May 12th Tuesday.

Im always going to feel sad, even when im happy. I was happy yesterday celebrating Jesse's birthday, but I also felt sad that his brother wasn't with us celebrating. Its so hard having all my boys together knowing one of them is in heaven. I tried my best yesterday to not show sadness. I genuinely smiled when we were out, but still felt sadness. I know its always going to be this way. Just looked at a photo of my dad on Facebook and my heart sank. I miss my dad and son so much it breaks my heart. Jensen has gone on holiday this morning, hes travelling to Colombia. A week without my son. If only Jay-Dee was just on holiday.. still can't believe its nearly 2 years without him, I honestly dont remember the last 2 years. Its like I blink and time passes me by. Its crazy. The strength I get from my children everyday amazes me. They really do keep me alive. Im tired today, didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but Jesse can't have anymore time off. He'll be having the Friday off when they break up for half term because hes going for a sleepover at Warwick Castle with Damian and then he'll be off for a week when we go on holiday. I just know ill end up with a fine. Oh well. Im so heartbroken. I'd give anything to see my dad and son again, but I know its not possible and it kills me inside. Im always going to be grieving. Days like yesterday make me realise that I can be happy, but sad at the same time. Ive just got to try my best with life. I am trying.