Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jesse's just gone with Damian for a few hours and im just sat here looking at my son and dads urns on my fire. Feel a bit deflated today. Wish I could of stayed in bed all day. Jasper is sleeping tonight, ill go up bed about 8pm. Today im 1,716 days sober. 4 years and 9 months without a drink. Crazy. Im just drinking an alcohol free Kopparberg. Tastes just like the one with alcohol in. Dont usually drink alcohol free drinks incase it gives me the taste for the real thing, but im only having the one then ill b e back on my fizzy pop. Im going find a movie to watch or a good documentary, but first im going to carry on reading a few pages of my Bible.  I want my faith to grow and i think reading the bible will help. Heres a photo of my dad and sons urns on my fire that im sat looking at.. My dad's is the dark brown one and my sons has the tree of life on the front.

Brought my dad's ashes down today and hes now currently next to Jay-Dees on the fire until Damian puts me my shelf up to put them both on in the living room. Last night I was moving dad's stuff off my draws and putting it all away safely. On top of my draws in my bedroom was like a shrine to him and its just become too much having so much heart ache everywhere. Im not forgetting my dad, im just putting some stuff into draws in my room. It was so hard last night putting dads stuff in draws, but its something I need to do for my own sanity. Its hard now having two lots of ashes sitting on my fire place. Im just hoping my floating shelf will hold them both. I miss my dad and my son so much. Jesse has been a party today at Inflato and whilst he was gone I went Asda with Jensen get stuff to make a chilli for tea, then I watched Romeo & Juliet. One of my favourite films. Ive not felt too bad today, im tired. Didn't get much sleep last so want go bed early tonight. Jasper is g...

Can you die from a broken heart? I feel like im fading away, im losing myself more and more as the days go by. I am so depressed and heartbroken. I hate being alive. One day im going to kill myself, i just know it. Im tired of trying to be strong everyday.  One of my friends said I was the strongest woman she knows. Let me tell you, I sure as hell dont feel strong. Ive lost my identity along the road of grief. I dont recognise myself in the mirror. My eyes are sad, when I look at myself i can see the sadness in my eyes and it breaks my heart. I use to be a bubbly outgoing person and now im walking around like the grim reaper is following me. Just waiting to die. Im not living, im surviving. There's a massive difference.  Jesse took himself to school today, he said I dont need go anymore, but thats where the cafe is that I see my friends, so ill still go. Didn't go this morning, decided to walk Asda when Jesse left at 8.10am and do some shopping. As I was walking to Asda my che...

World suicide prevention day today and it got me thinking, if one of Jay-Dees friends had followed him out of that hotel room early hours of that Sunday morning, maybe my son would still be alive. He was walking around Liverpool for hours on his own early hours of the morning before he killed himself at 5.30am. Im so heartbroken I can't even begin to explain.  Still doesnt seem real that ill never see my son again. My dad's death was inevitable, cancer was starving him to death with it being Esophageal cancer. Its a cruel cancer. You watch your loved one starve to death.  I feel sick today with grief, its making me physically ill. Feel like I could throw up. I wish I could just end my life and be done with, thats honestly how I feel, but I can't leave my other children.  Suicide just passes the pain to your loved ones.  I hope my dad and son know how much I miss them. Its killing me slowly. Im a shell of a person and grief and depression are killing me. I wont live t...

Jesse had Monday and Tuesday off school, but ive taken him in today. Its so hard to find the motivation to take him. Im always tired. It takes all ive got to not kill myself, so school isn't top of my priorities. It should be, but its not. Some days it takes all ive got in me to get out of bed. Am I in denial about my father and sons death? Is that what's wrong with me? Because im trying to work out how to help myself mentally, but i dont know what's wrong with me. I know they're dead and they're not coming back, but i just can't come to terms with it all. Ive never looked until last night at the multistory car park my son fell from. The 17th floor he fell from. Knocked me sick, felt like id been punched in the stomach. Im so sad inside.  I honestly dont know how you come back from all the tragedy ive been through.  Ive been writing this blog for over 5 years, and ive been depressed much longer than that. I started blogging when I had cancer in the hopes my blog...

My dad and son died knowing i loved them, so why can't I just come to terms with their deaths. Its killing me inside. I think about them both all throughout the day. Im not even exaggerating, they are on my mind all the time. Grief eats away at me when im awake, probably why I like being asleep. Its an escape from my own mind. I hate that i have no choice but to live this life ive got, when all I really want to do is die. Im so fucking depressed. All the medication im on and im still depressed.  Anyway, something less depressing, ive made a homemade lasagne for tea which is currently slow cooking ready for later. We're having tender stem broccoli and green beans and garlic bread with it.  Doesn't matter how depressed I might be, my kids will still eat.