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April 17th Friday.

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Just been to Jesse's assembly, Damian came with Mabel and Max and I just know that would have made Jesse's day. He absolutely loves them all to bits. Made me so proud seeing him standing at the front with his certificate. Im super proud of him. Anyway, I prayed last night when I closed my eyes that id see my dad and son in my dreams, and I did. My dad was dying still and I remember crying in my sleep, but Jay-Dee was absolutely fine. Im so happy I got to see them both. My dad is always dying in my dreams, its horrible. Absolutely loved seeing them both though and then I woke up.. gutted I woke up, but also thankful I did. Ive got a love hate relationship with life. Hate being alive, but also thankful I am to see my boys. Im living life in limbo, I miss my old life with my dad and son so much, but im sober now and I appreciate the little things. Seeing Jesse this morning collect his certificate made me realise how much he needs me and so do my other boys. I just wish I could be ...
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April 16th Thursday.

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Had a text off the school saying Jesse will be getting a certificate in assembly tomorrow morning and im welcome to attend. Hes worked super hard this week and he'll be getting a certificate. Super proud! Ive not told him as I want to surprise him in the morning when he sees me walk into his assembly to watch him. Hes no idea hes getting one. I think Damian is coming too, which will make Jesse's day. I was thinking about how depressed I am, along with grieving, but I always show up for my kids. I get my house work done. Just need to tackle the showering. Can't wait to see Jesse's little face light up when hes called up to the front of the assembly. Its little things like this that keep me going. My friend asked me if I wanted go out today and I turned her down. Just not feeling socialising. I went the cafe this morning and stayed for an hour and then my social battery ran out. I joined in with conversations as much as I could, ive just got nothing to say anymore. Unless...
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April 15th Wednesday.

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I dont take care of myself anymore, I dont put mascara on like i use to. I forget to spray my perfume before I leave the house and I dont buy myself any new clothes. Ive really let myself go. Having depression is horrible. Im trying to take some control back of my life by dieting. Maybe when im slimmer ill make more of an effort, I dont know. Im really trying my best with dieting, I really want to lose some weight. Well, alot of weight. Ive lost my identity and im struggling to find it, but im trying. I went the cafe this morning, dont know why I bother because I never have much to say. I just push myself to socialise. I could easily just shut the world out and stay indoors, but I know it wouldnt be good for me. Losing my father destroyed me, I can't cope with what's happened. Im struggling to process his death, and then my son dies. What was left of me, died. Ive never felt pain like im feeling. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I am so depressed, I can't ...
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April 14th Tuesday.

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Jesse's back in school, ive loved having him off over the holidays. Hes a good boy so hes been no mither at all. Had a cry at school, my friends grandad has passed away and we were talking about the death rattle you get just before you pass away. It took me back to watching my dad take his final breath. Absolutely horrendous. Her grandad brought her up, so its like her father has passed away. I told her the pain never goes away. It'll be 6 years in November for my dad and its still killing me everyday. 2 years in June for my son and again, it kills me everyday. It was nice been able to talk to someone that is going through what I am going through. Someone can relate to how I feel everyday. I know there's people all over the world that are feeling the pain im feeling and it breaks my heart. Life was never meant to be this way.. 7 days dieting and ive lost a whopping 11lbs. That's with having one meal a day, fasting and being in a calorie deficit. If I carry on like this ...
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April 13th Monday.

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Jesse's been poorly since Friday night, burning up and feeling sick and last night he was sick. Was meant to be back to school today, but instead hes in bed with a sick bowl.. another day stuck in the house. I did nip out for a couple of hours yesterday, I went meet 3 of my friends for a catch up. They're all in relationships now and one of them said its your turn now Ann-Louise. I said im not in the right head space to be with anyone. What if im single forever? I dont need to be with anyone do i? Feel pressured! How can I be with anyone with how bad my mental health is? I tried it with Natalie and look how that turned out. She was a piss head and i dont want to be with a drinker. I dont have to be with one if I dont want to. Someone will come when the time is right id imagine. I honestly feel like I dont fit into this world anymore. Is my only purpose of being alive to be a mum? Surely there's more to my life right? I remember asking my psychiatrist if my only purpose was ...
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April 12th Sunday.

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So Jesse's still poorly, Damian dropped me medicine off yesterday for him. Im meant be going to meet up with my friends later, but we'll see if I go. I feel so low, i feel like im behind in the world. My friends are all dating and ive got no interest in meeting anyone. What's wrong with me? I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Life is moving on and im stuck in grief. I keep thinking someone will come when the time is right, I just feel a bit left out. I feel like everyone is winning in life except me. How long will i be grieving for? Forever id imagine.. not a day goes by that im not sad over losing my father and son. Every single day I think of them and how my life has dramatically changed since they died. I feel empty inside. Dead. I dont enjoy being alive anymore. I use to be so outgoing and now im a shell of my old self. Back to school tomorrow and ill be meeting up with my friends in the cafe, ill wear my fake smile and act like im ok, when deep down inside im hurting ba...
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April 11th Saturday.

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Had Jesse burning up all night, hes not very well, but he wants to sleep Damians tonight so we'll see how he is later. His new passport is being delivered today, Damian did his renewal and paid for it. Hes so good to me and the boys. Im blessed to have an ex who is as good as he is. So looks like im not leaving the house any time soon. Just had an Iceland shop delivered because I can't leave the house. Ive just been sat thinking, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this life. I just want to end it all. I know I can't and it kills me. Jesse's poorly, how could I even think about suicide? Im just fed up of being depressed. Im not living, im just surviving. Trying my best to get through each day. Ive just seen photos of Jay-Dees best mate Brad on Facebook all dressed up going to the races and my heart sank, because Jay-Dee would of probably gone with him all dressed up. Im just gutted. I look at photos everyday of my dad and son and I still can't believe they...
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