Cancer, Depression and Me.

Yesterday Jensen was sat with me and we were talking, he said congrats on being 4 years and 2 months sober. He said 4 years of not finding you with blood all over yourself and nearly dead. That fucking hit me hard. I said if i was still drinking id be dead already and he agreed. That's why im staying sober!! My kids deserve a present, sober mum. I know im depressed and the kids know i am, but im controlling my suicidal thoughts. The strength I get from my boys is amazing. Jensen asked me if I wanted go Hanley, he wanted go a jewellery shop for a necklace for himself, whilst we were in there, we saw this little, im sure they're called signet rings or something like that, for your little finger. Jensen said pick one and ill buy it you. I said thank you and chose one. I said save it for Mother's Day. Did I mention ive got a Tiffany necklace coming hes brought me. Hes such a thoughtful beautiful boy. He spoils me. We went Asda and hes brought me some Mother's Day gifts from...

Why am I like this? Why can't I accept that my dad and son are both dead. What's wrong with me? Ive been depressed since I can remember and I know its going to kill me one day because I can't keep living like this. I just want to die. Ive just got back from my mums, shes done my hair for me. Well shes done half my hair, I came home with my toner on, so just had to wash that off. At least I have nice hair. Mental health is shit, but my hair looks good. Told her im tired all the time and she said its my depression. I just hate getting out of bed and having to do this life. As much as I wish I was dead, I need to stay alive for my boys. They'd be devastated if I killed myself. I always think to myself i have more than enough medication in the house to overdose. This is how my fucked up my brain works! I just hate being alive. Can't have a relationship because my heads too fucked up to be with anyone. How can I even try to love someone, when I dont even love myself? Im ...

Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...

Felt like shit all day, mentally speaking, but took Jasper and Jesse bowling. Had such a good time with them. Im glad I push myself to do stuff. Was only out the house a couple of hours, but it did me good. Straight home after and back in my pjs. Ive called things off with Natalie, can't be doing with being with someone. My mental health comes first and I need to get better. Can't love someone else when I dont even love myself. She's telling me she loves me.. fuck off! Can't be bothered at all with being with someone. I like it just being me and my boys. I know im not ready for a relationship. I feel like shit, I just want go bed. Sick and tired of feeling like this. I just want my dad and son back. Im going on a serious diet Monday, fed up of feeling and looking horrible. Im just so fed up. This smile i wear on my face is tiring. The only time I have a genuine smile on my face is when im with my boys. They make me happy when im with them. Maybe im too far gone to be in...

Got tearful in the cafe this morning, talking to my friends about their mental health and I told them about my suicidal ideation that I have most days. Living shouldn't be this hard. I was thinking of all the jobs ive done in the past and how much I loved working, to now been on the sick for over 5 years. After my dad died something died in me. I lost myself. I honestly feel like I died inside. Things just kept getting worse for me. Had to deal with having major open surgery to remove my cancer and then my son goes and kills himself. How do you come back from all this tragedy? I was telling my friend how mentally unwell I am and it upsets me. I never use to be like this. I was so outgoing and bubbly and now im a shell. Ive got nothing in me. The old me died the day my father died and ive not been found since. I keep trying to find me, but im having no luck. Ive booked bowling tomorrow tea time for me, Natalie and Jesse, but due know what, I dont even want to go. Yes, I know it will...

Not a good day mentally today. Keep seeing my dad and son on my digital photo frame ive got next to Jay-Dees urn on the fire, my heart aches. Oh how I wish life was different. Im a Christian, but I often find myself wondering why God gave them to me and then he took them away from me? Some days are hard and today is one of those hard days. Questioning my faith, why did God take them from me? I have to think about how my life has changed since they've been gone, for the better might I add, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Im sober now, would I be if my dad was still alive? The answer is no, so something good did come from my dad's death. Im trying to see the positives in my life. Ive prayed out loud today, ive prayed for strength to get me through today. Feel like crying. I miss them both so much. Ill never understand why God needed them more than I do. Im in a dark place today. There's no one in the house except me and I could easily kill myself, but then my ch...