Cancer, Depression and Me.

Can't seem to snap myself out of how im feeling. Its been over a week now and i dont feel any better. I am so depressed. Didn't want to get up this morning, but Jesse wanted his breakfast and i needed to feed my animals. I desperately need to shower, but i just feel so drained. Ive got no energy do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. Ive got nothing inside of me, im so tired. Is the end coming? Ive given up on life, im trying so hard. Im finding no happiness in being alive. I know ive got to keep going for my boys, but I am so tired. Haven't even taken my morning medication yet, its 12.52pm. Need to force myself take them. Im going to force myself at some point today to get a shower and wash my hair. I can't keep living like this, this isn't living, this is surviving. 

I dont think i could feel any lower than I feel. Ive got dressed and took Jasper to his job interview, which he got. I went to collect my glasses from Boots. Got some shower gels from pound land and the whole time I felt like I was dying. Ive got nothing in me, but I keep showing up. I have hit rock bottom and no one would know. I feel sick, can depression do that? Im empty inside. Haven't even got the energy to blog, so ill see you tomorrow. 

2 of my friends came to visit me today for a few hours. I was going to cancel, but I didn't. I needed to feel normal, even if it was only a few hours. I ended up having a breakdown and crying. I told them how depressed I am and how suicidal I feel. I was crying that badly that I could barely talk. I told them how bad my depression has been this past week and how much I want to end it all, but I couldnt bare to leave my children. I just got everything off my chest about how ive been feeling. They were so supportive and caring. I said about how ive thought about taking all my tablets one night before bed and not waking up, about how ive thought about hanging myself or jumping off the bridge in Hanley. I just got everything off my chest. I needed to tell someone about how bad im feeling. I literally broke my heart. I reassured them that I couldnt leave my kids. I couldnt bare my kids to feel the way I feel about losing a parent. I told my friends that I was already grieving my dad and...

Felt so low for a while now and can't seem to snap out of it. Thought id blogged yesterday, but I must of forgot. I can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I know they're dead, so why can't I deal with it. What am I doing wrong? In 3 months it will be 6 years since I lost my dad. Ive been grieving for years and years, and then I lost my son. Its been over 2 years since he killed himself and I just can't come to terms with losing them both. I see other people who have lost people they love and they're still living their life. I feel like my life has stopped and everyone around me is living. I dont know what to do to make things better.  Ive forced myself to get dressed today and have a walk to Heron with Jesse to get some pop and snacks in. We did taxi back though. Was nice to get some fresh air. I was having a hot sweat at the till and the lady said shes been having them for 8 years. Couldn't be bothered to tell her ive been going th...

As i sit here and think to myself, I can't do this anymore, I realise I have no choice. I am so depressed and suicidal. Im so fed up of feeling this way. I just dont see a way out other than death. I dont see a light at the end of this tunnel im stuck in. I dont see myself in the future. I just can't do this anymore. Im so tired of fighting for my life. Its draining me. Its 3.06pm, im still sat in my pjs. Ive hoovered around, ive polished my sons urn and my heart broke. Im really struggling with life. I just want to cry, but I hold it together for my kids. If only they knew how much I was struggling. I could just get into bed and sleep. Jensen asked me if I wanted go KFC drive through with him, ive said yes, but im going in my pjs. Ive got zero motivation to do anything, I have to force myself to do things.  Im broke, I have no money to do anything with its depressing. Life is just shit and ive had all I can take. I wish my boys would just let me go and be ok with it, but thats...

I hand on heart dont know how i get through each day. Im drowning in grief. I feel like i can't do this anymore. Im heartbroken. The days are passing me by and my grief is getting worse. I miss them more and more as the days go on. Ive got no motivation. Jesse has gone Chester Zoo and I was meant be meeting a friend, but ive got zero motivation. Im still sat in my pjs and its 3.45pm. Im so tired, I could just get into bed. I just need some time alone to gather my thoughts, I need a few days in bed to just lie there. I need to sit in a room by myself and just breathe. Can't do any of that though because of the boys and my animals. I guess its a blessing really because it forces me to get up.  I wish I could tell you how I feel inside, but its just numb. I want to scream at the world for taking my dad and son from me. I want to cry, but I have to stay strong for my boys.  To look at me you wouldnt know that I was dead inside. I smile and talk like im fine, but im not. Im far fro...