Cancer, Depression and Me.

I dreamt about my dad last night, he was dying in my dream again. I remember waking up crying. It was horrible. Why do I keep dreaming about his death? Its absolute torture. I miss him so much its killing me.  Gone on tiktok and there was a tiktok of Jay-Dee on my memories and my heart broke all over again. I miss my son. Didn't take Jesse school today, we slept in, hes got a dentist appointment at 12.55pm so just thought id keep him off anyway. I feel like shit today mentally. Dreaming of my dad dying has made me feel so sad inside. Im going visit my brother after we've been the dentist, get us both out of the house a few hours. Grief feels heavy today. I could cry. I woke myself up crying through the night, thats not happened in a long time. I hate reliving my dads death, but thats the price we pay I guess for holding him as he died. I will never forget seeing my dad take his last breath. It will haunt me forever. I got to say goodbye to my dad, I never got the chance to say ...

My Christmas tree and decorations are up. Ive hung 4 stockings, might only have 3 children with me, but Jay-Dee will always be included.  Ive put everything up for Jesse really, I might not be in the Christmas spirit, but I do it for my boys. Christmas is a hard season for me, I use to visit my dad every Christmas day and id always have my 4 boys here with me. Jay-Dee use to roll out of bed about dinner time to open his presents haha, Jensen is the same. I miss my dad and son so much. Im carrying grief better these past few days. Im sad, ill always be sad, but im carrying it better. Some days are really hard and some days are easier on my heart. Making Jay-Dees favourite for tea tonight, chilli. I always use to give Jay-Dee a bigger portion than his brothers because I knew how much he loved it. Jensen chose tea tonight. I could cry, but I wont. I always feel like I could cry. There's a sadness inside of me that will be with me until I die. Just got to keep going. Can't wait see...

Merry Christmas haha, Halloween is over and Christmas begins. Ive pulled my decorations out from under my stairs and im in 2 minds whether to put them up today or not.  Its not the same anymore since my dad and son died, I can't describe it, but im just not as festive as I use to be. I miss them both all throughout the year, but the holiday season is hard. Back to school tomorrow, ive absolutely loved having Jesse off. We've had cosy lie ins everyday and hes such a good boy, its been lovely to have him off.  My kitchen is over run with recycling because my blue bin is full until it gets emptied tomorrow morning. We had a chicken dinner last night for tea and it was lovely, Jesse asked for another today, but ill do one through the week now. I started wrapping presents yesterday, going to wrap as I buy so i dont leave all the wrapping till last minute like I usually do. Can I be bothered to put my decs up, the thought of putting a tree up is putting me off. I feel so tired today...

Jesse has been so excited all morning because he was going to a Halloween party at Damians at 2pm and then Trick or Treat after. Hes been counting down for Halloween for the past 2 weeks haha bless his little innocent heart. Jesse went at 2pm, me and Jensen went Asda and I came out 50 pound lighter, but weve got a chicken dinner slow cooking for tea. Can't wait. Ive been wrapping presents, ill wrap as I buy so its not all left till last minute.  My mum did a Diamond Art of Jay-Dee and it arrived today. I'll post a pic at the end. I made a photo on ChatGPT of all my boys and it also arrived today, so ive framed it. I'll post that pic too at the end. I feel ok today, ive kept myself busy and im doing ok. One more lie in then back to the school run. Might put my Christmas decorations up next week.🎄 And thats my day..

Grief isn't so heavy today, so i got dressed and myself and Jesse have been to visit my brother for a few hours. Broke my day up and I got some fresh air.  Ive completed The Mentalist last night, it was brilliant. Im just starting Bones, its meant be brilliant, so we'll see. Think there's like 17 or more seasons so this is going to take a while. Jesse and I are relaxing on the settee now. Jasper will be across soon and Jensen asked if we could get Burger king for tea. I'll never be skinny. Ive given up trying to lose weight, its impossible whilst im taking Olanzopine. I was thinking of coming off it, to lose some weight, but I really need it to stop me from killing myself. So looks like im staying on it. Life's too short to worry about my weight, I could be dead tomorrow.  Since losing my dad and son I dont really care about anything. People moan about the little things in life and I think to myself, my dad and son are dead and people moan about stupid things. I see...

Its been a long day. Its 8.31pm now. Jasper will he going within the next half an hour and ill he going to bed. Im so tired.  Jasper's given me some money to buy us all a steak tomorrow for me to cook for tea to go with some veg and pepper corn sauce.  Ive felt ok today, not really done much. I made a portrait of my boys using ai and ive got it coming to put in a frame. I'll show you. Short blog today, im tired and I just want go bed. Jay-Dee is the one in the salmon coloured jumper. Jensen has got the facial hair. Jasper is wearing a hoody and Jesse in the grey t shirt.  Love my boys so much.