May 3rd Sunday.

After saying yesterday that I was feeling ok and not suicidal, last night I thought about sticking a blade straight through my jugular.. what is fucking wrong with me?!. Ive felt like shit all day today, didn't want get out of bed this morning, but someone has to feed Jesse and the animals. I have to get up and keep the house going. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight so ill have the bed to myself. Ive done nothing today, just surviving. Im so glad I dont drink alcohol anymore and I can control the intrusive thoughts. If I was still drinking id be dead by now. I would of taken my own life. Life's hard enough sober, so it would be ten times worse if I was drunk. 4 years and 5 months sober now, no going back. I still have the odd day now and again where I could just drink a pint, especially when the sun is out, but I have to push through for my kids. I hate having suicidal thoughts, I wish I was normal. For me, living is torture. I just want to be happy and enjoy life, but grief and depression have ruined that for me. Im a shell of the person I use to be. I dont recognise myself anymore. 

Jesse's sleeping Damians and Jasper is sleeping here. He'll be here soon and ill feel better when hes sat with me. My boys make everything better. I hate how fast they're growing up. Jesse will be 10 a week tomorrow, double digits. Them 10 years have flown by. 2 years next month without my child and it kills me today just as much as it did the day I was told he was dead. Life is so fucking cruel!! Feel like ive blinked and we're nearly at 2 years. 2 years of heartache and tears. 2 years without my boy. Oh God it kills me inside. A photo of me and dad came up on my Facebook memories this morning and I could of cried. I miss them both so much. Its killing me. I know depression will take my life one day.