May 23rd Saturday.

Im so lost in life, i dont know how to find myself. I was just thinking about the fact that i only stayed my sisters for a couple of hours because they were drinking and I wasn't. After all these years im still struggling with sobriety and being around drinkers. I could of easily had a drink yesterday, but I chose to walk away. My kids deserve a sober mum, a present mum. I might be depressed, but im sober and thats the main thing. Im just really struggling with life. I just dont want to be alive anymore, its so sad. I was going say I dont know what happened in life to make me feel this way, but I do, my dad died, I had cancer, my son died. Im a broken woman. Death really changes you as a person, its the worst thing thats ever happened to me. I just dont see how life will get any better. How can it without my dad and son? How do you come back from losing people you love so deeply? I dont think ill ever get better regardless of how much medication my psychiatrist chucks at me. Nothing is working. She wanted me do more counselling, but I told her im just not ready. Its hard enough keeping myself alive. Ive got take Jesse a birthday party today at 4pm and all my friends are going to be there, there'll be no alcohol, so ill be ok. I'll wear my smile and act like everything's ok, but deep down, we all know im far from ok. Im just dead inside. I just want to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I just want to be left alone. In just over a week it will be 2 years since ive seen my child. I can't even put into words how devastated I am. Im dreading June 2nd the day he died. Ill visit his flower bed and take flowers and ill cry. Can you imagine going 2 years without seeing your child? It's doesnt seem real, I keep expecting him to walk through the door and this all be one big nightmare. I honestly can't wait to die and see my father and son again..