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November 14th Saturday.

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Im going to miss my dad and son forever, until i die. Ive got to live with this heartache every single day, until i pass away. Im not sure ive got forever in me, I dont know how long I can be strong for. I dont want to live to an old age, ive told my brother and sister that I dont want to grow old. Im not sure what age I want to die, or even if ill get the choice to choose when I die. Anything could happen to me, I could get knocked over by a car tomorrow. You just dont know when your time will be up, but what I do know is that I dont want to grow old. I want to live long enough for my boys to grow older and then im done. My time on earth will come to an end. Im so desperate to experience death and see my dad and son again. I imagine death being so peaceful. I hope I die in my sleep, I mean, I will if I take an overdose one night. So thats guaranteed, but I just imagine death being peaceful and an end to all the pain im in. I'll be 43 in January, 43 and im thinking about when ill e...
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November 13th Friday.

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I hope my dad and son knew how much I loved them, i hope they know just how much I miss them. They were an important part of my life and I miss them terribly.  My heart aches every single day for them both. My father, my best friend and my first born child are gone forever and its killing me.  It will be 6 years on Sunday for my dads death, he also died on a Sunday. I miss him so much. Honestly, im not sure how ive made it through everything thats happened in the last 6 years. I sure do have some strength inside of me. Ive had a couple of breakdowns, I wont lie and its been far from easy, but somehow im still alive and im still fighting for my life. As much as I think about death and ending it all, my boys give me the strength to keep going. They wouldnt make it if they lost me too. I couldnt do it to them. They've already lost their grandad and brother. Can you imagine if they lost their mother on top of that. I do think one day depression will take my life, but thats not goi...
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November 12th Thursday.

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My son died and now i hate.. June 2nd Christmas  Birthdays Liverpool  Pretty much everyday Can't even begin to tell you how much I miss my child. I only got 21 years with him. He had so much more life to live.  What lesson am I being taught because losing my father, I thought what lesson am I meant to learn from this and then I lose my son.  What have I learned from losing them both? I know the world is cruel! Thats a lesson i learnt and God threw cancer in between, what the fuck am I suppose to learn from all this tragedy??? When do i get a happy ending?  How could I possibly ever have a happy ending after losing my father and son? Im going to be sad forever and ive got to accept that.  I dont want to feel this way forever. I can't go on living this way. Either grief or depression will end my life one day, im certain of that. My heart screams out a silent scream that only I can hear. Im in silent pain from their deaths. I dont know how ill ever get better ...
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November 11th Wednesday.

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Its really playing on my mind that my son died by suicide. I'll never understand why he killed himself. Im absolutely heartbroken. I didn't think I could see any signs of depression, he was always a quiet young man, he stayed in his bedroom alot gaming or sleeping. Was that a sign? He also went out to raves with his mates, so I thought he was fine. Did I miss something? Could I of prevented his death? Why didn't my mother's instincts kick in through the night when he was in Liverpool? When the police knocked on my door, the first thing I said was "have I done something wrong?". It never occurred to me that they were there to tell me they'd found my child dead. Hearing those words broke me in that moment. I'll never forget when they said my son was dead. I remember shaking trying to find Damian in my phone. Funny thing is, Damian never answers his phone its always on silent, but that morning it rang through once and he answered. I'll never forget th...
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November 10th Tuesday.

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Dreamt about Jay-Dee last night, then I woke up.. Gutted. I miss my son so much, i miss my dad, but losing a child is the worst pain imaginable. My heart aches. I could cry.  Ive lost a part of me when my dad and son died, a massive part of myself. I died inside.  Anyway, Jasper has just come. Hes been the orthodontist. Jesse is off school, yesterday and today hes made out hes not very well. I think he doesnt want go because hes being bullied. Ive told the school numerous times that hes being bullied and nothing gets done. Sick of it. I'll end up home schooling him.  Im making a pasta bake for tea with a side salad with cottage cheese. Can't stop thinking about seeing Jay-Dee in my dream last night, it felt so real and then we wake up. Cruel really isn't it?. Some days it still doesn't seem real that my dad and son are gone forever. Feel like im living a nightmare everyday. Anyway, i dont have much to say, feel a bit deflated if im honest. Wish id never of woken up and ...
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November 8th Sunday.

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Jesse's with Damian, he has been for a couple of hours now. Ive been to see a few of my friends, had a cuppa and a catch up. Jensen collected me not long ago and we've nipped Asda for a few bits. I say a few bits, I spent £52 in about 10 minutes.. wtf. Im going cook tea soon. Spag bol tonight. Today hasn't been a bad day. Its always the evenings that get me down, when Jasper goes home and Jensen and Jesse are in their bedrooms, gaming. Its when I sit with my own thoughts, thats when I miss my dad and son the most.. I think about them both all throughout the day and night, regardless of how im feeling. I still think about them. This day next week will of been 6 years since my dad passed away. 6 years! How have I made it through the last 6 years with everything thats happened? I didn't just lose my dad and son, I lost myself along the way. I became quiet, I look for Robins in my garden. I say hello to Butterflies. Im empathetic, I see everything more clearly. I dont stres...
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November 7th Saturday.

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Bedding is stripped, washed and dried, ready for me to put it all back on. Love having clean bedding to climb into at night, but god do I hate making the bed. Making a chicken dinner later for tea, can't wait for that. Im having a pj day today watching Bones on Netflix.  Got my dad and son on my mind alot today, I miss them so much. I slept in till 10am today and I still feel shattered. I could just sleep my life away. Ive got my Christmas decorations up and my living room feels so cosy with my tree lights on. I know ive put them up early, but I really dont care. Wanted to bring a bit of happiness into our lives, so thought id put them up. My cat is still living upstairs through the day, until I go bed and then he gets the run of the house. Hes calmed down loads, im just scared of him.  Its 1.40pm and my eyes feel so tired and heavy. Might have a nap.. Look at my little tree 🎄
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