Cancer, Depression and Me.

Last night for the first time ever, Jesse asked if he could stay up until midnight to do a live event on his ps5. Ive never let him before, but I thought to myself, its Friday night and hes 10 now, so i let him. I turned my tv off at 10pm and was fast asleep. Im medicated so I go sleep pretty early. I dont remember, but Jesse said I woke up at 1am when he climbed into bed with me. I must of still been half asleep.  I always suffered with insomnia until I was put on Olanzopine. I take it at about half 6 every night and im asleep for 10pm, its great. I thought I was losing my mind when I had insomnia, it was horrible.  Ive got up today and stripped my bedding and put it on a hot wash because my dog and now my cat sleep with me, along with Jesse haha. Ive got no room in my life for a partner. Got us a McDonald's breakfast because we always have a breakfast from McDonald's on a Saturday morning. Jasper will be 18 next Friday, I can't believe it. Literally, the years are passing...

I go the cafe before Jesse goes in school every morning to buy Jesse a snack and milkshakes for snack time in school. I got there early today about 8:05am. I brought him his snacks and just sat there waiting for 8:30am so i could see him off into school. I must of dissociated because I sat down and the next thing I knew, it was half 8. I must of spent 25 minutes doing absolutely nothing. People were all around me, but I just dissociated from the world. I looked at the clock and was like, oh shit its half past. I didn't get sleep last night till after 12am and its got to be because I napped through the day. Ive been tired all day today, but ive stayed awake. Want an early night. I think im tired all the time because im emotionally drained. Depression is draining me. Spent the day clearing my kitchen work tops and cupboards out, kept me busy. Im such a cluttery person, so ive tried to put things away instead of things being all over my work tops. Another day of hanging on by a thread...

Got up and took Jesse school today, really didn't want leave the house. Had to force myself to go and wear my smile. I feel exhausted mentally. Went the cafe and my friend asked if I was ok, and I said no. I barely spoke. I told them that I felt exhausted mentally. Im so tired. I walked to Asda and thought about stepping infront of a car, but they weren't driving fast enough to kill me, so I didn't. Jay-Dees anniversary of his death has really knocked me back. I just want to sleep my days away, but im a mum and ive got shit to do. Ive come home, put my shopping away, hoovered up, done my dishes, cleaned the litter tray out and washed it, ive got a wash on now which ill put in the dryer when its done, then ill fold it all. Im sat down now. Might try have a little sleep because I just feel so tired. Glad ive got Jesse in school though. My holiday is fast approaching and ive not got anything to take yet. I really need to go Primark to get some shorts and tops. Im absolutely sh...

Last night I thought about slitting my wrists. I just wanted to end my life. I told my brother and sister how I felt, I told them I struggle everyday with life. I cried thinking about my dad and son. Life is so hard. Ive not taken Jesse school again, I just couldnt get out of bed. Im so tired with life. I feel drained all the time. Grief is killing me. I told my brother and sister that one day depression will end my life. They told me that they needed me alive and it would destroy them and my kids. I know this, which is why i fight for my life everyday. I know it would destroy my kids and family, and im trying my best to live, regardless of whether I want to or not. Ive been dealt a shitty hand in life. The past 5 and a half years have been so traumatic. My dad dying, then I had cancer, and my son killed himself. My head is fucked! I can't deal with everything thats happened. My brain can't process it all. I keep thinking this is all a nightmare ill wake up from. Ive just got m...

My alarm went off at 7am, I lay there thinking about it being 2 years for Jay-Dee and just couldnt get out of bed. Couldn't bring myself to do life today, so i kept Jesse off.  2 years without my son. My heart is forever broken. I miss him so much. I feel numb today, got no motivation at all. My friends have messaged, some have turned up with flowers and gifts. Im grateful to each and everyone of them. I feel so sad today. Where have the past 2 years gone? I feel like ive blinked and hes been gone for 2 years. How have I made it this far in life without committing suicide? Honeatly dont know how im still alive. The strength I get from my living children is immense. I'd he dead without them. A canvas i ordered a couple of weeks ago of Jay-Dee arrived today, so ive just put it up on my wall. I sit staring at my canvases of him and still can't believe hes gone. It still doeant feel real, I wish he'd walk in from work like he use to. God I miss him so much. I just hope hes ...

2 years tomorrow since my son tragically passed away. 2 whole years without my child by my side. 2 years of emptiness. My friends took me Leek today to get me out of the house, didn't want go, just wanted be on my own, but I went. Hasn't taken the pain away that i feel inside. I honestly dont know how ive made it through the last 5 and a half years. Dad died and i died inside. Something changed me that day. My son dying has just wrote me off. I try everyday to get through each day, but its hard work. I just hate being alive. I wont be doing anything tomorrow, ill be remembering my son like I do everyday, but the anniversary of his death will be hard. I wont be going the cafe in the morning, I wont feel like talking, like most days. 5 and a half years since my dad passed away and 2 years tomorrow for my son. Life is hard. It kills me that I never got to say goodbye to my son. I remember kissing his face in The Chapel Of Rest. Seeing him in a coffin haunts me. I remember seeing m...