Cancer, Depression and Me.

World suicide prevention day today and it got me thinking, if one of Jay-Dees friends had followed him out of that hotel room early hours of that Sunday morning, maybe my son would still be alive. He was walking around Liverpool for hours on his own early hours of the morning before he killed himself at 5.30am. Im so heartbroken I can't even begin to explain.  Still doesnt seem real that ill never see my son again. My dad's death was inevitable, cancer was starving him to death with it being Esophageal cancer. Its a cruel cancer. You watch your loved one starve to death.  I feel sick today with grief, its making me physically ill. Feel like I could throw up. I wish I could just end my life and be done with, thats honestly how I feel, but I can't leave my other children.  Suicide just passes the pain to your loved ones.  I hope my dad and son know how much I miss them. Its killing me slowly. Im a shell of a person and grief and depression are killing me. I wont live t...

Jesse had Monday and Tuesday off school, but ive taken him in today. Its so hard to find the motivation to take him. Im always tired. It takes all ive got to not kill myself, so school isn't top of my priorities. It should be, but its not. Some days it takes all ive got in me to get out of bed. Am I in denial about my father and sons death? Is that what's wrong with me? Because im trying to work out how to help myself mentally, but i dont know what's wrong with me. I know they're dead and they're not coming back, but i just can't come to terms with it all. Ive never looked until last night at the multistory car park my son fell from. The 17th floor he fell from. Knocked me sick, felt like id been punched in the stomach. Im so sad inside.  I honestly dont know how you come back from all the tragedy ive been through.  Ive been writing this blog for over 5 years, and ive been depressed much longer than that. I started blogging when I had cancer in the hopes my blog...

My dad and son died knowing i loved them, so why can't I just come to terms with their deaths. Its killing me inside. I think about them both all throughout the day. Im not even exaggerating, they are on my mind all the time. Grief eats away at me when im awake, probably why I like being asleep. Its an escape from my own mind. I hate that i have no choice but to live this life ive got, when all I really want to do is die. Im so fucking depressed. All the medication im on and im still depressed.  Anyway, something less depressing, ive made a homemade lasagne for tea which is currently slow cooking ready for later. We're having tender stem broccoli and green beans and garlic bread with it.  Doesn't matter how depressed I might be, my kids will still eat.

Week 2 at school and i didn't take Jesse. Woke up at 7am with dead bad anxiety, so I got back in bed and went back sleep. Feel like shit today. Really low mood. Ive just scrubbed my bathroom because it was disgusting. My back is in bits now from leaning over the bath to clean it. Im taking Jesse tomorrow because im going my mums to get my hair done. I hate hair day when I have to have my roots done. Hate doing anything with my hair. I keep thinking of going a barbers and getting it all cut off. I just hate it.  Feel like shit today, could of slept the day away, but i have to get up and feed everyone including my pets. Do you ever get fed up of doing everything? The cleaning, the washing, cooking, paying the bills, im just fed up of being an adult. You know what id love be able do, a solo holiday. Just a break away on my own for a few days. I never would because of my anxiety, but I wish I could do it. A break from life. I need to book another holiday for next year, something to loo...

Had a child free Jesse night last night, he stayed Damians and they all went swimming this morning. I went my brothers yesterday for a few hours to break my day up. Got all my bedding washed and dried. Absolute bliss getting into fresh bedding last night. Think I was asleep for 10pm. Had a lovely lie in, ordered myself Jensen and Jasper breakfast and had a chilled day watching movies. Back to the school run tomorrow, the weekends go by so fast. Mentally, im ok. I mean, we all know im far from ok, but I just say im ok because its easier than explaining why im not. Jesse got home a few hours ago, hes had a brill time at swimming and then playing football with Damian. He loves his time with Ted as Jesse calls him. He calls him Ted because Damian has a dog called Ted and ever since Jesse could talk hes always called Damian Ted haha we all call him Ted now, its funny. Jesse knows his name is Damian, but we call him Ted. Anyway, we're getting a takeaway for tea and then I want to buy hea...

I walked Asda this morning with a friend ive not seen in a while, he beat cancer which is amazing, and then he mentioned my cancer and how well I was doing considering ive lost my dad and son too. It just made me sad that people just think of the bad shit ive been through.  I use to be happier before all the trauma.  Im broken now, im just sat thinking about how depressed I am. When I think of everything ive been through, I stop and think how the hell am I still standing.. Im on alot of medication which keeps me afloat and I also get strength from my boys. My reasons to keep going. Its crazy to think i had cancer 5 years ago, 6 months after my dad died of cancer and I was forced into early menopause because of the surgery I had. Ever likely my heads fucked! Menopause, depression, grief, im really struggling with everything.  Wishing I was dead everyday, but refusing to kill myself, just hoping I naturally pass away. Its horrible. I hate my own brain. I should be thankful ...