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May 21st Thursday.

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Grief feels so heavy today. My son had so much more life to live, memories to make. He was 21.. my dad was 55, they were both taken far too soon. My heart is broken. I dont know how to come back from losing them both. I dont know how to live without them. Grief is killing me off slowly.. Last day of school today, Jesse breaks up today. Hes going for a sleepover tomorrow at Warwick Castle and im going my sisters for a get together for my brothers 40th birthday. Looking forward to getting out for a few hours and having a child free night. Ill have the bed to myself. I do miss Jesse when hes not here though. Ive been the cafe to see my friends, managed to join in with conversations.  Jesse's got a birthday party to go on Saturday at 4pm which hes looking forward to. All my friends from school are going with their kids so it'll be nice have a catch up with them all. Got no plans for half term, I need to mow my grass in my back garden and ill have to think of things to do with Jesse...
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May 20th Wednesday.

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Jensen is home, hes had the best time on his holiday. Hes got a lovely tan and im just happy hes home. Love having my boys around me, they'll grow up and move out as they get older so I cherish my time with them. Even more so since Jay-Dees death. After losing a child it scares the shit out of you, that you'll lose another. I know my boys mental health isn't good since Jay-Dee died and im just scared ill lose another child. We always tell each other we love one another, as often as we can because we know we could be gone any day. You really do never know when you'll live your last day, so always tell people you love that you love them. My last text to Jay-Dee said I love you, thank God.  I always talk to my dad and Jay-Dee, I tell them how much I miss them, in the hopes that they can hear me. I know they're still around me, guiding me through life and giving me the strength to carry on. When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know. How true is that.  T...
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May 19th Tuesday.

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Feel like im going insane, keep seeing things on tiktok about people dying by suicide and I just can't help thinking about my own son taking his life. Suicide isn't selfish, he must of been really struggling early hours of the morning he decided to kill himself. My heart breaks every single day. Ill never understand why he killed himself. I know hes in a better place, but my heart is broken. I wish I could just commit suicide and be done with this life, but it would destroy my living children. Cancer stole my father from me! Im in so much pain in my heart from losing them both. I dont know how to live through the pain. I just dont want to be alive anymore. The pain I feel inside is excruciating. Im convinced ill die of a broken heart or depression will win and ill take my own life someday. Everyday is hard work. Being alive is draining me. Im so tired of fighting for a life I dont even want. I force myself to do things that I really dont want to be doing. Went the cafe this mor...
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May 18th Monday.

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Ive got Jay-Dees funeral song playing over and over in my head. Such a beautiful song that Damian chose. Its one of Damians favourite songs hes loved since he was young. The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars. Ive got those lyrics tattooed above my knee on my right leg with Jay-Dees name underneath. My dad's funeral song was Burning Love by Elvis Presley haha. Dad was a massive ACDC fan, so when his coffin was carried in I chose Highway To Hell by ACDC. I know he would of loved that. When Jay-Dees coffin was carried in we had The Smiths This Charming Man playing. It was Jay-Dees and his best mate Brad's favourite song and for my dad's and Jay-Dees last song we had How Long Will I Love You, by Ellie Golding playing. Makes my heart break just talking about it. Ive sat front row at two funerals and it kills me. Ill never heal from what's happened, no matter how much time has passed. Grief will kill me. Im so broken hearted. Didn't take Jesse school today, hes being bu...
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May 17th Sunday.

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Childhood Dreams by Nelly Furtado. The most beautiful song ive ever heard. Jay-Dees funeral song. Ive listened to it today and it breaks my heart. Looked at photos of Jay-Dee today and I just want to scream out loud!! My baby gone forever. I'll never come to terms with his death or my father's death. Im really struggling with wanting to be alive. Ive met up with a couple of friends today, faked my smile, joined in with conversations, and the whole time I was out, I just wanted to be at home. I wish people knew how hard life is for me. My beautiful son gone forever, my heart is broken. My dad, my best friend, gone forever. How do you come to terms with their deaths? Asking for myself.. for someone thats not afraid to die, I certainly can't deal with death. Its killing me everyday. I go to bed hoping I die in my sleep, I wake up and have to deal with suicidal thoughts everyday. I could easily kill myself. I have enough medication in my kitchen window to take my own life. I th...
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May 16th Saturday.

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So fucking depressed. So fed up of waking up everyday. I know i should be thankful to wake up for my children, but when you suffer with depression its hard to find happiness in waking up. I ordered another canvas yesterday of Jay-Dee to go next to the big one I have in my living room that a few friends brought me. Up my stairs on one wall is covered in canvases. I just love having photos around me of my children. Keeps me going. Im absolutely gutted that my father and son are both dead. It kills me inside every single day. My dad's death destroyed me, that man was my best friend. To then lose a child, oh god, i can't even put into words how much thats destroyed me. My beautiful son gone forever. Nearly 2 years without my son. I could cry, scream, but that wont bring him or my dad back. Im trying to accept their deaths, but I can't. I dont know how to. I dont know how to carry on living. Im really struggling with being alive. I just want to end it all and be done with. Why i...
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May 15th Friday.

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Don't think i can do this anymore. Im so fed up of being alive. Ive had enough of this groundhog day life. Don't know what I can do to change the way I feel. Losing my father and son has killed me inside. I wear a fake smile everyday, I try to make conversations with my friends and non of them know im dead inside. Im tired of pretending that im ok. I wish someone would take this pain away I feel inside every single day. Im tired of waking up, im tired of trying my best to live, when all I want to do is die. Im just so fucking tired. I hate everything about myself. Ive got nothing inside of me, I feel empty. I just want to end my life.. can't though because it would destroy my kids. Its cruel making me live. I wish my kids new how unhappy I was and say its ok for me to go because id be gone already. I can't keep living like this. Grief is consuming me. Im so depressed. Im so sad inside, but I wear a smile when im around people, its exhausting! Im mentally tired. Im surpr...
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