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February 4th Wednesday.

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This April, I will be 5 years cancer free and if my next internal looks good, ill be discharged from the hospital. I have a big scar going down my stomach where I had 22 metal staples in. Ive been through so much, yet im still standing. I amaze myself if im honest. I was so tired yesterday, tried to nap, but couldnt fall asleep. I just felt so drained all day. Don't know why. Just put a joint of gammon in my slow cooker to have with chips and gravy for tea. Oh I didn't tell you, the school rang me after school yesterday to tell me Jesse has been hit in the eye with a child's water bottle. I was fuming!! Jesse apparently was lying on the floor crying. I said to the school which ever way you look at this situation, its assault! I said i dont touch my kids so ill be damned if someone else is going to hurt my child. His eye is red and swollen underneath. If it was a tiny bit higher it would of been his eye ball. Honestly, i felt so sorry for him. He was so upset when he come in...
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February 3rd Tuesday.

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Im so tired, but its the kind of tired that sleep can't fix. Im drained from fighting for my life everyday. Killed me getting Jesse up for school, but hes gone. Im meeting Natalie Monday for a coffee. Im hoping we hit it off. We've been talking now for about 5 weeks, so its time we met. Im so nervous. Ive been on my own that long, I forgotten what its like dating. Im hoping shes the one. But anyway, im tired. Life drains me. Its got to be because im depressed and grieving. Will I be grieving forever? Is this my life now? My sister has been split up with her ex for 7 months and shes already met someone and seems happy. Why am I struggling to move on. Its like im scared of meeting someone new. Don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, ive been smoking weed for years and years, ive never mentioned it before. Feel like I replaced alcohol with weed, so Sunday night I decided to smoke what I had left and call it a day. Long story short, im on day 2 with no weed. Hoping I can s...
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February 2nd Monday.

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Didn't take Jesse school, was up through the night with acid on my throat, sulphur burps and diarrhoea. Had a Chinese last night and it must of lay too heavy on my stomach. No more Chinese for me, clearly didn't sit well inside. Jensen took me Asda to get stuff to make a chilli for tea. Been speaking to Natalie still, its going ok. Jesses in bed and i won't be far behind. Had a sad moment, missing my dad and son. I try not stay sad for too long, I have to try and snap myself out of it. Meeting my sister up Hanley in the morning for a coffee and a catch up, which will be nice. Still got some money left on my Primark gift card I had for my birthday, so ill probably end up with more new pjs haha. Oh you can tell im getting old. Been tired all day today, but that'll be because I slept shit last night!. Jensen has been looking for apartments in Manchester, hes getting ready to leave home. Im going to miss him so much. Hate my children growing up, makes me sad that they won...
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January 31st Saturday.

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Jasper's just had his braces fitted. He just smiled at me and I saw Jay-Dee. He looks so much like him. Miss Jay-Dee and my dad so much. It hurts my heart that they're no longer here with me. Im sad today. January is finally over. Thank god. Spring is around the corner. Im 4 years and 1 month sober. Thank you Jesus. I pray for strength and ive made it through the first month of the year. I can do this. Im stronger than I think. Today's just a bad day. Tomorrow could be better and thats what im living for. The 'better days'. Im healing and its going to take some time, I need to stop being so hard on myself. Im drowning in grief, but somehow manage to stay afloat. I get my strength from my children and with the power of prayer. Thank god I have my faith to keep me sane. First thing I do now when im feeling down is pray. You might think im crazy and I probably am, but prayer helps me and thats the main thing. Anyway, going back to Jasper. Hes just had his braces fitted...
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January 30th Friday.

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So, i unblocked Natalie this morning. She's sorry, blah blah blah. Don't know what do about the situation. On one hand, I like the girl, but to speak to me like im shit isn't sitting well with me. Ive told her shes a red flag haha. Seriously though, what do I do? After speaking for a month, shes told me she loves me.. if thats not ringing alarm bells then nothing will ha. Ill just see what happens. Anyway, Jasper told me last night that hes depressed. So glad hes told me and felt comfortable enough to talk to me. Hes not been right since Jay-Dee passed away. Im ringing the doctors Monday morning to get an appointment. Im not about to lose another child thats for sure. Went the cafe this morning see my friends. My brother came earlier, so today hasn't been too bad mentally speaking. I mean, im sad as shit inside, but im coping better. I want to come off my Olanzopine, i dont feel a thing being on it. Im numb to life. Im scared to come off it because of how bad mentally I...
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January 29th Thursday.

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Had to block that girl ive been chatting to last night. Everything was fine. She said she was out having a drink, I thought fair enough, shes not drinking with me so I dont mind. But then she started speaking to me horrible, she was swearing at me. I said who do you think youre talking to and she said 'you' with an exclamation mark. If thats how she can speak to me a month into chatting, then can you imagine further on along the line. Ive worked too damn hard for the peaceful life I have now. No way is someone going speak to me like that. I blocked her on wattsapp and Facebook, then she blew my phone up with messages, so had to block her number too. Not going lie, im gutted, but im sorry im not being spoken to like im something on the bottom of your shoe. So anyway, thats the end of that. I give up. Maybe im just better off on my own. Haven't gone the cafe this morning, just wasn't feeling it. Im currently using stain remover on Jesses favourite blanket because he had a...
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January 27th Tuesday.

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My dad and Jay-Dee are heavy on my heart today. Why is life so god damn cruel. I miss them both so much it really hurts. How will it be 2 years in June for Jay-Dee and 6 years November for my dad? Ive been mentally unwell for such a long time. My mental health goes way back to my teenage years, but when my dad died, something in me died that day too. Been struggling since. God I miss them. Why my son? My first born beautiful baby. 21 is no age to die. My dad was 55. Its just devastating. Going go see my mate later when shes finished work because I need to snap out of this dark mood im in. Jensen told me earlier before he went work, that he'll be getting an apartment in Manchester by the end of this year with his gf who currently lives in the USA. Feel a bit gutted that he'll be moving to Manchester. Ill hardly see him. Made me feel a bit low. Only want the best for him, but god I will miss him. Im writing today off as a shit day!
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