Cancer, Depression and Me.

I was just sat thinking about when I told my dad, whilst he was battling cancer, that the funeral home wouldnt collect his body when he dies unless i had £1500 upfront and when my dad passed away, I found £1500 in money bags that he had sorted out for me. Breaks my heart. He had 2 lots of life insurance I had to sort out after id registered his death and then I had to plan his funeral. I remember everything from him dying to me sorting all of his bungalow out and his finances.  When my son died, luckily I had Damian to help with everything. Planning 2 funerals will stay with me forever. Its just heartbreaking.  I relive these things everyday, i guess thats the PTSD.. I could cry today, im so sad. I just want my dad and son back and I know its not possible. It kills me inside.  I was a daddy's girl through and through, I did everything with my dad. I saw him every single day. He was my drinking partner. One of the reasons I gave up alcohol after my dad passed away, drinkin...

Jensens 23rd birthday today, im trying to be happy for him, but my heart is aching. It aches for my father and son who are no longer here with me. Im so sad inside.  Jensens had £200 off myself and his dad, so hes not done too bad. I got him a little gift, its a glass jigsaw piece with a little verse on about how much I love having him as my son.  I love my boys so much, life is cruel taking one of them away from me. Two more days and ill be back to the school run, looking forward to getting back into a routine, but ive got anxiety about going. God knows why. Jesse's last year in primary school. Im dreading him going high school next year. Hes my baby, my last baby. Also, how long does the menopause last? Its been 5 years now and im still having hot sweats and really bad memory loss.. We've had chicken and stuffing buttered baps for tea, was so nice.  Now im sat thinking about how much I miss my dad and son. My dad would of made everything better for me, I use to tell my ...

I go to bed at night hoping that ill see my dad and my son in my sleep. I very rarely do and it breaks my heart. I hate being awake and having to participate in life, but i do for my kids. I keep living for them. If only they knew they were the only reason I keep going.  Ive realised that everything ive been through has broken me, but im a stronger person, if that makes sense. Ive got to be made of strong stuff to keep going. There are times when I just want to give up, but I push through. Them suicidal thoughts are no joke, they can be so overwhelming, but I fight through them for my boys. The ONLY reason i keep going is for my children or id of been dead years ago.

Got up early today because my brother took me get my medication and then he took me Asda to get a birthday cake and cards for Jensen, he'll be 23 on Sunday. Back home and back in my pjs. Ive got such a good brother, he does alot for me. Feel a bit better today, dont know if its because ive left the house or im just having a better day, but ill take it. Im still sad, but not as sad as yesterday if that makes sense. Still sat thinking about my dad and son. I think it will be this way until I die. Im always going to feel sad. Jay-Dees birthday next month, not looking forward to it, but ill buy him a cake and we'll celebrate his birthday like we always do. It'll be 6 years for my dad in November. Dont know honestly how ive survived the last 6 years. Im heartbroken. I miss my dad and son more than anything in the world. Got to keep living for my other children. That's what I tell myself when I have suicidal thoughts. I still find it hard to believe that my son took his own l...

Well ive woken up feeling so deflated. I fucking hate depression. Im just sat feeling so low. I just miss my dad and son so much. Its 11.50am ive been up about an hour and I could just go back sleep. Ive already had enough of today. God im so tired and drained. Its raining and I need go the shops. I still haven't collected my medication. Everything feels overwhelming. I just need to breathe.  I wish my son could of come to me and told me how he was feeling. Saying that, I only tell my blog how im feeling so I guess I can understand. I wish I could of saved him. I wish I could of saved my dad, why didn't I ask about clinical trials? I just wish id of done more. Why didn't I wake through the night to message Jay-Dee? Why didn't my body wake me up, where were my mother's instincts? I just hate that they're both dead. I hate having PTSD because I just keep reliving everything, every day. I hate having EUPD because I just can't keep up with the changes in my mood...

Finally come out of my depressive state i was in, still not feeling fantastic, but i feel better. Ive had a long phone call with one of my friends, ive been out to cut my hedges with Jesse. Ive actually styled my hair today. Im feeling so much better. Thank God.  Jasper hasn't gone for his first day at work, think his nerves took over. I feel for him, its a big change going to work for the first time. Not sure what hes going to do now. He could do with a job doing nights because hes up all night and sleeps all day. Ive just started watching a new series on Netflix called Death Of The Pastors Wife and thats my day today.  Jesse's on his ps5 and Jensen is asleep. Its 2.40pm. Absolutely killed me getting up at 8am today to wake Jasper up so god help me next week when its back to school and my alarm will be set for 7am. Can't wait get back to a routine though. Thank god my mental health has improved, I literally thought i was going to kill myself this past week. Mental health i...

Finally showered and washed my hair. Forced myself to do it today. Feeling a bit better today. Taken my dog for a little walk, a bit of fresh air did me good. Its 9.05pm and im sat here thinking about when the police officer told me my son was dead. Still doesnt seem real. Keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare im living. Why my son? Ill never understand. Why my dad? I question my faith some times because, why did God let this happen? Keep telling myself hes got a plan for me, but im tired of waiting for something good to come from all this. Why did I have cancer and survive when it killed my father? So many whys.  Anyway, got be up at 8am tomorrow to wake Jasper up. Its his first day at work tomorrow. Ive told him, if he doesnt like it, come home. Life's too short to stay in a shitty job. Hes nervous and im nervous for him. Hes only 18, hes still my baby. Jensen is 23 on Sunday and then him and Jay-Dee are always the same age for 30 days until Jay-Dee turns 24 the end of next ...

Ive just taken my dog on a walk before this house consumes me. Needed to get out. Jesse came with me so I wasn't on my own. How am I feeling? I dont really know. I feel a bit numb to life. Ive still not showered, but ive walked my dog, so thats a start. I just feel so depressed all the time. I know it will do me good when im back doing the school run and nipping Asda for stuff for tea. I need to go get my medication at some point this week. Its Jensens birthday this weekend and im broke. Feel overwhelmed with life. I dont fit in anymore. Is my purpose just to be a mum? Why did my dad die of cancer? Why did my son kill himself? Its all that ever goes around in my head. Its draining. Im mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep my days away, im so tired. Proud of myself for taking my dog out though, its a step in the right direction. Just got to keep going, regardless of how im feeling. Have to keep telling myself that my boys need me. It keeps me going. Done some washing today and pe...

Didn't shower yesterday like I said i was going to, I honestly dont know when I last showered. My hair is a mess, its desperate to be washed. Im in such a depressive state, im so low its unreal. The main thing is that im still alive. The goal is to live, im sure ill get the energy to shower at some point. Its killing me getting out of bed in the morning, I just dont want to face life. I saw a tiktok earlier that said "10 years on earth, is 1 hour in heaven. Ill see you in the morning". Oh how I hope that is true and my dad and son are waiting for me. Death can't come quick enough, im so desperate to see my father and son again. Im so heartbroken. My friend, Tom has asked if I want go out for food Tuesday, ive said yes, dont really want to go out, but I will. I know it will do me good. I feel so drained by life. I just want to sleep all the time. Jasper will be here soon, hes sleeping tonight. I always feel a bit better when my boys are with me. Jensen im hoping will b...

Can't seem to snap myself out of how im feeling. Its been over a week now and i dont feel any better. I am so depressed. Didn't want to get up this morning, but Jesse wanted his breakfast and i needed to feed my animals. I desperately need to shower, but i just feel so drained. Ive got no energy do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. Ive got nothing inside of me, im so tired. Is the end coming? Ive given up on life, im trying so hard. Im finding no happiness in being alive. I know ive got to keep going for my boys, but I am so tired. Haven't even taken my morning medication yet, its 12.52pm. Need to force myself take them. Im going to force myself at some point today to get a shower and wash my hair. I can't keep living like this, this isn't living, this is surviving. 

I dont think i could feel any lower than I feel. Ive got dressed and took Jasper to his job interview, which he got. I went to collect my glasses from Boots. Got some shower gels from pound land and the whole time I felt like I was dying. Ive got nothing in me, but I keep showing up. I have hit rock bottom and no one would know. I feel sick, can depression do that? Im empty inside. Haven't even got the energy to blog, so ill see you tomorrow. 

2 of my friends came to visit me today for a few hours. I was going to cancel, but I didn't. I needed to feel normal, even if it was only a few hours. I ended up having a breakdown and crying. I told them how depressed I am and how suicidal I feel. I was crying that badly that I could barely talk. I told them how bad my depression has been this past week and how much I want to end it all, but I couldnt bare to leave my children. I just got everything off my chest about how ive been feeling. They were so supportive and caring. I said about how ive thought about taking all my tablets one night before bed and not waking up, about how ive thought about hanging myself or jumping off the bridge in Hanley. I just got everything off my chest. I needed to tell someone about how bad im feeling. I literally broke my heart. I reassured them that I couldnt leave my kids. I couldnt bare my kids to feel the way I feel about losing a parent. I told my friends that I was already grieving my dad and...

Felt so low for a while now and can't seem to snap out of it. Thought id blogged yesterday, but I must of forgot. I can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I know they're dead, so why can't I deal with it. What am I doing wrong? In 3 months it will be 6 years since I lost my dad. Ive been grieving for years and years, and then I lost my son. Its been over 2 years since he killed himself and I just can't come to terms with losing them both. I see other people who have lost people they love and they're still living their life. I feel like my life has stopped and everyone around me is living. I dont know what to do to make things better.  Ive forced myself to get dressed today and have a walk to Heron with Jesse to get some pop and snacks in. We did taxi back though. Was nice to get some fresh air. I was having a hot sweat at the till and the lady said shes been having them for 8 years. Couldn't be bothered to tell her ive been going th...

As i sit here and think to myself, I can't do this anymore, I realise I have no choice. I am so depressed and suicidal. Im so fed up of feeling this way. I just dont see a way out other than death. I dont see a light at the end of this tunnel im stuck in. I dont see myself in the future. I just can't do this anymore. Im so tired of fighting for my life. Its draining me. Its 3.06pm, im still sat in my pjs. Ive hoovered around, ive polished my sons urn and my heart broke. Im really struggling with life. I just want to cry, but I hold it together for my kids. If only they knew how much I was struggling. I could just get into bed and sleep. Jensen asked me if I wanted go KFC drive through with him, ive said yes, but im going in my pjs. Ive got zero motivation to do anything, I have to force myself to do things.  Im broke, I have no money to do anything with its depressing. Life is just shit and ive had all I can take. I wish my boys would just let me go and be ok with it, but thats...

I hand on heart dont know how i get through each day. Im drowning in grief. I feel like i can't do this anymore. Im heartbroken. The days are passing me by and my grief is getting worse. I miss them more and more as the days go on. Ive got no motivation. Jesse has gone Chester Zoo and I was meant be meeting a friend, but ive got zero motivation. Im still sat in my pjs and its 3.45pm. Im so tired, I could just get into bed. I just need some time alone to gather my thoughts, I need a few days in bed to just lie there. I need to sit in a room by myself and just breathe. Can't do any of that though because of the boys and my animals. I guess its a blessing really because it forces me to get up.  I wish I could tell you how I feel inside, but its just numb. I want to scream at the world for taking my dad and son from me. I want to cry, but I have to stay strong for my boys.  To look at me you wouldnt know that I was dead inside. I smile and talk like im fine, but im not. Im far fro...

Spent the whole day thinking about my father and son and how much i miss them both, looking at photos and videos of the both of them. Im so heartbroken. My dad was my best friend and my son was my protector.  They say death changes you as a person, to lose two people you love really has changed me. Ive become quiet, an introvert you could say. I keep myself to myself. I have sober friends now, im a Christian. I pray for strength everyday. I listen to music lyrics, like, I hear what they're saying. I say i love you to my friends and family every single day. Im the most depressed ive ever been in my life.  Death didn't just change me, it flipped my world upside down. Im a broken woman learning to live this life like its my first time on earth. Everything feels new to me, I get scared of going to the shop on my own, death gave me anxiety amongst everything else. Im never going to feel peace until im dead. Until im reunited with me father and son. My world is dark, everything feel...

Just sitting on my settee scrolling through tiktok and I just had a thought about hanging myself from my loft.. why is my brain like this? I just envisioned myself hanging from my loft. I thought to myself, ive got step ladders to get up there to tie a noose. The medication im on is stopping me from doing it, thank god, but the thought is still there.  Im just not happy being alive. I dont tell anyone about my suicidal ideation, I just blog about it. My kids are the reason I dont act on my thoughts, but what if one day I do? Im tired of being strong. I know one day ill just end it all and be done with life. I just haven't chose what day yet.. Luckily my brother is coming to visit me for a few hours so that'll keep my mind occupied.  Jesse has got his own cash card now and myself and Damian have sent him money, so ive just added it to his ps5 so he can buy things for himself. Hes growing up too fast.  One day my kids wont need me and thats when ill go.

Skip got delivered this morning and then I went my mums to have a few hours with her and my sister because she went too. I can only stomach my mum for a couple of hours, so I came home after id been there 2 hours. I love my mum, but shes too strict with the kids. I can't stand it because im so laid back with my kids. I discipline my kids when needed, but they dont have to ask to have a drink or a snack like they do at my mums. We parent differently. That's ok though, 2 hours is plenty of time to be with her haha. I came home and started filling the skip with Jesse, but its that hot outside weve come In doors. Ill finish it off tomorrow. Ive had a nice cool shower and got into my pjs. Can't remember the last time I showered, how bad is that? I spend most of my days just trying to get through the day without killing myself, so a shower isn't my priority unfortunately. I was quiet at mums, didn't really have alot to say. Pointless going really, but Jesse had a good tim...

Had an engineer here not long ago from Virgin because my new router wouldnt work, weve had to have another new router and it finally works after 2 days of no Internet and tv.. Anyway, he said are you Tabs daughter? I must look like my dad which made me smile, but he was telling me he had cancer and is now in remission and my heart felt heavy thinking that cancer killed my dad. Its hard seeing dad's friends still alive and my dad isn't. Made me feel so sad. My dad was only 55 when he died. Sigh. I think about my dad and son every single day, not an hour goes by where I dont think about them both. Life is bloody hard I tell you. Ive done nothing today because the engineer was coming 1-4 so been stuck in all day, but im happy weve finally got Internet and tv again. Going cook some smash burgers in a min for tea and thats it. Got a skip coming tomorrow so we can get ontop of the waste in the garden and in the house. Jensens already got 2 bin bags full of rubbish ready for the skip ...

Been out on a drive to Leek today so Jensen could collect something for his computer desk. Was a lovely drive whilst the sun was shining. I thought I was doing ok today, then we were driving back from Hanley and we came to a bridge and the first thing I thought about was jumping off it. Good job I was in a car. That's how my brain works, even on a better day, I still think about killing myself. Why is that? I dont know. We've got no Internet because the new router isn't working and the old router died so got an engineer coming out tomorrow to fix it for us. Its only 6.12pm and I already want to go bed. Think I was in bed last night watching tv at 7pm. Must of been asleep before 10pm easily. Told you before, sleep is an escape from my reality. If im sleeping, im not over thinking, plus there's a small chance I get to see my dad and son when im asleep. I dont go sleep when I get in bed, I just relax and watch some tv. Usually my tablet with something on Prime or Netflix. ...

Today myself and Jasper have been to get our eyes tested. Ive got to have some sort of verifocles so I can see far away and up close or I would of had to have 2 pairs of glasses. Jasper's eyes are perfect which is good.  Jesse is at Trentham Gardens with Damian, Louise, Mabel and Max having a picnic in this lovely weather. He was meant to have his eyes tested, but he loves his days with Damian. It guts me that at some point in his life ive got to tell him that Damian isn't his bio father. Damian is the one who buys things he needs, gives him pocket money every month. He takes him out every Sunday without fail. That's a father! I think ill wait till hes in high school to tell him. It wont change anything, he will still class Damian as his father. Jasper and I went KFC after we'd been Boots to get our eyes done. Ive come back, got in my pjs and pigged out on chicken. Bloody lovely. Ill never be thin. I was taking the Reta jab, but it just stopped working. Dont think im me...

Mental health is shit again, wish I could just end my life and be done with. Its 4.26pm, I didn't get out of bed till 11am and if it wasn't for Jesse telling me he wants his breakfast, then id of stayed in bed. Im tired, im so fucking tired of being alive. I need a break from life, I need a quiet room to just sit in and cry on my own. There's 2 parts to me. An Ann-Louise that wants to die and a Ann-Louise that wishes she was happier for her kids. An Ann-Louise that needs to stay alive for her kids. Ive got no motivation in me, the 6 week holidays are merging into one, before I know it Jesse will be starting year 6 and ive got to go back to doing the school runs. Thought I was getting better last week when I was feeling ok, should of known it wouldnt last! Jensen treated us all to breakfast this morning. Hes such a lovely young man. Im so proud of how my boys have turned out. Absolutely guts me that Jay-Dee killed himself. It kills me inside. The pain from losing a child is ...

Woke up crying through the night, my dad came to me in my dreams and hugged me. We wrapped our arms around each other and it felt so real, and then I woke up and it hit me that hes dead. Absolutely heartbroken. I had a visitation and it broke my heart. I miss my dad so much. I wish my son would visit me in my dreams and hug me. I miss them both so much, its killing me. Its going to be one of those days today where my dad and son are constantly on my mind. Its been like this the past few days. I feel so low. There's nothing more id love than to end my life and be reunited with them both again, but I know my living children need me. I need to do something today to get me out of my own head. I need to occupy my mind. Might get ready and take Jesse the park for an hour, or take the dog for a walk. Anything really. Wish I could just lie in bed and be done with life.

Had a low day today. Made a few tiktoks about Jay-Dee, then I found myself scrolling through tiktoks ive made of Jay-Dee and my dad and its made me feel even worse. Im so sad inside and ive got to live the rest of my life feeling this way. Its horrible. I feel empty inside. Losing my dad and son has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and ive had cancer. Death has destroyed me inside. I walk around smiling at people and all I really want to do is lie in my bed and cry. Im a mother to 3 other boys so I have no choice but to carry on. Im trying my best to live, but im not living, im just surviving. My head is literally above water. My body is submerged. Dont know how im meant to live the rest of my life feeling the way I do. Jensen took me the barbers earlier so him and Jesse could get a hair cut and i looked at myself in the mirror and hated what was looking back at me. Im just not happy about being alive. I wish I loved me, but I dont. How am I meant to keep living like ...

Some days life is unbearable, but we have to carry on. Grief is heavy today. I miss my son and dad so much, i can't describe how I feel. Until you lose someone you love, you wont understand the pain I feel inside.  Regardless of how i feel, I still have to be a mum. Jasper had a job centre appointment today, so I got up early and went with him as he didn't want to go on his own. Hes 18 and still needs his mum. This is why I can't go yet, my boys still need me. We went Asda get some pop and stuff to make tacos for the boys tea. Im going my mates for tea with another friend so that'll be nice. Ive scrubbed my bathroom and both toilets and thats my day. Im just eating some toast and im sat with Jasper. Not had toast in ages, forgot how nice it is haha. 25th of September im going kings Hall with about 8 of my friends to watch a Michael Jackson show. Given me something to look forward to.  Anyway, thats my day. Jesse is going at 5pm to go cinema with Damian and ill be meetin...

Thinking about my dad and son alot today, probably because im not keeping myself busy. Its shit how you have to try and stay busy, so you dont have time to think about things. Its still hard to believe that my son and dad are both in my house in wooden boxes. Its just not how life was meant to be, but here we are. I go bed, I sit staring at my dad on my draws, I get up and sit staring at my son on the fire. I do get comfort though knowing they're both safe with me. I couldnt imagine having to scatter them or give them to someone else. They're at home with me and they'll always be with me until I die. My house was like dad's home, he was here everyday. Its only right that his resting place is here. Jay-Dee, what can I say, this was his home. I never thought Jay-Dee would leave home, I thought hed be the one that would stay with his mum and now he will be. Its so sad. Miss them both so much, it hurts my heart. Im going to have days like this, I know that now. 

Didn't realise ive not blogged for a few days. Im still alive.  I absolutely love having Jesse with me all the time, but on a Sunday when he spends the day with Damian i absolutely love having a few hours of me time. Yesterday I went meet up with my sister and brother whilst Jesse was with Damian and I loved just been able to think about myself, even if it is only a few hours. I needed it. Today we're having a pj day. Jesse is on his vr, we've got songs playing on YouTube on the tv and im watching a movie on my tablet. Jasper's asleep on the settee because he went watch the new Spiderman at half 11 last night. Damian has booked Spiderman for Wednesday night for him and Jesse. He wanted me take him, but its on for 2 hours and 25 minutes and im not a lover of Marvel movies so I really didn't want to go. Life saver Damian is haha. Myself, Jasper and Jesse are booked into the opticians next Monday. My eye sight is shit, can't see stuff up close or far away so ill pr...