May 21st Thursday.

Grief feels so heavy today. My son had so much more life to live, memories to make. He was 21.. my dad was 55, they were both taken far too soon. My heart is broken. I dont know how to come back from losing them both. I dont know how to live without them. Grief is killing me off slowly..

Last day of school today, Jesse breaks up today. Hes going for a sleepover tomorrow at Warwick Castle and im going my sisters for a get together for my brothers 40th birthday. Looking forward to getting out for a few hours and having a child free night. Ill have the bed to myself. I do miss Jesse when hes not here though.

Ive been the cafe to see my friends, managed to join in with conversations. 

Jesse's got a birthday party to go on Saturday at 4pm which hes looking forward to. All my friends from school are going with their kids so it'll be nice have a catch up with them all.

Got no plans for half term, I need to mow my grass in my back garden and ill have to think of things to do with Jesse. Its given out a heatwave all week, so definitely some trips to the park.

Just got to keep getting up and trying to live regardless of how im feeling. I really am trying my best to live. Some days I feel like im drowning, like today. 

I was sat on my own in the cafe waiting for my friends and a teacher walked past, looked at me and said are you ok.. I said im ok thank you and as she walked off I thought to myself, im far from ok, but what could she do about it? Nothing, its easier to just say "im ok". 

Its only 10:15am and ive already lost the will to live..

Making a spag bol for tea and thats my day. Done all of Jensens washing. I might be drowning, but I still get my chores done.