May 4th Monday.

Jesse's still with Damian after his sleepover last night, Jasper is asleep here on the settee and im sat thinking I can't do this anymore. Feel so overwhelmed with life. I really can't do this anymore, but im left with no choice but to survive. Its 11:48am and ive already lost the will to live. Depression is heavy today. Im not doing anything with my life except surviving. Im using all my strength to just get through each day. Im so tired of being alive. I was awake at half 4 this morning being sick. I had really bad acid in my throat. Don't know why. Then I slept in till 10:45am. Ive done my dishes, im doing a load of washing which ill fold when its all dry and thats my day. Bank holiday Monday and im stuck in doors losing the will to live. My throat is sore from being sick too. I dont want to be here anymore, but ive no choice but to stay alive for my kids. So fed up of feeling like this everyday. Its really getting me down. I dont go anywhere to meet anyone and im scared im going to be on my own forever. I tell myself I dont need to be with anyone, but some days its pretty lonely. Ill be ok when Jesse is home because he keeps me on my toes. I know I feel worse because im sat on my own. Wonder when ill give in to depression and kill myself? I think about dying everyday day, its so sad. Im just not happy being alive. I know one day the suicidal thoughts will get the better of me, its just a matter of when. Its Jesse's birthday in 7 days. Alls ive brought him is a bugatti car lego set and he wants £50 to spend on his Ps5. Ive got balloons and banners coming today, but i feel like hes not got alot to open on his birthday. Don't know what else to buy him. Can't believe my last baby will be turning 10 in a week. I thank god i have my boys to keep me going in life because living is hard work.