Cancer, Depression and Me.

2 of my friends came to visit me today for a few hours. I was going to cancel, but I didn't. I needed to feel normal, even if it was only a few hours. I ended up having a breakdown and crying. I told them how depressed I am and how suicidal I feel. I was crying that badly that I could barely talk. I told them how bad my depression has been this past week and how much I want to end it all, but I couldnt bare to leave my children. I just got everything off my chest about how ive been feeling. They were so supportive and caring. I said about how ive thought about taking all my tablets one night before bed and not waking up, about how ive thought about hanging myself or jumping off the bridge in Hanley. I just got everything off my chest. I needed to tell someone about how bad im feeling. I literally broke my heart. I reassured them that I couldnt leave my kids. I couldnt bare my kids to feel the way I feel about losing a parent. I told my friends that I was already grieving my dad and...

Felt so low for a while now and can't seem to snap out of it. Thought id blogged yesterday, but I must of forgot. I can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I know they're dead, so why can't I deal with it. What am I doing wrong? In 3 months it will be 6 years since I lost my dad. Ive been grieving for years and years, and then I lost my son. Its been over 2 years since he killed himself and I just can't come to terms with losing them both. I see other people who have lost people they love and they're still living their life. I feel like my life has stopped and everyone around me is living. I dont know what to do to make things better.  Ive forced myself to get dressed today and have a walk to Heron with Jesse to get some pop and snacks in. We did taxi back though. Was nice to get some fresh air. I was having a hot sweat at the till and the lady said shes been having them for 8 years. Couldn't be bothered to tell her ive been going th...

As i sit here and think to myself, I can't do this anymore, I realise I have no choice. I am so depressed and suicidal. Im so fed up of feeling this way. I just dont see a way out other than death. I dont see a light at the end of this tunnel im stuck in. I dont see myself in the future. I just can't do this anymore. Im so tired of fighting for my life. Its draining me. Its 3.06pm, im still sat in my pjs. Ive hoovered around, ive polished my sons urn and my heart broke. Im really struggling with life. I just want to cry, but I hold it together for my kids. If only they knew how much I was struggling. I could just get into bed and sleep. Jensen asked me if I wanted go KFC drive through with him, ive said yes, but im going in my pjs. Ive got zero motivation to do anything, I have to force myself to do things.  Im broke, I have no money to do anything with its depressing. Life is just shit and ive had all I can take. I wish my boys would just let me go and be ok with it, but thats...

I hand on heart dont know how i get through each day. Im drowning in grief. I feel like i can't do this anymore. Im heartbroken. The days are passing me by and my grief is getting worse. I miss them more and more as the days go on. Ive got no motivation. Jesse has gone Chester Zoo and I was meant be meeting a friend, but ive got zero motivation. Im still sat in my pjs and its 3.45pm. Im so tired, I could just get into bed. I just need some time alone to gather my thoughts, I need a few days in bed to just lie there. I need to sit in a room by myself and just breathe. Can't do any of that though because of the boys and my animals. I guess its a blessing really because it forces me to get up.  I wish I could tell you how I feel inside, but its just numb. I want to scream at the world for taking my dad and son from me. I want to cry, but I have to stay strong for my boys.  To look at me you wouldnt know that I was dead inside. I smile and talk like im fine, but im not. Im far fro...

Spent the whole day thinking about my father and son and how much i miss them both, looking at photos and videos of the both of them. Im so heartbroken. My dad was my best friend and my son was my protector.  They say death changes you as a person, to lose two people you love really has changed me. Ive become quiet, an introvert you could say. I keep myself to myself. I have sober friends now, im a Christian. I pray for strength everyday. I listen to music lyrics, like, I hear what they're saying. I say i love you to my friends and family every single day. Im the most depressed ive ever been in my life.  Death didn't just change me, it flipped my world upside down. Im a broken woman learning to live this life like its my first time on earth. Everything feels new to me, I get scared of going to the shop on my own, death gave me anxiety amongst everything else. Im never going to feel peace until im dead. Until im reunited with me father and son. My world is dark, everything feel...

Just sitting on my settee scrolling through tiktok and I just had a thought about hanging myself from my loft.. why is my brain like this? I just envisioned myself hanging from my loft. I thought to myself, ive got step ladders to get up there to tie a noose. The medication im on is stopping me from doing it, thank god, but the thought is still there.  Im just not happy being alive. I dont tell anyone about my suicidal ideation, I just blog about it. My kids are the reason I dont act on my thoughts, but what if one day I do? Im tired of being strong. I know one day ill just end it all and be done with life. I just haven't chose what day yet.. Luckily my brother is coming to visit me for a few hours so that'll keep my mind occupied.  Jesse has got his own cash card now and myself and Damian have sent him money, so ive just added it to his ps5 so he can buy things for himself. Hes growing up too fast.  One day my kids wont need me and thats when ill go.