May 6th Wednesday.

Can someone please tell me how to find happiness again? Im so sad. My father and son are on my mind all day, everyday. I think about their deaths and how much its destroyed my life. Im thinking of dying my hair dark, im fed up of having roots. My hair looks a mess and im sick of it. Its adding to my depression. Ive put 2 hair dyes in my Amazon basket for when ive got some money and im going brown. Its time for a change. Ive had a shit day today mentally speaking. Went the cafe to see a few friends, told one of them that my mental health is bad and she said she knows. It must be because I dont talk much, I wouldnt bother going, but I have to force myself to socialise so I dont get even more depressed. Im so fed up of doing this life, but I just can't give up. I have to show up for my kids. I dont see the point in me being alive, im sad all the time and im sick of it. Sick and tired of grieving and i know its a forever thing. I can't live like this forever. I told my friends this morning that i dont want to grow old and id be happy if I died around 50. They were saying noooo haha, but I was being serious! I dont want to grow old because im desperate to see my son and dad again. I need to go and see a Medium, im desperate to hear off them both. I want to know that my son is with my dad, I want to hear that they're both ok. I need to find a Medium. Maybe ill feel better when ive heard from them both, who knows. Diets going shit. I just need to make peace with the fact that im a bigger girl now. Thank you Menopause and medication!! Fuck sake! Im alive and thats the main thing. Just making it through each day without killing myself is an achievement. Heres to another day of hanging on by a thread...