Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jasper is 18 today. Feel like ive blinked and hes 18. Crazy. I brought him a chocolate cake, but apparently hes never like chocolate cake haha, so went out and brought a normal cake with jam in. Hes happy now.  Hes going Liverpool tomorrow night for a night out and staying over night. Im absolutely dreading it because Jay-Dee went Liverpool for a night out and died there. Jensen is going too with them all and hes sensible, so im hoping they all have a good night. Im going be worried all night until they get back home. After losing a child I worry more about losing another child. My boys are suffering with their mental health since Jay-Dee died, so it worries me. Didn't go the cafe this morning, couldnt be bothered to wear my smile. Ive done some cleaning today and washing and thats about it. Mental health is shit, sick of feeling the way I feel. Feel like there's no way out other than death. That's how shit depression is. Anyway, enjoy your Friday what ever youre doing.

Was thinking about writing a suicide note to my boys, just incase depression gets the better of my one day. I'd hate to just die and them not knowing how much I loved them. I mean, I tell them everyday that I love them, and the last thing I want to do is kill myself, but what if it all gets too much one day and I just end it all? I fight everyday to live just for my boys. The only reason  im here is because of them. Im so tired all the time, all I ever want to do is go to bed and sleep. If I didn't have Jesse that needed me to do things, I think id just lie in bed all the time and die there.  Jasper is 18 tomorrow, so ive just blown balloons up and put banners up ready for when hes back from Berlin. Ive been and brought him a cake with candles, I might be depressed, but I still show up for my boys and ill keep showing up until my body gives up. I dont want to die, but I dont want to keep living like this. Im so depressed. Its been raining non stop today, got soaked on the scho...

Saw a tiktok that said "we're not home, we're just experiencing this life. We go home when we die". Really made me think. My dad and son are home, their journey on earth came to an end and they're back home. Gives me some comfort hearing that. We're a soul borrowing a body whilst we experience life on earth. I can't wait to go home to my dad and son. Some times I feel like I was meant to see certain tiktoks about death. I dunno, some times I think i may be losing my mind at the same time.  The drs have rang me today, they've finally received my prescription from my psychiatrist. Only took a couple of weeks.. let's hope the new medication along with what im already on makes me feel a bit better.  Just brought the Michael Jackson movie on Paramount+ for £20. Saw it at the cinema and had to buy it. Going watch it later with Jesse-John.  One more night then my boys are home from Berlin. Can't wait to see them both.  Stayed longer at the cafe this m...

Ive just showered and washed my hair!! So proud of myself. I know its something that should be done nearly everyday, but depression ruins you. I get that low that a shower doesnt even cross my mind. Feel like im winning today after my shower. Jesse is in school, I went the cafe see my friends. I sat there and tried to join in with conversations, but I just wanted to go home. I just felt like I didn't fit in. They were all smiling and happy and then there was me, sat watching the rain fall. I am trying, but im struggling. Jensen and Jasper arrived in Berlin a few hours ago. Hope they have the best time on their little holiday. My holiday is fast approaching and im dreading it. Honestly wish id never of booked it. What was I thinking? I was thinking id be in a better place mentally, but im not. Anyway, so proud of myself for showering and washing my hair. You know how much I hate washing my hair..  Ive done a load of washing thats now in the dryer, ill fold it all when its dry. Its j...

Went the cinema this morning with Jensen and Jasper to watch Backrooms. We went the Vue. I absolutely love doing things with my boys and im so lucky that they still want to do things with me as they get older. I feel so blessed, but sad at the same time. Grief is horrible. Even when I smile, I still feel sadness inside. Sad that my dad and son arent here anymore to do things with. Jensen and Jasper go Berlin with Damian at 3am, so it'll just be me and Jesse-John for a few nights. Going be weird not having Jensen and Jasper here. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, I still expect him to come walking through the front door after work. I miss my son so much, I miss my dad. That man was my best friend. We did everything together. Ever likely I feel so lost.  Im so thankful that I make it through each day, some days are harder than others to get through, but everyday I dont give up. Even on my hard days, I fight like hell to stay alive, which is hard when you have suicidal thoughts all th...

My friend didn't end up coming mine, instead a few of us met at hers for a cuppa tea, well 2 cups of tea and a catch up. I was so depressed this morning, really wasn't feeling life, but i feel better now ive been see a few of my friends. Before I went out another friend of mine knocked on the door with a bunch of sunflowers she'd brought me to cheer me up. I really do have the best of friends. Im so grateful.  We were talking about something and Jay-Dee came into the conversation, I felt like I couldnt talk properly with a lump in my throat. Had to hold back the tears and one of my friends asked if I was ok. Of course I said yes, but deep down I wasn't ok. Found it hard to talk about him, I said I still wait for him to walk through the door. I can't comprehend the fact that hes gone forever.  I say it all the time, but I miss my dad and son so much. Its killing me. Anyway, here's a pic of my sunflowers to brighten up your day.