Posts

October 22nd Thursday.

-
I have 2 urns sitting on a shelf in my living room and every time I look at them, my heart breaks over and over again. Im thankful I get to keep my dad and son at home with me because it does bring me some comfort, but it still hurts when I look at them both in wooden boxes. I feel so sad today, I miss them both so much. I spent the last few days with my dad before he died at his bed side, morning and night. I never left his side. I hope he knows I stayed with him. I slept on a chair with my head on his bed with him. God I miss my dad so much. I never got to be with my son before he died and that kills me inside. I feel guilt that he died on his own and I couldnt save him. I miss you Jay-Dee.  My heart aches today and grief is heavy. I need to pull myself together and snap out of how im feeling. Jesse has broke up today for a week, a nice week of lie ins. Tomorrow im going to force myself to shower and wash my hair. Its been about 2 weeks since I washed it and you could cook chips ...
Post a Comment
Read more

October 21st Wednesday.

-
Just sat thinking about my old life, the one I had before my dad passed away. I was out all the time, drinking everyday, crying, fighting, cutting my wrists, and everything changed the day my dad passed away. Now im quiet, reserved, loving, sober, im more present as a parent and my life is peaceful. I say i love you to the people I love everyday. Losing my dad and my son and having cancer really changed the way I live my life. These tragic events that have happened scared me that much that I turned my life around for the better. Im sober, nearly 5 years sober. Yes I have suicidal ideation most days, but im not slicing through my wrists anymore, im not spending 24 hours in police custody. My life might seem boring some times to me, but im doing better than I was when I was a drunk. Those 3 tragic events have changed my life forever.  Mentally ive been doing ok for a few days now, I feel sad, but im doing ok. I miss my dad and son so much, my heart aches for them. Next month will be ...
Post a Comment
Read more

October 20th Tuesday.

-
2 of my friends came to see me today, which was nice. Im not very sociable, but I try my best. They were here a couple of hours and we had a nice catch up. Did me a favour to he honest because I was sat feeling sad about my dad and son, so they snapped me out of it before it took hold of me. The cat has gone for my dog this morning, again! So I give the cat his food and had to feed my dog on the settee because we couldnt get near to where she usually eats. I said to Jesse, get a bit of ham and lure the cat to the stairs. Once he was on the stairs I closed the door and hes been up there ever since. I can't have him around me or the dog anymore.  I dread coming out of my room in the morning because I hear him meowing outside my door. Something has got to be done with him before I cracked up. Hes driving me insane. Im literally scared of being around him. Jensen will have to have him in his room more, because my nervous system can't take it. Won't be long before Jesse is home,...
Post a Comment
Read more

October 19th Monday.

-
Ive had enough, i opened my back door and let my cat out. Guess what? He had a sniff around and came back inside the little shit! Hes currently upstairs with Jensen and im locked in the living room with my dog. The dog has just gone for the cat, even shes had enough of his shit. The cat went for my dog this morning and Sicily didn't dare walk past him, so I picked my dog up and the cat clawed my legs. Honestly, hes being vile. Wish we never had him. The dog and the cat can't get along. They were fine together until the cat turned on us all about 4 weeks ago. Im so fed up. Im living in fear. Hes been locked in the kitchen all morning with the back door open, I was expecting him to just fuck off and let some steam off, but noooo, he just came back inside. All his stuff, his litter tray, food and water are in the kitchen because thats where hes going be spending alot of his time with the back door open. Im hoping the more he goes out, the more he'll explore and not just stay b...
Post a Comment
Read more

October 18th Sunday.

-
Jesse went for a sleepover last night at Damians, its 2.37pm and hes still out with Damian. Loved having my early night last night and chilled out day. My cat, Sol, has gone for my dog again so hes currently locked in the kitchen. I am so fed up of being scared of a cat. They're vicious little bastards arent they? Hes got a follow up appointment tomorrow at 4pm to check where he had surgery, then I think im going to let him outside. I can't live like this anymore. Its been going on now for over 3 weeks. Ive just had myself a hot shower and got back into some clean pjs. Take away for tea I think. Can't wait go bed and lock myself in my room away from the cat. Jesse breaks up Thursday for Halloween half term. Can't wait for a week of lie ins. You know what, im not feeling too bad. Im sat with Jasper, he went out last night and rolled in at 4am this morning.  Im hooked on The Mentalist, its all ive been watching the past few days. The weekends go by so fast, 2 lie ins aren...
Post a Comment
Read more

October 17th Saturday.

-
So Sol was neutered yesterday, the vets said it can take 6 weeks for testosterone to leave his body. Great! Hes gone for my dog again this morning so hes currently locked in Jensens bedroom with him. My nervous system is shot to shit. Im scared of a bloody cat. They're so vicious. Im more scared that he'll attack my dog again. He can't go out for 48 hours after surgery, hes got a follow up appointment Monday at 4pm and I think after that, im letting him outside. The boys dont want me to, but its not them living in fear of a fucking cat. Ive had enough now. If I didn't have the dog, id lock myself in my bedroom and be done with life.  After we had breakfast, myself and Jesse got dressed and went to get Jesse a haircut. We've been Asda and Jesse asked if id do a chicken dinner for tea, so ive just brought a chicken, veg, potatoes and Yorkshire puddings to make a dinner later with gravy and mint sauce. Can't wait. Love making it and eating it, but then I have to wa...
Post a Comment
Read more

October 16th Friday.

-
My cat attacked my poor dog this morning, my dog was shaking after Jensen split them up. We got the cat to the vets and they've rang me to say surgery went well. They said it takes 6 weeks for testosterone to leave his system and if hes still aggressive then we should let him outside.  I can tell you now, im not living in fear for another 6 weeks! We've got collect him at 4pm and im dreading it. I dont want him come back and I know that sounds horrible and I love him to bits, but im petrified of him. I feel sad today, been thinking about my dad and son all day. We knew the better days wouldnt last. Im so heartbroken.  I was heartbroken even on my better days, I was just handling it better. I know I can't bring them back, but id give anything to see them again, I wish everyday that they'd visit me in my dreams. That only happens every now and again.  Im so sad that they're not here anymore.  It hits me every morning when I wake up that ive got to face another day wit...
Post a Comment
Read more