Cancer, Depression and Me.

2 years tomorrow since my son tragically passed away. 2 whole years without my child by my side. 2 years of emptiness. My friends took me Leek today to get me out of the house, didn't want go, just wanted be on my own, but I went. Hasn't taken the pain away that i feel inside. I honestly dont know how ive made it through the last 5 and a half years. Dad died and i died inside. Something changed me that day. My son dying has just wrote me off. I try everyday to get through each day, but its hard work. I just hate being alive. I wont be doing anything tomorrow, ill be remembering my son like I do everyday, but the anniversary of his death will be hard. I wont be going the cafe in the morning, I wont feel like talking, like most days. 5 and a half years since my dad passed away and 2 years tomorrow for my son. Life is hard. It kills me that I never got to say goodbye to my son. I remember kissing his face in The Chapel Of Rest. Seeing him in a coffin haunts me. I remember seeing m...

Didn't feel like going out today, even said I didn't feel upto going out to my friends, but one of them said she needed her girls today. So I got dressed and went out with them. I didn't want to go because I really couldnt afford, one of my friends said it was her treat. We went The Man In Space and ive had a really lovely day. Had a mixed grill and a desert, we nipped Home Bargains for some bits and then back to one of my friends house for a cuppa. Its been a really lovely day. We're going Leek tomorrow to have a browse around and go for a cup of tea and cake somewhere.  I really do have the best friends I could wish for. They know its coming upto Jay-Dees anniversary of his death and they're so supportive. Im feeling thankful today. Ive had a right off stomach today though, all bloated and hard. Full of wind. Anyway, im back home and in my pjs. Im watching something called Nemesis on Netflix, its really good. Back to the school run in the morning, already not look...

I had my brother here yesterday from about dinner time till 7pm ish. Was a good day, kept my mind occupied. Today, ive been nipping in and out of the front garden trying sort it out. My arms are aching from using the hedge cutters. Im waiting for my canvas arrive of Jay-Dee that I ordered, it should of been here 2 days ago so im not happy. Ive got a big canvas of Jay-Dee up in my living room and im putting little canvases of him around it. Breaks my heart that all I have left are photos of him and my dad. I miss them both with all my heart. A few of my friends have asked me to go The Man In Space tomorrow for a meal, so that will be nice. We went there a few months back and the mixed grill was lovely. Be nice to have a catch up with them. I hate having to do life without my father and son. I feel guilty for doing things without them both. Im trying so hard to live, but everyday my heart hurts. In 3 days time it will be 2 years without Jay-Dee, it will also be my sisters birthday. We...

Just been gazing out of my kitchen window, stood watching all the little birds flying in and out of my hedges. Watching them fills me with so much peace.  Ive currently got my hedge cutters charging that my dad brought me. I did a big sigh that hes not here to help me with the garden which he always did. Jensen is going to help me do the hedges today and then the back garden is done. Jensen is such a good boy helping me. All my boys are good boys, im so proud of them all. I was so proud of Jay-Dee, gone way too soon. Feel a bit deflated today, but thats probably because ive been awake since 3am. Went the toilet and I just couldnt fall back asleep. Its 8:53am and im tired. Its going to be a long day. Im expecting a canvas today of Jay-Dee to go with all my other canvases i have around the house. One side of my stairs is filled with them. I just love having photos around me of my family. Keeps me going seeing their faces. Im so glad ive always taken photos because thats all I have le...

35 days until I go on holiday. Why did I book it a year ago thinking id be "better" by now? I was fucking delusional! Anxiety is kicking in big time about going. Ive brought nothing for myself to take. Jesse has 5 outfits to take which are lovely. There's still so much that I need to buy, with little money to get it all. What will be, will be. I keep telling myself that ill be fine once I get on the plane, but im so nervous. Ive always gone away with another adult, so its daunting going on my own with just Jasper and Jesse-John. I'll be ok wont I? Not done alot today, had my dad and son on my mind like always. Jensen took me collect my medication and then to Asda to get something for tea. We're having bacon and cheese oatcakes.  I miss my dad and son so much, life is just so cruel. Im dreading next Tuesday when it'll be 2 years for Jay-Dee. Can you imagine going 2 years without speaking to or seeing your child? It's torture. I speak to my dad and son every...

Finally, after months of putting it off, my hair has been done. Scalp bleach and a toner. Mum said that should be £90 in a salon, luckily my mums a hairdresser then isn't haha. Told her i loved her, thats my payment. My roots were horrendous, my hair looked so bad, but its all done now. Thank God. Ive been in and out of the house doing bits of sunbathing and I was just lying there looking up at the clouds and thought to myself, my dad and son are up there. It breaks my heart. A week today will be 2 years without my child. Honestly, I dont know how ive made it this far. Mum said to me, how am I doing, and I said I honestly wish I was dead. She said stop thinking like that and think of the boys. I said the only reason im alive is for the boys. I said if I didn't have them, id of been gone along time ago, she said I know. Jensen came and picked me up from mums bless him. Mum said I should visit more often, but she lives so far away it costs a fortune in taxis. I should make more o...