Cancer, Depression and Me.

Feel a bit shitty today. I look at myself and i just see an ugly person. Im 10 days off the weed and ive gained 2lb! How the fuck does that work? Ive been eating way less than I usually do, so how the fuck have I gained weight?? Crazy. Im going try doing a calorie deficit diet from Monday. Can't start a diet half way through the week. Diets always start on a Monday haha. Just dusted my fireplace and told my son i miss him as I was dusting his urn. Ever likely I feel a bit deflated. Told my dad I miss him too. If people could see me talking to the dead they'd think I was crazy. I talk to them both everyday. I tell them my problems because in my heart, I know they can hear me. My heart aches. God I miss them both so much. 55 and 21. No age to die. Jesse breaks up today, thank god. I need sleep. I keep waking up after 11pm thinking its morning. I woke up last night telling Jesse to take his coat off. God knows why. He was fast asleep and I woke him up telling him to take his coat ...

9 days off the weed. I miss it some times, but ill be £120 a month better off. My vape has nearly run out and i plan on quitting that tomorrow too. That's another £80 a month better off ill be. £200 a month on smoking is crazy so I need to quit. Im a strong woman ill do it. If I can do over 4 years with no alcohol, Im capable of anything. Cooked pork chops for tea and I just didn't like it. Don't like meat on the bone. Saying that, there was hardly any meat on them. They were tiny little chops. Waste of money. Ill stick to my pork loin steaks I buy. I slow cook them in gravy and they go lovely. Last night's tea was lovely. Homemade lasagne and fresh veg. I love cooking for my kids. Knowing they enjoy what I cook warms my heart. I love being a mum. I was so blessed to of birthed 4 boys. Don't feel too bad today, mentally speaking. Im doing ok. I have bad days and I have better days. Its just the way my life is going to be. Its the suicidal thoughts I have that are th...

Just had a workman here doing an asbestos check before I get a new thermostat next week and he knew Jay-Dee. He said he was a lovely lad and hes sorry for our loss. Made me well up. Im absolutely gutted. My son should still be here with me. Just watched a tiktok about my dad and im just heartbroken inside. Its the little things that trigger grief. I was doing ok this morning and now i could cry. God I miss them both so much. I hate being alive! I just want to see them both again. I know they'll understand why i can't go yet, my other boys need me. So I have to stay alive. Grief is hard. Anyway, ive paid for Valentines afternoon tea with Jesse today. That will take my mind off things if only for a short time. Everything's going good with Natalie. Could this be the year where I get some happiness? I deserve some and ive waited so long for it. Sat on my bed this morning and contemplated taking Jesse school, but I took him. He breaks up Thursday for a week. Ive been Asda and im...

Well, i went on my date. I went Asda first and brought a bunch of pink roses and a valentines teddy bear. I wanted to treat her. Start as I mean to go on. She had the biggest smile when I gave them to her. I was so nervous waiting outside Cafe Nero, but when I saw her walking towards me I had the biggest smile on my face. We chatted and before I left I gave her a kiss. Honestly feel like im on cloud 9 at the moment. Not felt happiness like this for years and years. I deserve this dont I. Got a smile on my face as I write this blog. Thank you Jesus for sending me someone to love. Im just so happy today. On my way home i got chatting to the Uber driver and he asked if I had any children and I said ive got 4 boys. He asked how old they were because he said i only look young, bless him. I said im 42, he said i only look in my 30s, but anyway, i didn't have the heart to tell him one of my sons passed away, so I just spoke like Jay-Dee was still alive. Anyway, Natalie has lost her sister...

Showered, wash, dried and straightened my hair this morning ready for my date tomorrow. Not going lie im a bit nervous, but im going to go. Met up with 3 of my friends today for a catch up. Jesse is having a sleepover at Damians so I have the bed to myself. Jasper is here, hes sleeping over. Ive just climbed into bed with my dog and im going sleep soon. Its not been a bad day mentally speaking. Tomorrow I will be a week off the weed. Its not been easy, but im trying my best and thats all I can do. Jesse breaks up Thursday for half term. Can't wait not have do the school run. Last night Natalie said 'why dont I stay up late, with it being a Saturday night?'. First of all, fuck off. I can go bed what ever time I want, but secondly im medicated morning and night and my night time meds make me sleepy. Pissed me off a bit when she said that. I can go sleep what ever time I want. I like being in bed for 9. Not got Jesse here now and im still in bed for 9 and I plan on going sleep...

Just sat thinking of the morning the police knocked on my door and told me my son was dead. I am absolutely heartbroken. I dont know how im ever going to come to terms with the death of my father and son. What's fucking wrong with me??! Grief is killing me. Damian said, am I telling the boys there's reasons to live and actually no im not. How can I give them reasons to live when I dont even want to be alive myself? I tell them we live for each other and thats all I can say. Im only alive today because my boys need me. We're all depressed, its just so sad. How am I meant to help my boys with their grief, when im drowning in my own? God life is hard! I was thinking about when my dad told me he had terminal cancer. I felt like id been winded. I can't seem to accept their deaths. Im messed up mentally. My heads a mess. I watched my dad deteriorate over 19 months. He was given 3-4 months without treatment, and 12-18 with, and he lived for 19 months. He didn't want to die...