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October 12th Monday.

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My cat went feral a couple of weeks ago, he was hissing and howling at us. It took over a week for him to calm down and last night he did it again, only today hes gone for me. Hes clawed me and sunk his teeth into my arm. I was dripping of blood when I got him off me. Ive made a vets appointment for tomorrow morning at 9am to get him checked out. The vets told me I needed see my Dr about the bites because they will become infected. The doctors have looked at my bite marks and have prescribed me with antibiotics which ive got collect from the pharmacy tomorrow.  The thing im getting at is that I dont know what to do about my cat. Im scared to be near him, he just keeps hissing and howling at me. I think im going have to surrender him or have him put asleep. I love him so much, but I can't keep being scared in my own home. The kids dont want me get rid of him, but I feel like I have no choice. Im scared about going bed tonight incase he attacks me again. He doesnt like my dog, his ba...
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October 11th Sunday.

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One of my friends came yesterday, it wasn't planned, she just asked if I was in and that she was coming across. Did me good if im honest. Not really one to socialise, I force myself so I dont get stuck in this rabbit hole im in. Anyway, the couple of hours she was here did me good, we chatted and laughed. Ive got some good friends around me. Jesse's just gone with Damian so ive just jumped in the shower.  I feel ok today, grief isn't weighing me down, its there, but not as heavy today. I was meant be going meet a couple of friends today, but I really can't be bothered to leave the house. Im showered and in clean pjs. Jasper is sleeping over tonight, ill be in bed early ready for my alarms in the morning. I say alarms because I have to set more than one. Ive been getting up easier by setting numerous alarms from 6.30am-7.15am. Gradually waking myself up, its working and Jesse did a full week last week so ill carry on. I started watching The Mentalist yesterday on Netflix...
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October 10th Saturday.

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I still remember holding my dads hand as he took his last breath. He inhaled and his exhale was so slow and long, and then he was gone. I remember crying out loud shouting 'dad dad'. I was a mess. I stayed with my dad in hospital for the two nights he was in there. I didn't leave his bedside day and night. When everyone left after visiting, it was just me and my dad. I slept leant over his bed whilst my body was on a chair, if you get what I mean. I loved that man so much and I still do. I remember when the policeman told me they'd found my son dead and I just kept saying'it can't be my son'. My hands trembling as i tried to find Damian in my phone. I remember Damian answering the phone and I told him his son was dead. Ive never seen Damian get to my house as fast as he did. I miss my baby boy so much, its killing me. Today I have all of this going around in my head. They call it PTSD. I just want to end my life, im so done with living. Im in so much pain me...
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October 9th Friday.

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Jesse has finally done a full week at school. Feeling proud of myself for forcing myself to get my arse out of bed every morning for a full week. Can't wait for a lie in tomorrow.  I'd say I feel deflated today, but ive felt like this since my dad passed away. 6 years next month since he died. Ive been suffering for nearly 6 years. So much has happened since he passed away. I had cancer 6 months after he died. Can you imagine that? Dad dies of cancer and 6 months after you have cancer. It broke me. Honestly thought I was going to die of cancer like my dad did.  Dad's partner, Sharon died. My step mum. She was only 52 years old. My dad was 55 years old. I had a breakdown after I went sober, and my son died. How im still standing I will never know. Ive only been the cafe a couple of times this week, Jesse takes himself so I dont see the point in me going everyday. Can't be bothered with the small talk and the fake smiles I have to wear. I am so fucking depressed.  Im so t...
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October 8th Thursday.

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Didn't go cafe this morning, not left the house today. Im lucky really that Jesse bikes to school and back independently, he has his own cash card which I put money on so he can buy himself snacks from the cafe. Im just not feeling life today. Jay-Dees canvas came earlier, which ive put up in my living room. I'll put the pic at the end. Broke my heart, im so heartbroken.  I was just sat thinking of everyone ive lost within the past 6 years and there's so many people gone who I loved. Alot of dads friends have passed away, who were my friends too. Life is just so cruel. I can't keep living like this, i need a break from life. Im sick of waking up in the morning and trying to pretend that im ok. Im sick of taking medication just to get through each day.  I need to find myself. Im so lost. My friends asked if we were meeting up tonight for a catch up, and ive declined. Just not in the mood for small talk and a fake smile. No thanks, I'll stay at home and be miserable b...
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October 7th Wednesday.

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Sat in the cafe this morning feeling very deflated, but I smiled when anyone spoke to me, I agreed when things were said, but I wasn't fully there. My body was there, but my mind was elsewhere. Grief is heavy today. I miss my dad and son so much. I could cry. Life was never meant to be this way. I feel so sad inside, i have a couple of "better" days, then boom, grief hits me like a brick. Im tired, im so tired of pretending that im ok. People haven't got a clue what im going through mentally. Im drowning, even on them better days im still drowning. My head is literally above water.  My body feels heavy, like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders. My heart aches inside my body. I just want to sleep my days away, but I have to be a mum. Ive got cook a spag bol for tea and ive got no energy, but ill cook it because im a mum and my kids need feeding. Im just so fed up of living this life. I looked at my medication earlier as I took my morning meds and I have eno...
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October 6th Tuesday.

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Got up late this morning, forgot to set my bloody alarm. Rushed around, got Jesse dressed and off to school, which is good for me because usually when I wake up late I just let him have a day off. I waited for him to go in school at half 8, watched him on the tracker (life360) and then I went back bed. Had crazy dreams. I was at a gypsy wedding wearing an all in one tight white outfit and my front tooth was wobbly and hanging out of my mouth. What the hell haha.  I sent my mum a card Friday with that photo of Jay-Dee in the clouds and inside I just wrote "i love you mum". She's received it today and put it in a frame. I knew she'd frame it thats why I sent it to her. Just a small gesture of love.  I always tell my family I love them because if im honest, I dont know how long ive got left on earth. One day depression will take my life, I just know it. So say I love you when you have the chance. I tell my boys all the time I love them, im in a group chat with my boys an...
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