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June 17th Wednesday.

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Ok, i know my dad and son are both dead. Ive accepted that, but what now.. how do I live? What am I meant to be doing? How do I get out of this depression? How can I lift my mood?  All I want to do is sleep because im chronically depressed. I dont know how to help myself, im not sure how to live this life. I was sat in the cafe this morning with 7 of my friends, I looked around and everyone was chatting away and then there was me. I wore my smile and engaged in conversation now and again, but I just felt like I dont belong anywhere.  I honestly dont see the point in my existence. Im struggling with staying alive. I just want to die in my sleep. What a peaceful death that would be. Im always tired, I take multivitamins everyday, yet im still so tired. Tired of life is what it is. I miss my dad and son so much, its killing me inside. Their deaths have destroyed my life. Knowing my kids are struggling too makes me feel so sad that there's nothing i can do to make them feel better...
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June 16th Tuesday.

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Been the doctors this morning with Jensen. I love how my boys still need their mum to do things with. He cried and said he was depressed after losing his brother. Some times I get so caught up in my own grief, that I forget they've all lost their big brother. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed us all. The doctors have given him a sick note for a month and he wants to find a new job because he hates his job. I feel so sad for my boys. Jasper is struggling with his mental health and now Jensen. I think they both need therapy. I struggle everyday with losing my father and son, so god knows how my kids must feel. This is why I can't kill myself, it would just tip my boys over the edge.  Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, I got up brushed my teeth and decided to get back into bed. I felt so tired. Im still tired today, but ive taken him school. Doesn't matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired. I know its the depression. Ill be collecting my new medication tomorrow, im just...
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June 14th Sunday.

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Last night I could of killed myself, i obviously didn't, but Jensen and Jasper stayed over in Liverpool and Jesse stayed Damians the night. I could of just ended my life whilst my boys were all out. Instead, I ordered myself a curry and was asleep by half 9. I also didn't self harm. So proud of myself for fighting the urge.  Ive been thanking about joining the gym and walking there and back, but its quite far away from where I live. The weight ive gained from medication is adding to my depression. I dunno, it was just a thought.  My boys will be back about 3 or 4pm they said and Jesse will be back this afternoon, so im just sat with my animals.  Loved my early night last night, you can tell im old and dont drink anymore. I was happy to just get into bed and go sleep haha. Ill take this peaceful life over anything. My life might be a mess because of my depression, but its better than it use to be since I went sober. I use to wake up after a night out either in a police cel...
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June 13th Saturday.

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I want to self harm so bad, i just keep thinking of slicing my wrists and I dont know why. Mental health is no joke, im really struggling. The thoughts about self harming are driving me insane, I can just imagine the relief ill feel once ive cut my wrists. Im not going to do it, ill fight the urge no matter how hard it gets.  Im wondering if its because the boys are going Liverpool overnight? Said to Jasper, the last time one of my children went to Liverpool they never came home. Ive told him no drugs and to stay with everyone who's going.  Im dreading them going. My sister invited me hers today for a bbq with my mum and my sisters bf, but ive declined the invite. Im just not in the right head space to socialise.  The boys go at 2pm and I said to Jesse we'll get an early night with a take away in bed. My perfect Saturday night. I know im going have a shit sleep because ill be worrying about the boys. Ill be messaging them throughout the day and night to make sure they're ...
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June 12th Friday. Jasper is 18.

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Jasper is 18 today. Feel like ive blinked and hes 18. Crazy. I brought him a chocolate cake, but apparently hes never like chocolate cake haha, so went out and brought a normal cake with jam in. Hes happy now.  Hes going Liverpool tomorrow night for a night out and staying over night. Im absolutely dreading it because Jay-Dee went Liverpool for a night out and died there. Jensen is going too with them all and hes sensible, so im hoping they all have a good night. Im going be worried all night until they get back home. After losing a child I worry more about losing another child. My boys are suffering with their mental health since Jay-Dee died, so it worries me. Didn't go the cafe this morning, couldnt be bothered to wear my smile. Ive done some cleaning today and washing and thats about it. Mental health is shit, sick of feeling the way I feel. Feel like there's no way out other than death. That's how shit depression is. Anyway, enjoy your Friday what ever youre doing.
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June 11th Thursday.

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Was thinking about writing a suicide note to my boys, just incase depression gets the better of my one day. I'd hate to just die and them not knowing how much I loved them. I mean, I tell them everyday that I love them, and the last thing I want to do is kill myself, but what if it all gets too much one day and I just end it all? I fight everyday to live just for my boys. The only reason  im here is because of them. Im so tired all the time, all I ever want to do is go to bed and sleep. If I didn't have Jesse that needed me to do things, I think id just lie in bed all the time and die there.  Jasper is 18 tomorrow, so ive just blown balloons up and put banners up ready for when hes back from Berlin. Ive been and brought him a cake with candles, I might be depressed, but I still show up for my boys and ill keep showing up until my body gives up. I dont want to die, but I dont want to keep living like this. Im so depressed. Its been raining non stop today, got soaked on the scho...
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June 10th Wednesday.

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Saw a tiktok that said "we're not home, we're just experiencing this life. We go home when we die". Really made me think. My dad and son are home, their journey on earth came to an end and they're back home. Gives me some comfort hearing that. We're a soul borrowing a body whilst we experience life on earth. I can't wait to go home to my dad and son. Some times I feel like I was meant to see certain tiktoks about death. I dunno, some times I think i may be losing my mind at the same time.  The drs have rang me today, they've finally received my prescription from my psychiatrist. Only took a couple of weeks.. let's hope the new medication along with what im already on makes me feel a bit better.  Just brought the Michael Jackson movie on Paramount+ for £20. Saw it at the cinema and had to buy it. Going watch it later with Jesse-John.  One more night then my boys are home from Berlin. Can't wait to see them both.  Stayed longer at the cafe this m...
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