May 18th Monday.

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Ive got Jay-Dees funeral song playing over and over in my head. Such a beautiful song that Damian chose. Its one of Damians favourite songs hes loved since he was young. The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars. Ive got those lyrics tattooed above my knee on my right leg with Jay-Dees name underneath. My dad's funeral song was Burning Love by Elvis Presley haha. Dad was a massive ACDC fan, so when his coffin was carried in I chose Highway To Hell by ACDC. I know he would of loved that. When Jay-Dees coffin was carried in we had The Smiths This Charming Man playing. It was Jay-Dees and his best mate Brad's favourite song and for my dad's and Jay-Dees last song we had How Long Will I Love You, by Ellie Golding playing. Makes my heart break just talking about it. Ive sat front row at two funerals and it kills me. Ill never heal from what's happened, no matter how much time has passed. Grief will kill me. Im so broken hearted. Didn't take Jesse school today, hes being bullied and doesn't want to go. Ive spoken to the school a few times now over the past few weeks about it and they've rang me today. Im hoping something gets done because I dont smack my kids so why should some child get away with smacking my child! Im so tired today, I sleep through because im medicated, but im always tired. That'll be the depression and grief. Its draining. Ive got no motivation with life. Im tired of being alive. Im dead inside, i get up everyday for my kids. If I didn't have them id be dead already. Just got to keep carrying on, got no choice but to show up everyday. My kids need their mum. Jensen is back from his holiday tomorrow I think. That week went fast! Can't wait to see him. Hes going to have the holiday blues when hes back, he always does haha. Anyway, thats it for today. Might have a nap...

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