Cancer, Depression and Me.

I was half asleep this morning in a dream like state and I remember thinking to myself, I need to ring my dad to see if hes ok because I know hes got cancer and ive not heard off him in a few days. Then it slowly came to me that he was already dead and my heart broke all over again. Was so weird. I was awake, but asleep if that makes sense. Ive woken up with a sore throat today. My plan is to take Jesse Forest Park with his scooter, but im really not feeling it. I dont know, ill see how i feel after dinner. Did I tell you Jesse got his first phone yesterday? Hes over the moon, took me ages set it up and add all the family's phone numbers etc. Ive put life360 on our phones so we both know where each other are all the time. Can't believe hes got a phone, it was bound to happen sooner or later, hes in year 6 in September. Last year of primary school. Crazy how fast time goes. Ive got no motivation to do anything, i need to get myself dressed and leave this house, even if its just ...

Done nothing today except watch Manifest on Netflix. Its really good. I was thinking earlier about how death has completely changed my life, from being so outgoing to barely recognising myself. I didn't stay there too long because it would of made me sad, but it does make you think. Anyway, got my brother coming tomorrow. Jesse gets his first phone tomorrow, just a Samsung, but hes dead excited. My little boy is growing up way too fast. He needs his own phone now because he keeps using mine whilst hes gaming, talking to his cousin Luther. He was going have a phone for Christmas so its only a few months early. I remember when Jay-Dee and Jensen had their first phones when they were in primary school and now one is dead and one is on the sick at work because hes depressed. How life changes. Miss my son and dad so much. Everyday is hard without them, but im trying my best to live this life ive been given. I miss my dad's company, I use to have a beer with him every single day. Not...

Didn't get out of bed till nearly 11am. Jesse just let's me sleep, he gets up and just goes on his computer, bless him. If I didn't have Jesse and animals to feed id just rot in bed all day. Im just tired all the time. Its 7pm now and I can't wait get back into bed. Im trying get through all Jasper's washing hes brought back off his holiday.  We've had Domino's pizza for tea, I only had 2 slices because im on the Reta jab. Trying to cut my calories down. I'd usually have a large pizza to myself and eat half now and half the next day, so the jab is working because I was full after 2 slices. Im 12lb down. 2 more lbs and ive lost a stone. I can do this! Im fasting now till tomorrow dinner time, i think its helping the weight loss. Mentally im doing ok. Had a few sad moments, but ive snapped myself out of it. Got to keep going for my boys.

Met up with my sister today at Forest Park, I took Jesse and she had 2 of her kids. They took scooters, skateboards and skates and had alot of fun. The weather was lovely, we had ice creams and ice lollies. The kids had fun and thats the main thing. Its so hard finding things to do through the 6 week holidays that dont cost alot, so it wont be the last time we go the park id imagine. Ive been the chemist to collect my medication and then we went Asda to get everything to make tacos for tea. Jensen came to collect me with my shopping and Jesse asked if he could go home on his scooter. I was a bit reluctant, but I said yes. Hes growing up too fast. Hes becoming more independent.  Jasper isn't coming today, hes in bed not feeling very well. I think his 2 holidays in 1 month have caught up with him and he needs to rest, especially after going on a lads holiday haha. Anyway, tacos for tea were lovely, messy, but nice. Ive taken my night time meds and im going get in bed watch some more ...

I didn't have Jesse last night so do you know what I did with my Jesse free night? I went asleep at 8:30pm haha and I didn't wake up today until nearly 11am, now thats some sleeping. Absolutely loved it. I just love being asleep. Its an escape from reality. Jasper is back from his holiday now, hes lying on the settee under his blanket. Hes tired bless him. Hes had the best time. Myself, Jesse and Jensen have put a giant shoe rack up today, yes it took 3 of us haha so thats by the front door, so I dont have shoes all over the house now so thats good. Im meeting my sister tomorrow at Forest Park with the kids for a play and an ice cream. Not until the afternoon though because im enjoying my lie ins. Also need go the chemist tomorrow to collect my medication, so ill go after the park. I dont feel too bad in myself. Miss my dad and son, but I feel ok. Started watching Manifest on Netflix last night so going watch some more of that now and thats my day.

Went my mums yesterday so we could do each other's hair. The man driving the taxi didn't stop talking, he asked me how many kids I had and I said 4. He asked how old my oldest was and I said 23, because thats how old he should be. I couldnt bring myself to tell him he was dead so I just carried on like he was still alive. Its hard talking about Jay-Dee because I just want to cry. He should still be here. Life is so cruel. Stayed mums for a couple of hours then Jensen came to pick me up. Hes such a good boy. He helps me so much. Jasper is home from Portugal tomorrow, ive missed him. My brother has been here for the majority of the day today, its been nice.  Jesse is with Damian and hes having a sleepover so im going start watching Manifest on Netflix in bed. Going enjoy my child free night and just relax. I can't put into words how much I miss my dad and son. It kills me inside. I honestly can't wait to die to see them both again. Wonder how long ill live for. Do you eve...