I just dont know how long I can live like this. Grief is killing me. Maybe ill die eventually from a broken heart. Don't know how much longer I can keep faking my smile...