Cancer, Depression and Me.

Im not ok, im just sat thinking about how unwell mentally I am. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and if im honest, I didn't even want to get up then. The window cleaner woke me up at half 7 cleaning my bedroom window and my dog was going mental. Who the fuck cleans windows at half 7 on a Saturday morning? Pissed me right off, but I went back sleep. Took my meds last night and slept loads better, thank god. Jensen took me Asda last night so i dont need go the shops today. Ive got no plans for today, its 12.01pm and I just want the day to be over already.  Ive got an appointment Monday with my psychiatrist, I dont think there's anything more she can do to help me. We just need come to terms with the fact that I'll die young, by suicide because thats just how I see my life and death. I can't see a way out. Im trying my best everyday to get through each day. Im not thriving one bit, its just surviving. It takes all my energy just to get through each day and some people s...

My son was punched and kicked in the head this morning at 8.25am on the school grounds, but apparently because it was before half 8 when school opens, basically its not really the schools problem. Im so disappointed in my sons school! My son is ok. I said to the school, that kick to the head could of been fatal and ive already got one dead child. Im furious with the school. I said what is your policy on bullying because this isn't the first time my son has been hit. I just want him home with me. Hes not been school all week, he didn't want to go this morning, but I made him and he gets hit!! Ive told the school he'll be in school from 9am next week, half an hour after everyone else to avoid this cruel behaviour. They said Jesse is ok. I want him straight home from school and in the house where hes safe. Ive not left the house in days, I need to get out before I crack up. Been so low mentally. Just want to sleep all the time. Last night I couldnt sleep, I just couldnt fall a...

My dad and son have a new resting place now Damian has put me my shelf up. They're both on there together. I'll post a pic so you can see. I was up at 4am with Jesse being sick this morning, so no school again for him. His attendance is so poor. I'll be getting another bloody fine. Jesse's fast asleep now on the settee, hes been asleep a few hours now so I know hes not himself.  Hate being stuck in the house, even if its only nipping the shop it does me good. Im tired. Im tired all the time, doesnt matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired.  Damian has renewed Jay-Dees flower bed fees today, he pays for it every year. Nearly Jay-Dees birthday so ill be down to lay flowers. He should be turning 24 on the 30th of this month. Its just heartbreaking.  Miss my dad and son so much.

Ended up meeting my brother up Hanley yesterday, was only up there about an hour then I came back home. Did me good getting out for an hour or so. Got some toiletries and washing stuff and thats about it. Ive been my mums this morning get my hair done. Really had to force myself go because I hate having my hair done, but im glad my roots are gone now. You should of seen my hair, it was horrendous. Proper let myself go. Ive now got lilac hair because mum used a new toner, and lilac is ok with me. It'll fade the more I wash it, and we all know I barely wash my hair, so the lilac will be here for a while haha. Told my mum I loved her before I left and she never said it back. Now if I killed myself she'd be gutted she never said it back. I always tell people I love them because life is too short.  She asked me how I was last night, and I said I wish id just die in my sleep. She said "dont be silly"... well thats me fixed!! Not! Dont be silly, really pissed me off. She jus...

I feel so low today. Haven't taken Jesse school, I woke up, brushed my teeth and I just couldnt bring myself to face the day. Jesse wouldnt wake up and I just gave up trying to wake him and got back in bed.  I miss my dad and my son so much i could just cry. Grief is heavy today. Damians just told me its £100 to fix Jesse's hdmi port on his PlayStation thats broke. I'll never have any spare money for Christmas, there's always something that needs fixing or buying. Im so fed up of being alive and having to deal with everything. Im tired.  I feel so drained today, im sad. Life is overwhelming me today. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Why is life so hard? Im struggling today with wanting to be alive, id happily end it all today. I could self harm. I wont because I dont want Jesse seeing blood on my wrists so I promised myself that I wouldnt do it anymore. Just need a release from everything im feeling. Im going lie down on the settee and try and...

Jesse's just gone with Damian for a few hours and im just sat here looking at my son and dads urns on my fire. Feel a bit deflated today. Wish I could of stayed in bed all day. Jasper is sleeping tonight, ill go up bed about 8pm. Today im 1,716 days sober. 4 years and 9 months without a drink. Crazy. Im just drinking an alcohol free Kopparberg. Tastes just like the one with alcohol in. Dont usually drink alcohol free drinks incase it gives me the taste for the real thing, but im only having the one then ill b e back on my fizzy pop. Im going find a movie to watch or a good documentary, but first im going to carry on reading a few pages of my Bible.  I want my faith to grow and i think reading the bible will help. Heres a photo of my dad and sons urns on my fire that im sat looking at.. My dad's is the dark brown one and my sons has the tree of life on the front.