Cancer, Depression and Me.

Today i showered, washed my hair and then ive dried and straightened it ready to go out tomorrow night. So nervous about going out because I dont have the energy my friends do. They'll be singing and dancing, just hope i do too. Im so nervous about going out, but I know ill be fine with my friends. I think there's 7 of us going so it should be a good night. Ive not felt too bad today, Jesse didn't go school till half 10 because we slept in, but at least he went in. So proud of myself for doing my hair, you all know how much I hate my hair, but now its done I like it. Glad I had my roots done. Did all my washing today, dried and folded it all. Im having a better day, thank God. Just waiting for Jasper come across and thats it for today.

"Some times you feel like you want to disappear, but really, all you want is to be found". That quote made me think. I just want someone to understand how i feel. My psychiatrist doesnt know what to do with me and the medication is only keeping my head above water. I know that grief is love and thats why im grieving so badly, because i really loved my dad and my child. I know they're not coming back, so why can't I just come to terms with that? Why am I in so much pain mentally?  I love hard and thats why their deaths have really affected me. I love them both so much, its hurts. Its the ages that they died too, 21 and 55. They had so much more life to live. It kills me inside.  Jay-Dee was a month away from becoming a qualified brick layer. He was at the end of his apprenticeship. My dad was Jesse's bestie, he died when Jesse was 4. Its tragic. Ive got to live the rest of my life with this grief, and thats ok, because it means they'll always live on through me...

Ive been seeing alot of posts on tiktok about what happens when people die and it says a soul doesnt die, only the body dies, but the soul stays with you and honestly, it gave me some comfort. I know my dad and son are still with me, I just wish they'd send me signs that they're around me. I miss them both so much, but I know my dad will be looking after Jay-Dee for me.  I feel a bit deflated today.  Jesse took himself school, so I decided to walk down the bottom of the Abbey to go the shop, I got there and it was shut. Already had anxiety going a different shop on my own, but anyway, I ended up walking from the shop at the bottom of the Abbey to Asda on Werrington Road. I was absolutely shattered, but proud of myself for going alone. I got home and showered. I was sweating. Definitely got my steps in today. Im just sat now thinking about my dad and son and how much I miss them both.  Ive applied for a job today, its only a dinner lady job at a special school, but fingers...

Did the school run, went the cafe, tried to join in with conversations. Went Asda, came home and ive been sat on my own all day. Slowly going out of my mind. Its been a long day. I was sat in the cafe watching all my friends talking to each other and it made me realise how disconnected I am from everything. I feel like I just dont fit in anymore. Im only here because my boys need me, but I long to die. When my friends are all talking I just sit there with my fake smile on my face. I just wanted to tell them how unwell I am mentally, but I just kept it to myself. I was so anxious about doing the school run, but thats because I didn't do it all last week. I keep thinking about not going out with all my friends Friday night, I know it will do me good, but im not as outgoing as them and im worried they'll think im boring. I dont know, maybe it'll be fun and I'll actually enjoy myself.. but what if i dont. What if I just want to be alone? I guess i could always leave early. ...

Been out to take my dog for a walk, i did yesterday too. Only because Jesse wanted me to because he wanted go on his bike and the weather has been nice, so i thought why not. Done me good going for a walk, clears my head from everything that goes around in my brain. The weekends go by so fast, back to the school run in the morning and I'll be walking with Jesse to make sure he doesn't get bullied. On Friday im going the King's Hall with 7 of my friends to watch a Michael Jackson tribute act, looking forward to it. Damian is having Jesse over night so it'll be a good night with the girls.  Im not feeling too bad today, the dog walk has done me good. Just fed my animals their tea, washed and dried Jesse's uniform. Just cooking Jesse some chicken dippers to have with some mayo because hes hungry and thats what hes asked for. Im on day 4 of my diet and its going well. Ive had no chocolate or anything unhealthy. Ive been filling up on chicken and veg. We'll see Thurs...

Im not ok, im just sat thinking about how unwell mentally I am. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and if im honest, I didn't even want to get up then. The window cleaner woke me up at half 7 cleaning my bedroom window and my dog was going mental. Who the fuck cleans windows at half 7 on a Saturday morning? Pissed me right off, but I went back sleep. Took my meds last night and slept loads better, thank god. Jensen took me Asda last night so i dont need go the shops today. Ive got no plans for today, its 12.01pm and I just want the day to be over already.  Ive got an appointment Monday with my psychiatrist, I dont think there's anything more she can do to help me. We just need come to terms with the fact that I'll die young, by suicide because thats just how I see my life and death. I can't see a way out. Im trying my best everyday to get through each day. Im not thriving one bit, its just surviving. It takes all my energy just to get through each day and some people s...