Cancer, Depression and Me.

Feel deflated today, ive got no go in me. Don't want leave the house, but dont want be stuck in the house. Welcome to my brain. Doesn't know what it wants! Can't afford to go out even if i wanted to. Had Iceland delivered so I dont have to go the shops. Roll on tomorrow, bbq at my sisters with the family. Im so heartbroken its unreal. My heart aches for what ive lost. My head is a mess. I feel so isolated. Can't be bothered to go see my friends. Ive just got no go in me. This is depression and grief. Im screaming inside for the life that ive lost. The me before all this tragedy happened. I know I can't go back because I dont belong there anymore. Im sober now, im on a new journey to find me again. Grief is a lonely road to be on. Didn't want to get out of bed this morning, had to get up though to feed my animals. Ive not showered for a few days and my hair hasn't been washed for about a week. Im just sat in my pjs wishing the day would just pass me by. Ill b...

Gutted me not buying Jay-Dee an easter egg when I brought his brothers one. Its the little things that hurt the most. Im watching something called The Cleaning Lady on Netflix and there's a man in it called Jay-Dee. Thought I was hearing things at first, but the more the name was said I realised he was actually called Jay-Dee. How crazy is that. Ive stripped Jesse's bed and washed his bottom sheet. Ive binned his quilt cover because ive brought him a new coverless duvet to put on. Im getting him back into his own bed, i want my bed back. He slept in his own room last night, so i thought it was time to make it all cosy for him with new bedding. Ive got no plans for today, just watching this on Netflix and have a chilled out day eating chocolate. Its my nephews birthday Tuesday and my sister is doing a bbq so that will be nice, just hope the weather is nice for it. Its currently hailing and raining, it looks miserable outside. Ive just put my heating on because im freezing. Dream...

Been questioning my sobriety and why im even sober, so i reached out to my brother and sister on our group chat. My sister said i would spiral and that I self harm when im drunk and that I also wouldnt stop at one drink. I needed to hear them words because they're all true. Its only 11am and i feel sad that my dad and son are no longer here with me. Just been looking at the canvases on my stairs of my dad and son and my heart sank. I can't tell you how much I miss them both. Its hurts my heart. Why am I questioning my sobriety? Maybe because I feel like i dont fit in and I did when I was drinking. I dont drink, I quit the weed about 8 weeks ago, I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, I literally vape thats it and im giving that up when I go on holiday. I thought it would be a good time to quit, not buying one when im away. I tried to kill myself so many times in drink which is why I got sober. My kids are proud of me so why am I questioning it?! I dunno, im just having one of those day...

Been out today with Jesse to meet my sister and niece, Athena. Was nice to see them both. We went Costa and for myself and Jesse to have a bottle of Oasis, it cost nearly £6.. £6 for 2 bottles of pop. Absolutely ridiculous, yes I brought them as we were thirsty, but to then go in Poundland and they're a £1. Disgusting. Anyway, went Primark and brought some more new pjs. I have more pjs than I do clothes, but they're all covered in little holes where my cat claws the fuck out of my legs. Hes only 5 months old so im hoping he grows out of it because he can be quite pevish haha. Went round a few shops, got some bits from Iceland and came home. Straight into my new pjs haha. Was looking at the holiday stuff in Primark which ill have to start buying soon because our holiday to Magaluf is fast approaching. Im honestly dreading it. Ill be ok when we arrive, im just panicking about the airport and finding our transfers when we arrive. I have to keep telling myself ill be ok. Just had c...

March went by fast, I find that I dissociate alot and the months just pass me by. Jesse has just got home from his sleepover and cinema morning with Damian. He gave me a big hug and said he missed me. This is why I keep living. Its the little things that make a massive difference. That hug saved my life. My boys dont realise how much they save me everyday. Its 1:22pm and im still in my pjs. Had the laziest morning with Jesse not being here. Trying to be positive today and thankful. I try everyday to be as positive as I possibly can, but some days are so heavy. I struggle most days, so im always thankful for the "better" days. Myself and Jesse are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow for hot chocolates, which will be nice. Im just doing a load of washing and im making a pasta bake for tea. Last night it was just me and Jensen in the house, so we had a cheeky take away. I had omelette and chips. Was so nice. I love an omelette from the take away, always taste better ...

I was thinking earlier about the fact that my son went and got a hair cut just before travelling to the rave in Liverpool. Why would you bother getting your hair cut if you planned on killing yourself? You wouldnt! Why did he kill himself? It's killing me. What must of been going through my sons head early hours that Sunday morning? Oh god, it honestly kills me inside thinking about it all. Grief is killing me. I had 19 months with my dad watching him deteriorate because cancer starved him to death and it still doesnt feel real that hes gone forever. Grief will be the death of me, that or the depression. Im not coping with my father and sons death and im not sure what im meant to do about it. Chucking medication at me isn't working. Group trauma therapy didn't work. My psychiatrist isn't helping. Ive had bereavement counselling and that helped I guess, but only a little bit. I feel like im trapped in a dark hole. Im consumed by grief. It eats away at me daily and I can...