Cancer, Depression and Me.

Ended up going out last night and so glad I did, had a lovely night. Michael Jackson tribute show was brilliant. Didn't get home till about 11pm ish and had to take my night time meds that I usually take at 6pm. Was wide awake till 1am ish and i feel like shit today. Im usually in bed for 9pm and asleep by 10pm, so im tired today. Not use to having a late night, was worth it though and I dont do it very often. A couple of my mates were drinking and I watched how they went from being sober to half cut and I just thanked God that im sober.  Woke up with a banging headache, must be because I took my medication that late. Felt like id been drinking, its easing off now as the day goes by. Cost me £7 for a J20 and a can of Fanta. Day light robbery haha. Jesse's been out today on a bike ride with his friend. Was so nervous about letting him go, but he was fine and I tracked him on life360.  Now hes in year 6 he can start going the youth club at his school on a Wednesday night. 5.30pm...

I accept the fact that i will be sad forever, because grief is love with nowhere to go. I will miss my dad and son until I see them again, and thats ok. They were a massive part of my life and I love them so much. So if that means im sad for the rest of my life, then im ok with that.  Nothing can bring them back and the sadness i feel inside reminds me that they were real and how much I loved them. I hate that im going through this, but what can I do? Nothing, there's nothing i can do to make the situation any better. So ive got to come to terms with the fact that i will be sad forever.  Even when i experience some sort of happiness, im still sad. I still think to myself, my dad or Jay-Dee would of loved this, or I wish my dad and son could see this. Its just the way grief controls my brain. Grieving is apart of my life now and nothing I do will ever take away the pain I feel inside.  Their lives ended because their missions were complete and God needed them back.  I...

Today i showered, washed my hair and then ive dried and straightened it ready to go out tomorrow night. So nervous about going out because I dont have the energy my friends do. They'll be singing and dancing, just hope i do too. Im so nervous about going out, but I know ill be fine with my friends. I think there's 7 of us going so it should be a good night. Ive not felt too bad today, Jesse didn't go school till half 10 because we slept in, but at least he went in. So proud of myself for doing my hair, you all know how much I hate my hair, but now its done I like it. Glad I had my roots done. Did all my washing today, dried and folded it all. Im having a better day, thank God. Just waiting for Jasper come across and thats it for today.

"Some times you feel like you want to disappear, but really, all you want is to be found". That quote made me think. I just want someone to understand how i feel. My psychiatrist doesnt know what to do with me and the medication is only keeping my head above water. I know that grief is love and thats why im grieving so badly, because i really loved my dad and my child. I know they're not coming back, so why can't I just come to terms with that? Why am I in so much pain mentally?  I love hard and thats why their deaths have really affected me. I love them both so much, its hurts. Its the ages that they died too, 21 and 55. They had so much more life to live. It kills me inside.  Jay-Dee was a month away from becoming a qualified brick layer. He was at the end of his apprenticeship. My dad was Jesse's bestie, he died when Jesse was 4. Its tragic. Ive got to live the rest of my life with this grief, and thats ok, because it means they'll always live on through me...

Ive been seeing alot of posts on tiktok about what happens when people die and it says a soul doesnt die, only the body dies, but the soul stays with you and honestly, it gave me some comfort. I know my dad and son are still with me, I just wish they'd send me signs that they're around me. I miss them both so much, but I know my dad will be looking after Jay-Dee for me.  I feel a bit deflated today.  Jesse took himself school, so I decided to walk down the bottom of the Abbey to go the shop, I got there and it was shut. Already had anxiety going a different shop on my own, but anyway, I ended up walking from the shop at the bottom of the Abbey to Asda on Werrington Road. I was absolutely shattered, but proud of myself for going alone. I got home and showered. I was sweating. Definitely got my steps in today. Im just sat now thinking about my dad and son and how much I miss them both.  Ive applied for a job today, its only a dinner lady job at a special school, but fingers...

Did the school run, went the cafe, tried to join in with conversations. Went Asda, came home and ive been sat on my own all day. Slowly going out of my mind. Its been a long day. I was sat in the cafe watching all my friends talking to each other and it made me realise how disconnected I am from everything. I feel like I just dont fit in anymore. Im only here because my boys need me, but I long to die. When my friends are all talking I just sit there with my fake smile on my face. I just wanted to tell them how unwell I am mentally, but I just kept it to myself. I was so anxious about doing the school run, but thats because I didn't do it all last week. I keep thinking about not going out with all my friends Friday night, I know it will do me good, but im not as outgoing as them and im worried they'll think im boring. I dont know, maybe it'll be fun and I'll actually enjoy myself.. but what if i dont. What if I just want to be alone? I guess i could always leave early. ...