May 14th Thursday.

Told my sister earlier that I wished I was dead. She said my children need their mum. I told her the only reason im alive is for them. If my last suicide attempt was successful, id of been dead over 5 years now. I truly believe that my dad sent me back. He knew my kids needed their mum. The death of my father and son has destroyed me. Grief is killing me off slowly. I think about them all through the day, im drained all the time. Ive got no will to live, im just surviving each day. I can't seem to snap out of how I feel. I can't find happiness. Jesse was in the bath earlier and I washed his hair, then I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't recognise the person looking back at me. Im a mess. I see my psychiatrist next week, its been months since ive last seen her. She's going to ask me how im feeling and im going to tell her, suicidal. Fed up of being alive and fighting for a life I dont want. Im riddled with anxiety, depression and grief, i ask myself how the fuck am I getting through each day feeling the way I feel. Im really struggling with wanting to be alive. I know I have the odd better day here and there, but the low days outweigh the better days. Ive got a scream inside of me that no one can hear. I just want to scream out loud!! I want my dad and son back. I hate life.