Cancer, Depression and Me.

Woke up crying through the night, my dad came to me in my dreams and hugged me. We wrapped our arms around each other and it felt so real, and then I woke up and it hit me that hes dead. Absolutely heartbroken. I had a visitation and it broke my heart. I miss my dad so much. I wish my son would visit me in my dreams and hug me. I miss them both so much, its killing me. Its going to be one of those days today where my dad and son are constantly on my mind. Its been like this the past few days. I feel so low. There's nothing more id love than to end my life and be reunited with them both again, but I know my living children need me. I need to do something today to get me out of my own head. I need to occupy my mind. Might get ready and take Jesse the park for an hour, or take the dog for a walk. Anything really. Wish I could just lie in bed and be done with life.

Had a low day today. Made a few tiktoks about Jay-Dee, then I found myself scrolling through tiktoks ive made of Jay-Dee and my dad and its made me feel even worse. Im so sad inside and ive got to live the rest of my life feeling this way. Its horrible. I feel empty inside. Losing my dad and son has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and ive had cancer. Death has destroyed me inside. I walk around smiling at people and all I really want to do is lie in my bed and cry. Im a mother to 3 other boys so I have no choice but to carry on. Im trying my best to live, but im not living, im just surviving. My head is literally above water. My body is submerged. Dont know how im meant to live the rest of my life feeling the way I do. Jensen took me the barbers earlier so him and Jesse could get a hair cut and i looked at myself in the mirror and hated what was looking back at me. Im just not happy about being alive. I wish I loved me, but I dont. How am I meant to keep living like ...

Some days life is unbearable, but we have to carry on. Grief is heavy today. I miss my son and dad so much, i can't describe how I feel. Until you lose someone you love, you wont understand the pain I feel inside.  Regardless of how i feel, I still have to be a mum. Jasper had a job centre appointment today, so I got up early and went with him as he didn't want to go on his own. Hes 18 and still needs his mum. This is why I can't go yet, my boys still need me. We went Asda get some pop and stuff to make tacos for the boys tea. Im going my mates for tea with another friend so that'll be nice. Ive scrubbed my bathroom and both toilets and thats my day. Im just eating some toast and im sat with Jasper. Not had toast in ages, forgot how nice it is haha. 25th of September im going kings Hall with about 8 of my friends to watch a Michael Jackson show. Given me something to look forward to.  Anyway, thats my day. Jesse is going at 5pm to go cinema with Damian and ill be meetin...

Thinking about my dad and son alot today, probably because im not keeping myself busy. Its shit how you have to try and stay busy, so you dont have time to think about things. Its still hard to believe that my son and dad are both in my house in wooden boxes. Its just not how life was meant to be, but here we are. I go bed, I sit staring at my dad on my draws, I get up and sit staring at my son on the fire. I do get comfort though knowing they're both safe with me. I couldnt imagine having to scatter them or give them to someone else. They're at home with me and they'll always be with me until I die. My house was like dad's home, he was here everyday. Its only right that his resting place is here. Jay-Dee, what can I say, this was his home. I never thought Jay-Dee would leave home, I thought hed be the one that would stay with his mum and now he will be. Its so sad. Miss them both so much, it hurts my heart. Im going to have days like this, I know that now. 

Didn't realise ive not blogged for a few days. Im still alive.  I absolutely love having Jesse with me all the time, but on a Sunday when he spends the day with Damian i absolutely love having a few hours of me time. Yesterday I went meet up with my sister and brother whilst Jesse was with Damian and I loved just been able to think about myself, even if it is only a few hours. I needed it. Today we're having a pj day. Jesse is on his vr, we've got songs playing on YouTube on the tv and im watching a movie on my tablet. Jasper's asleep on the settee because he went watch the new Spiderman at half 11 last night. Damian has booked Spiderman for Wednesday night for him and Jesse. He wanted me take him, but its on for 2 hours and 25 minutes and im not a lover of Marvel movies so I really didn't want to go. Life saver Damian is haha. Myself, Jasper and Jesse are booked into the opticians next Monday. My eye sight is shit, can't see stuff up close or far away so ill pr...

Been awake since half 4 this morning, dont know why I woke up that early. Ive showered today and washed my hair. Doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is. Needed to shave my legs, but that can be for another day. Feel a bit blah today, not ecstatic about being alive, but then again I never am. Ive stripped my bedding and its now drying outside on the washing line. Smells lovely. Can't wait get into fresh bedding, its the best feeling. Not really got alot to say today. I know ill be in bed early tonight, its 1pm and im already done with the day. Might take Jesse the cinema tomorrow, he wants to watch the new Spiderman thats come out. Yeh I think i will.