May 7th Thursday.

Been to my attendance meeting today about Jesse's poor attendance. 82% hes on, i didn't think that was too bad, but its meant to be above 90%. Oh well, some days I just dont want to leave the house and thats what i told her. Not felt too bad today, but ive had Jasper here all day as he stayed over last night. I always feel better when I have my boys with me, thats why it breaks my heart that one of my children are dead. Doesn't even sound right writing that. One of my children are gone forever, its crazy. Just feel like im living a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Anyway, ive just done a tan on my face, hands and feet to see if having a bit of a tan will make me feel better, but now ive got to wake up in the morning extra early and shower. Instantly regretting it. Sick of feeling like shit all the time. Im carrying grief better today. Went the cafe see my friends, joined in with conversations. 2 of them asked if I wanted go shopping with them, i had to decline as im broke, so just ended up going Asda. Going have to take Jesse Asda Saturday so he can pick a birthday cake ready for his birthday Monday. Can't believe my last baby is turning 10. Crazy. Gutting that my dad and son arent here anymore to see their grandkids and brothers grow up. Makes me feel so sad. Ill always be sad, I know this. Getting back on my diet tomorrow haha, got to try and lose some weight before I go on  holiday. Started a fast an hour ago so we'll see how long I can do before I next eat. Anyway, thats my day.