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April 20th Monday.

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Feel really deflated today. Ive been the cafe to meet my friends and I just felt like I dont fit in. Tried joining in, in conversation, but I literally have nothing to say. When I went my mates yesterday, she was telling me that shes dating someone and how her date went, and then she said hows things with me.. I had nothing to say, I just said I was ok. Ive got nothing going on in my life, nothing to talk about. How do you tell someone that not committing suicide is the main part of my day?.. I should be thankful really that I have a peaceful life I guess. Tomorrow will be 5 years since I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. If I hadnt of gone for my cervical screening I might not be here now. It was caught early, stage 1b I was. I guess i should be thankful that it was caught early and cut out, along with all my womb, ovaries, the lot. Plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. If I hadnt of been ontop of my smears my kids wouldnt have their mum, so thank God. My next appointment at the hospital shou...
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April 19th Sunday.

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So last night Jasper and Jesse-John went with Damian for a sleepover at 5:30pm, Jensen went Manchester for a friends birthday, so for the first time in forever I was home alone. Felt a bit lost, but enjoyed some me time. So I thought to myself, fuck the diet and I ordered myself a chicken tikka jelafraze with a garlic nan. I sat on my own and enjoyed it. Felt like a right fatty after, didn't eat it all, think my stomach has shrunk with dieting and fasting. Weighed myself this morning and ive only lost 2lb upto now this week. Bit shit really, but ill carry on doing what im doing. I slept in till half 9 this morning, woke up dead refreshed because I think I went sleep about half 9 last night haha. Anyway, ive been see my friend Rachael today and then nipped Home Bargains with Jensen. Went Asda get the stuff to make chilli for tea which Jensen asked for. Ive cooked tea and washed up. Plated everyone's food up and im done. Sat waiting for Jesse and Jasper to come and thats it. You ...
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April 18th Saturday.

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Not felt too bad today. Got up this morning, got ready and myself and Jesse went the shops so he could ride his bike. There's sun was shining and I felt ok. Its Damians birthday today, brought him some gifts and a cake off the kids. We've always brought each other presents off the kids even though we're not together. Its really nice. Hes just collected Jesse for a sleepover, Jasper has gone too. Jensen is in Manchester day drinking with a group of friends for one of their birthdays. I have the house to myself. I messaged Jensen saying stay safe and I love you. The same message I sent Jay-Dee before he died. Scares the shit out of me now when my kids go out, incase they dont come home. Losing a child can do that. You worry so much more about losing another child, its literally heartbreaking. Couldn't bare to lose another child. Just the thought of it scares the shit out of me. I know my kids are struggling with their mental health too and it worries me. Losing Jay-Dee ha...
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April 17th Friday.

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Just been to Jesse's assembly, Damian came with Mabel and Max and I just know that would have made Jesse's day. He absolutely loves them all to bits. Made me so proud seeing him standing at the front with his certificate. Im super proud of him. Anyway, I prayed last night when I closed my eyes that id see my dad and son in my dreams, and I did. My dad was dying still and I remember crying in my sleep, but Jay-Dee was absolutely fine. Im so happy I got to see them both. My dad is always dying in my dreams, its horrible. Absolutely loved seeing them both though and then I woke up.. gutted I woke up, but also thankful I did. Ive got a love hate relationship with life. Hate being alive, but also thankful I am to see my boys. Im living life in limbo, I miss my old life with my dad and son so much, but im sober now and I appreciate the little things. Seeing Jesse this morning collect his certificate made me realise how much he needs me and so do my other boys. I just wish I could be ...
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April 16th Thursday.

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Had a text off the school saying Jesse will be getting a certificate in assembly tomorrow morning and im welcome to attend. Hes worked super hard this week and he'll be getting a certificate. Super proud! Ive not told him as I want to surprise him in the morning when he sees me walk into his assembly to watch him. Hes no idea hes getting one. I think Damian is coming too, which will make Jesse's day. I was thinking about how depressed I am, along with grieving, but I always show up for my kids. I get my house work done. Just need to tackle the showering. Can't wait to see Jesse's little face light up when hes called up to the front of the assembly. Its little things like this that keep me going. My friend asked me if I wanted go out today and I turned her down. Just not feeling socialising. I went the cafe this morning and stayed for an hour and then my social battery ran out. I joined in with conversations as much as I could, ive just got nothing to say anymore. Unless...
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April 15th Wednesday.

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I dont take care of myself anymore, I dont put mascara on like i use to. I forget to spray my perfume before I leave the house and I dont buy myself any new clothes. Ive really let myself go. Having depression is horrible. Im trying to take some control back of my life by dieting. Maybe when im slimmer ill make more of an effort, I dont know. Im really trying my best with dieting, I really want to lose some weight. Well, alot of weight. Ive lost my identity and im struggling to find it, but im trying. I went the cafe this morning, dont know why I bother because I never have much to say. I just push myself to socialise. I could easily just shut the world out and stay indoors, but I know it wouldnt be good for me. Losing my father destroyed me, I can't cope with what's happened. Im struggling to process his death, and then my son dies. What was left of me, died. Ive never felt pain like im feeling. My heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I am so depressed, I can't ...
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April 14th Tuesday.

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Jesse's back in school, ive loved having him off over the holidays. Hes a good boy so hes been no mither at all. Had a cry at school, my friends grandad has passed away and we were talking about the death rattle you get just before you pass away. It took me back to watching my dad take his final breath. Absolutely horrendous. Her grandad brought her up, so its like her father has passed away. I told her the pain never goes away. It'll be 6 years in November for my dad and its still killing me everyday. 2 years in June for my son and again, it kills me everyday. It was nice been able to talk to someone that is going through what I am going through. Someone can relate to how I feel everyday. I know there's people all over the world that are feeling the pain im feeling and it breaks my heart. Life was never meant to be this way.. 7 days dieting and ive lost a whopping 11lbs. That's with having one meal a day, fasting and being in a calorie deficit. If I carry on like this ...
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