Cancer, Depression and Me.

Dont Just exist, Live.  Im getting that tattooed next week because I am trying my damn hardest to live after losing my father and son. Some days are heavy, some days I carry it better.  I will always be grieving until the day I die and im reunited with my dad and son. I miss them both so much. It will be 6 years this November for my dad, 6 years of heartache. Not sure how ive made it this far if im honest. Its got to be my boys getting me through each day. I get my strength from them. How am I feeling today? Im ok. Ive got this. Well, im not ok, but I have to be for my boys. Wonder if ill still be alive this time next year? Its sad isn't it that im so morbidly depressed and dont see myself in the future. All I can do is what im doing. Taking each day, day by day. Ive got the holiday blues, them 6 days away went by so fast.. Im going my sisters today, shes going to wash and plait my hair for me. Can't remember the last time I washed it. Seriously thinking of going short because...

I didn't survive my dad and sons death, I died along with them. This is a new Ann-Louise, a sadder Ann-Louise. Im a deeper empath after their deaths. I tell people I love them so much more. Im more laid back, I dont care about things as much as I use to. I dont fear death, if anything I welcome it. Im trying my best to live this new life without my father and son, some days im doing ok and some days I drown in grief. Everyday im depressed. I think about my dad and son every single day. I hate taking all the medication im on, but I have no choice if I want to keep my head above water. I woke up this morning, brushed my teeth and then had bad anxiety about taking Jesse school, so I didn't wake him up. Hes got next week to do then he breaks up for the big holidays. He'll be going into year 6 in September. Last year of primary school, its crazy. Time goes so fast. I blink and life just passes me by. I dissociate alot. Im tired all the time. Im trying to find me in this new life...

I was asleep last night for about 8pm because we'd travelled through the night, id been up since 8am Monday morning. I was shattered, literally couldnt keep my eyes open. My alarm went off at 7am this morning and I just went back sleep. All that travelling has made me mega tired. Jesse can go back school tomorrow.  I was thinking to myself earlier that my brain is never quiet. Even when im not talking, im still talking to myself in my head. Its weird. Anyway, ive been the job centre with Jasper. Jensen took us, then we nipped Asda because I have no food in with being away for 6 days.  I have holiday blues today, just trying get through all the washing and im gutted them 6 days went by so fast. My mental health hasn't been too bad this past week, but of course being by a pool all inclusive can make you feel a bit better haha, but seriously though, ive been taking my medication correctly and im feeling ok. Apparently that Reta jab can take a week to get in your system so we'l...

Well we're back from our holiday, just in time for another heatwave. I miss being by the pool sunbathing, but I can't wait get into my own bed tonight. Ive got loads of washing to do, ive done one load, ill do another tomorrow and so on.. My feet and ankles are swollen, ive Googled it and its because of the hot weather apparently and should go down in a few days. Ive had a shower, got in clean pjs then went on a drive out to Crewe with Jensen to collect some trainers hes brought from JD sports. Yes it seems far away for trainers, but its the only store that had the colour he wants. Ive started the Reta weight loss jab, literally just haha, just done my first injection. Im praying it works for me and I lose some bloody weight. Olanzopine is to blame for my weight gain! Also, day 7 off the vape and im dying for a vape. If I can do 7 days, I can do more i guess. Anyway, going weigh myself and let's see if I can lose some weight. Of course ill keep you updated.

Having the best time on this holiday with 2 of my boys, tried my best to be happy, but ive just gone on Facebook and seen all Jay-Dees friends are in Ibiza, absolutely gutted because I know Jay-Dee should be there with them all. Breaks my heart. Just said to Jasper that its gutted me. Ill never understand why my son took his own life and it kills me everyday. I feel guilty for being on holiday when my son is dead, but ive got to carry on for my other boys. Life just keeps on going.  My father and son are dead and the world didn't stop even for a second. It just kept turning like nothing had happened. Its like my whole world stopped, but everyone else just carried on with their lives.  Feel like screaming, my father and son are dead!!  Just got to keep going haven't i.. We check out at 12pm tomorrow then got wait around till 00:25am to be picked up for the airport. Can't wait get home now. I miss Jensen and I miss my pets so much. Literally after I finished blogging, I saw...

Im so burnt, ive got blisters ontop of my burn. Been covered up since yesterday. Factor 50 clearly doesnt work. Jasper's started to get blisters too. Jesse's complaining that his shoulders are hurting him. Made him go in the pool today with a t shirt on to keep him covered. I just keep applying suncream to us all.  Day 4 no vape, I would give my right arm for a vape right about now haha. I can do this!!  Im missing Jensen, I need to get him a gift to take home. He always buys me a gift when ge goes on holiday.  I still think about my dad and Jay-Dee even though im on holiday. Grief doesnt go away. If only they were still here. I miss them both so much.  Bet Jay-Dee and my dad would of booked up for this holiday and come with us. We're booking up with Jensen when we get back for next year's holiday,  so that'll be nice. Grateful for my living children, but by god do I miss my son.