Cancer, Depression and Me.

I remember crying in my dreams last night as I sat beside my dad's hospital bed as he was dying. I hate these type of dreams. I dont want to relive my dad's death, but i do. I relive it when im awake and when im asleep. Its cruel. God I miss that man so much. I relive my sons death, even though I wasn't there, I read the coroners report and I know how he died, what injuries he had, how he landed. I know everything and its a fucking living nightmare. Ill never know why my son killed himself and thats torture. I never got to say goodbye and that kills me. When I dream about my dad and son, it really affects me when I wake up. I already know im going to have a shitty day and its only 11:17am. Ive just stripped my bedding because my new coverless duvet has arrived. Got no plans for today. Its take away night tonight, so we're getting a Domino's pizza. One more lie in and then its back to the school run. This last week has flown by. I feel like shit today and i know its ...

Dad visited me in my dreams last night, then i woke up..  love it when i dream about my dad and son, but I absolutely hate waking up. Got YouTube on the tv playing music and just as ive started to write this blog, dad's funeral song has just played, Burning Love by Elvis Presley. If thats not a sign then I dont know what is.  Do you see Angel Numbers? Ive been seeing them all through the day and night for years. Some times I think i might be going crazy, but seeing them gives me reassurance. Honestly, i fucking hate being mentally unwell. Dusted my living room and Jay-Dees urn. Just breaks my heart having his ashes infront of my fire, but saying that, I wouldnt want him anywhere else. Hes safe with me and so is my dad. Hes in my bedroom. Kills me everyday, but im glad they're both with me, brings me a bit of comfort. Its just hard seeing your dad and son in an urn everyday. My heart aches today. I love going asleep early because I know there's always a chance ill see my fat...

Not done anything today, been in my pjs all day and had a lazy day. Jesse didn't get back from Alton Towers until tea time, so ive enjoyed the peace and quiet. Dont feel too bad today. Cooked a chicken, so we had stuffing and chicken sandwiches for tea. Its nearly bedtime thank god. Can't wait go sleep. Done nothing but yawn all day today. My brother is coming tomorrow after work for a few hours, so that'll break my day up. Im going Natalie's Monday day time for a meal shes cooking me. Heads still fucked up, but im just going to go with the flow. Don't know what I want out of life. Living is hard work and it shouldn't be. Life shouldn't be this hard. My roots need doing, my hairs a mess, which then makes me feel a mess. Jasper stayed over last night so ive had his company all day. Hes still here now, but hes going soon and then im getting into bed. Love having my boys around me. I dont want them grow up. Love my boys more than anything in the world. They kee...

Its 9.20am, I was up at 8am getting Jesse ready for his sleepover at Alton Towers. He went at 9am, so hes got a full day on the rides and a sleepover there. He was so excited bless him. Ive just made myself a cup of tea and its so peaceful. Im going see my friends at dinner time, then out for tea with Jasper and Jensen later. Going be nice spend time with my older boys. Think we're going for a Toby Carvery. Yum! Just wish Jay-Dee was here to come with us. Makes me sad inside. Miss my dad and son so much. I was going go back bed when Jesse went, but im wide awake now. Ive got a psychiatrist appointment next month and im going tell her how depressed I am and how I think about killing myself often. My mental health is so shit. Anyway, a whole day and night to myself, ive done my dishes, I have no washing to do, so thats good. Im just going enjoy my peace and quiet. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't mentally unwell. I'd love to be able enjoy life and do things ...

Feel alot better today, mentally. Thank god. The past few days have been horrible. Thank god I dont give in to intrusive thoughts. It worries me though, because one day I might end up killing myself, but for now, im ok. Ive been the shops with Jensen. Had a new thermostat fitted this morning, its digital now, whereas it was a dial before. I know you probably dont give a shit, but that was my morning. Slept better last night, the night before I had no sleep. Just couldnt switch off at all. Took my morning meds because I clearly need them. Why I would just stop, I dont know. Anyway, im medicated and im feeling ok. Natalie has been messaging me, asking me to not give up on her and how sorry she is. I just think I prefer being on my own. Life's easier single thats for sure. I dont know what im going do. I just can't be bothered with a relationship. My mental health is shit, how am I meant to make someone else happy, when im not happy myself. Told her I have EUPD, its like banging m...

Went see my friends yesterday and broke down crying. Ive had no sleep, couldn't switch off at all. Ive seen every hour on the clock. Ive broken it off with Natalie. I was having such a bad day yesterday and all she said was ill speak to you tomorrow, on about today, or Tuesday. Fuck off! Needed support not the silent treatment. Cba with it. Don't know why I couldnt switch off last night. I feel like shit today. As for Natalie, im just not mentally well enough to be with someone. I hate how I am. I hate being alive. I hate struggling with my mental health. When am I going to get better? Ive taken my medication this morning, its got to be the reason i haven't slept, because i didn't take them yesterday. Why is my life such hard work? Im so fucking tired of being alive. Life shouldn't be this much hard work surely. Im so fucking drained by life. Im having another shit day arent I? I could just cry! Ive got Natalie saying she loves me. Get a fucking grip! Weve only been...