May 15th Friday.

Don't think i can do this anymore. Im so fed up of being alive. Ive had enough of this groundhog day life. Don't know what I can do to change the way I feel. Losing my father and son has killed me inside. I wear a fake smile everyday, I try to make conversations with my friends and non of them know im dead inside. Im tired of pretending that im ok. I wish someone would take this pain away I feel inside every single day. Im tired of waking up, im tired of trying my best to live, when all I want to do is die. Im just so fucking tired. I hate everything about myself. Ive got nothing inside of me, I feel empty. I just want to end my life.. can't though because it would destroy my kids. Its cruel making me live. I wish my kids new how unhappy I was and say its ok for me to go because id be gone already. I can't keep living like this. Grief is consuming me. Im so depressed. Im so sad inside, but I wear a smile when im around people, its exhausting! Im mentally tired. Im surprised ive not had a stroke or a heart attack because im running on empty. There's nothing in me, I look and feel a mess. I dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I know my boys need me, but I need my dad and son. Im stuck in between two worlds. The dead and the living. I want to be here for my kids, but the heartache I feel because I need my dad and son is killing me. I just want to scream!!! Im mentally in pain. If something doesnt change im scared im going to give up on life...