Cancer, Depression and Me.

"I hope I live, before I die" This isn't living, im in survival mode. Everyday is a battle with my own mind. Wanting to die, but also wanting to live for my living children. Ive been dealt a really shit hand in life. Its been death after death after death. Ive lost so many people within the last 6 years. So many friends gone forever. My father and my son gone forever. What did I do so wrong to deserve all of this? I must of been really bad in a past life.. Apparently you keep coming back until youve learnt your lessons in life, i think this may be my last time on earth because by God have I learnt alot. I say it everyday, but I miss my dad and my son so much. Living without them is killing me slowly. The heartache I feel everyday is horrible. What id give to have just one more day with them both. Life is cruel.. If I hadnt got Jesse to look after and animals to feed, I swear id just rot in bed. I wouldnt bother with life.  The ONLY reason im still here, is because my kids...

Yesterday I accidentally scared my cat and hes not been right since. Hes been howling and hissing at us. Im scared to be in my own home. Ive never been so scared of anything in my life as I am at the moment with my cat. Will he go back to normal? Because im scared. His back goes up and hes howling and hissing. So scary. Ive had Jesse burning up through the night and ive slept with my dog in my arms so my cat doesnt attack her. Im walking around my house with a spray water bottle to spray the cat with if he starts howling at hissing at me. Bad times! Two of the boys friends have knocked on this morning with a bunch of roses for me. How lovely of them, really cheered me up. Jay-Dees birthday really knocked me on my bum, I slept the whole day away. I was so down and depressed. Damian said he spent the day in bed too. It was a hard day to get through.  Feel a bit better today. Still sad, but im ok. I think my brother is coming today for a few hours, was meant be going my sisters with t...

9.05am, I feel like im filled with sadness this morning. My first born son should be turning 24 today. I miss him so much, my heart hurts. I feel so deflated, i could cry. I decided not go school today, I was in two minds as to whether I should go or not and I decided to stay at home. Really not in the mood for small talk today. Just going to spend the day alone thinking of my son. I got to be his mum for 21 years and for that i am so grateful. God had other plans for him. His time on earth was over and now he is my angel in the stars. The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars, lyrics from his funeral song.  I know his soul is still with me along with my dad's. Im heartbroken. They both had so much more life to live.  Im so tired today, feel like ive not slept, im so drained. After Jesse finishes school we're going the crem to put flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed.  Jesse starts Fusion tonight at school so need be back for 5pm. Fusion is a club at school for year 6 pupils. Lik...

Feel so heartbroken, been to buy my son in heaven a birthday cake. Absolutely breaks my heart. He should be turning 24 tomorrow and hes not here. I just want to scream out loud. Hope hes safe with my dad. I pray they're together in heaven. I wont be doing the school run in the morning, Jesse will take himself. He does every morning and then I go the cafe see my friends. I just know i wont feel like seeing my friend's tomorrow. Its going to be a hard day. Jensen will take me to buy flowers and we'll go the crem after school so Jesse can come too. My baby boys birthday and hes not here to celebrate with us. Honestly, im heartbroken.  I feel like I can't go on, I dont want to keep living without my father and son. Its painful. My heart feels heavy in my chest.  Birthdays, death day, Christmas, they all break my heart that my dad and son are no longer here. I dont want to celebrate these days, I just want to lie in bed and sleep the days away. Jensen wanted me go the dentis...

I feel so blessed that my older boys still want to do things with me as they get older. We've been to the Vue today to watch Resident Evil. Just feel blessed. Really good movie by the way. Went Asda just on the way home and I brought some egg custards, made me think about my dad. When he couldnt swallow his food because of the Esophageal cancer, he would eat the filling out of them because it was easier to swallow. I miss my dad. Jay-Dees birthday on Wednesday and I already feel low thinking about it. Myself and his brothers will take flowers the crem. I'll buy him a birthday cake tomorrow and we'll celebrate his birthday, even though we'll all be sad. He should be turning 24. My heart aches. His best mate Brad, who's birthday was yesterday went to Budapest and it made me so sad because Jay-Dee would of been there with him. I could cry. Brought stuff to make a chilli for tea, Jay-Dees favourite meal :(  I miss my dad and son so much.   

Jay-Dees best mates birthday today, seen him make a birthday tiktok loving life and it just made my heart sink knowing my son isn't here anymore. Jay-Dee will be 24 on Wednesday. We'll be going to his flower bed at the crem to lay flowers, ill buy him a cake, like I always do and it'll be a sad day for me. Everyday is a sad day, but birthdays are hard. He should be here celebrating with his mates, because brads birthday is today and Jay-Dees is on Wednesday they'd always have joint birthday celebrations with all their mates. Life is so cruel. I miss my baby so much. I feel so sad today, Brad's birthday has triggered my grief today.  My heart feels heavy with sadness. You can feel ok one minute and then the slightest thing can trigger grief.  God i miss my dad and son so much.