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November 6th Friday.

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Feel so deflated today, had a shit sleep last night which doesnt help. I keep thinking about how long ive been grieving for and I know it will never end until I die. It makes me so sad that I will be feeling this way forever. I can't stop the grieving process, im just trying to live with it. Some days are heavier than other days and today grief feels heavy. Im also worried about Jesse, he doesnt want to go to school anymore because hes being bullied, its been going on for months now. Im always ringing the school to tell them and it seems nothing is getting done. Other than pulling him out of school, im not sure what to do. Im a Christian, so belting the parents isn't an option haha. Trying to be a better person. Seriously though, something needs doing about the bullying because Jesse hates going school and it makes me sad. God i miss my dad and son so much, im so sad. Im such a sad person since they passed away. Grief is killing me. Im desperately trying to find myself, but i d...
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November 5th Thursday.

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Damian is collecting Jesse after he finishes work about 5pm, for fireworks at his house with Mabel and Max. Jesse has come straight home from school and got changed. He absolutely loves being with Damian.  Im going nip my brothers for an hour when he goes, get me out of the house for an hour. I didn't do the school run this morning, I was so tired. I waited for Jesse go in school then i went back sleep with the dog on the settee under Jasper's blanket. Was lovely and cosy. Ive had the heating on all day, i think its gone so cold. I love these early dark nights with Christmas tree up, makes the living room so cosy.  Not really got alot to talk about today, i feel ok mentally. Thought about my dad and son like I always do, but ive not stayed sad. Ive done some washing and dried and folded it. Was going make a spag bol for tea, but forgot the cheese. You can't have a spag bol with no cheese, so ill buy cheese tomorrow and make it tomorrow for tea. Thats it for today. Happy Bon...
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November 4th Wednesday.

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Spent the morning with my sister Christmas shopping,  we went a coffee shop and had banana bread latès, which were delicious. I picked some Nivea body sets up and said to my sister they're for Jay-Dee and.. then I stopped myself and said they're for Jensen and Jasper. Made me sad.  15th of this month will be 6 years since my dad passed away. 6 years of living with heartbreak. 6 years have flown by. So much has happened since dad passed away. I had cancer, dads partner, Sharon died, Russ a good friend of dads passed away and my beautiful son died. Its been really tough on my heart. The only reason im still standing is because my boys need me or id be dead already.. Anyway, im trying to have a good day. Loved meeting up with my sister, I speak to her everyday, but we dont see each other much, so it was lovely to go shopping together.  Im making a curry for tea with rice.  Ive been wrapping my presents as I buy so i dont leave it all till last minute. Doesn't matter how...
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November 3rd Tuesday.

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I dreamt about my dad last night, he was dying in my dream again. I remember waking up crying. It was horrible. Why do I keep dreaming about his death? Its absolute torture. I miss him so much its killing me.  Gone on tiktok and there was a tiktok of Jay-Dee on my memories and my heart broke all over again. I miss my son. Didn't take Jesse school today, we slept in, hes got a dentist appointment at 12.55pm so just thought id keep him off anyway. I feel like shit today mentally. Dreaming of my dad dying has made me feel so sad inside. Im going visit my brother after we've been the dentist, get us both out of the house a few hours. Grief feels heavy today. I could cry. I woke myself up crying through the night, thats not happened in a long time. I hate reliving my dads death, but thats the price we pay I guess for holding him as he died. I will never forget seeing my dad take his last breath. It will haunt me forever. I got to say goodbye to my dad, I never got the chance to say ...
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November 2nd Monday.

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My Christmas tree and decorations are up. Ive hung 4 stockings, might only have 3 children with me, but Jay-Dee will always be included.  Ive put everything up for Jesse really, I might not be in the Christmas spirit, but I do it for my boys. Christmas is a hard season for me, I use to visit my dad every Christmas day and id always have my 4 boys here with me. Jay-Dee use to roll out of bed about dinner time to open his presents haha, Jensen is the same. I miss my dad and son so much. Im carrying grief better these past few days. Im sad, ill always be sad, but im carrying it better. Some days are really hard and some days are easier on my heart. Making Jay-Dees favourite for tea tonight, chilli. I always use to give Jay-Dee a bigger portion than his brothers because I knew how much he loved it. Jensen chose tea tonight. I could cry, but I wont. I always feel like I could cry. There's a sadness inside of me that will be with me until I die. Just got to keep going. Can't wait see...
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November 1st Sunday.

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Merry Christmas haha, Halloween is over and Christmas begins. Ive pulled my decorations out from under my stairs and im in 2 minds whether to put them up today or not.  Its not the same anymore since my dad and son died, I can't describe it, but im just not as festive as I use to be. I miss them both all throughout the year, but the holiday season is hard. Back to school tomorrow, ive absolutely loved having Jesse off. We've had cosy lie ins everyday and hes such a good boy, its been lovely to have him off.  My kitchen is over run with recycling because my blue bin is full until it gets emptied tomorrow morning. We had a chicken dinner last night for tea and it was lovely, Jesse asked for another today, but ill do one through the week now. I started wrapping presents yesterday, going to wrap as I buy so i dont leave all the wrapping till last minute like I usually do. Can I be bothered to put my decs up, the thought of putting a tree up is putting me off. I feel so tired today...
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October 31st Saturday.

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Jesse has been so excited all morning because he was going to a Halloween party at Damians at 2pm and then Trick or Treat after. Hes been counting down for Halloween for the past 2 weeks haha bless his little innocent heart. Jesse went at 2pm, me and Jensen went Asda and I came out 50 pound lighter, but weve got a chicken dinner slow cooking for tea. Can't wait. Ive been wrapping presents, ill wrap as I buy so its not all left till last minute.  My mum did a Diamond Art of Jay-Dee and it arrived today. I'll post a pic at the end. I made a photo on ChatGPT of all my boys and it also arrived today, so ive framed it. I'll post that pic too at the end. I feel ok today, ive kept myself busy and im doing ok. One more lie in then back to the school run. Might put my Christmas decorations up next week.🎄 And thats my day..
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