Cancer, Depression and Me.

Not done anything today, been in my pjs all day and had a lazy day. Jesse didn't get back from Alton Towers until tea time, so ive enjoyed the peace and quiet. Dont feel too bad today. Cooked a chicken, so we had stuffing and chicken sandwiches for tea. Its nearly bedtime thank god. Can't wait go sleep. Done nothing but yawn all day today. My brother is coming tomorrow after work for a few hours, so that'll break my day up. Im going Natalie's Monday day time for a meal shes cooking me. Heads still fucked up, but im just going to go with the flow. Don't know what I want out of life. Living is hard work and it shouldn't be. Life shouldn't be this hard. My roots need doing, my hairs a mess, which then makes me feel a mess. Jasper stayed over last night so ive had his company all day. Hes still here now, but hes going soon and then im getting into bed. Love having my boys around me. I dont want them grow up. Love my boys more than anything in the world. They kee...

Its 9.20am, I was up at 8am getting Jesse ready for his sleepover at Alton Towers. He went at 9am, so hes got a full day on the rides and a sleepover there. He was so excited bless him. Ive just made myself a cup of tea and its so peaceful. Im going see my friends at dinner time, then out for tea with Jasper and Jensen later. Going be nice spend time with my older boys. Think we're going for a Toby Carvery. Yum! Just wish Jay-Dee was here to come with us. Makes me sad inside. Miss my dad and son so much. I was going go back bed when Jesse went, but im wide awake now. Ive got a psychiatrist appointment next month and im going tell her how depressed I am and how I think about killing myself often. My mental health is so shit. Anyway, a whole day and night to myself, ive done my dishes, I have no washing to do, so thats good. Im just going enjoy my peace and quiet. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't mentally unwell. I'd love to be able enjoy life and do things ...

Feel alot better today, mentally. Thank god. The past few days have been horrible. Thank god I dont give in to intrusive thoughts. It worries me though, because one day I might end up killing myself, but for now, im ok. Ive been the shops with Jensen. Had a new thermostat fitted this morning, its digital now, whereas it was a dial before. I know you probably dont give a shit, but that was my morning. Slept better last night, the night before I had no sleep. Just couldnt switch off at all. Took my morning meds because I clearly need them. Why I would just stop, I dont know. Anyway, im medicated and im feeling ok. Natalie has been messaging me, asking me to not give up on her and how sorry she is. I just think I prefer being on my own. Life's easier single thats for sure. I dont know what im going do. I just can't be bothered with a relationship. My mental health is shit, how am I meant to make someone else happy, when im not happy myself. Told her I have EUPD, its like banging m...

Went see my friends yesterday and broke down crying. Ive had no sleep, couldn't switch off at all. Ive seen every hour on the clock. Ive broken it off with Natalie. I was having such a bad day yesterday and all she said was ill speak to you tomorrow, on about today, or Tuesday. Fuck off! Needed support not the silent treatment. Cba with it. Don't know why I couldnt switch off last night. I feel like shit today. As for Natalie, im just not mentally well enough to be with someone. I hate how I am. I hate being alive. I hate struggling with my mental health. When am I going to get better? Ive taken my medication this morning, its got to be the reason i haven't slept, because i didn't take them yesterday. Why is my life such hard work? Im so fucking tired of being alive. Life shouldn't be this much hard work surely. Im so fucking drained by life. Im having another shit day arent I? I could just cry! Ive got Natalie saying she loves me. Get a fucking grip! Weve only been...

Had crazy dreams last night and one of them dreams I was shopping with Jay-Dee, buying him new clothes and shoes.. then I fucking woke up!! I could cry. I miss my baby so much. Im crying now. Didn't think I could cry anymore, but here I am crying. I just want my son back, I want my dad back. I hate my life. I hate being alive. Today is going to be a shit day. Absolutely loved dreaming of my child and then I had to wake up. I keep thinking what if this life is all a dream and then when we die we wake up? Makes you think doesnt it. Ive got no energy today. I need to shower and wash my hair, but I wish id of just died in my sleep. I hate life today. Dreaming of my child has just set me back. Had such a good day yesterday and today im crying over a dream. Due know why im crying? It's because ive stopped taking my morning medication. 375mg of Venlafexine I take in the morning and I stopped a few days ago. Sick of feeling nothing. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, but im just desperat...

So today ive had a card and my favourite flowers delivered. Roses and Lillie's. Ill post a pic at the end of this blog. Its been years since ive had anything for Valentines Day, so its been so nice. I feel loved. Its about time someone made me happy. Ive had my friend here for hours, she was here that long we drank 4 cups of tea each haha. Its been nice have a catch up with her. My day has been lovely. Waiting for Jasper to come and we're getting pizza for tea. I wished my boys a happy Valentines day this morning and told them how much I love them. Life's too short to not tell someone you love them. Since my dad passed away and then Jay-Dee, its made me realise how precious life is. Today im grateful im alive. Love my boys more than life itself. Im hoping things work out with me and Natalie. It would be nice to feel happiness. You never know, this could be my year where everything works out for me. Mental health is still shit, but I have a smile on my face today. When the d...