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September 7th Monday.

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Week 2 at school and i didn't take Jesse. Woke up at 7am with dead bad anxiety, so I got back in bed and went back sleep. Feel like shit today. Really low mood. Ive just scrubbed my bathroom because it was disgusting. My back is in bits now from leaning over the bath to clean it. Im taking Jesse tomorrow because im going my mums to get my hair done. I hate hair day when I have to have my roots done. Hate doing anything with my hair. I keep thinking of going a barbers and getting it all cut off. I just hate it.  Feel like shit today, could of slept the day away, but i have to get up and feed everyone including my pets. Do you ever get fed up of doing everything? The cleaning, the washing, cooking, paying the bills, im just fed up of being an adult. You know what id love be able do, a solo holiday. Just a break away on my own for a few days. I never would because of my anxiety, but I wish I could do it. A break from life. I need to book another holiday for next year, something to loo...
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September 6th Sunday.

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Had a child free Jesse night last night, he stayed Damians and they all went swimming this morning. I went my brothers yesterday for a few hours to break my day up. Got all my bedding washed and dried. Absolute bliss getting into fresh bedding last night. Think I was asleep for 10pm. Had a lovely lie in, ordered myself Jensen and Jasper breakfast and had a chilled day watching movies. Back to the school run tomorrow, the weekends go by so fast. Mentally, im ok. I mean, we all know im far from ok, but I just say im ok because its easier than explaining why im not. Jesse got home a few hours ago, hes had a brill time at swimming and then playing football with Damian. He loves his time with Ted as Jesse calls him. He calls him Ted because Damian has a dog called Ted and ever since Jesse could talk hes always called Damian Ted haha we all call him Ted now, its funny. Jesse knows his name is Damian, but we call him Ted. Anyway, we're getting a takeaway for tea and then I want to buy hea...
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September 4th Friday.

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I walked Asda this morning with a friend ive not seen in a while, he beat cancer which is amazing, and then he mentioned my cancer and how well I was doing considering ive lost my dad and son too. It just made me sad that people just think of the bad shit ive been through.  I use to be happier before all the trauma.  Im broken now, im just sat thinking about how depressed I am. When I think of everything ive been through, I stop and think how the hell am I still standing.. Im on alot of medication which keeps me afloat and I also get strength from my boys. My reasons to keep going. Its crazy to think i had cancer 5 years ago, 6 months after my dad died of cancer and I was forced into early menopause because of the surgery I had. Ever likely my heads fucked! Menopause, depression, grief, im really struggling with everything.  Wishing I was dead everyday, but refusing to kill myself, just hoping I naturally pass away. Its horrible. I hate my own brain. I should be thankful ...
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September 3rd Thursday.

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Feel so overwhelmed with grief today, my heart is aching.  I was walking back from the school this morning talking to another mum, and she said shes got 4 girls, I said ive got 4 boys. She said how old is your eldest, I said hes 23. Didn't say he was dead, I just talked like he was still alive and then it hit me that ive not accepted his death. I speak about Jay-Dee like hes just at work and he'll be home tonight. Its just heartbreaking.  Technically he is 23, but he'll forever be 21. He'll be turning 24 the end of this month and next June will be 3 years since he died. Honestly dont know how im still standing. Im so tired, I dont mean sleepy, I mean drained. My soul is tired of fighting grief. Ive been grieving for years and its not getting any better.  It'll be 6 years in November since my dad passed away. I started grieving when my dad told me he had terminal cancer 19 months before he died. I remember when he told me, I felt like id been punched in my stomach. I...
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September 2nd Wednesday.

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I think about killing myself alot, but the pain i feel from losing my father and son, I could never pass that pain on to my children, my family or my friends. So as much as I think about it, I always think about them and what it would do to them.  As much as I long to see my dad and son again, I know ive got to wait until its my time to go. Im in a constant state of before and after, life and death. I had to start a new life after their deaths, a new life without them and as much as I want to die, I also want to live for my children.  Im living a real life nightmare. Its horrible and cruel.. Waking up this morning and getting Jesse ready for his first day in his last year of primary school and it hit me that if I killed myself, who would help him button up his shirt? Who would walk him to school? I kissed and hugged him before he went in and I said I love you so much, have the best first day. Its things like this that keep me going. So as much as id love to end it all, I have ...
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September 1st Tuesday.

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Suicide awareness month and my heart breaks all over again. Its a month to remember those lost to suicide like my son and to those who are suicidal like myself.  I want to be alive for my boys, but I always have suicidal ideation. I welcome death with open arms, just so I can see my dad and son again. Im riddled with anxiety today about going back school tomorrow. Im so nervous about going and I dont know why. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Im so broken its unreal. I feel like i dont fit in anymore. Ive felt like this for years and its not getting better. I dont know how im still standing after losing my father and son. I honestly dont know how ive not killed myself already.  I think about death way more than I should do, its not normal how often I think about killing myself. Im seriously fucked in the head!  Tomorrow ill go the cafe and see my friends who ive not seen over the holidays and ill wear my fake smile, like everything is ok and deep down inside i just want t...
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August 31st Monday.

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I was just sat thinking about when I told my dad, whilst he was battling cancer, that the funeral home wouldnt collect his body when he dies unless i had £1500 upfront and when my dad passed away, I found £1500 in money bags that he had sorted out for me. Breaks my heart. He had 2 lots of life insurance I had to sort out after id registered his death and then I had to plan his funeral. I remember everything from him dying to me sorting all of his bungalow out and his finances.  When my son died, luckily I had Damian to help with everything. Planning 2 funerals will stay with me forever. Its just heartbreaking.  I relive these things everyday, i guess thats the PTSD.. I could cry today, im so sad. I just want my dad and son back and I know its not possible. It kills me inside.  I was a daddy's girl through and through, I did everything with my dad. I saw him every single day. He was my drinking partner. One of the reasons I gave up alcohol after my dad passed away, drinkin...
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