Cancer, Depression and Me.

Dreamt about Jay-Dee last night, then I woke up.. Gutted. I miss my son so much, i miss my dad, but losing a child is the worst pain imaginable. My heart aches. I could cry.  Ive lost a part of me when my dad and son died, a massive part of myself. I died inside.  Anyway, Jasper has just come. Hes been the orthodontist. Jesse is off school, yesterday and today hes made out hes not very well. I think he doesnt want go because hes being bullied. Ive told the school numerous times that hes being bullied and nothing gets done. Sick of it. I'll end up home schooling him.  Im making a pasta bake for tea with a side salad with cottage cheese. Can't stop thinking about seeing Jay-Dee in my dream last night, it felt so real and then we wake up. Cruel really isn't it?. Some days it still doesn't seem real that my dad and son are gone forever. Feel like im living a nightmare everyday. Anyway, i dont have much to say, feel a bit deflated if im honest. Wish id never of woken up and ...

Jesse's with Damian, he has been for a couple of hours now. Ive been to see a few of my friends, had a cuppa and a catch up. Jensen collected me not long ago and we've nipped Asda for a few bits. I say a few bits, I spent £52 in about 10 minutes.. wtf. Im going cook tea soon. Spag bol tonight. Today hasn't been a bad day. Its always the evenings that get me down, when Jasper goes home and Jensen and Jesse are in their bedrooms, gaming. Its when I sit with my own thoughts, thats when I miss my dad and son the most.. I think about them both all throughout the day and night, regardless of how im feeling. I still think about them. This day next week will of been 6 years since my dad passed away. 6 years! How have I made it through the last 6 years with everything thats happened? I didn't just lose my dad and son, I lost myself along the way. I became quiet, I look for Robins in my garden. I say hello to Butterflies. Im empathetic, I see everything more clearly. I dont stres...

Bedding is stripped, washed and dried, ready for me to put it all back on. Love having clean bedding to climb into at night, but god do I hate making the bed. Making a chicken dinner later for tea, can't wait for that. Im having a pj day today watching Bones on Netflix.  Got my dad and son on my mind alot today, I miss them so much. I slept in till 10am today and I still feel shattered. I could just sleep my life away. Ive got my Christmas decorations up and my living room feels so cosy with my tree lights on. I know ive put them up early, but I really dont care. Wanted to bring a bit of happiness into our lives, so thought id put them up. My cat is still living upstairs through the day, until I go bed and then he gets the run of the house. Hes calmed down loads, im just scared of him.  Its 1.40pm and my eyes feel so tired and heavy. Might have a nap.. Look at my little tree 🎄

Feel so deflated today, had a shit sleep last night which doesnt help. I keep thinking about how long ive been grieving for and I know it will never end until I die. It makes me so sad that I will be feeling this way forever. I can't stop the grieving process, im just trying to live with it. Some days are heavier than other days and today grief feels heavy. Im also worried about Jesse, he doesnt want to go to school anymore because hes being bullied, its been going on for months now. Im always ringing the school to tell them and it seems nothing is getting done. Other than pulling him out of school, im not sure what to do. Im a Christian, so belting the parents isn't an option haha. Trying to be a better person. Seriously though, something needs doing about the bullying because Jesse hates going school and it makes me sad. God i miss my dad and son so much, im so sad. Im such a sad person since they passed away. Grief is killing me. Im desperately trying to find myself, but i d...

Damian is collecting Jesse after he finishes work about 5pm, for fireworks at his house with Mabel and Max. Jesse has come straight home from school and got changed. He absolutely loves being with Damian.  Im going nip my brothers for an hour when he goes, get me out of the house for an hour. I didn't do the school run this morning, I was so tired. I waited for Jesse go in school then i went back sleep with the dog on the settee under Jasper's blanket. Was lovely and cosy. Ive had the heating on all day, i think its gone so cold. I love these early dark nights with Christmas tree up, makes the living room so cosy.  Not really got alot to talk about today, i feel ok mentally. Thought about my dad and son like I always do, but ive not stayed sad. Ive done some washing and dried and folded it. Was going make a spag bol for tea, but forgot the cheese. You can't have a spag bol with no cheese, so ill buy cheese tomorrow and make it tomorrow for tea. Thats it for today. Happy Bon...

Spent the morning with my sister Christmas shopping,  we went a coffee shop and had banana bread latès, which were delicious. I picked some Nivea body sets up and said to my sister they're for Jay-Dee and.. then I stopped myself and said they're for Jensen and Jasper. Made me sad.  15th of this month will be 6 years since my dad passed away. 6 years of living with heartbreak. 6 years have flown by. So much has happened since dad passed away. I had cancer, dads partner, Sharon died, Russ a good friend of dads passed away and my beautiful son died. Its been really tough on my heart. The only reason im still standing is because my boys need me or id be dead already.. Anyway, im trying to have a good day. Loved meeting up with my sister, I speak to her everyday, but we dont see each other much, so it was lovely to go shopping together.  Im making a curry for tea with rice.  Ive been wrapping my presents as I buy so i dont leave it all till last minute. Doesn't matter how...