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August 24th Monday.

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Ive just taken my dog on a walk before this house consumes me. Needed to get out. Jesse came with me so I wasn't on my own. How am I feeling? I dont really know. I feel a bit numb to life. Ive still not showered, but ive walked my dog, so thats a start. I just feel so depressed all the time. I know it will do me good when im back doing the school run and nipping Asda for stuff for tea. I need to go get my medication at some point this week. Its Jensens birthday this weekend and im broke. Feel overwhelmed with life. I dont fit in anymore. Is my purpose just to be a mum? Why did my dad die of cancer? Why did my son kill himself? Its all that ever goes around in my head. Its draining. Im mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep my days away, im so tired. Proud of myself for taking my dog out though, its a step in the right direction. Just got to keep going, regardless of how im feeling. Have to keep telling myself that my boys need me. It keeps me going. Done some washing today and pe...
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August 23rd Sunday.

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Didn't shower yesterday like I said i was going to, I honestly dont know when I last showered. My hair is a mess, its desperate to be washed. Im in such a depressive state, im so low its unreal. The main thing is that im still alive. The goal is to live, im sure ill get the energy to shower at some point. Its killing me getting out of bed in the morning, I just dont want to face life. I saw a tiktok earlier that said "10 years on earth, is 1 hour in heaven. Ill see you in the morning". Oh how I hope that is true and my dad and son are waiting for me. Death can't come quick enough, im so desperate to see my father and son again. Im so heartbroken. My friend, Tom has asked if I want go out for food Tuesday, ive said yes, dont really want to go out, but I will. I know it will do me good. I feel so drained by life. I just want to sleep all the time. Jasper will be here soon, hes sleeping tonight. I always feel a bit better when my boys are with me. Jensen im hoping will b...
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August 22nd Saturday.

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Can't seem to snap myself out of how im feeling. Its been over a week now and i dont feel any better. I am so depressed. Didn't want to get up this morning, but Jesse wanted his breakfast and i needed to feed my animals. I desperately need to shower, but i just feel so drained. Ive got no energy do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. Ive got nothing inside of me, im so tired. Is the end coming? Ive given up on life, im trying so hard. Im finding no happiness in being alive. I know ive got to keep going for my boys, but I am so tired. Haven't even taken my morning medication yet, its 12.52pm. Need to force myself take them. Im going to force myself at some point today to get a shower and wash my hair. I can't keep living like this, this isn't living, this is surviving. 
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August 21st Friday.

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I dont think i could feel any lower than I feel. Ive got dressed and took Jasper to his job interview, which he got. I went to collect my glasses from Boots. Got some shower gels from pound land and the whole time I felt like I was dying. Ive got nothing in me, but I keep showing up. I have hit rock bottom and no one would know. I feel sick, can depression do that? Im empty inside. Haven't even got the energy to blog, so ill see you tomorrow. 
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August 20th Thursday.

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2 of my friends came to visit me today for a few hours. I was going to cancel, but I didn't. I needed to feel normal, even if it was only a few hours. I ended up having a breakdown and crying. I told them how depressed I am and how suicidal I feel. I was crying that badly that I could barely talk. I told them how bad my depression has been this past week and how much I want to end it all, but I couldnt bare to leave my children. I just got everything off my chest about how ive been feeling. They were so supportive and caring. I said about how ive thought about taking all my tablets one night before bed and not waking up, about how ive thought about hanging myself or jumping off the bridge in Hanley. I just got everything off my chest. I needed to tell someone about how bad im feeling. I literally broke my heart. I reassured them that I couldnt leave my kids. I couldnt bare my kids to feel the way I feel about losing a parent. I told my friends that I was already grieving my dad and...
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August 19th Wednesday.

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Felt so low for a while now and can't seem to snap out of it. Thought id blogged yesterday, but I must of forgot. I can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I know they're dead, so why can't I deal with it. What am I doing wrong? In 3 months it will be 6 years since I lost my dad. Ive been grieving for years and years, and then I lost my son. Its been over 2 years since he killed himself and I just can't come to terms with losing them both. I see other people who have lost people they love and they're still living their life. I feel like my life has stopped and everyone around me is living. I dont know what to do to make things better.  Ive forced myself to get dressed today and have a walk to Heron with Jesse to get some pop and snacks in. We did taxi back though. Was nice to get some fresh air. I was having a hot sweat at the till and the lady said shes been having them for 8 years. Couldn't be bothered to tell her ive been going th...
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August 17th Monday.

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As i sit here and think to myself, I can't do this anymore, I realise I have no choice. I am so depressed and suicidal. Im so fed up of feeling this way. I just dont see a way out other than death. I dont see a light at the end of this tunnel im stuck in. I dont see myself in the future. I just can't do this anymore. Im so tired of fighting for my life. Its draining me. Its 3.06pm, im still sat in my pjs. Ive hoovered around, ive polished my sons urn and my heart broke. Im really struggling with life. I just want to cry, but I hold it together for my kids. If only they knew how much I was struggling. I could just get into bed and sleep. Jensen asked me if I wanted go KFC drive through with him, ive said yes, but im going in my pjs. Ive got zero motivation to do anything, I have to force myself to do things.  Im broke, I have no money to do anything with its depressing. Life is just shit and ive had all I can take. I wish my boys would just let me go and be ok with it, but thats...
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