May 13th Wednesday.

-
I napped today, I never sleep in the day, but i felt so tired. The weather doesnt help, its been chucking it down all day and every now and then the sun pops out. Crazy weather. Was meant be getting my hair done tomorrow, but ive cancelled. I really haven't got the energy sit for hours getting my roots done. Ill get it done next week I think. Thankful that my mum is a hairdresser haha. Not sure how I feel today, im not happy and im not sad. I just feel blah. Not ecstatic to be alive, wouldnt mind dying, but thankful im not dead. Went the cafe this morning, honestly dont know why I go because I dont really contribute to any conversations, I just force myself to go and socialise. Ive got Jasper and Jesse sat with me now, Jensen is in Colombia on his holiday. Ive made chilli tacos for tea with grated cheese, guacamole and salsa sauce. Everyone in the house loves tacos. Considering I had a little sleep today im still mega tired. Can't wait get in bed. Miss my dad and son, but thats nothing new. Just got to keep making it through each day..

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

March 1st Sunday.

-
Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...
Read more

June 2nd Monday. 1 year.

-
1 year today my first born son tragically passed away. A whole year without my child. The pain I feel inside is unimaginable. I'm hurting, like really hurting. My beautiful boy. I'll never get to see his face again, I'll never get to tell him I love him. Today is hard day. I knew it would be hard, I just didn't realise it would knock me off my feet. I'm a mess. I look a mess and I feel a mess. How am I meant to live each day without one of my children? How have I made it through this past year? How am I not dead already? I fantasise about my death. I thought about making a noose the other day and hanging myself. I wanted to self harm yesterday but I made myself leave the house and go my friends to change my way of thinking. Its been a year today since I last harmed. I honestly don't understand how I'm getting through each day. I don't want to be here anymore, I haven't wanted to be alive for years now. How much longer have I got to live with this pai...
Read more