May 27th Wednesday.

35 days until I go on holiday. Why did I book it a year ago thinking id be "better" by now? I was fucking delusional! Anxiety is kicking in big time about going. Ive brought nothing for myself to take. Jesse has 5 outfits to take which are lovely. There's still so much that I need to buy, with little money to get it all. What will be, will be. I keep telling myself that ill be fine once I get on the plane, but im so nervous. Ive always gone away with another adult, so its daunting going on my own with just Jasper and Jesse-John. I'll be ok wont I?

Not done alot today, had my dad and son on my mind like always. Jensen took me collect my medication and then to Asda to get something for tea. We're having bacon and cheese oatcakes. 

I miss my dad and son so much, life is just so cruel. Im dreading next Tuesday when it'll be 2 years for Jay-Dee. Can you imagine going 2 years without speaking to or seeing your child? It's torture. I speak to my dad and son everyday, i tell them how much I miss them and in my heart, I know they can hear me. I just know they're with me everyday and that gives me some comfort. I honestly can't wait to die so I can see them again.

Jasper went for a hair cut yesterday and when he walked in the house, I glanced at him and for a brief second, I saw Jay-Dees face. Jasper is so much like Jay-Dee. They have the same jaw line. Jay-Dee was such a good looking boy. He use to have all the girls after him. Ill post a pic at the end of him. I miss my child so much. I miss my dad, my best friend with all my heart. I just miss them both.

Finally got my hair done yesterday, hated every minute of it, but its done and back up on my head in a bun. Mum wanted cut some off, but I said we shave it or leave it. 

Anyway here's a photo of my baby. Hes the one in the light grey jacket, hes with 2 of his best friends. Jay-Dee F21.