Cancer, Depression and Me.

Was meant be going my mums today with my sister, but im not feeling the best. Ive got no motivation at all. So fed up of being depressed. A photo of Jay-Dee and his best friends came up on my memories and it broke my heart. I see his friends all doing things, going out etc and it breaks my heart that my son is no longer here doing things with them. I got dressed, decided I wasn't going out today and got back into clean pjs. Sick and tired of feeling the way I do. Wish I could just end my life and be done with. My dad was 55 and my son was 21, its killing me inside that they're both gone. They had so much more life to live, its just not fair! Grief is destroying me. Cancelling plans like going my mums today because ive got no interest in being around people. Grief and depression are ruining my life. I dreamt last night that we were on holiday, this holiday is really playing on my mind. I wish id never booked it, but ive paid for it all now, so ive got to go. Don't know why i...

When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know.  Feel a bit deflated today, feeling low. Ive got photos of my dad and son all around my house, makes my heart sad when I look at them, but also gives me a little bit of comfort having their pictures around me. I miss them so much, my heart really hurts. Wish I could just climb into bed and just lie there, thats how I feel today. The world is just passing me by, and im stuck in grief. Feel so fed up today. Im sat on my own contemplating life. I read something yesterday on Facebook about a woman who lost her only son and shes going to Switzerland I think it was, so she could end her life. If i didn't have 3 other children that need me, id happily end my life. I'd love to just end this pain that I feel inside. Depression will take my life one day, I just know it. I was thinking about how on one random day we'll just die. You never know when your time is up. Dying doesnt scare me, leaving my kids behind does. Losing my...

Jesse's nearly done a full week at school, contemplated letting him have the day off this morning because I was tired, but I pushed through it and took him. Another day of hanging on by a thread. Be glad when school is over and I get to see Jesse. So tired of being tired. Its a tiredness that sleep can't fix. Tired of doing life. Jensen is working from home so im not on my own, thank god. Jasper will be here a bit later and all thats missing is my Jay-Dee. Makes me sad. I use to see my dad every single day, hed always call in straight from work and we'd have a couple of beers together. If only he could see me now, sober. Over 4 years sober. Its crazy. Hope they're both proud of me. I miss seeing Jay-Dees face when hed come home from work. I just miss them both so much. Diets going shit this week, think ill just write it off and start again next week. Going see my mum Saturday, my sister is going too so it'll be nice have a get together. Not seen my mum in ages.  Jus...

Losing my father and son is a pain like no other. I think about them all through the day, I close my eyes and they're on my mind. Grief is consuming me. I struggle to do things i use to, things I use to enjoy. Now I see no point in being alive. Its a horrible feeling. Im so heartbroken. I use to be so outgoing and bubbly, now I barely speak and have anxiety about going to Asda. Death really changes who you are. I seem to be lost in the world and only continue to live because im a mum. I find no enjoyment in being alive. Meeting up with friends is a task. I have to force myself to do things so my anxiety doesn't take over my life. Im struggling to lose weight because of my medication and going through the Menopause. If I mention the Menopause, people say "youre too young to be going through the Menopause"! Then I have to say, I have no womb because I had cancer. I dont take my HRT anymore because I was so sick of being on it. Im fed up with how much medication I have t...

Weighed myself this morning and it said id lost 2lb. Just weighed myself again and its saying I gained 4lb. I have just eaten so I hope thats why, but fuck me, 4lbs! 2 weeks now ive been eating healthy, its killing me haha. Getting a pizza for tea tonight for the kids and I wont be having any. Dieting is torture. Couldn't go see my friends at the cafe this morning because when I got to school Amazon said they were 3 stops away, so had to rush back so my packages didn't get stolen off my doorstep. Im feeling ok today, mentally speaking. Jasper is here so im not on my own. Jesse will be finishing school in 35 minutes. The sun is shining and its not been a bad day. If I weigh myself in the morning and I have gained 4lb im going be devastated. That will be the curry I had Saturday night. My own fault. Ill carry on dieting, im trying my best to lose weight. Its so hard!  I was thinking this morning about my dad's final days in hospital and had to snap myself out of it. I think a...

Feel really deflated today. Ive been the cafe to meet my friends and I just felt like I dont fit in. Tried joining in, in conversation, but I literally have nothing to say. When I went my mates yesterday, she was telling me that shes dating someone and how her date went, and then she said hows things with me.. I had nothing to say, I just said I was ok. Ive got nothing going on in my life, nothing to talk about. How do you tell someone that not committing suicide is the main part of my day?.. I should be thankful really that I have a peaceful life I guess. Tomorrow will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. If I hadnt of gone for my cervical screening I might not be here now. It was caught early, stage 1b I was. I guess i should be thankful that it was caught early and cut out, along with all my womb, ovaries, the lot. Plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. If I hadnt of been ontop of my smears my kids wouldnt have their mum, so thank God. My next appointment at the hospital shou...