Cancer, Depression and Me.

Feel so heartbroken, been to buy my son in heaven a birthday cake. Absolutely breaks my heart. He should be turning 24 tomorrow and hes not here. I just want to scream out loud. Hope hes safe with my dad. I pray they're together in heaven. I wont be doing the school run in the morning, Jesse will take himself. He does every morning and then I go the cafe see my friends. I just know i wont feel like seeing my friend's tomorrow. Its going to be a hard day. Jensen will take me to buy flowers and we'll go the crem after school so Jesse can come too. My baby boys birthday and hes not here to celebrate with us. Honestly, im heartbroken.  I feel like I can't go on, I dont want to keep living without my father and son. Its painful. My heart feels heavy in my chest.  Birthdays, death day, Christmas, they all break my heart that my dad and son are no longer here. I dont want to celebrate these days, I just want to lie in bed and sleep the days away. Jensen wanted me go the dentis...

I feel so blessed that my older boys still want to do things with me as they get older. We've been to the Vue today to watch Resident Evil. Just feel blessed. Really good movie by the way. Went Asda just on the way home and I brought some egg custards, made me think about my dad. When he couldnt swallow his food because of the Esophageal cancer, he would eat the filling out of them because it was easier to swallow. I miss my dad. Jay-Dees birthday on Wednesday and I already feel low thinking about it. Myself and his brothers will take flowers the crem. I'll buy him a birthday cake tomorrow and we'll celebrate his birthday, even though we'll all be sad. He should be turning 24. My heart aches. His best mate Brad, who's birthday was yesterday went to Budapest and it made me so sad because Jay-Dee would of been there with him. I could cry. Brought stuff to make a chilli for tea, Jay-Dees favourite meal :(  I miss my dad and son so much.   

Jay-Dees best mates birthday today, seen him make a birthday tiktok loving life and it just made my heart sink knowing my son isn't here anymore. Jay-Dee will be 24 on Wednesday. We'll be going to his flower bed at the crem to lay flowers, ill buy him a cake, like I always do and it'll be a sad day for me. Everyday is a sad day, but birthdays are hard. He should be here celebrating with his mates, because brads birthday is today and Jay-Dees is on Wednesday they'd always have joint birthday celebrations with all their mates. Life is so cruel. I miss my baby so much. I feel so sad today, Brad's birthday has triggered my grief today.  My heart feels heavy with sadness. You can feel ok one minute and then the slightest thing can trigger grief.  God i miss my dad and son so much.

Ended up going out last night and so glad I did, had a lovely night. Michael Jackson tribute show was brilliant. Didn't get home till about 11pm ish and had to take my night time meds that I usually take at 6pm. Was wide awake till 1am ish and i feel like shit today. Im usually in bed for 9pm and asleep by 10pm, so im tired today. Not use to having a late night, was worth it though and I dont do it very often. A couple of my mates were drinking and I watched how they went from being sober to half cut and I just thanked God that im sober.  Woke up with a banging headache, must be because I took my medication that late. Felt like id been drinking, its easing off now as the day goes by. Cost me £7 for a J20 and a can of Fanta. Day light robbery haha. Jesse's been out today on a bike ride with his friend. Was so nervous about letting him go, but he was fine and I tracked him on life360.  Now hes in year 6 he can start going the youth club at his school on a Wednesday night. 5.30pm...

I accept the fact that i will be sad forever, because grief is love with nowhere to go. I will miss my dad and son until I see them again, and thats ok. They were a massive part of my life and I love them so much. So if that means im sad for the rest of my life, then im ok with that.  Nothing can bring them back and the sadness i feel inside reminds me that they were real and how much I loved them. I hate that im going through this, but what can I do? Nothing, there's nothing i can do to make the situation any better. So ive got to come to terms with the fact that i will be sad forever.  Even when i experience some sort of happiness, im still sad. I still think to myself, my dad or Jay-Dee would of loved this, or I wish my dad and son could see this. Its just the way grief controls my brain. Grieving is apart of my life now and nothing I do will ever take away the pain I feel inside.  Their lives ended because their missions were complete and God needed them back.  I...

Today i showered, washed my hair and then ive dried and straightened it ready to go out tomorrow night. So nervous about going out because I dont have the energy my friends do. They'll be singing and dancing, just hope i do too. Im so nervous about going out, but I know ill be fine with my friends. I think there's 7 of us going so it should be a good night. Ive not felt too bad today, Jesse didn't go school till half 10 because we slept in, but at least he went in. So proud of myself for doing my hair, you all know how much I hate my hair, but now its done I like it. Glad I had my roots done. Did all my washing today, dried and folded it all. Im having a better day, thank God. Just waiting for Jasper come across and thats it for today.