Cancer, Depression and Me.

So fucking depressed. So fed up of waking up everyday. I know i should be thankful to wake up for my children, but when you suffer with depression its hard to find happiness in waking up. I ordered another canvas yesterday of Jay-Dee to go next to the big one I have in my living room that a few friends brought me. Up my stairs on one wall is covered in canvases. I just love having photos around me of my children. Keeps me going. Im absolutely gutted that my father and son are both dead. It kills me inside every single day. My dad's death destroyed me, that man was my best friend. To then lose a child, oh god, i can't even put into words how much thats destroyed me. My beautiful son gone forever. Nearly 2 years without my son. I could cry, scream, but that wont bring him or my dad back. Im trying to accept their deaths, but I can't. I dont know how to. I dont know how to carry on living. Im really struggling with being alive. I just want to end it all and be done with. Why i...

Don't think i can do this anymore. Im so fed up of being alive. Ive had enough of this groundhog day life. Don't know what I can do to change the way I feel. Losing my father and son has killed me inside. I wear a fake smile everyday, I try to make conversations with my friends and non of them know im dead inside. Im tired of pretending that im ok. I wish someone would take this pain away I feel inside every single day. Im tired of waking up, im tired of trying my best to live, when all I want to do is die. Im just so fucking tired. I hate everything about myself. Ive got nothing inside of me, I feel empty. I just want to end my life.. can't though because it would destroy my kids. Its cruel making me live. I wish my kids new how unhappy I was and say its ok for me to go because id be gone already. I can't keep living like this. Grief is consuming me. Im so depressed. Im so sad inside, but I wear a smile when im around people, its exhausting! Im mentally tired. Im surpr...

Told my sister earlier that I wished I was dead. She said my children need their mum. I told her the only reason im alive is for them. If my last suicide attempt was successful, id of been dead over 5 years now. I truly believe that my dad sent me back. He knew my kids needed their mum. The death of my father and son has destroyed me. Grief is killing me off slowly. I think about them all through the day, im drained all the time. Ive got no will to live, im just surviving each day. I can't seem to snap out of how I feel. I can't find happiness. Jesse was in the bath earlier and I washed his hair, then I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't recognise the person looking back at me. Im a mess. I see my psychiatrist next week, its been months since ive last seen her. She's going to ask me how im feeling and im going to tell her, suicidal. Fed up of being alive and fighting for a life I dont want. Im riddled with anxiety, depression and grief, i ask myself how the fuck ...

I napped today, I never sleep in the day, but i felt so tired. The weather doesnt help, its been chucking it down all day and every now and then the sun pops out. Crazy weather. Was meant be getting my hair done tomorrow, but ive cancelled. I really haven't got the energy sit for hours getting my roots done. Ill get it done next week I think. Thankful that my mum is a hairdresser haha. Not sure how I feel today, im not happy and im not sad. I just feel blah. Not ecstatic to be alive, wouldnt mind dying, but thankful im not dead. Went the cafe this morning, honestly dont know why I go because I dont really contribute to any conversations, I just force myself to go and socialise. Ive got Jasper and Jesse sat with me now, Jensen is in Colombia on his holiday. Ive made chilli tacos for tea with grated cheese, guacamole and salsa sauce. Everyone in the house loves tacos. Considering I had a little sleep today im still mega tired. Can't wait get in bed. Miss my dad and son, but thats...

Im always going to feel sad, even when im happy. I was happy yesterday celebrating Jesse's birthday, but I also felt sad that his brother wasn't with us celebrating. Its so hard having all my boys together knowing one of them is in heaven. I tried my best yesterday to not show sadness. I genuinely smiled when we were out, but still felt sadness. I know its always going to be this way. Just looked at a photo of my dad on Facebook and my heart sank. I miss my dad and son so much it breaks my heart. Jensen has gone on holiday this morning, hes travelling to Colombia. A week without my son. If only Jay-Dee was just on holiday.. still can't believe its nearly 2 years without him, I honestly dont remember the last 2 years. Its like I blink and time passes me by. Its crazy. The strength I get from my children everyday amazes me. They really do keep me alive. Im tired today, didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but Jesse can't have anymore time off. He'll be havi...

Jesse-Johns 10th birthday. We woke up early so he could open his presents, he took bags of Haribos in school for all of his class, the little bags, you know what I mean. We've done his candles and cake after school. Damian booked bowling for us all. We've had the best day and evening. To top it off we're ordering milkshakes. Depression took a back seat today, its Jesse's birthday and ive tried my best to be happy for him. We were all at bowling, myself, Damian, Damians wife Louise, Jensen, Jasper, Mabel and Max. Was so nice being all together, but my heart sank a little not having Jay-Dee with us. Its hard all of us being together and missing a child. Bowling was so much fun, makes me feel a bit guilty having fun when one of my children are dead. He should still be here with us. I was telling Jensen in the car on the way there that its coming up to 2 years since Jay-Dee passed away and even he said how fast the time has gone. I told him I dont even remember the first ye...