Cancer, Depression and Me.

I think about killing myself alot, but the pain i feel from losing my father and son, I could never pass that pain on to my children, my family or my friends. So as much as I think about it, I always think about them and what it would do to them.  As much as I long to see my dad and son again, I know ive got to wait until its my time to go. Im in a constant state of before and after, life and death. I had to start a new life after their deaths, a new life without them and as much as I want to die, I also want to live for my children.  Im living a real life nightmare. Its horrible and cruel.. Waking up this morning and getting Jesse ready for his first day in his last year of primary school and it hit me that if I killed myself, who would help him button up his shirt? Who would walk him to school? I kissed and hugged him before he went in and I said I love you so much, have the best first day. Its things like this that keep me going. So as much as id love to end it all, I have ...

Suicide awareness month and my heart breaks all over again. Its a month to remember those lost to suicide like my son and to those who are suicidal like myself.  I want to be alive for my boys, but I always have suicidal ideation. I welcome death with open arms, just so I can see my dad and son again. Im riddled with anxiety today about going back school tomorrow. Im so nervous about going and I dont know why. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Im so broken its unreal. I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Ive felt like this for years and its not getting better. I dont know how im still standing after losing my father and son. I honestly dont know how ive not killed myself already.  I think about death way more than I should do, its not normal how often I think about killing myself. Im seriously fucked in the head!  Tomorrow ill go the cafe and see my friends who ive not seen over the holidays and ill wear my fake smile, like everything is ok and deep down inside i just want t...

I was just sat thinking about when I told my dad, whilst he was battling cancer, that the funeral home wouldnt collect his body when he dies unless i had £1500 upfront and when my dad passed away, I found £1500 in money bags that he had sorted out for me. Breaks my heart. He had 2 lots of life insurance I had to sort out after id registered his death and then I had to plan his funeral. I remember everything from him dying to me sorting all of his bungalow out and his finances.  When my son died, luckily I had Damian to help with everything. Planning 2 funerals will stay with me forever. Its just heartbreaking.  I relive these things everyday, i guess thats the PTSD.. I could cry today, im so sad. I just want my dad and son back and I know its not possible. It kills me inside.  I was a daddy's girl through and through, I did everything with my dad. I saw him every single day. He was my drinking partner. One of the reasons I gave up alcohol after my dad passed away, drinkin...

Jensens 23rd birthday today, im trying to be happy for him, but my heart is aching. It aches for my father and son who are no longer here with me. Im so sad inside.  Jensens had £200 off myself and his dad, so hes not done too bad. I got him a little gift, its a glass jigsaw piece with a little verse on about how much I love having him as my son.  I love my boys so much, life is cruel taking one of them away from me. Two more days and ill be back to the school run, looking forward to getting back into a routine, but ive got anxiety about going. God knows why. Jesse's last year in primary school. Im dreading him going high school next year. Hes my baby, my last baby. Also, how long does the menopause last? Its been 5 years now and im still having hot sweats and really bad memory loss.. We've had chicken and stuffing buttered baps for tea, was so nice.  Now im sat thinking about how much I miss my dad and son. My dad would of made everything better for me, I use to tell my ...

I go to bed at night hoping that ill see my dad and my son in my sleep. I very rarely do and it breaks my heart. I hate being awake and having to participate in life, but i do for my kids. I keep living for them. If only they knew they were the only reason I keep going.  Ive realised that everything ive been through has broken me, but im a stronger person, if that makes sense. Ive got to be made of strong stuff to keep going. There are times when I just want to give up, but I push through. Them suicidal thoughts are no joke, they can be so overwhelming, but I fight through them for my boys. The ONLY reason i keep going is for my children or id of been dead years ago.

Got up early today because my brother took me get my medication and then he took me Asda to get a birthday cake and cards for Jensen, he'll be 23 on Sunday. Back home and back in my pjs. Ive got such a good brother, he does alot for me. Feel a bit better today, dont know if its because ive left the house or im just having a better day, but ill take it. Im still sad, but not as sad as yesterday if that makes sense. Still sat thinking about my dad and son. I think it will be this way until I die. Im always going to feel sad. Jay-Dees birthday next month, not looking forward to it, but ill buy him a cake and we'll celebrate his birthday like we always do. It'll be 6 years for my dad in November. Dont know honestly how ive survived the last 6 years. Im heartbroken. I miss my dad and son more than anything in the world. Got to keep living for my other children. That's what I tell myself when I have suicidal thoughts. I still find it hard to believe that my son took his own l...