Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jesse-Johns 10th birthday. We woke up early so he could open his presents, he took bags of Haribos in school for all of his class, the little bags, you know what I mean. We've done his candles and cake after school. Damian booked bowling for us all. We've had the best day and evening. To top it off we're ordering milkshakes. Depression took a back seat today, its Jesse's birthday and ive tried my best to be happy for him. We were all at bowling, myself, Damian, Damians wife Louise, Jensen, Jasper, Mabel and Max. Was so nice being all together, but my heart sank a little not having Jay-Dee with us. Its hard all of us being together and missing a child. Bowling was so much fun, makes me feel a bit guilty having fun when one of my children are dead. He should still be here with us. I was telling Jensen in the car on the way there that its coming up to 2 years since Jay-Dee passed away and even he said how fast the time has gone. I told him I dont even remember the first ye...

Just got back from seeing a couple of my friends, they were on about people they've been with, well one was and the other was saying shes in a relationship and its all going well. Then there's me, no interest in being in a relationship. Ive come home feeling deflated. They were on about nights out and other stuff and the whole time I was sat there thinking, I just dont fit into this world anymore. I said im too fucked up to be with anyone and they didn't say a word, which spoke volumes to me. Ive just come home and told Jasper I dont see the point in me being alive, how I dont fit in anymore. He just said ill meet someone soon. Its not about meeting anyone, well it is a bit, but its more that I dont fit in. My friends did most of the talking, I just sat there with my fake smile on my face. My dad and my son are dead and now I dont know who I am or why im still alive. I honestly dont want to be here anymore. I feel so fed up. Im losing the will to live. I feel like giving up...

I dreamt i was pregnant last night and i called the baby Jay after Jay-Dee. Dreaming of being pregnant symbolises new beginnings and personal growth. Such a weird dream to have, but im open to new beginnings what ever that may be and personal growth. Anyway, its 12:25pm and ive just got back from Asda with Jesse. Hes picked a football birthday cake, we've brought candles and a birthday badge for him to wear for school. Hes so excited bless him. Just waiting for my Amazon delivery with the rest of his birthday gifts. Im making chilli tacos for tea. I feel ok today, not as good as I felt yesterday, but im ok. Didn't wake up till half 10 this morning and I really could of slept longer, but I have to get up to feed my dog and cat. I have to stay alive for my kids and animals, who else would look after them like I do? I have to remind myself that people need me alive and thats what keeps me going. My children need their mum. I know my dad will be looking after Jay-Dee for me until I...

Just ordered Jesse some shorts and t shirt sets for his birthday with some other bits. Still can't believe hes turning 10 on Monday. Hes going have to go bed early Sunday so I can do his banners and balloons. Im so excited for him. I was up at 6:20am this morning before my alarm went off. Ive showered today to wash my tan off and ive even washed my hair!! Feel so much better today, thank God. My brother has been to drop me a crate of pop off, ive done some washing thats currently in the dryer. Ill fold it all when its dry. Feel so much better today, of course im still sad that my dad and son are no longer here, but im feeling better. Ive just said to myself, I forgive you Jay-Dee for taking your own life. That's a massive thing to do. Of course i forgive him, hes my baby boy, it just doesnt make things any easier. Going to force myself to see my friends at some point over the weekend too. Even on my better days I carry a sadness within me. Im so thankful for these better days I...

Been to my attendance meeting today about Jesse's poor attendance. 82% hes on, i didn't think that was too bad, but its meant to be above 90%. Oh well, some days I just dont want to leave the house and thats what i told her. Not felt too bad today, but ive had Jasper here all day as he stayed over last night. I always feel better when I have my boys with me, thats why it breaks my heart that one of my children are dead. Doesn't even sound right writing that. One of my children are gone forever, its crazy. Just feel like im living a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Anyway, ive just done a tan on my face, hands and feet to see if having a bit of a tan will make me feel better, but now ive got to wake up in the morning extra early and shower. Instantly regretting it. Sick of feeling like shit all the time. Im carrying grief better today. Went the cafe see my friends, joined in with conversations. 2 of them asked if I wanted go shopping with them, i had to decline as im...

Can someone please tell me how to find happiness again? Im so sad. My father and son are on my mind all day, everyday. I think about their deaths and how much its destroyed my life. Im thinking of dying my hair dark, im fed up of having roots. My hair looks a mess and im sick of it. Its adding to my depression. Ive put 2 hair dyes in my Amazon basket for when ive got some money and im going brown. Its time for a change. Ive had a shit day today mentally speaking. Went the cafe to see a few friends, told one of them that my mental health is bad and she said she knows. It must be because I dont talk much, I wouldnt bother going, but I have to force myself to socialise so I dont get even more depressed. Im so fed up of doing this life, but I just can't give up. I have to show up for my kids. I dont see the point in me being alive, im sad all the time and im sick of it. Sick and tired of grieving and i know its a forever thing. I can't live like this forever. I told my friends this...