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June 25th Thursday.

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Can not cope with this heat. Been nipping in and out of the house all day, but its too hot for me. This time next week ill be sunning it up around a pool or even on the beach. Still anxious about going, but im a bit excited too. Looking forward to spending some quality time with Jasper and Jesse-John. Its going be nice. Absolutely dreading the airport, im scared of flying so god help me haha. Looking forward to it now its getting closer though. Im not doing too bad, mentally speaking. Ive had moments of sadness, but ive got through it. Didn't take Jesse school today. I woke up to take him, but I decided not to in this heat.  Ive not brought loads to take on holiday, just a few pairs of shorts and t shirts. Got do the dreaded bath and shave before I go. Everything is hairy haha been single that long ive not bothered shaving so you can imagine what im dealing with. Im dreading it! It's 8.24pm now and im lying in bed with my fan on watching tv with Jesse. Thank god its Friday tomo...
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June 23rd Tuesday.

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I'll be honest, ive not felt too bad the past couple of days. We all know this wont last though. Still think about my dad and son everyday, but im carrying grief better.  Going Hanley tomorrow with Jasper so I can go Primark to get some holiday clothes. We go away next week and ive got nothing to take with me. Talk about last minute. I only need some shorts and tops, that will do. My holiday is creeping up and im so anxious about it. Im just praying we'll be fine. I engaged in conversation this morning in the cafe with my friends. Im feeling alot better. Ill be honest, I haven't been taking my medication properly and the past week ive made myself take the correct dose of medication, could be why im feeling better. I wanted come off my medication because I just feel numb, but I clearly need it so im taking the correct dose again. Just done 2 lots of washing and got it all pegged out. Love being able hang my washing outside. Im getting old, its the little things haha. Anyway,...
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June 21st Sunday.

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Another Father's Day without my dad, never gets any easier. I miss that man so much it kills me inside. On a lighter note, I showered today and washed my hair. Go me! Went see my friend earlier, only stayed an hour. Really wasn't upto it. Yesterday went fast, went shopping with Jensen in his new car. He loves it bless him. Jasper went on a night out yesterday and didn't get in till 3.45am. Can't believe hes 18 now and going on nights out. I officially feel old!  My boys are all growing up so fast. My hay-fever is so bad these past few days, my eyes are all blood shot and irritable. I keep taking hay-fever tablets. I watched a drama yesterday called Tiptoe, it was about the gay community. It was brilliant, sad, but very good. Im sad today that its Father's day and my dad isn't here. Life's so unfair. Fuck you cancer!! Damian has asked the boys if they want watch the football later at his house and it just makes me feel so sad that Jay-Dee isn't here to do...
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June 19th Friday.

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11 days and 22 hours until our holiday. Absolutely shitting myself!  Jensen brought a new car today, he had to get the train to Birmingham and then he drove back. He did have a Abarth, but it was costing him a fortune so he decided to sell it and get a different car. We went for a drive out in it earlier and went Costa coffee with Jasper and Jesse.  Love doing things with all my boys. Guts me that Jay-Dee isn't here anymore to do stuff with.  Ive just been sat staring at my digital photo frame and watching photos come on of my boys growing up. It breaks my heart that Jay-Dee is no longer here.  Father's day on Sunday and my heart aches for my dad. I miss him so much. I miss them both. Can't wait get into bed tonight and not have to set an alarm. I can't wait go sleep. Jasper's going home about 8pm ish and ill be getting in bed watch tv. I plan on taking Jesse to get his hair cut tomorrow and we'll nip Asda for snacks. Im not suicidal today, I wouldnt say no to d...
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June 18th Thursday.

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PTSD is something soldiers came home from war with and ive been diagnosed with it because of the death of my father and son. Everyday i relive their last day on earth. It haunts me. I dont know how to get better. Im struggling to live without my dad and son. I dream about my dad, well should I say, I have nightmares because hes always dying in my dreams. Hes always at the end of life with cancer. Its horrible. I just dont know how im meant to get "better". Im trying so hard to get on with life, but i just dont belong here anymore.  I sit with my friends and they're all laughing and joking and then there's just me sat there watching them all get on with their lives. Why can't I just get on with my life. Something in me changed the day my dad passed away. I died inside. He took part of me with him, and then my son took what was left of me when he died. I look at the world differently. I dont care about being alive anymore. I force myself to survive each day so I don...
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June 17th Wednesday.

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Ok, i know my dad and son are both dead. Ive accepted that, but what now.. how do I live? What am I meant to be doing? How do I get out of this depression? How can I lift my mood?  All I want to do is sleep because im chronically depressed. I dont know how to help myself, im not sure how to live this life. I was sat in the cafe this morning with 7 of my friends, I looked around and everyone was chatting away and then there was me. I wore my smile and engaged in conversation now and again, but I just felt like I dont belong anywhere.  I honestly dont see the point in my existence. Im struggling with staying alive. I just want to die in my sleep. What a peaceful death that would be. Im always tired, I take multivitamins everyday, yet im still so tired. Tired of life is what it is. I miss my dad and son so much, its killing me inside. Their deaths have destroyed my life. Knowing my kids are struggling too makes me feel so sad that there's nothing i can do to make them feel better...
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June 16th Tuesday.

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Been the doctors this morning with Jensen. I love how my boys still need their mum to do things with. He cried and said he was depressed after losing his brother. Some times I get so caught up in my own grief, that I forget they've all lost their big brother. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed us all. The doctors have given him a sick note for a month and he wants to find a new job because he hates his job. I feel so sad for my boys. Jasper is struggling with his mental health and now Jensen. I think they both need therapy. I struggle everyday with losing my father and son, so god knows how my kids must feel. This is why I can't kill myself, it would just tip my boys over the edge.  Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, I got up brushed my teeth and decided to get back into bed. I felt so tired. Im still tired today, but ive taken him school. Doesn't matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired. I know its the depression. Ill be collecting my new medication tomorrow, im just...
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