Cancer, Depression and Me.

Spent the whole day thinking about my father and son and how much i miss them both, looking at photos and videos of the both of them. Im so heartbroken. My dad was my best friend and my son was my protector.  They say death changes you as a person, to lose two people you love really has changed me. Ive become quiet, an introvert you could say. I keep myself to myself. I have sober friends now, im a Christian. I pray for strength everyday. I listen to music lyrics, like, I hear what they're saying. I say i love you to my friends and family every single day. Im the most depressed ive ever been in my life.  Death didn't just change me, it flipped my world upside down. Im a broken woman learning to live this life like its my first time on earth. Everything feels new to me, I get scared of going to the shop on my own, death gave me anxiety amongst everything else. Im never going to feel peace until im dead. Until im reunited with me father and son. My world is dark, everything feel...

Just sitting on my settee scrolling through tiktok and I just had a thought about hanging myself from my loft.. why is my brain like this? I just envisioned myself hanging from my loft. I thought to myself, ive got step ladders to get up there to tie a noose. The medication im on is stopping me from doing it, thank god, but the thought is still there.  Im just not happy being alive. I dont tell anyone about my suicidal ideation, I just blog about it. My kids are the reason I dont act on my thoughts, but what if one day I do? Im tired of being strong. I know one day ill just end it all and be done with life. I just haven't chose what day yet.. Luckily my brother is coming to visit me for a few hours so that'll keep my mind occupied.  Jesse has got his own cash card now and myself and Damian have sent him money, so ive just added it to his ps5 so he can buy things for himself. Hes growing up too fast.  One day my kids wont need me and thats when ill go.

Skip got delivered this morning and then I went my mums to have a few hours with her and my sister because she went too. I can only stomach my mum for a couple of hours, so I came home after id been there 2 hours. I love my mum, but shes too strict with the kids. I can't stand it because im so laid back with my kids. I discipline my kids when needed, but they dont have to ask to have a drink or a snack like they do at my mums. We parent differently. That's ok though, 2 hours is plenty of time to be with her haha. I came home and started filling the skip with Jesse, but its that hot outside weve come In doors. Ill finish it off tomorrow. Ive had a nice cool shower and got into my pjs. Can't remember the last time I showered, how bad is that? I spend most of my days just trying to get through the day without killing myself, so a shower isn't my priority unfortunately. I was quiet at mums, didn't really have alot to say. Pointless going really, but Jesse had a good tim...

Had an engineer here not long ago from Virgin because my new router wouldnt work, weve had to have another new router and it finally works after 2 days of no Internet and tv.. Anyway, he said are you Tabs daughter? I must look like my dad which made me smile, but he was telling me he had cancer and is now in remission and my heart felt heavy thinking that cancer killed my dad. Its hard seeing dad's friends still alive and my dad isn't. Made me feel so sad. My dad was only 55 when he died. Sigh. I think about my dad and son every single day, not an hour goes by where I dont think about them both. Life is bloody hard I tell you. Ive done nothing today because the engineer was coming 1-4 so been stuck in all day, but im happy weve finally got Internet and tv again. Going cook some smash burgers in a min for tea and thats it. Got a skip coming tomorrow so we can get ontop of the waste in the garden and in the house. Jensens already got 2 bin bags full of rubbish ready for the skip ...

Been out on a drive to Leek today so Jensen could collect something for his computer desk. Was a lovely drive whilst the sun was shining. I thought I was doing ok today, then we were driving back from Hanley and we came to a bridge and the first thing I thought about was jumping off it. Good job I was in a car. That's how my brain works, even on a better day, I still think about killing myself. Why is that? I dont know. We've got no Internet because the new router isn't working and the old router died so got an engineer coming out tomorrow to fix it for us. Its only 6.12pm and I already want to go bed. Think I was in bed last night watching tv at 7pm. Must of been asleep before 10pm easily. Told you before, sleep is an escape from my reality. If im sleeping, im not over thinking, plus there's a small chance I get to see my dad and son when im asleep. I dont go sleep when I get in bed, I just relax and watch some tv. Usually my tablet with something on Prime or Netflix. ...

Today myself and Jasper have been to get our eyes tested. Ive got to have some sort of verifocles so I can see far away and up close or I would of had to have 2 pairs of glasses. Jasper's eyes are perfect which is good.  Jesse is at Trentham Gardens with Damian, Louise, Mabel and Max having a picnic in this lovely weather. He was meant to have his eyes tested, but he loves his days with Damian. It guts me that at some point in his life ive got to tell him that Damian isn't his bio father. Damian is the one who buys things he needs, gives him pocket money every month. He takes him out every Sunday without fail. That's a father! I think ill wait till hes in high school to tell him. It wont change anything, he will still class Damian as his father. Jasper and I went KFC after we'd been Boots to get our eyes done. Ive come back, got in my pjs and pigged out on chicken. Bloody lovely. Ill never be thin. I was taking the Reta jab, but it just stopped working. Dont think im me...