Cancer, Depression and Me.

Told my sister earlier that I wished I was dead. She said my children need their mum. I told her the only reason im alive is for them. If my last suicide attempt was successful, id of been dead over 5 years now. I truly believe that my dad sent me back. He knew my kids needed their mum. The death of my father and son has destroyed me. Grief is killing me off slowly. I think about them all through the day, im drained all the time. Ive got no will to live, im just surviving each day. I can't seem to snap out of how I feel. I can't find happiness. Jesse was in the bath earlier and I washed his hair, then I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't recognise the person looking back at me. Im a mess. I see my psychiatrist next week, its been months since ive last seen her. She's going to ask me how im feeling and im going to tell her, suicidal. Fed up of being alive and fighting for a life I dont want. Im riddled with anxiety, depression and grief, i ask myself how the fuck ...

I napped today, I never sleep in the day, but i felt so tired. The weather doesnt help, its been chucking it down all day and every now and then the sun pops out. Crazy weather. Was meant be getting my hair done tomorrow, but ive cancelled. I really haven't got the energy sit for hours getting my roots done. Ill get it done next week I think. Thankful that my mum is a hairdresser haha. Not sure how I feel today, im not happy and im not sad. I just feel blah. Not ecstatic to be alive, wouldnt mind dying, but thankful im not dead. Went the cafe this morning, honestly dont know why I go because I dont really contribute to any conversations, I just force myself to go and socialise. Ive got Jasper and Jesse sat with me now, Jensen is in Colombia on his holiday. Ive made chilli tacos for tea with grated cheese, guacamole and salsa sauce. Everyone in the house loves tacos. Considering I had a little sleep today im still mega tired. Can't wait get in bed. Miss my dad and son, but thats...

Im always going to feel sad, even when im happy. I was happy yesterday celebrating Jesse's birthday, but I also felt sad that his brother wasn't with us celebrating. Its so hard having all my boys together knowing one of them is in heaven. I tried my best yesterday to not show sadness. I genuinely smiled when we were out, but still felt sadness. I know its always going to be this way. Just looked at a photo of my dad on Facebook and my heart sank. I miss my dad and son so much it breaks my heart. Jensen has gone on holiday this morning, hes travelling to Colombia. A week without my son. If only Jay-Dee was just on holiday.. still can't believe its nearly 2 years without him, I honestly dont remember the last 2 years. Its like I blink and time passes me by. Its crazy. The strength I get from my children everyday amazes me. They really do keep me alive. Im tired today, didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but Jesse can't have anymore time off. He'll be havi...

Jesse-Johns 10th birthday. We woke up early so he could open his presents, he took bags of Haribos in school for all of his class, the little bags, you know what I mean. We've done his candles and cake after school. Damian booked bowling for us all. We've had the best day and evening. To top it off we're ordering milkshakes. Depression took a back seat today, its Jesse's birthday and ive tried my best to be happy for him. We were all at bowling, myself, Damian, Damians wife Louise, Jensen, Jasper, Mabel and Max. Was so nice being all together, but my heart sank a little not having Jay-Dee with us. Its hard all of us being together and missing a child. Bowling was so much fun, makes me feel a bit guilty having fun when one of my children are dead. He should still be here with us. I was telling Jensen in the car on the way there that its coming up to 2 years since Jay-Dee passed away and even he said how fast the time has gone. I told him I dont even remember the first ye...

Just got back from seeing a couple of my friends, they were on about people they've been with, well one was and the other was saying shes in a relationship and its all going well. Then there's me, no interest in being in a relationship. Ive come home feeling deflated. They were on about nights out and other stuff and the whole time I was sat there thinking, I just dont fit into this world anymore. I said im too fucked up to be with anyone and they didn't say a word, which spoke volumes to me. Ive just come home and told Jasper I dont see the point in me being alive, how I dont fit in anymore. He just said ill meet someone soon. Its not about meeting anyone, well it is a bit, but its more that I dont fit in. My friends did most of the talking, I just sat there with my fake smile on my face. My dad and my son are dead and now I dont know who I am or why im still alive. I honestly dont want to be here anymore. I feel so fed up. Im losing the will to live. I feel like giving up...

I dreamt i was pregnant last night and i called the baby Jay after Jay-Dee. Dreaming of being pregnant symbolises new beginnings and personal growth. Such a weird dream to have, but im open to new beginnings what ever that may be and personal growth. Anyway, its 12:25pm and ive just got back from Asda with Jesse. Hes picked a football birthday cake, we've brought candles and a birthday badge for him to wear for school. Hes so excited bless him. Just waiting for my Amazon delivery with the rest of his birthday gifts. Im making chilli tacos for tea. I feel ok today, not as good as I felt yesterday, but im ok. Didn't wake up till half 10 this morning and I really could of slept longer, but I have to get up to feed my dog and cat. I have to stay alive for my kids and animals, who else would look after them like I do? I have to remind myself that people need me alive and thats what keeps me going. My children need their mum. I know my dad will be looking after Jay-Dee for me until I...