Cancer, Depression and Me.

Went my mums yesterday so we could do each other's hair. The man driving the taxi didn't stop talking, he asked me how many kids I had and I said 4. He asked how old my oldest was and I said 23, because thats how old he should be. I couldnt bring myself to tell him he was dead so I just carried on like he was still alive. Its hard talking about Jay-Dee because I just want to cry. He should still be here. Life is so cruel. Stayed mums for a couple of hours then Jensen came to pick me up. Hes such a good boy. He helps me so much. Jasper is home from Portugal tomorrow, ive missed him. My brother has been here for the majority of the day today, its been nice.  Jesse is with Damian and hes having a sleepover so im going start watching Manifest on Netflix in bed. Going enjoy my child free night and just relax. I can't put into words how much I miss my dad and son. It kills me inside. I honestly can't wait to die to see them both again. Wonder how long ill live for. Do you eve...

Its 5:49am. Ive been awake since 4am because my naughty kitten started to knock stuff off my dad's urn in my bedroom and then I couldnt fall back asleep, so its an early start for me. My brother has not long been with my delivery of Pepsi Max. He comes every Friday early whilst hes at work with my pop. I have to have fizzy pop in the house all the time, it gets me through my sobriety. Not healthy I know, but its better than me drinking alcohol.  Jasper is having the best time in Portugal, I keep messaging him. Ive weighed myself this morning and ive nearly lost a stone in 2 weeks. Jensen and Jesse had a takeaway last night and I said no because i was fasting. Im fasting from 7pm to dinner time the next day and calorie counting. This weight should start to drop off. Im excited to be losing weight. I know im cheating with the Reta injection, but ive tried everything to lose weight without it. My weight has come from the Olanzopine. I want to lose 5 stone.  Im probably going to n...

Didn't get up for the school run, don't know what's wrong with me. Hes got non uniform day tomorrow, going try get him in school for his last day in year 5. Got my brother coming early so ill be up. Hes dropping me a crate of pop off whilst hes at work. Feel like shit today, mentally speaking. Got my dad and son on my mind. I have to believe my son is with my dad, its the only comfort I get from losing them both.  I can't wait to die to see them both again. I miss them so much.  Ive cleaned my bathroom to try and keep myself busy. Dont know why im struggling to wake up in the morning. Im still dieting, calorie counting so I dont go over 1400 calories each day. I will lose some weight! Anyway, im just doing a wash and going get that pegged out. Going go see my mates this weekend, going force myself to socialise.  Thank god after tomorrow Jesse has got 6 weeks off. Oh yeh, also, Jasper landed in Portugal a few hours ago. 2 holidays in 1 month, hes a lucky boy. Just hope h...

Didn't get up again for the school run. Dont know what's wrong with me, im just so tired all the time. Jesse's not complaining haha. We'll start a fresh September. I am going to try and take him tomorrow though.  I take that much medication, im wondering if thats what's making me so tired in the morning? I dont know. Since taking Mitazapine along with Olanzopine and Venlafexine ive noticed an improvement in my low mood. Im not as suicidal as I have been. I mean, im still depressed, but im dealing with it better. Im carrying my grief better. Still wouldnt say no to dying today, but i have no thoughts on doing it myself. So thats good. England play tonight, hoping for a win.  This Reta injection that im on is amazing, its really suppressing my appetite, finally something that works and its only £70 a month which is cheap compared to other weight loss jabs ive looked into. Just want shift a few stone, well, 5 stone to be precise. Im still eating, but no where near the ...

My alarm didn't go off this morning, which is weird because its on my phone and always goes off. Maybe I turned it off in my sleep, but what ever has happened, Jesse isn't in school. His attendance is so poor. Going start a fresh in September and do better. Anyway, I wanted to let you know, ive lost 8lb on my first week on the Reta jab. Im over the moon. Got alot of weight to lose. Its going to take months, but im excited to see this through and lose some of this weight. Ive still been eating on the jab, but no where near as much as I was eating. Its definitely suppressing my appetite.  Mentally im not doing too bad, ive been taking my medication correctly and I feel ok. Ive come to terms with the fact that im always going to feel sadness, even when I experience happiness. Grief will stay with me until I die, but im doing ok. I just want to sleep all the time, im always tired, that'll be the depression id imagine.  I signed up to Hinge the dating website, ive not come acros...

Last week in year 5 tomorrow for Jesse-John. Year 6 in September, can't believe my last baby is going into his last year of primary school. Crazy how fast time goes by. My mum is 20 days alcohol free, shes doing amazing.  Im meant be going my mates today for a catch up, but I really can't be bothered. Depression stops me from doing things. I really need to shower, its been a few days now. Ive just done a wash, going get it pegged out now. Just want to sleep, but i can't..  I feel a bit low today, dont know why. Been on Reta now for 5 days and cut my eating right down, I should of definitely lost some weight on Tuesday when i weigh myself. Had no side effects off it either so thats good. Im peeling everywhere its gross! Miss being on holiday, I need to book up again for next year, give me something to look forward to. Anyway, going sort my washing and get a shower.