Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jesse's gone for a sleepover at Damians and they're all watching the match later together. Kick off isn't till 10pm, ill be asleep by then. Done my back garden today, tried the strimmer out in the house, didn't realise it was facing my foot and cut my toe open with the wire. That'll teach me. Was listening to music earlier on YouTube on the tv whilst the boys were on their vr headsets. Listened to Jay-Dees favourite song and a few of my dad's songs. Hope they were with me as their songs played. Im drinking an energy drink and im tired, how does that even work.. Its 8:29pm and im ready get in bed and go sleep, but im sat downstairs with my fan on. Going take it up soon and put it facing me in bed. Due know, ive slept with a fan on at night for years and years, i can't sleep without the noise. Just thought id share that. 3 days to go then we go on holiday, I still need to shave everywhere and pack my clothes. Ive done nothing, I know ill end up doing it all Tu...

Grief is heavy today. Just sat picturing my sons smile and his face. I miss him terribly. I miss my dad. How cruel is life. There's nothing i can do to make grief any easier, ive just got to ride it out. (Sigh) I could cry today, but my medication wont allow it, so ill just sit feeling tearful.  Im quitting my vape. Ive got enough juice last me the day and then im done. Its costing me a fortune buying vape refills every few days, im waking through the night to vape. Its got to go, so today is the day. I did plan on quitting when I go on holiday anyway, so its just 5 days earlier. 5 days till we go away, excited and nervous. Not packed yet ill do that the night before. Going my sisters later for a few hours, looking forward to it. She's got a pool so ill be dipping my feet in it. My heart aches today for my dad and son, they had so much more life to live. Taken way too soon.

Can not cope with this heat. Been nipping in and out of the house all day, but its too hot for me. This time next week ill be sunning it up around a pool or even on the beach. Still anxious about going, but im a bit excited too. Looking forward to spending some quality time with Jasper and Jesse-John. Its going be nice. Absolutely dreading the airport, im scared of flying so god help me haha. Looking forward to it now its getting closer though. Im not doing too bad, mentally speaking. Ive had moments of sadness, but ive got through it. Didn't take Jesse school today. I woke up to take him, but I decided not to in this heat.  Ive not brought loads to take on holiday, just a few pairs of shorts and t shirts. Got do the dreaded bath and shave before I go. Everything is hairy haha been single that long ive not bothered shaving so you can imagine what im dealing with. Im dreading it! It's 8.24pm now and im lying in bed with my fan on watching tv with Jesse. Thank god its Friday tomo...

I'll be honest, ive not felt too bad the past couple of days. We all know this wont last though. Still think about my dad and son everyday, but im carrying grief better.  Going Hanley tomorrow with Jasper so I can go Primark to get some holiday clothes. We go away next week and ive got nothing to take with me. Talk about last minute. I only need some shorts and tops, that will do. My holiday is creeping up and im so anxious about it. Im just praying we'll be fine. I engaged in conversation this morning in the cafe with my friends. Im feeling alot better. Ill be honest, I haven't been taking my medication properly and the past week ive made myself take the correct dose of medication, could be why im feeling better. I wanted come off my medication because I just feel numb, but I clearly need it so im taking the correct dose again. Just done 2 lots of washing and got it all pegged out. Love being able hang my washing outside. Im getting old, its the little things haha. Anyway,...

Another Father's Day without my dad, never gets any easier. I miss that man so much it kills me inside. On a lighter note, I showered today and washed my hair. Go me! Went see my friend earlier, only stayed an hour. Really wasn't upto it. Yesterday went fast, went shopping with Jensen in his new car. He loves it bless him. Jasper went on a night out yesterday and didn't get in till 3.45am. Can't believe hes 18 now and going on nights out. I officially feel old!  My boys are all growing up so fast. My hay-fever is so bad these past few days, my eyes are all blood shot and irritable. I keep taking hay-fever tablets. I watched a drama yesterday called Tiptoe, it was about the gay community. It was brilliant, sad, but very good. Im sad today that its Father's day and my dad isn't here. Life's so unfair. Fuck you cancer!! Damian has asked the boys if they want watch the football later at his house and it just makes me feel so sad that Jay-Dee isn't here to do...

11 days and 22 hours until our holiday. Absolutely shitting myself!  Jensen brought a new car today, he had to get the train to Birmingham and then he drove back. He did have a Abarth, but it was costing him a fortune so he decided to sell it and get a different car. We went for a drive out in it earlier and went Costa coffee with Jasper and Jesse.  Love doing things with all my boys. Guts me that Jay-Dee isn't here anymore to do stuff with.  Ive just been sat staring at my digital photo frame and watching photos come on of my boys growing up. It breaks my heart that Jay-Dee is no longer here.  Father's day on Sunday and my heart aches for my dad. I miss him so much. I miss them both. Can't wait get into bed tonight and not have to set an alarm. I can't wait go sleep. Jasper's going home about 8pm ish and ill be getting in bed watch tv. I plan on taking Jesse to get his hair cut tomorrow and we'll nip Asda for snacks. Im not suicidal today, I wouldnt say no to d...