Cancer, Depression and Me.

11 days and 22 hours until our holiday. Absolutely shitting myself!  Jensen brought a new car today, he had to get the train to Birmingham and then he drove back. He did have a Abarth, but it was costing him a fortune so he decided to sell it and get a different car. We went for a drive out in it earlier and went Costa coffee with Jasper and Jesse.  Love doing things with all my boys. Guts me that Jay-Dee isn't here anymore to do stuff with.  Ive just been sat staring at my digital photo frame and watching photos come on of my boys growing up. It breaks my heart that Jay-Dee is no longer here.  Father's day on Sunday and my heart aches for my dad. I miss him so much. I miss them both. Can't wait get into bed tonight and not have to set an alarm. I can't wait go sleep. Jasper's going home about 8pm ish and ill be getting in bed watch tv. I plan on taking Jesse to get his hair cut tomorrow and we'll nip Asda for snacks. Im not suicidal today, I wouldnt say no to d...

PTSD is something soldiers came home from war with and ive been diagnosed with it because of the death of my father and son. Everyday i relive their last day on earth. It haunts me. I dont know how to get better. Im struggling to live without my dad and son. I dream about my dad, well should I say, I have nightmares because hes always dying in my dreams. Hes always at the end of life with cancer. Its horrible. I just dont know how im meant to get "better". Im trying so hard to get on with life, but i just dont belong here anymore.  I sit with my friends and they're all laughing and joking and then there's just me sat there watching them all get on with their lives. Why can't I just get on with my life. Something in me changed the day my dad passed away. I died inside. He took part of me with him, and then my son took what was left of me when he died. I look at the world differently. I dont care about being alive anymore. I force myself to survive each day so I don...

Ok, i know my dad and son are both dead. Ive accepted that, but what now.. how do I live? What am I meant to be doing? How do I get out of this depression? How can I lift my mood?  All I want to do is sleep because im chronically depressed. I dont know how to help myself, im not sure how to live this life. I was sat in the cafe this morning with 7 of my friends, I looked around and everyone was chatting away and then there was me. I wore my smile and engaged in conversation now and again, but I just felt like I dont belong anywhere.  I honestly dont see the point in my existence. Im struggling with staying alive. I just want to die in my sleep. What a peaceful death that would be. Im always tired, I take multivitamins everyday, yet im still so tired. Tired of life is what it is. I miss my dad and son so much, its killing me inside. Their deaths have destroyed my life. Knowing my kids are struggling too makes me feel so sad that there's nothing i can do to make them feel better...

Been the doctors this morning with Jensen. I love how my boys still need their mum to do things with. He cried and said he was depressed after losing his brother. Some times I get so caught up in my own grief, that I forget they've all lost their big brother. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed us all. The doctors have given him a sick note for a month and he wants to find a new job because he hates his job. I feel so sad for my boys. Jasper is struggling with his mental health and now Jensen. I think they both need therapy. I struggle everyday with losing my father and son, so god knows how my kids must feel. This is why I can't kill myself, it would just tip my boys over the edge.  Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, I got up brushed my teeth and decided to get back into bed. I felt so tired. Im still tired today, but ive taken him school. Doesn't matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired. I know its the depression. Ill be collecting my new medication tomorrow, im just...

Last night I could of killed myself, i obviously didn't, but Jensen and Jasper stayed over in Liverpool and Jesse stayed Damians the night. I could of just ended my life whilst my boys were all out. Instead, I ordered myself a curry and was asleep by half 9. I also didn't self harm. So proud of myself for fighting the urge.  Ive been thanking about joining the gym and walking there and back, but its quite far away from where I live. The weight ive gained from medication is adding to my depression. I dunno, it was just a thought.  My boys will be back about 3 or 4pm they said and Jesse will be back this afternoon, so im just sat with my animals.  Loved my early night last night, you can tell im old and dont drink anymore. I was happy to just get into bed and go sleep haha. Ill take this peaceful life over anything. My life might be a mess because of my depression, but its better than it use to be since I went sober. I use to wake up after a night out either in a police cel...

I want to self harm so bad, i just keep thinking of slicing my wrists and I dont know why. Mental health is no joke, im really struggling. The thoughts about self harming are driving me insane, I can just imagine the relief ill feel once ive cut my wrists. Im not going to do it, ill fight the urge no matter how hard it gets.  Im wondering if its because the boys are going Liverpool overnight? Said to Jasper, the last time one of my children went to Liverpool they never came home. Ive told him no drugs and to stay with everyone who's going.  Im dreading them going. My sister invited me hers today for a bbq with my mum and my sisters bf, but ive declined the invite. Im just not in the right head space to socialise.  The boys go at 2pm and I said to Jesse we'll get an early night with a take away in bed. My perfect Saturday night. I know im going have a shit sleep because ill be worrying about the boys. Ill be messaging them throughout the day and night to make sure they're ...