Cancer, Depression and Me.

Feel like im going insane, keep seeing things on tiktok about people dying by suicide and I just can't help thinking about my own son taking his life. Suicide isn't selfish, he must of been really struggling early hours of the morning he decided to kill himself. My heart breaks every single day. Ill never understand why he killed himself. I know hes in a better place, but my heart is broken. I wish I could just commit suicide and be done with this life, but it would destroy my living children. Cancer stole my father from me! Im in so much pain in my heart from losing them both. I dont know how to live through the pain. I just dont want to be alive anymore. The pain I feel inside is excruciating. Im convinced ill die of a broken heart or depression will win and ill take my own life someday. Everyday is hard work. Being alive is draining me. Im so tired of fighting for a life I dont even want. I force myself to do things that I really dont want to be doing. Went the cafe this mor...

Ive got Jay-Dees funeral song playing over and over in my head. Such a beautiful song that Damian chose. Its one of Damians favourite songs hes loved since he was young. The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars. Ive got those lyrics tattooed above my knee on my right leg with Jay-Dees name underneath. My dad's funeral song was Burning Love by Elvis Presley haha. Dad was a massive ACDC fan, so when his coffin was carried in I chose Highway To Hell by ACDC. I know he would of loved that. When Jay-Dees coffin was carried in we had The Smiths This Charming Man playing. It was Jay-Dees and his best mate Brad's favourite song and for my dad's and Jay-Dees last song we had How Long Will I Love You, by Ellie Golding playing. Makes my heart break just talking about it. Ive sat front row at two funerals and it kills me. Ill never heal from what's happened, no matter how much time has passed. Grief will kill me. Im so broken hearted. Didn't take Jesse school today, hes being bu...

Childhood Dreams by Nelly Furtado. The most beautiful song ive ever heard. Jay-Dees funeral song. Ive listened to it today and it breaks my heart. Looked at photos of Jay-Dee today and I just want to scream out loud!! My baby gone forever. I'll never come to terms with his death or my father's death. Im really struggling with wanting to be alive. Ive met up with a couple of friends today, faked my smile, joined in with conversations, and the whole time I was out, I just wanted to be at home. I wish people knew how hard life is for me. My beautiful son gone forever, my heart is broken. My dad, my best friend, gone forever. How do you come to terms with their deaths? Asking for myself.. for someone thats not afraid to die, I certainly can't deal with death. Its killing me everyday. I go to bed hoping I die in my sleep, I wake up and have to deal with suicidal thoughts everyday. I could easily kill myself. I have enough medication in my kitchen window to take my own life. I th...

So fucking depressed. So fed up of waking up everyday. I know i should be thankful to wake up for my children, but when you suffer with depression its hard to find happiness in waking up. I ordered another canvas yesterday of Jay-Dee to go next to the big one I have in my living room that a few friends brought me. Up my stairs on one wall is covered in canvases. I just love having photos around me of my children. Keeps me going. Im absolutely gutted that my father and son are both dead. It kills me inside every single day. My dad's death destroyed me, that man was my best friend. To then lose a child, oh god, i can't even put into words how much thats destroyed me. My beautiful son gone forever. Nearly 2 years without my son. I could cry, scream, but that wont bring him or my dad back. Im trying to accept their deaths, but I can't. I dont know how to. I dont know how to carry on living. Im really struggling with being alive. I just want to end it all and be done with. Why i...

Don't think i can do this anymore. Im so fed up of being alive. Ive had enough of this groundhog day life. Don't know what I can do to change the way I feel. Losing my father and son has killed me inside. I wear a fake smile everyday, I try to make conversations with my friends and non of them know im dead inside. Im tired of pretending that im ok. I wish someone would take this pain away I feel inside every single day. Im tired of waking up, im tired of trying my best to live, when all I want to do is die. Im just so fucking tired. I hate everything about myself. Ive got nothing inside of me, I feel empty. I just want to end my life.. can't though because it would destroy my kids. Its cruel making me live. I wish my kids new how unhappy I was and say its ok for me to go because id be gone already. I can't keep living like this. Grief is consuming me. Im so depressed. Im so sad inside, but I wear a smile when im around people, its exhausting! Im mentally tired. Im surpr...

Told my sister earlier that I wished I was dead. She said my children need their mum. I told her the only reason im alive is for them. If my last suicide attempt was successful, id of been dead over 5 years now. I truly believe that my dad sent me back. He knew my kids needed their mum. The death of my father and son has destroyed me. Grief is killing me off slowly. I think about them all through the day, im drained all the time. Ive got no will to live, im just surviving each day. I can't seem to snap out of how I feel. I can't find happiness. Jesse was in the bath earlier and I washed his hair, then I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't recognise the person looking back at me. Im a mess. I see my psychiatrist next week, its been months since ive last seen her. She's going to ask me how im feeling and im going to tell her, suicidal. Fed up of being alive and fighting for a life I dont want. Im riddled with anxiety, depression and grief, i ask myself how the fuck ...