Cancer, Depression and Me.

Im sat crying, its 10:24am and im already crying thinking about my son. Last night I dreamt about ringing my dad and then it hit me that he was already dead. Such a strange dream, felt so real. I can't do this anymore, im so close to committing suicide. Im so fed up of being upset. Im not coping with losing my dad and son. Im living a nightmare that never ends. I say the same thing everyday, every single fucking day. Im struggling with living. I dont want this life ive been given. I just want to put myself out of the misery im living. You wouldnt let an animal suffer the way I am. Why can't I deal with death? What is wrong with me? Ive been the cafe see my friends, wasn't going stay, but I made myself socialise. Went Asda did some shopping and my friend dropped me off at home and then boom, the tears are falling. Im sat looking at my sons urn on the fire. My son and my dad are both in wooden boxes. Its killing me. Im so broken, I dont think i can be fixed. No amount of medi...

Got up again and took Jesse to school. Nipped in the cafe for 10 minutes, but didn't feel like staying. My dad and my son are on my mind today. Just like any other day, but today it feels heavy. My dad was my best friend. I miss him so much, it hurts my heart. 55 was no age to die. My son, my first born baby, gone at the age of 21. I feel so low in life without them. Its hard getting through each day. I long to see them again. I see photos of them everyday and it just makes me sad. I know they wouldnt want me living like this, but I just dont know how to live without them. I feel lost in life, I dont fit in anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. My faith in God is strong, but I have to ask, why my dad and son? Felt like having alcohol yesterday, I was craving it. Over 4 years sober and I still have days where I crave alcohol. I didn't give in, dont worry. Im still sober. Jensen treated us all to a take away last night, he said because he was working on Mother's Day, bless h...

So glad Mother's Day is over and done with. Yesterday was a hard day for me. Felt like the day went on forever. Tried to quit my vape, but ended up walking the shop last night for a vape. I can't do it. I tried. Ill try again when my vape runs out. Didn't go for a run this morning, im too fat to run, I need to lose some weight first! Been Asda to do some shopping, got healthy foods like rice, pasta, chicken and ground minced beef. Stuff to make healthy meals with. Cutting my chocolate out, well im going try anyway haha. Going see my friends tonight, going force myself to go because I know it will do me good. Taken Jasper the doctors this morning, they've increased his antidepressants, so we'll have see if they improve his mental health. His dad said he needs a better sleeping pattern, but I go bed at 9pm, I sleep through (thanks to Olanzopine), but im still depressed.. sleep doesnt fix depression. The seasons are changing and I feel stuck grieving. Im not appreciati...

Sat here feeling depressed, contemplating getting back into bed, but also willing myself on to get a shower. My heart hurts today. Mothers day and one of my children are in heaven. My heart aches. Im sat here telling myself to get up and get showered. Ive lost the will to live. Im so sad inside. Got no plans for today, just going to try and get through the day the best way I can. I will get a shower at some point. I could just get into bed and just lie there and watch the time pass me by. I knew today was going to be shit, I knew it would knock me back mentally. Was awake at 8am! So much for a lie in this weekend. Don't know why ive been waking up early. I plan on Jesse doing another full week next week at school. Got no vape. Fuck my life. Not really got much to say today if im honest, i feel depressed. You'd think id be use to this depression by now, but everyday gives me something new to feel shitty about. Ive had cards, chocolates, a new signet rings and all I want is my so...

Woke up early, 9:10am to be precise. Wanted a lie in, but I didn't get much of one. Stripped my bedding and washed it all, love getting into fresh bedding. My friends brought me a bunch of roses today to chear me up. I really do have the best friends. Made me smile. Ive been so low just lately, can't seem to snap out of it. Grief is hard. Im struggling to be happy. Ive not showered in over a week, im going make myself shower and wash my hair tomorrow. Depression is horrible. Having depression and grief is killing me off slowly. Im starting running Monday with Jasper, told him I might need walk and run and hes fine with that. Got to start somewhere. Ill try my best to jog the whole way. Ill have my head phones on with Jay-Dees play list playing and we're going to run to the crem and back. Visit Jay-Dees flower bed. Really hope i get into this running and eating healthy from Monday because it will make me feel better im sure. Going buy lots of chicken Monday and try and eat b...

I know its Friday, but let's talk about Sundays. My dad died on a Sunday and so did my son. I hate Sundays. I mean, I hate everyday, but Sundays are worse. I really need start going back to church on a Sunday. Not been for a few months. I choose sleep over going church which is really bad, but im always so tired. Jesse has gone to school and we've done a full week. Feel a bit proud of that, its not a big deal to some, but it is to me. I struggle to find the will to live in the morning and Jesse usually has a day or two off every week, but this week ive forced myself to get up and take him. Two more weeks to go and then hes off for two weeks. Going try to not let him have any more time off. His attendance is bad so we need to build his percentage back up. Think hes on 77% which is bad, but im trying. That's all I can do, try my best. Can't wait for my lie in tomorrow. Hate the weekends, love a lie in, but all I can think is that my son left on a Saturday and killed himse...