Cancer, Depression and Me.

Ive just showered and washed my hair!! So proud of myself. I know its something that should be done nearly everyday, but depression ruins you. I get that low that a shower doesnt even cross my mind. Feel like im winning today after my shower. Jesse is in school, I went the cafe see my friends. I sat there and tried to join in with conversations, but I just wanted to go home. I just felt like I didn't fit in. They were all smiling and happy and then there was me, sat watching the rain fall. I am trying, but im struggling. Jensen and Jasper arrived in Berlin a few hours ago. Hope they have the best time on their little holiday. My holiday is fast approaching and im dreading it. Honestly wish id never of booked it. What was I thinking? I was thinking id be in a better place mentally, but im not. Anyway, so proud of myself for showering and washing my hair. You know how much I hate washing my hair..  Ive done a load of washing thats now in the dryer, ill fold it all when its dry. Its j...

Went the cinema this morning with Jensen and Jasper to watch Backrooms. We went the Vue. I absolutely love doing things with my boys and im so lucky that they still want to do things with me as they get older. I feel so blessed, but sad at the same time. Grief is horrible. Even when I smile, I still feel sadness inside. Sad that my dad and son arent here anymore to do things with. Jensen and Jasper go Berlin with Damian at 3am, so it'll just be me and Jesse-John for a few nights. Going be weird not having Jensen and Jasper here. Its hard not having Jay-Dee here, I still expect him to come walking through the front door after work. I miss my son so much, I miss my dad. That man was my best friend. We did everything together. Ever likely I feel so lost.  Im so thankful that I make it through each day, some days are harder than others to get through, but everyday I dont give up. Even on my hard days, I fight like hell to stay alive, which is hard when you have suicidal thoughts all th...

My friend didn't end up coming mine, instead a few of us met at hers for a cuppa tea, well 2 cups of tea and a catch up. I was so depressed this morning, really wasn't feeling life, but i feel better now ive been see a few of my friends. Before I went out another friend of mine knocked on the door with a bunch of sunflowers she'd brought me to cheer me up. I really do have the best of friends. Im so grateful.  We were talking about something and Jay-Dee came into the conversation, I felt like I couldnt talk properly with a lump in my throat. Had to hold back the tears and one of my friends asked if I was ok. Of course I said yes, but deep down I wasn't ok. Found it hard to talk about him, I said I still wait for him to walk through the door. I can't comprehend the fact that hes gone forever.  I say it all the time, but I miss my dad and son so much. Its killing me. Anyway, here's a pic of my sunflowers to brighten up your day.

Last night for the first time ever, Jesse asked if he could stay up until midnight to do a live event on his ps5. Ive never let him before, but I thought to myself, its Friday night and hes 10 now, so i let him. I turned my tv off at 10pm and was fast asleep. Im medicated so I go sleep pretty early. I dont remember, but Jesse said I woke up at 1am when he climbed into bed with me. I must of still been half asleep.  I always suffered with insomnia until I was put on Olanzopine. I take it at about half 6 every night and im asleep for 10pm, its great. I thought I was losing my mind when I had insomnia, it was horrible.  Ive got up today and stripped my bedding and put it on a hot wash because my dog and now my cat sleep with me, along with Jesse haha. Ive got no room in my life for a partner. Got us a McDonald's breakfast because we always have a breakfast from McDonald's on a Saturday morning. Jasper will be 18 next Friday, I can't believe it. Literally, the years are passing...

I go the cafe before Jesse goes in school every morning to buy Jesse a snack and milkshakes for snack time in school. I got there early today about 8:05am. I brought him his snacks and just sat there waiting for 8:30am so i could see him off into school. I must of dissociated because I sat down and the next thing I knew, it was half 8. I must of spent 25 minutes doing absolutely nothing. People were all around me, but I just dissociated from the world. I looked at the clock and was like, oh shit its half past. I didn't get sleep last night till after 12am and its got to be because I napped through the day. Ive been tired all day today, but ive stayed awake. Want an early night. I think im tired all the time because im emotionally drained. Depression is draining me. Spent the day clearing my kitchen work tops and cupboards out, kept me busy. Im such a cluttery person, so ive tried to put things away instead of things being all over my work tops. Another day of hanging on by a thread...

Got up and took Jesse school today, really didn't want leave the house. Had to force myself to go and wear my smile. I feel exhausted mentally. Went the cafe and my friend asked if I was ok, and I said no. I barely spoke. I told them that I felt exhausted mentally. Im so tired. I walked to Asda and thought about stepping infront of a car, but they weren't driving fast enough to kill me, so I didn't. Jay-Dees anniversary of his death has really knocked me back. I just want to sleep my days away, but im a mum and ive got shit to do. Ive come home, put my shopping away, hoovered up, done my dishes, cleaned the litter tray out and washed it, ive got a wash on now which ill put in the dryer when its done, then ill fold it all. Im sat down now. Might try have a little sleep because I just feel so tired. Glad ive got Jesse in school though. My holiday is fast approaching and ive not got anything to take yet. I really need to go Primark to get some shorts and tops. Im absolutely sh...