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May 8th Friday.

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Just ordered Jesse some shorts and t shirt sets for his birthday with some other bits. Still can't believe hes turning 10 on Monday. Hes going have to go bed early Sunday so I can do his banners and balloons. Im so excited for him. I was up at 6:20am this morning before my alarm went off. Ive showered today to wash my tan off and ive even washed my hair!! Feel so much better today, thank God. My brother has been to drop me a crate of pop off, ive done some washing thats currently in the dryer. Ill fold it all when its dry. Feel so much better today, of course im still sad that my dad and son are no longer here, but im feeling better. Ive just said to myself, I forgive you Jay-Dee for taking your own life. That's a massive thing to do. Of course i forgive him, hes my baby boy, it just doesnt make things any easier. Going to force myself to see my friends at some point over the weekend too. Even on my better days I carry a sadness within me. Im so thankful for these better days I...
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May 7th Thursday.

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Been to my attendance meeting today about Jesse's poor attendance. 82% hes on, i didn't think that was too bad, but its meant to be above 90%. Oh well, some days I just dont want to leave the house and thats what i told her. Not felt too bad today, but ive had Jasper here all day as he stayed over last night. I always feel better when I have my boys with me, thats why it breaks my heart that one of my children are dead. Doesn't even sound right writing that. One of my children are gone forever, its crazy. Just feel like im living a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Anyway, ive just done a tan on my face, hands and feet to see if having a bit of a tan will make me feel better, but now ive got to wake up in the morning extra early and shower. Instantly regretting it. Sick of feeling like shit all the time. Im carrying grief better today. Went the cafe see my friends, joined in with conversations. 2 of them asked if I wanted go shopping with them, i had to decline as im...
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May 6th Wednesday.

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Can someone please tell me how to find happiness again? Im so sad. My father and son are on my mind all day, everyday. I think about their deaths and how much its destroyed my life. Im thinking of dying my hair dark, im fed up of having roots. My hair looks a mess and im sick of it. Its adding to my depression. Ive put 2 hair dyes in my Amazon basket for when ive got some money and im going brown. Its time for a change. Ive had a shit day today mentally speaking. Went the cafe to see a few friends, told one of them that my mental health is bad and she said she knows. It must be because I dont talk much, I wouldnt bother going, but I have to force myself to socialise so I dont get even more depressed. Im so fed up of doing this life, but I just can't give up. I have to show up for my kids. I dont see the point in me being alive, im sad all the time and im sick of it. Sick and tired of grieving and i know its a forever thing. I can't live like this forever. I told my friends this...
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May 5th Tuesday.

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Wonder if ill make it to the age of 50? Im 42 now and when im 50 i want to take out a funeral plan and pay monthly so my kids dont have to worry when im dead, but thats if I make it to 50.. the way things are going, its not likely. I absolutely hate being alive. Couldn't go see my friends this morning because Jasper had a parcel coming and its a good job I rushed back because his parcel was just sat on the step when I got home. Im tired today, didn't want to get up, but I forced myself. Ive got an attendance meeting Thursday about Jesse's attendance so I really need him in school so no more time off. We go away July 1st so ill probably get a fine, but id rather pay a fine than the price of the holiday in half term. The prices shoot up, its ridiculous! Ive not brought anything yet for the holiday, my heart isn't in it. I honestly wish id never booked it. Im sure we'll have the best time when we're there. I hope. Not sure how i feel today, im not happy, but im not...
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May 4th Monday.

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Jesse's still with Damian after his sleepover last night, Jasper is asleep here on the settee and im sat thinking I can't do this anymore. Feel so overwhelmed with life. I really can't do this anymore, but im left with no choice but to survive. Its 11:48am and ive already lost the will to live. Depression is heavy today. Im not doing anything with my life except surviving. Im using all my strength to just get through each day. Im so tired of being alive. I was awake at half 4 this morning being sick. I had really bad acid in my throat. Don't know why. Then I slept in till 10:45am. Ive done my dishes, im doing a load of washing which ill fold when its all dry and thats my day. Bank holiday Monday and im stuck in doors losing the will to live. My throat is sore from being sick too. I dont want to be here anymore, but ive no choice but to stay alive for my kids. So fed up of feeling like this everyday. Its really getting me down. I dont go anywhere to meet anyone and im sc...
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May 3rd Sunday.

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After saying yesterday that I was feeling ok and not suicidal, last night I thought about sticking a blade straight through my jugular.. what is fucking wrong with me?!. Ive felt like shit all day today, didn't want get out of bed this morning, but someone has to feed Jesse and the animals. I have to get up and keep the house going. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight so ill have the bed to myself. Ive done nothing today, just surviving. Im so glad I dont drink alcohol anymore and I can control the intrusive thoughts. If I was still drinking id be dead by now. I would of taken my own life. Life's hard enough sober, so it would be ten times worse if I was drunk. 4 years and 5 months sober now, no going back. I still have the odd day now and again where I could just drink a pint, especially when the sun is out, but I have to push through for my kids. I hate having suicidal thoughts, I wish I was normal. For me, living is torture. I just want to be happy and enjoy life, but grief an...
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May 2nd Saturday.

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Finally, a better day. Im low, but not as low as ive been feeling. Got dressed today and took my dog for a walk, she must of thought it was her birthday or something haha. Jesse came on his bike, it was good to get out of the house and go for a walk. Im not suicidal today. Thank God. Im having a day off my diet today, ive been fasting all week and lost a big fat nothing! Ill carry on after today, but i usually dont diet on a Saturday. Its a cheat day. Not going lie, i can't wait climb into bed and have a cuddle off Jesse. I love being asleep, its my escape from life. So thankful for days like today where ive got a bit of motivation and will to live. I wouldnt say no to dying, but today im glad im alive for my boys.  Damian has booked Warwick Castle for the half term to take Jesse for a sleepover for a birthday treat. Jesse's going to love it. Damian does so much with him and im so thankful to him. He has him every Sunday too. They're always going out to new places and makin...
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