Cancer, Depression and Me.

Couldn't get the cat (Sol) to go in the cat carrier this morning, he went feral again. My friend came to try and he attacked her. The vets suggested leaving him today and they've booked him in for Friday, so we'll try again. They are prescribing sedation medication for me to collect tomorrow to sedate him before he goes. You really dont understand how scared I am of this cat. I love him to bits when hes being nice, but when he changes, its horrible. My friend said shes had cats all her life and shes never seen a cat be the way my cat is. Its scary. Went to watch Jesse in his assembly this morning. Bloody love that little boy is do. Hes gone Fusion tonight, its a youth club at school, 5-7 every Wednesday. He loves it. Hes becoming so independent, hes not my baby anymore. Time is a thief. The love i have for my 4 boys is immense, breaks my heart that one of my children are dead.  You never think it would happen to you, until it does and your whole world crumbles. Damian is co...

Took my cat the vets, hes being neutered tomorrow morning and apparently that will calm him down. Im praying it works because im scared of my own cat. Glad we haven't had to have him put asleep, because i really love him. Im waiting for the chemist to tell me my antibiotics are ready to collect Jensen will have to drop the cat off tomorrow morning at the vets, hes got be there for 9.15am and ive got go Jesse's assembly. Can't be in two places at once and im choosing Jesse's assembly. Dont want him being the only child there with no parent watching him. Ive had to ring the doctors for Jasper because Sol bit him two days ago and his cut has got green in it. Honestly, this cat is a nightmare.  Mentally im doing ok, think the drama with the cat is keeping my mind busy and stopping me from over thinking. Too scared ill get attacked to think of anything else haha. Felt ok the past few days, I think about my dad and son all throughout the day, but the past couple of days im ha...

My cat went feral a couple of weeks ago, he was hissing and howling at us. It took over a week for him to calm down and last night he did it again, only today hes gone for me. Hes clawed me and sunk his teeth into my arm. I was dripping of blood when I got him off me. Ive made a vets appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am to get him checked out. The vets told me I needed see my Dr about the bites because they will become infected. The doctors have looked at my bite marks and have prescribed me with antibiotics which ive got collect from the pharmacy tomorrow.  The thing im getting at is that I dont know what to do about my cat. Im scared to be near him, he just keeps hissing and howling at me. I think im going have to surrender him or have him put asleep. I love him so much, but I can't keep being scared in my own home. The kids dont want me get rid of him, but I feel like I have no choice. Im scared about going bed tonight incase he attacks me again. He doesnt like my dog, his ba...

One of my friends came yesterday, it wasn't planned, she just asked if I was in and that she was coming across. Did me good if im honest. Not really one to socialise, I force myself so I dont get stuck in this rabbit hole im in. Anyway, the couple of hours she was here did me good, we chatted and laughed. Ive got some good friends around me. Jesse's just gone with Damian so ive just jumped in the shower.  I feel ok today, grief isn't weighing me down, its there, but not as heavy today. I was meant be going meet a couple of friends today, but I really can't be bothered to leave the house. Im showered and in clean pjs. Jasper is sleeping over tonight, ill be in bed early ready for my alarms in the morning. I say alarms because I have to set more than one. Ive been getting up easier by setting numerous alarms from 6.30am-7.15am. Gradually waking myself up, its working and Jesse did a full week last week so ill carry on. I started watching The Mentalist yesterday on Netflix...

I still remember holding my dads hand as he took his last breath. He inhaled and his exhale was so slow and long, and then he was gone. I remember crying out loud shouting 'dad dad'. I was a mess. I stayed with my dad in hospital for the two nights he was in there. I didn't leave his bedside day and night. When everyone left after visiting, it was just me and my dad. I slept leant over his bed whilst my body was on a chair, if you get what I mean. I loved that man so much and I still do. I remember when the policeman told me they'd found my son dead and I just kept saying'it can't be my son'. My hands trembling as i tried to find Damian in my phone. I remember Damian answering the phone and I told him his son was dead. Ive never seen Damian get to my house as fast as he did. I miss my baby boy so much, its killing me. Today I have all of this going around in my head. They call it PTSD. I just want to end my life, im so done with living. Im in so much pain me...

Jesse has finally done a full week at school. Feeling proud of myself for forcing myself to get my arse out of bed every morning for a full week. Can't wait for a lie in tomorrow.  I'd say I feel deflated today, but ive felt like this since my dad passed away. 6 years next month since he died. Ive been suffering for nearly 6 years. So much has happened since he passed away. I had cancer 6 months after he died. Can you imagine that? Dad dies of cancer and 6 months after you have cancer. It broke me. Honestly thought I was going to die of cancer like my dad did.  Dad's partner, Sharon died. My step mum. She was only 52 years old. My dad was 55 years old. I had a breakdown after I went sober, and my son died. How im still standing I will never know. Ive only been the cafe a couple of times this week, Jesse takes himself so I dont see the point in me going everyday. Can't be bothered with the small talk and the fake smiles I have to wear. I am so fucking depressed.  Im so t...