Cancer, Depression and Me.

How i wish my father and son could of stayed.. Life has been extremely difficult since they went away. My heart aches daily. I think about suicide at least once a day, everyday day. I wish I could just end my life and be done with, but I can't do it to my children. I can't leave them feeling the way I feel. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. The pain I feel on a daily basis is killing me. Everyday i fight to survive yet another day. Im simply surviving.  After id been the cafe this morning, I walked to the chemist to collect my medication. Doesn't seem like much, but to me it was alot. I can't remember the last time I collected my own medication. My anxiety eats away at me, but today I got it myself and im proud of myself. Im pushing myself to do more, im trying my best to get better mentally. Walked to Asda to do some shopping, im proud of myself. Its the little things that make a big difference.  Im making the kids favourite for tea and it was always Jay-Dees favour...

Jensen and Jasper booked the Vue today to watch the new Michael Jackson movie. It was absolutely brilliant. Considering it was on for over 2 hours, I could of watched even more. Absolutely loved it. Jensen treated us to a Subway and then we nipped Homebargains for some Monster energy drinks. Ive eaten so much the past few days so im definitely getting back on my diet tomorrow. Back to calorie counting. Ive had 2 things delivered today for my holiday and guess what, they dont fucking fit because im a fat cow!! Definitely dieting from tomorrow and im going to be strict with myself. Ive got to lose some weight before I go away!  Going out today with 2 of my boys has made me feel so happy. Im glad that they still want to do things with their mum as they get older. Im so blessed. It did make me feel sad when we were sitting in the cinema, that Jay-Dee wasn't with us. Hes missed so much, so is my dad, but days like today give me hope. A glimpse of happiness. Im at my happiest when im wit...

Its 4:20pm now, Jesse went Damians last night for a sleepover and to go Max's birthday party this morning. Hes still not home. He absolutely loves his days with Damian. The bond they have is beautiful.  Literally forced myself to go see Rachael today, not long got back. She talks and I listen because ive never really got alot to say anymore. I join in with conversations the best I can, but I have to force myself. Im just cooking a curry for the boys, ive had egg sandwiches. Im obsessed with egg sandwiches at the moment. Im doing a load of washing so I can peg some outside whilst its nice. The weekend is nearly over, it goes by so fast. Want to do another full week of school for Jesse. Going my sisters after school Friday for a bbq which will be nice. Ill be meeting her new boyfriend. Everyone is moving on in life and I feel like im stuck grieving.. im so fed up of being alive, even on my better days like today, im still sad. My dad was in my dreams last night, can't remember th...

Was meant be going my mums today with my sister, but im not feeling the best. Ive got no motivation at all. So fed up of being depressed. A photo of Jay-Dee and his best friends came up on my memories and it broke my heart. I see his friends all doing things, going out etc and it breaks my heart that my son is no longer here doing things with them. I got dressed, decided I wasn't going out today and got back into clean pjs. Sick and tired of feeling the way I do. Wish I could just end my life and be done with. My dad was 55 and my son was 21, its killing me inside that they're both gone. They had so much more life to live, its just not fair! Grief is destroying me. Cancelling plans like going my mums today because ive got no interest in being around people. Grief and depression are ruining my life. I dreamt last night that we were on holiday, this holiday is really playing on my mind. I wish id never booked it, but ive paid for it all now, so ive got to go. Don't know why i...

When you lose someone you love, you gain an angel you know.  Feel a bit deflated today, feeling low. Ive got photos of my dad and son all around my house, makes my heart sad when I look at them, but also gives me a little bit of comfort having their pictures around me. I miss them so much, my heart really hurts. Wish I could just climb into bed and just lie there, thats how I feel today. The world is just passing me by, and im stuck in grief. Feel so fed up today. Im sat on my own contemplating life. I read something yesterday on Facebook about a woman who lost her only son and shes going to Switzerland I think it was, so she could end her life. If i didn't have 3 other children that need me, id happily end my life. I'd love to just end this pain that I feel inside. Depression will take my life one day, I just know it. I was thinking about how on one random day we'll just die. You never know when your time is up. Dying doesnt scare me, leaving my kids behind does. Losing my...

Jesse's nearly done a full week at school, contemplated letting him have the day off this morning because I was tired, but I pushed through it and took him. Another day of hanging on by a thread. Be glad when school is over and I get to see Jesse. So tired of being tired. Its a tiredness that sleep can't fix. Tired of doing life. Jensen is working from home so im not on my own, thank god. Jasper will be here a bit later and all thats missing is my Jay-Dee. Makes me sad. I use to see my dad every single day, hed always call in straight from work and we'd have a couple of beers together. If only he could see me now, sober. Over 4 years sober. Its crazy. Hope they're both proud of me. I miss seeing Jay-Dees face when hed come home from work. I just miss them both so much. Diets going shit this week, think ill just write it off and start again next week. Going see my mum Saturday, my sister is going too so it'll be nice have a get together. Not seen my mum in ages.  Jus...