Cancer, Depression and Me.

Been awake since half 4 this morning, dont know why I woke up that early. Ive showered today and washed my hair. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is. Needed to shave my legs, but that can be for another day. Feel a bit blah today, not ecstatic about being alive, but then again I never am. Ive stripped my bedding and its now drying outside on the washing line. Smells lovely. Can't wait get into fresh bedding, its the best feeling. Not really got alot to say today. I know ill be in bed early tonight, its 1pm and im already done with the day. Might take Jesse the cinema tomorrow, he wants to watch the new Spiderman thats come out. Yeh I think i will.

10 years ago, when I was 32 years of age, i came out as gay. I started to date a woman and I remember telling my boys, I remember Jay-Dee saying its socially acceptable these days and that comment stuck with me. Such a grown up thing to say. I was thinking about it earlier so thought id share that memory. I miss him so much.  Just finished watching Manifest. 4 seasons, feel like ive been watching it forever haha. Starting Crow Gril next its meant be really good. Its on Prime, its new. Going cook Jesse some eggs now because hes hungry again for the 100th time today and hes requested scrambled eggs.  7.43pm now, Jasper will be going soon, he stayed over last night. When he goes ill be getting in bed watch some tv.  Early start tomorrow as my brother comes mega early on a Friday to drop my crate of pop off that I have every week. Im still off the vape, can't believe i actually quit. Makes me think, what kind of life have I even got. I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont vape, I...

Went my sisters yesterday with my mum and all the kids. They all played in the hot tub. My mum made a lovely salad for dinner. I stayed about 5 hours, which is alot longer than I usually stay out of the house, so im proud of myself for pushing myself to interact longer. After my mum left, my brother came. It was a lovely day catching up with the family.  This evening im going a friends to meet up with a few friends for a catch up. Can't be bothered really, my social battery is a bit low, but ill push myself to go. Ill have to wait for Jasper to come though so he can watch Jesse for me. I feel a bit deflated. Not sure why. I miss my dad and son so much. I hate that ive got to carry on living without them. Ill never get to see my dad grow old or my son become a man. He was just a baby. 21 and 55 are no age to die. It kills me inside. I just need to live long enough to see my boys grow up, then im done. Im 42 now, I dont see myself here next year, but saying that ive thought the same ...

I forgot to blog yesterday, Jesse spent the day out with Damian, Louise and the kids. He didn't get back home till 8ish at night. Im laid up to the eye balls, sore throat and my nose wont stop running. Got go the job centre today with Jasper. Not looking forward to it because its an half an hour appointment and I feel like shit, but he doesn't want to go on his own. Going my sisters tomorrow for a bbq, mums going too. Be nice have a catch up. Dont see my mum that often so it'll be nice. I honestly feel like shit, wish I could just spend the day in bed. Need go Asda too to get some food in for tea. God knows what im going do. Sick of thinking everyday what do for tea. Mental health is suffering a bit through the school holidays, it'll be because im not leaving the house as much as I was. Feel a bit deflated. Miss my dad and son. I was talking to them the other day hoping they could hear me. Told them how much I miss them and how life is so hard without them both here. Ev...

I was half asleep this morning in a dream like state and I remember thinking to myself, I need to ring my dad to see if hes ok because I know hes got cancer and ive not heard off him in a few days. Then it slowly came to me that he was already dead and my heart broke all over again. Was so weird. I was awake, but asleep if that makes sense. Ive woken up with a sore throat today. My plan is to take Jesse Forest Park with his scooter, but im really not feeling it. I dont know, ill see how i feel after dinner. Did I tell you Jesse got his first phone yesterday? Hes over the moon, took me ages set it up and add all the family's phone numbers etc. Ive put life360 on our phones so we both know where each other are all the time. Can't believe hes got a phone, it was bound to happen sooner or later, hes in year 6 in September. Last year of primary school. Crazy how fast time goes. Ive got no motivation to do anything, i need to get myself dressed and leave this house, even if its just ...

Done nothing today except watch Manifest on Netflix. Its really good. I was thinking earlier about how death has completely changed my life, from being so outgoing to barely recognising myself. I didn't stay there too long because it would of made me sad, but it does make you think. Anyway, got my brother coming tomorrow. Jesse gets his first phone tomorrow, just a Samsung, but hes dead excited. My little boy is growing up way too fast. He needs his own phone now because he keeps using mine whilst hes gaming, talking to his cousin Luther. He was going have a phone for Christmas so its only a few months early. I remember when Jay-Dee and Jensen had their first phones when they were in primary school and now one is dead and one is on the sick at work because hes depressed. How life changes. Miss my son and dad so much. Everyday is hard without them, but im trying my best to live this life ive been given. I miss my dad's company, I use to have a beer with him every single day. Not...

Didn't get out of bed till nearly 11am. Jesse just let's me sleep, he gets up and just goes on his computer, bless him. If I didn't have Jesse and animals to feed id just rot in bed all day. Im just tired all the time. Its 7pm now and I can't wait get back into bed. Im trying get through all Jasper's washing hes brought back off his holiday.  We've had Domino's pizza for tea, I only had 2 slices because im on the Reta jab. Trying to cut my calories down. I'd usually have a large pizza to myself and eat half now and half the next day, so the jab is working because I was full after 2 slices. Im 12lb down. 2 more lbs and ive lost a stone. I can do this! Im fasting now till tomorrow dinner time, i think its helping the weight loss. Mentally im doing ok. Had a few sad moments, but ive snapped myself out of it. Got to keep going for my boys.

Met up with my sister today at Forest Park, I took Jesse and she had 2 of her kids. They took scooters, skateboards and skates and had alot of fun. The weather was lovely, we had ice creams and ice lollies. The kids had fun and thats the main thing. Its so hard finding things to do through the 6 week holidays that dont cost alot, so it wont be the last time we go the park id imagine. Ive been the chemist to collect my medication and then we went Asda to get everything to make tacos for tea. Jensen came to collect me with my shopping and Jesse asked if he could go home on his scooter. I was a bit reluctant, but I said yes. Hes growing up too fast. Hes becoming more independent.  Jasper isn't coming today, hes in bed not feeling very well. I think his 2 holidays in 1 month have caught up with him and he needs to rest, especially after going on a lads holiday haha. Anyway, tacos for tea were lovely, messy, but nice. Ive taken my night time meds and im going get in bed watch some more ...

I didn't have Jesse last night so do you know what I did with my Jesse free night? I went asleep at 8:30pm haha and I didn't wake up today until nearly 11am, now thats some sleeping. Absolutely loved it. I just love being asleep. Its an escape from reality. Jasper is back from his holiday now, hes lying on the settee under his blanket. Hes tired bless him. Hes had the best time. Myself, Jesse and Jensen have put a giant shoe rack up today, yes it took 3 of us haha so thats by the front door, so I dont have shoes all over the house now so thats good. Im meeting my sister tomorrow at Forest Park with the kids for a play and an ice cream. Not until the afternoon though because im enjoying my lie ins. Also need go the chemist tomorrow to collect my medication, so ill go after the park. I dont feel too bad in myself. Miss my dad and son, but I feel ok. Started watching Manifest on Netflix last night so going watch some more of that now and thats my day.

Went my mums yesterday so we could do each other's hair. The man driving the taxi didn't stop talking, he asked me how many kids I had and I said 4. He asked how old my oldest was and I said 23, because thats how old he should be. I couldnt bring myself to tell him he was dead so I just carried on like he was still alive. Its hard talking about Jay-Dee because I just want to cry. He should still be here. Life is so cruel. Stayed mums for a couple of hours then Jensen came to pick me up. Hes such a good boy. He helps me so much. Jasper is home from Portugal tomorrow, ive missed him. My brother has been here for the majority of the day today, its been nice.  Jesse is with Damian and hes having a sleepover so im going start watching Manifest on Netflix in bed. Going enjoy my child free night and just relax. I can't put into words how much I miss my dad and son. It kills me inside. I honestly can't wait to die to see them both again. Wonder how long ill live for. Do you eve...

Its 5:49am. Ive been awake since 4am because my naughty kitten started to knock stuff off my dad's urn in my bedroom and then I couldnt fall back asleep, so its an early start for me. My brother has not long been with my delivery of Pepsi Max. He comes every Friday early whilst hes at work with my pop. I have to have fizzy pop in the house all the time, it gets me through my sobriety. Not healthy I know, but its better than me drinking alcohol.  Jasper is having the best time in Portugal, I keep messaging him. Ive weighed myself this morning and ive nearly lost a stone in 2 weeks. Jensen and Jesse had a takeaway last night and I said no because i was fasting. Im fasting from 7pm to dinner time the next day and calorie counting. This weight should start to drop off. Im excited to be losing weight. I know im cheating with the Reta injection, but ive tried everything to lose weight without it. My weight has come from the Olanzopine. I want to lose 5 stone.  Im probably going to n...

Didn't get up for the school run, don't know what's wrong with me. Hes got non uniform day tomorrow, going try get him in school for his last day in year 5. Got my brother coming early so ill be up. Hes dropping me a crate of pop off whilst hes at work. Feel like shit today, mentally speaking. Got my dad and son on my mind. I have to believe my son is with my dad, its the only comfort I get from losing them both.  I can't wait to die to see them both again. I miss them so much.  Ive cleaned my bathroom to try and keep myself busy. Dont know why im struggling to wake up in the morning. Im still dieting, calorie counting so I dont go over 1400 calories each day. I will lose some weight! Anyway, im just doing a wash and going get that pegged out. Going go see my mates this weekend, going force myself to socialise.  Thank god after tomorrow Jesse has got 6 weeks off. Oh yeh, also, Jasper landed in Portugal a few hours ago. 2 holidays in 1 month, hes a lucky boy. Just hope h...

Didn't get up again for the school run. Dont know what's wrong with me, im just so tired all the time. Jesse's not complaining haha. We'll start a fresh September. I am going to try and take him tomorrow though.  I take that much medication, im wondering if thats what's making me so tired in the morning? I dont know. Since taking Mitazapine along with Olanzopine and Venlafexine ive noticed an improvement in my low mood. Im not as suicidal as I have been. I mean, im still depressed, but im dealing with it better. Im carrying my grief better. Still wouldnt say no to dying today, but i have no thoughts on doing it myself. So thats good. England play tonight, hoping for a win.  This Reta injection that im on is amazing, its really suppressing my appetite, finally something that works and its only £70 a month which is cheap compared to other weight loss jabs ive looked into. Just want shift a few stone, well, 5 stone to be precise. Im still eating, but no where near the ...

My alarm didn't go off this morning, which is weird because its on my phone and always goes off. Maybe I turned it off in my sleep, but what ever has happened, Jesse isn't in school. His attendance is so poor. Going start a fresh in September and do better. Anyway, I wanted to let you know, ive lost 8lb on my first week on the Reta jab. Im over the moon. Got alot of weight to lose. Its going to take months, but im excited to see this through and lose some of this weight. Ive still been eating on the jab, but no where near as much as I was eating. Its definitely suppressing my appetite.  Mentally im not doing too bad, ive been taking my medication correctly and I feel ok. Ive come to terms with the fact that im always going to feel sadness, even when I experience happiness. Grief will stay with me until I die, but im doing ok. I just want to sleep all the time, im always tired, that'll be the depression id imagine.  I signed up to Hinge the dating website, ive not come acros...

Last week in year 5 tomorrow for Jesse-John. Year 6 in September, can't believe my last baby is going into his last year of primary school. Crazy how fast time goes by. My mum is 20 days alcohol free, shes doing amazing.  Im meant be going my mates today for a catch up, but I really can't be bothered. Depression stops me from doing things. I really need to shower, its been a few days now. Ive just done a wash, going get it pegged out now. Just want to sleep, but i can't..  I feel a bit low today, dont know why. Been on Reta now for 5 days and cut my eating right down, I should of definitely lost some weight on Tuesday when i weigh myself. Had no side effects off it either so thats good. Im peeling everywhere its gross! Miss being on holiday, I need to book up again for next year, give me something to look forward to. Anyway, going sort my washing and get a shower.

Dont Just exist, Live.  Im getting that tattooed next week because I am trying my damn hardest to live after losing my father and son. Some days are heavy, some days I carry it better.  I will always be grieving until the day I die and im reunited with my dad and son. I miss them both so much. It will be 6 years this November for my dad, 6 years of heartache. Not sure how ive made it this far if im honest. Its got to be my boys getting me through each day. I get my strength from them. How am I feeling today? Im ok. Ive got this. Well, im not ok, but I have to be for my boys. Wonder if ill still be alive this time next year? Its sad isn't it that im so morbidly depressed and dont see myself in the future. All I can do is what im doing. Taking each day, day by day. Ive got the holiday blues, them 6 days away went by so fast.. Im going my sisters today, shes going to wash and plait my hair for me. Can't remember the last time I washed it. Seriously thinking of going short because...

I didn't survive my dad and sons death, I died along with them. This is a new Ann-Louise, a sadder Ann-Louise. Im a deeper empath after their deaths. I tell people I love them so much more. Im more laid back, I dont care about things as much as I use to. I dont fear death, if anything I welcome it. Im trying my best to live this new life without my father and son, some days im doing ok and some days I drown in grief. Everyday im depressed. I think about my dad and son every single day. I hate taking all the medication im on, but I have no choice if I want to keep my head above water. I woke up this morning, brushed my teeth and then had bad anxiety about taking Jesse school, so I didn't wake him up. Hes got next week to do then he breaks up for the big holidays. He'll be going into year 6 in September. Last year of primary school, its crazy. Time goes so fast. I blink and life just passes me by. I dissociate alot. Im tired all the time. Im trying to find me in this new life...

I was asleep last night for about 8pm because we'd travelled through the night, id been up since 8am Monday morning. I was shattered, literally couldnt keep my eyes open. My alarm went off at 7am this morning and I just went back sleep. All that travelling has made me mega tired. Jesse can go back school tomorrow.  I was thinking to myself earlier that my brain is never quiet. Even when im not talking, im still talking to myself in my head. Its weird. Anyway, ive been the job centre with Jasper. Jensen took us, then we nipped Asda because I have no food in with being away for 6 days.  I have holiday blues today, just trying get through all the washing and im gutted them 6 days went by so fast. My mental health hasn't been too bad this past week, but of course being by a pool all inclusive can make you feel a bit better haha, but seriously though, ive been taking my medication correctly and im feeling ok. Apparently that Reta jab can take a week to get in your system so we'l...

Well we're back from our holiday, just in time for another heatwave. I miss being by the pool sunbathing, but I can't wait get into my own bed tonight. Ive got loads of washing to do, ive done one load, ill do another tomorrow and so on.. My feet and ankles are swollen, ive Googled it and its because of the hot weather apparently and should go down in a few days. Ive had a shower, got in clean pjs then went on a drive out to Crewe with Jensen to collect some trainers hes brought from JD sports. Yes it seems far away for trainers, but its the only store that had the colour he wants. Ive started the Reta weight loss jab, literally just haha, just done my first injection. Im praying it works for me and I lose some bloody weight. Olanzopine is to blame for my weight gain! Also, day 7 off the vape and im dying for a vape. If I can do 7 days, I can do more i guess. Anyway, going weigh myself and let's see if I can lose some weight. Of course ill keep you updated.

Having the best time on this holiday with 2 of my boys, tried my best to be happy, but ive just gone on Facebook and seen all Jay-Dees friends are in Ibiza, absolutely gutted because I know Jay-Dee should be there with them all. Breaks my heart. Just said to Jasper that its gutted me. Ill never understand why my son took his own life and it kills me everyday. I feel guilty for being on holiday when my son is dead, but ive got to carry on for my other boys. Life just keeps on going.  My father and son are dead and the world didn't stop even for a second. It just kept turning like nothing had happened. Its like my whole world stopped, but everyone else just carried on with their lives.  Feel like screaming, my father and son are dead!!  Just got to keep going haven't i.. We check out at 12pm tomorrow then got wait around till 00:25am to be picked up for the airport. Can't wait get home now. I miss Jensen and I miss my pets so much. Literally after I finished blogging, I saw...

Im so burnt, ive got blisters ontop of my burn. Been covered up since yesterday. Factor 50 clearly doesnt work. Jasper's started to get blisters too. Jesse's complaining that his shoulders are hurting him. Made him go in the pool today with a t shirt on to keep him covered. I just keep applying suncream to us all.  Day 4 no vape, I would give my right arm for a vape right about now haha. I can do this!!  Im missing Jensen, I need to get him a gift to take home. He always buys me a gift when ge goes on holiday.  I still think about my dad and Jay-Dee even though im on holiday. Grief doesnt go away. If only they were still here. I miss them both so much.  Bet Jay-Dee and my dad would of booked up for this holiday and come with us. We're booking up with Jensen when we get back for next year's holiday,  so that'll be nice. Grateful for my living children, but by god do I miss my son.

I made it to Magaluf, yayyyyy! Yesterday was 2 years since Jay-Dees funeral, thats why I booked the holiday for the 1st of July. I knew it would occupy my mind, which it did. A wave of sadness hit me yesterday, just like it has today, thinking of what could of been. My sons life was cut short and ive got to live with that for the rest of my life, but ive had an amazing day today,  we've had a day by the pool and the water park. Seeing Jasper and Jesse with smiles on their faces fills me with joy. Im so proud of myself for booking this holiday a year ago and now we're finally here. Im having the best time. Also, im so burnt and before you say anything, ive been wearing factor 50 and im still burnt. The sun has been shinning all day, its been beautiful. Its 4.40pm now, we're an hour infront. The boys are still in the pool and im going down to them now. Just took 10 minutes out to blog.  See you tomorrow.