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February 8th Sunday.

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Showered, wash, dried and straightened my hair this morning ready for my date tomorrow. Not going lie im a bit nervous, but im going to go. Met up with 3 of my friends today for a catch up. Jesse is having a sleepover at Damians so I have the bed to myself. Jasper is here, hes sleeping over. Ive just climbed into bed with my dog and im going sleep soon. Its not been a bad day mentally speaking. Tomorrow I will be a week off the weed. Its not been easy, but im trying my best and thats all I can do. Jesse breaks up Thursday for half term. Can't wait not have do the school run. Last night Natalie said 'why dont I stay up late, with it being a Saturday night?'. First of all, fuck off. I can go bed what ever time I want, but secondly im medicated morning and night and my night time meds make me sleepy. Pissed me off a bit when she said that. I can go sleep what ever time I want. I like being in bed for 9. Not got Jesse here now and im still in bed for 9 and I plan on going sleep...
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February 7th Saturday.

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Just sat thinking of the morning the police knocked on my door and told me my son was dead. I am absolutely heartbroken. I dont know how im ever going to come to terms with the death of my father and son. What's fucking wrong with me??! Grief is killing me. Damian said, am I telling the boys there's reasons to live and actually no im not. How can I give them reasons to live when I dont even want to be alive myself? I tell them we live for each other and thats all I can say. Im only alive today because my boys need me. We're all depressed, its just so sad. How am I meant to help my boys with their grief, when im drowning in my own? God life is hard! I was thinking about when my dad told me he had terminal cancer. I felt like id been winded. I can't seem to accept their deaths. Im messed up mentally. My heads a mess. I watched my dad deteriorate over 19 months. He was given 3-4 months without treatment, and 12-18 with, and he lived for 19 months. He didn't want to die...
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February 5th Thursday.

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One more early start tomorrow then two lie ins over the weekend. Jesse breaks up next Thursday for a week and I can't wait haha. Love my sleep i do. Told you its an escape. Monday is fast approaching when I meet Natalie, im not nervous, well I am a tiny bit, but im more excited. Im going buy her some flowers to take with me. Some roses. Its nice to be nice and it'll make her day and thats what its all about. Mentally im doing ok. Trying to see the positives in the day, rather than focusing on negativity. Trying to be thankful more for what I have. Im really trying to get better. Im pushing myself to do more. Whilst grieving for my father and son, im grateful for my living children. My dad and son will be waiting for me when its my time to die. Still wouldnt say no to dying haha. Seriously though, still wish I was dead most days.  Chatting to Natalie somehow brightens up my day. Could she be the one ive prayed for? Who knows, but we'll soon find out. Anyway, teas done and im...
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February 4th Wednesday.

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This April, I will be 5 years cancer free and if my next internal looks good, ill be discharged from the hospital. I have a big scar going down my stomach where I had 22 metal staples in. Ive been through so much, yet im still standing. I amaze myself if im honest. I was so tired yesterday, tried to nap, but couldnt fall asleep. I just felt so drained all day. Don't know why. Just put a joint of gammon in my slow cooker to have with chips and gravy for tea. Oh I didn't tell you, the school rang me after school yesterday to tell me Jesse has been hit in the eye with a child's water bottle. I was fuming!! Jesse apparently was lying on the floor crying. I said to the school which ever way you look at this situation, its assault! I said i dont touch my kids so ill be damned if someone else is going to hurt my child. His eye is red and swollen underneath. If it was a tiny bit higher it would of been his eye ball. Honestly, i felt so sorry for him. He was so upset when he come in...
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February 3rd Tuesday.

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Im so tired, but its the kind of tired that sleep can't fix. Im drained from fighting for my life everyday. Killed me getting Jesse up for school, but hes gone. Im meeting Natalie Monday for a coffee. Im hoping we hit it off. We've been talking now for about 5 weeks, so its time we met. Im so nervous. Ive been on my own that long, I forgotten what its like dating. Im hoping shes the one. But anyway, im tired. Life drains me. Its got to be because im depressed and grieving. Will I be grieving forever? Is this my life now? My sister has been split up with her ex for 7 months and shes already met someone and seems happy. Why am I struggling to move on. Its like im scared of meeting someone new. Don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, ive been smoking weed for years and years, ive never mentioned it before. Feel like I replaced alcohol with weed, so Sunday night I decided to smoke what I had left and call it a day. Long story short, im on day 2 with no weed. Hoping I can s...
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February 2nd Monday.

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Didn't take Jesse school, was up through the night with acid on my throat, sulphur burps and diarrhoea. Had a Chinese last night and it must of lay too heavy on my stomach. No more Chinese for me, clearly didn't sit well inside. Jensen took me Asda to get stuff to make a chilli for tea. Been speaking to Natalie still, its going ok. Jesses in bed and i won't be far behind. Had a sad moment, missing my dad and son. I try not stay sad for too long, I have to try and snap myself out of it. Meeting my sister up Hanley in the morning for a coffee and a catch up, which will be nice. Still got some money left on my Primark gift card I had for my birthday, so ill probably end up with more new pjs haha. Oh you can tell im getting old. Been tired all day today, but that'll be because I slept shit last night!. Jensen has been looking for apartments in Manchester, hes getting ready to leave home. Im going to miss him so much. Hate my children growing up, makes me sad that they won...
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January 31st Saturday.

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Jasper's just had his braces fitted. He just smiled at me and I saw Jay-Dee. He looks so much like him. Miss Jay-Dee and my dad so much. It hurts my heart that they're no longer here with me. Im sad today. January is finally over. Thank god. Spring is around the corner. Im 4 years and 1 month sober. Thank you Jesus. I pray for strength and ive made it through the first month of the year. I can do this. Im stronger than I think. Today's just a bad day. Tomorrow could be better and thats what im living for. The 'better days'. Im healing and its going to take some time, I need to stop being so hard on myself. Im drowning in grief, but somehow manage to stay afloat. I get my strength from my children and with the power of prayer. Thank god I have my faith to keep me sane. First thing I do now when im feeling down is pray. You might think im crazy and I probably am, but prayer helps me and thats the main thing. Anyway, going back to Jasper. Hes just had his braces fitted...
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