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March 28th Saturday.

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Ive watched Married At First Sight for years, Australian and UK. One of the experts on the show, Mel Shilling died a few days ago aged 54 and its really impacted on me. My dad died age 55 and it brought everything back to the surface. I know first hand how her family must be feeling. Its made me feel so sad the past few days that shes passed away. She was a lovely woman and its so sad. Damian sending me photos of Jay-Dee ive never seen before of him at work, that made my heart ache all over again. I can't tell you how much I miss my dad and son. I know I say it everyday and youre probably sick of reading it, but honestly, im absolutely heartbroken. 55 and 21 are no age to die. My son was a month away from completing his bricklaying apprenticeship. He had his whole life ahead of him. I will never ever understand why he killed himself and that kills me inside. Cancer stole my dad from me. I watched his cancer, esophageal cancer, starve him to death over 19 months. The heartache I fee...
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March 27th Friday.

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Last day of school for 2 weeks, yay. Can't wait have a lie in tomorrow. All down my right side in my stomach is killing me, swear ive got a kidney infection. Going keep my eye on myself and go the doctors if it gets any worse. My heart aches today, just like any other day, but some days are heavy. Grief is heavy. Miss my son and my dad more than anything in the world. Thankful for my living children, but im grieving the loss of my father and son. Every day I live, is a day closer to my death. That's how I see it. I dont want to die because my boys need their mum, but death doesnt scare me. I was thinking about dying and you never know when you'll live your last day. We take living for granted. You never know when your death day will be. I welcome death, but not yet. I need to see my boys grow up. If it wasn't for my boys getting me through each day, id be dead already. Wonder how I will die? Do you ever think about your death or am I just morbid? Will depression kill me...
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March 26th Thursday.

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Been up through the night with pains down my right side of my chest. Still got them now and struggling to take a breath on and off. My sister said it could be trapped wind. Let's hope thats all it is because I can't be ill, ive got children and pets to look after. Makes me realise why ive got to stay alive. No one could look after my kids the way I do and feed my pets. Jensen took me school this morning then we nipped Asda for some bits. Im booked on to a craft afternoon with Jesse at school at half 2. I didn't blog yesterday, I just couldnt be bothered. I had nothing to say so I just kept quiet. I dont feel too bad today mentally speaking. We're getting Domino's pizza for tea tonight as a treat. Still find it hard to believe some days that my father and son are gone forever. Grief just hits you out of the blue. They wouldnt want me to be sad, so im trying my best to live for them. Everyday is a battle, but today im doing ok..
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March 24th Tuesday.

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Spent the morning with my sister, we met up Hanley and went for a hot chocolate. It was nice. Damian asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I said photo frames. So he ordered me 10 vintage, different shapes and sizes photo frames that came a few days ago, anyway, the photos I ordered arrived today, so ive spent the afternoon putting my photos into the frames and putting them up on the wall behind my tv. Love having photos all around me of my boys. Its not been a bad day. Mentally im doing ok, made me sad putting photos up of Jay-Dee and my dad, but I find comfort seeing their faces around me. My house is filled with photos and canvases and I love it. I love seeing memories all around me, it keeps me going. Ive watched Married At First Sight UK and Australia for years and today a lady called Mel that is an expert on the show has died age 54. Its really upset me. I know what her family are going through and its horrible. Feel so sad for her family. You never know when your time ...
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March 23rd Monday.

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My dad always use to say he wouldnt make it to 50 and then he died when he was 55. Cancer is cruel! I was talking to my friends yesterday when we went for a meal, which by the way was lovely and I had a really good time, but I was saying about how much I miss my dad and son and how im sober after everything thats happened. My friend Rachael said how strong I was and she wouldnt of made it through what ive been through and it made me think, I must be stronger than I think I am. To lose my father and son and to have cancer in-between. How im still standing I dont know. I always say I get my strength from my boys and I stand by that. I wouldnt be here now if it wasn't for them. Jensen has just asked me if I wanted nip Home Bargains with him for snacks (diets going shit haha), but i love how my kids want to do things with me. They keep me alive. When I was in the car I found myself drifting off thinking about Jay-Dee and how much my heart aches without him here. I'd give my life to...
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March 22nd Sunday.

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Last night I dreamt that I was dying of cancer. It was a horrible dream to have after having cancer already. I remember I had hours left to live. I pray I never have cancer again. Myself and Jesse are up and dressed. Jesse's going out with Damian at half 12 and then my friend is picking me up, then we're collecting 2 more friends to go out for dinner. Its been years since ive been The Dog And Partridge so im looking forward to it. Already decided im having a mixed grill haha. I dont feel too bad today, really can't be bothered to go out, but I know it will do me good. Wish I could just spend my days in bed, thats how depressed I am. Have to force myself to participate in life. Feel guilty for going out when my dad and son are both no longer here, but I know they'd be telling me to go and enjoy myself. Its hard living a life after losing people you love. I am trying though. After we've had tea tonight, myself and Jasper are going to start fasting and having one meal ...
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March 21st Saturday.

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Got up, got dressed and went the shop with Jesse. He went on his bike. Im showered and washed my hair. Can't remember the last time I showered and washed my hair. Im not lazy, its depression. Some days it takes everything in me just to get through the day without killing myself. So to shower and wash my hair is kind of a big deal for me. Jesse keeps playing Jay-Dees song, The Smiths This Charming Man, my heart sinks every time I hear it, but it also makes me smile that I get to listen to his favourite song and think about him. I miss him and my dad so much. Ive come to terms with the fact that im never going to heal from the trauma ive been through. I guess ill have to live like this until my day of death. Im always going to be a sad person, nothing will ever change that. Ive just got to keep living regardless. Its so hard getting up everyday and to fight the urge to kill myself. Everyday is a battle. Suicidal ideation is real and i have to live with it. Im going out tomorrow with ...
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