Cancer, Depression and Me.

Sat in the cafe this morning feeling very deflated, but I smiled when anyone spoke to me, I agreed when things were said, but I wasn't fully there. My body was there, but my mind was elsewhere. Grief is heavy today. I miss my dad and son so much. I could cry. Life was never meant to be this way. I feel so sad inside, i have a couple of "better" days, then boom, grief hits me like a brick. Im tired, im so tired of pretending that im ok. People haven't got a clue what im going through mentally. Im drowning, even on them better days im still drowning. My head is literally above water.  My body feels heavy, like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders. My heart aches inside my body. I just want to sleep my days away, but I have to be a mum. Ive got cook a spag bol for tea and ive got no energy, but ill cook it because im a mum and my kids need feeding. Im just so fed up of living this life. I looked at my medication earlier as I took my morning meds and I have eno...

Got up late this morning, forgot to set my bloody alarm. Rushed around, got Jesse dressed and off to school, which is good for me because usually when I wake up late I just let him have a day off. I waited for him to go in school at half 8, watched him on the tracker (life360) and then I went back bed. Had crazy dreams. I was at a gypsy wedding wearing an all in one tight white outfit and my front tooth was wobbly and hanging out of my mouth. What the hell haha.  I sent my mum a card Friday with that photo of Jay-Dee in the clouds and inside I just wrote "i love you mum". She's received it today and put it in a frame. I knew she'd frame it thats why I sent it to her. Just a small gesture of love.  I always tell my family I love them because if im honest, I dont know how long ive got left on earth. One day depression will take my life, I just know it. So say I love you when you have the chance. I tell my boys all the time I love them, im in a group chat with my boys an...

Today I have showered and washed my hair! Proud of myself. Had to force myself to do it, but its done. Ive done a french plait in my hair and ive got clean pjs on. Need to shower Jesse at some point today ready for school tomorrow.  The girls wanted meet up today, but I can't be bothered. Im just going to have a lazy day. When I say I think about my dad and son everyday, I dont think people understand the magnitude of it. They are literally on my mind all throughout the day, its so hard to deal with. Everything i do, i think to myself, dad would of done this, or Jay-Dee would of liked that. They're on my mind 24/7. Its destroying me. I dont get a break from my own brain. Im sat in my usual seat on the settee and across from me I see my dad and sons urns. I know they're both safe at home with me and that gives me some comfort.  Ive got a new canvas coming, ill post a pic of it at the end of my blog. One of Jay-Dees cousins did the picture, its of Jay-Dee in the clouds. Its b...

"I hope I live, before I die" This isn't living, im in survival mode. Everyday is a battle with my own mind. Wanting to die, but also wanting to live for my living children. Ive been dealt a really shit hand in life. Its been death after death after death. Ive lost so many people within the last 6 years. So many friends gone forever. My father and my son gone forever. What did I do so wrong to deserve all of this? I must of been really bad in a past life.. Apparently you keep coming back until youve learnt your lessons in life, i think this may be my last time on earth because by God have I learnt alot. I say it everyday, but I miss my dad and my son so much. Living without them is killing me slowly. The heartache I feel everyday is horrible. What id give to have just one more day with them both. Life is cruel.. If I hadnt got Jesse to look after and animals to feed, I swear id just rot in bed. I wouldnt bother with life.  The ONLY reason im still here, is because my kids...

Yesterday I accidentally scared my cat and hes not been right since. Hes been howling and hissing at us. Im scared to be in my own home. Ive never been so scared of anything in my life as I am at the moment with my cat. Will he go back to normal? Because im scared. His back goes up and hes howling and hissing. So scary. Ive had Jesse burning up through the night and ive slept with my dog in my arms so my cat doesnt attack her. Im walking around my house with a spray water bottle to spray the cat with if he starts howling at hissing at me. Bad times! Two of the boys friends have knocked on this morning with a bunch of roses for me. How lovely of them, really cheered me up. Jay-Dees birthday really knocked me on my bum, I slept the whole day away. I was so down and depressed. Damian said he spent the day in bed too. It was a hard day to get through.  Feel a bit better today. Still sad, but im ok. I think my brother is coming today for a few hours, was meant be going my sisters with t...

9.05am, I feel like im filled with sadness this morning. My first born son should be turning 24 today. I miss him so much, my heart hurts. I feel so deflated, i could cry. I decided not go school today, I was in two minds as to whether I should go or not and I decided to stay at home. Really not in the mood for small talk today. Just going to spend the day alone thinking of my son. I got to be his mum for 21 years and for that i am so grateful. God had other plans for him. His time on earth was over and now he is my angel in the stars. The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars, lyrics from his funeral song.  I know his soul is still with me along with my dad's. Im heartbroken. They both had so much more life to live.  Im so tired today, feel like ive not slept, im so drained. After Jesse finishes school we're going the crem to put flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed.  Jesse starts Fusion tonight at school so need be back for 5pm. Fusion is a club at school for year 6 pupils. Lik...