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July 5th Sunday.

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Having the best time on this holiday with 2 of my boys, tried my best to be happy, but ive just gone on Facebook and seen all Jay-Dees friends are in Ibiza, absolutely gutted because I know Jay-Dee should be there with them all. Breaks my heart. Just said to Jasper that its gutted me. Ill never understand why my son took his own life and it kills me everyday. I feel guilty for being on holiday when my son is dead, but ive got to carry on for my other boys. Life just keeps on going.  My father and son are dead and the world didn't stop even for a second. It just kept turning like nothing had happened. Its like my whole world stopped, but everyone else just carried on with their lives.  Feel like screaming, my father and son are dead!!  Just got to keep going haven't i.. We check out at 12pm tomorrow then got wait around till 00:25am to be picked up for the airport. Can't wait get home now. I miss Jensen and I miss my pets so much. Literally after I finished blogging, I saw...
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July 4th Saturday.

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Im so burnt, ive got blisters ontop of my burn. Been covered up since yesterday. Factor 50 clearly doesnt work. Jasper's started to get blisters too. Jesse's complaining that his shoulders are hurting him. Made him go in the pool today with a t shirt on to keep him covered. I just keep applying suncream to us all.  Day 4 no vape, I would give my right arm for a vape right about now haha. I can do this!!  Im missing Jensen, I need to get him a gift to take home. He always buys me a gift when ge goes on holiday.  I still think about my dad and Jay-Dee even though im on holiday. Grief doesnt go away. If only they were still here. I miss them both so much.  Bet Jay-Dee and my dad would of booked up for this holiday and come with us. We're booking up with Jensen when we get back for next year's holiday,  so that'll be nice. Grateful for my living children, but by god do I miss my son.
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July 2nd Thursday.

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I made it to Magaluf, yayyyyy! Yesterday was 2 years since Jay-Dees funeral, thats why I booked the holiday for the 1st of July. I knew it would occupy my mind, which it did. A wave of sadness hit me yesterday, just like it has today, thinking of what could of been. My sons life was cut short and ive got to live with that for the rest of my life, but ive had an amazing day today,  we've had a day by the pool and the water park. Seeing Jasper and Jesse with smiles on their faces fills me with joy. Im so proud of myself for booking this holiday a year ago and now we're finally here. Im having the best time. Also, im so burnt and before you say anything, ive been wearing factor 50 and im still burnt. The sun has been shinning all day, its been beautiful. Its 4.40pm now, we're an hour infront. The boys are still in the pool and im going down to them now. Just took 10 minutes out to blog.  See you tomorrow. 
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June 30th Tuesday.

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Im grieving and I go on holiday tomorrow and ive got to try and be happy for my boys. Im dreading it.  Grief has completely changed me as a person. Im sad all the time, I struggle to find happiness in the day. Most days I wish I was dead. Living is hard work. Ive had to learn to live again since the death of my father and son. I take that much medication everyday just to survive, its sickening.  Im just not a happy person anymore and its so sad, but from tomorrow for a whole week ive got to try and be happy to be on holiday.  Im a grieving daughter and a grieving mother. Grief is heavy today. I miss my father and son so much. Im so nervous about going on holiday tomorrow. Ive just been the post office to get some Euros. Haven't got the energy for a holiday. Just want to lie in bed and sleep. I know ill be fine once I get there, I hope so anyway.  Everything is packed, I still haven't bathed and shaved fuck sake, got do that later. Its a chore being a woman.  Any...
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June 28th Sunday.

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Packed mine and Jesse's holiday stuff today. We're only taking hand luggage because we're only away for 6 days. Weve got plenty to take and it fits in our hand luggage bags perfectly. That way we dont have to check anything in at the airport, straight to security. Ive just shaved my legs and sliced one of them open fuck sake. Ive put a plaster on and the blood is seeping through. Made a right mess of my leg, just in time for holiday, perfect!. 3 days to go. This time next week ill be sat by the pool catching some rays of sunshine. From booking it last year, its come around so fast. Im excited and nervous.  Was going go see my friends today, but ive cancelled. Decided do my packing instead. Ive not changed any money, im just going pay on my phone for things. Do I need tell the bank im going away? Will my card get frozen? I didn't think about that. Im just over thinking everything. Im nervous. Like I said its been a few years since ive been abroad. Im sure ill be fine wit...
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June 27th Saturday.

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Jesse's gone for a sleepover at Damians and they're all watching the match later together. Kick off isn't till 10pm, ill be asleep by then. Done my back garden today, tried the strimmer out in the house, didn't realise it was facing my foot and cut my toe open with the wire. That'll teach me. Was listening to music earlier on YouTube on the tv whilst the boys were on their vr headsets. Listened to Jay-Dees favourite song and a few of my dad's songs. Hope they were with me as their songs played. Im drinking an energy drink and im tired, how does that even work.. Its 8:29pm and im ready get in bed and go sleep, but im sat downstairs with my fan on. Going take it up soon and put it facing me in bed. Due know, ive slept with a fan on at night for years and years, i can't sleep without the noise. Just thought id share that. 3 days to go then we go on holiday, I still need to shave everywhere and pack my clothes. Ive done nothing, I know ill end up doing it all Tu...
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June 26th Friday.

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Grief is heavy today. Just sat picturing my sons smile and his face. I miss him terribly. I miss my dad. How cruel is life. There's nothing i can do to make grief any easier, ive just got to ride it out. (Sigh) I could cry today, but my medication wont allow it, so ill just sit feeling tearful.  Im quitting my vape. Ive got enough juice last me the day and then im done. Its costing me a fortune buying vape refills every few days, im waking through the night to vape. Its got to go, so today is the day. I did plan on quitting when I go on holiday anyway, so its just 5 days earlier. 5 days till we go away, excited and nervous. Not packed yet ill do that the night before. Going my sisters later for a few hours, looking forward to it. She's got a pool so ill be dipping my feet in it. My heart aches today for my dad and son, they had so much more life to live. Taken way too soon.
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