May 16th Saturday.

So fucking depressed. So fed up of waking up everyday. I know i should be thankful to wake up for my children, but when you suffer with depression its hard to find happiness in waking up. I ordered another canvas yesterday of Jay-Dee to go next to the big one I have in my living room that a few friends brought me. Up my stairs on one wall is covered in canvases. I just love having photos around me of my children. Keeps me going. Im absolutely gutted that my father and son are both dead. It kills me inside every single day. My dad's death destroyed me, that man was my best friend. To then lose a child, oh god, i can't even put into words how much thats destroyed me. My beautiful son gone forever. Nearly 2 years without my son. I could cry, scream, but that wont bring him or my dad back. Im trying to accept their deaths, but I can't. I dont know how to. I dont know how to carry on living. Im really struggling with being alive. I just want to end it all and be done with. Why is God making me go through all of this? He can see how much im struggling and hate being alive. Why keep me alive? Im so tired. I wake up and I count down the hours till I can go back to bed. Im not living, im surviving. My head is just above water, im drowning in grief. Its killing me. Everyday I blog about how miserable i am and im sick of it. Ive been struggling for 5 and a half years since my dad passed away and its gotten worse after losing Jay-Dee. Grief can last a lifetime apparently, it'll end when im dead. Wonder when i will die, wonder how long i can keep living like this. Depression is taking everything from me and eventually, it will take my life. I wont live to an old age, thank god. Just need to stick around long enough to see my boys grow up, then I can go...