May 22nd Friday.

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Saw my psychiatrist at dinner time, told her how im suicidal most days and i just dont see a point in me being alive. She said should she be worried and I assured her that I dont want to act on my suicidal ideation. I said I couldnt bare to leave my children. So along with Venlafexine and Olanzopine, ill be taking Mitazapine as well now. All this medication wont bring my dad and son back. Life's hard work, but i refuse to give up..
Jesse went at half 10 this morning for his sleepover at Warwick Castle, I went my sisters to meet up with her and my brother. After a couple of hours id had enough. They were drinking and I wasn't. Feel like I dont fit in anymore. 4 years and 5 months sober and I still have hard days. Its like im living a fucking nightmare that I can't wake up from! Im screaming inside!! 
Im in so much pain mentally, i feel dead inside.
Jasper is here now, so im not on my own now. Just been telling him about my psychiatrist and I told him ill never leave him and his brothers. I said how they keep me going. My reasons to live.
Anyway, Jensen is at work, Jesse's not back till tomorrow afternoon, so myself and Jasper are getting a take away for tea. Not sure what I want yet, ill order later.

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