Cancer, Depression and Me.

Im really struggling today mentally. I feel so depressed its unreal. Im so tired today, ive got no energy at all. I want to take Jesse the park but I also cant bring myself to leave the house. Being mentally unwell is fucking hard work! Ive put my head on my hands and prayed today, ive prayed for strength and ive prayed that my dad and son are safe. What id give to see my son just one more day. Oh my heart aches. My main focus today is just getting through today. Thats my focus everyday, just making it to the next. I cant keep living like this, something has got to give before I end up giving up on life.

I was doing so well yesterday and then last night I went into my sons room and broke my heart. It shouldnt be this way, he should still be here. How am I ever going to get the strength to empty his room? I know theres no rush, but will I ever get the strength to sort his things out? His work clothes are still in a pile in the livingroom, where id leave them freshly washed on a sunday night for him. Cant bring myself move them either. Moving his things would mean that hes gone and im not mentally ready for that yet. Its only been 8 weeks. I talk to my son daily and I always end up asking him, 'why?'. I feel deflated today, ive been to the shops with Jesse and now im back home feeling drained. They say time is a healer but I dont think that applies when you lose a child. Everyday I expect him come walking through the door and he never does, and my heartbreaks all over again. I long to see my son in my dreams but im still waiting. I pray that God keeps my son safe along with my fa

The sun is shinning and ive taken Jesse to 2 parks today with my sister and her kids. For the hours I was out, everything felt normal. It took my mind off everything thats happened. Then you come back home and hits you all over again. Ive decided I want to learn to drive, but im 40 now. Am I too old? Surely not. So thats what I want to do. Ill wait until Jesse starts back school in September, but id really love to be driving. Also, it will give me something to focus on, even if its only 1 lesson a week. That 1 lesson could save my sanity. Im tired and its only 3pm, its taken it of me going to 2 different parks, I feel drained. I didnt have much energy to start with but I dont want Jesse missing out on having some fun in the sun. Regardless of how I feel, as a mother we put a smile on our faces and we show up for our children. You know, I was out for 4 hours and I barely spoke. I told you ive got nothing in me anymore. That being said, I am feeling a bit better today. The fresh air must

Ive done some food shopping, got my washing in off the line and now im drained. 8 weeks today since my son passed away and the days are getting harder. Ive still got nothing to say, theres nothing inside of me. The sun is shinning but a veil of darkness covers me. How am I meant to be happy, when im filled with sadness. Jesse is going out with Damian again. Damian is hurting inside but gets the strength to still do things everyday with the kids, I, on the other hand feel dead inside. Ive got no motivation at all. The day my son died, I died too inside. Ive not got anything to talk about, unless we chat about my deceased son? He was such a good looking boy, he was a hard worker and he was weeks away from being a qualified brick layer. He was doing an apprentiship, going college one day a week and working the rest of the week. No one knew but, I always use to cut his hair on top and hed go to a barbers for a skin fade on the back and sides. I knew how he styled his hair and im a qualifie

Im sick of taking medication everyday just to stay afloat! I dont drink alcohol anymore and I feel like I dont fit in. Why is my life a battle? Im so fucking fed up of feeling how I feel. Surely ive got to be due a break in life? I spoke to the coroner yesterday, there will be an inquest into my sons death as it was, an 'unnatural cause of death'. His death has gone down as 1a, multiple injuries and 2, caused by MDMA and Ketamin. Everything that will be read out at the inquest, was sent via the post to me yesterday, thats going to be a hard read. This day 8 weeks ago, I messaged my son saying 'stay safe and I love you' and he never came home. It kills me inside every single day. Ive not self harmed for 8 weeks, but I think about doing it. It gives you a release from the pain inside, but I know its not a healthy coping mechanism. My eye is getting better because my mum brought me some eye drops, so thats one thing going right for me, I guess.. My plans for today are self

Ive had a swollen left eye for 3 days now, my top eye lid is all bruised and swollen. I started using eye drops yesterday so I just hope they work. Ive not banged it or anything, it just started to feel sore and now I look like the elephant man! My mum said its because im run down. Run down would be an understatement. Im not doing anything today, im not leaving the house. I went to see Zoe yesterday for a few hours. It was nice, but after a few hours I needed to come home. My social battery ran out, id had enough of talking. I just wanted to be back home to sit in my own missery. God, I look and feel a complete mess. Its only dinner time and I already want to go back bed. You ever felt so tired of life? Like your tiredness is beyond tired? If I didnt have my other 3 kids, I wouldnt bother getting out of bed. It would be nice if one day I went to bed and didnt wake up. Sleeping forever sounds perfect to me.

Ive felt low today, the same as any other day, but today I managed to deal with it better. I talk to my son everyday and I honestly believe he can hear me. When you die, you dont just die, well thats what I think anyway. I feel like im a spiritual person. I like to believe theres life after death. I meditate some times to chakra music and I believe ive had a spiritual awakening. After my dads death, the way I saw life changed. Its weird to describe but I forgive more now. Im empathetic with everyone and everything. My whole outlook on life changed. It made me realise how short life can be. Im a laid back person, I use to be so angry at the world and now I just dont care anymore. I dont really care if I live or die, I guess thats part of being mentally unwell isnt it? One day im going to be so happy and ill blog about it, and we'll all be shocked, but im determined to find happiness. When youre as mentally low as I am, the only way is up! Right?

You know, I remember telling my dad maybe a month or so before he died, that I needed £1500 upfront before the funeral home would take his body, and when he died I found £1500 he had saved. Even in his darkest days he found the way to help me. I miss my father so much. I still relive his dying days, im clearly someone who cant deal with death. As morbid as I am, im struggling with death. When I had cancer, 6 months after my dad passed away, I was convinced I was going to die and I survived, and everyday ive asked myself why? Why did I survive but my dads cancer killed him. He had Esophageal cancer and it starved him to death. It haunts me. I held my dad as he took his final breath. I didnt see my son die but I envision him dead, because I knew how he died and where he was, I have horrifying images in my head. I saw him in the chapel of rest and it haunts me. I have a photo of my dad in his coffin and I took one of my son but I had to delete it. I couldnt keep a photo of him looking the

I went out with Zoe today, Jesse had fun, but I came home and had the biggest breakdown on the phone to my sister. Been out of the house made me realise im not ready, it made me realise how dead I am inside. I listened to Zoe talk about her life and so she should, but it made me realise that there is no point in my existance. I had no life to talk about, I am dead inside and my body just wont give in. Im sat crying as I type, I dont know how to get through this 'new' life without my child. As a parent you never ever think youd lose a child and then one day it happened. 7 weeks and 1 day ago, it happened to me and my whole world came crashing down. My heart shattered into a million pieces, my world went dark. I was fighting so hard to get better after the death of my father and then my son died... I seem to have lost my identity, ive not got a clue who I am or why I am still alive. Its easy for people to say, "your other boys need you", its all I ever hear but when you

7 weeks since my first born child passed away. 7 weeks without seeing his face or hearing his voice. 7 weeks of heartache and pain. 7 weeks of feeling empty inside. Im in a support group on facebook for bereaved parents, its called 'i miss my son' and there are people in that group that have lost their child years ago and are still struggling with life. Its never going to get better is it? Apparently, we learn to live with the pain but it never goes away. Jesse has gone swimming this morning with Damian and his brother and sister and im stuck indoors trapped in my own thoughts. I need to wash my hair today but we all know my views on that. I hate washing it! Ive done some washing and pegged it out and thats my day. Same shit, different day. Im going out for dinner tomorrow with my ex Zoe, oh yeah, im gay by the way. I came out late in life, i was 32.. im 40 now. Itll do me good get out of the house for a few hours. Zoe and myself started to drift apart when I stopped drinking b

Ive been to visit my mum today, not seen her since the funeral and before the funeral it was well over 6 months since I last saw her. It was nice, if only for a couple of hours. I barely spoke whilst I was there, I could cry as I write this. I barely said 10 words, ive got nothing in me anymore. I had nothing to talk about and all I wanted to talk about was my dead son, so I simply didnt talk. Can you stop talking after loss? Can you go mute? It scares me how dead I am inside. Will I ever come back from the death of my child? I have so many questions with zero answers! Arrrrgggghhhhhhh somebody tell me ill get better, please! I cant live the rest of my days feeling how I feel. Im praying I get better mentally before its too late. If somethinig doesnt change I wont be alive come the end of this year, and that breaks my heart. I dont want to die, but I dont want to live like this.

Had a bad day yestersday, the day went so slow and all I could think about was my son, I dont really feel any better today, but I know its something im going to have to learn to live with. The death of a child hurts deep within my soul. I long to see his face. I keep looking through photos of him and its just not fair. Why hasnt my son visited me in my dreams yet? Its Friday today, the kids break up for the 6 week holidays. Its non uniform day but I didnt realise so now im sat feeling like a bad mum because ive taken Jesse in his uniform. My heads up my arse! Jesse started choking on his food about 10 days ago so ive taken him the doctors before school today, theyre getting in touch with a paediatrician, so lets hope it gets sorted soon. I know youre probably thinking, why has it taken me 10 days to get him to the doctor, but if im honest, I just thought he wasnt chewing his food properly. Anyway its getting sorted now. I need to get out of the house over the 6 week holidays or ill end

Haw fast things can change, I was feeling ok,  but sad, like I said and then I ended up in tears thinking about my son in the stars. Grief really does come in waves. My son Jensen is off work today and saw I was upset so he took me to Costa coffee to get me out of the house. He's such a good boy, he looks after me. It's hard on me losing a son, but my other sons have lost their brother. Its got to be so hard for them. I don't think I'll ever heal from losing my child, I don't think you can come back mentally after the death of a child. They say you have a life before the death of a child and then a new life starts after the death. I've got to program my brain differently now my child has gone. But how? I don't want a new life, I don't want my brain to be reprogrammed. I just want to see my child. Just one last time please let me see my child. I am a mother to 4 boys, only now one lives in heaven and my heart breaks all over again.

Jesse's gone Alton Towers today with Damian, and ive walked to the chemist for my medication, and Asda, alone. Might not seem like much but that is a big thing for to do. Honestly my anxiety some days doesnt alow me to leave the house. Its horrible. I feel like sadness trickles through my veins like rain coming from the sky. I try to do "normal" things and im still filled with sadness. 6 and a half weeks without my son, my heart aches. I feel like im covered with a veil of heartache. Its Wednesday today, im going to visit my mum Saturday. We use to be so close but we sort of drifted apart. We message daily but we dont see each other much. It will be nice to get out of the house and visit family. Lifes too short isnt it? How am I feeling? Im ok, but im sad. Does that make sense? Its hard to describe because I know im having a better day mentally, but im still filled with sadness. I dont want to die today so thats something good, right? You know, I have a pug called Sicily

For someone that is obsessed with death, I somehow cant deal with the death of my father and son. Im a very morbid person and im not scared of dying, but losing my own family hurts, it really fucking hurts. It should of been me not my son. Ive wanted to die for so long but its not my time, is it? Im tired today, im tired of life. Its a battle everyday to be ok. I spend alot of time staring at my sons urn, its like a tiny coffin and my heart breaks. How am I meant to get better mentally? I dont know how to 'get better'. Im highly medicated, yet im still depressed.. Im doing the bare minimum everyday, ill do a wash or empty the dryer, or do my dishes and thats it. The smallest of things zaps all my energy. Life has got to get better for me, I couldnt possibly feel any lower than I do now, so the only way is up isnt it? It took me over 3 years to start to come to terms with my fathers death and now im back to square one with my son passing away. Losing a child scares the shit out

I talk to my son everyday, I often find myself asking him 'why?'. That question will haunt me forever. Why did my son take his own life, I have to keep telling myself it was the recreational drugs he had taken. As a mother, surely I'd of known if he was depressed.  I've just told him he can see what I do all day, washing clothes, washing dishes and you know, try not to kill myself.. just the usual stuff. I miss my son and my dad more than anything in the world. I've just placed an order with a company called 'Ashes With Art'. A ring for myself and a comfort pebble for my sons dad.  I've just got to post the ashes and wait for our beautiful order to arrive. I'll let you know when they come. I'll post a photo. How am I feeling? You know what, I just feel numb to everything around me. I feel like my life has stopped but the world around me is moving on in life. Everything I do is a task, getting out of bed in the morning is the biggest task of all.

Its been 6 weeks since my son passed away.. Not sure how ive made it through the last 6 weeks. Ive prayed alot, for strength to get me through each day. Ive washed my hair today, its been over a week since I last washed it. Ive just not had the energy to take care of myself. I just dont care about myself at the moment. A simple task like washing my hair seemed to much this past week, so I simply didnt do it. I guess I feel a bit better for doing it. I lose so much hair because im going through the menopause. Fuck you cancer!! but because of the amount of hair I lose, it takes all that I am to wash it. I remember when I shaved all my hair off a few days before my dad passed away, I lost my mind. The amount of times ive thought about shaving my hair off just lately is unreal. Life was so much easier with a shaved head. Anyway, what have I been upto today? Ive washed Jesses uniform, ordered a Starbucks iced latte and I tackled my hair. Doesnt seem like alot, but that is progress. I know

I feel a bit better today, im really trying to focus on positive things today but as I sit here and type, I glance across to my sons urn, and a wave of sadness hits me all over again. I use to be thankful for my children that they were all happy and healthy and then one of them died. Im thankful for the 21 years I had with my son. Im thankful for my 3 other children. Im trying to be thankful I woke up this morning. I guess I am.. I get to see my 3 children but its never going to be the same without my son Jay-Dee. I wish someone would tell me im going to get better mentally because living with mental health problems is torture. Ive become so isolated, I barely leave the house because of my anxiety. How do I get out of this hole that im stuck in? Its a dark lonely hole to be stuck in. Im going to make it you know, im determined to make it. I have to make it for my children, they need their mum.

Last night I put my head in my hands and I prayed for strength, as I sat on my bed feeling a mixture of emotions. Jesse cried last night about missing Jay-Dee and I told him he will always be with him and we'll get through this together. I spoke calmly and held back my tears and the whole time I was talking to him, I was screaming inside. Thats strength and that is what I prayed for. 'It was then that I carried you'.. this is a line from a poem called Footprints In The Sand. Give it a read, its a beautiful poem and I feel that on the days I feel like I cant go on, those are the days that God carries me. How am I feeling after collecting my sons ashes? I dont feel well today, my body feels heavy like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cried as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. Ive never felt so lifeless. I keep thinking to myself that im going to get through this, but, the truth is.. am I? How am I going to get through this? How do you "get through&q

My son is finally home with me. Do I feel any sort of comfort? No, no I don't. My heart is shattered and my body feels weak. My boy is home in a wooden box. No parent should ever have to go through this. Jay-Dee Colclough Forever 21 💔

I feel so drained and my whole body is tired. The waiting for the funeral home to ring and say I can collect my son, is hard on the body and mind. Im mentally and pysically drained. I just want to get in bed and stay there, but I cant because im a mum. Im hoping when I collect my son I feel some sort of comfort having him back home. I could just sleep forever. I was meant be dieting but I forgot about that, my mind is preoccupied. Day and night, all I think about is my deceased son. Im getting no enjoyment from being alive, none what so ever. Everyday I want to die. How am I going to get through this? I hope one day, I blog about how happy I am. That would be nice wouldnt it? Ive taken Jesse school today, its took all I have in me to get up this morning and do the school run, doesnt help that its raining. The weather is misserable and so am I. My brother is coming after work to keep my company for a couple of hours, I dont even want visitors but hes coming anyway. My mums asked when ca

Ive spent the whole day feeling overly sad today. Im sad everyday, but today it feels worse. Its Wednesday today and all ive done for the past 3 days is sit by my phone, waiting for the funeral home to ring and say I can collect my child. The heartache I feel is unreal. They say it comes in waves and today im drowning.. I feel suffocaited today. Im gasping for air. My chest is tight, grief is heavy today. I cant wait get into bed and go to sleep. Sleep is like dying but without the commitment. I wake up everyday and I wait to go back to sleep. This isnt living. This is survivning..

I woke up at 7am with no energy at all, I feel like complete and utter shit.  I've not taken Jesse school, couldn't bare to leave the house. I've literally got zero energy.. I'm constantly checking my phone to see if the funeral home have rang so I can collect my sons ashes. The waiting is killing me. I feel like I've got nothing inside me. I'm so tired, I sleep at night because I'm medicated, yet I still feel tired all the time. I'm a complete mess. My sons death has really messed me up as a person. I'm still washing holiday clothes and we only went for 3 nights, it's ridiculous.  God I'm so drained today. I'll let you know later if there's any news on my sons ashes. I feel like I've got so much to do but no energy to do it. I'm having a coffee then I'm going try to do some house work. I'm so sad and depressed.  I know I'm going to get through this for my other boys, I just don't know how I'm going to do i

People keep asking me how I am, and all I ever say is 'im ok'. Im not ok am I? How could I be ok after losing a child. Im heartbroken beyond repair. I feel sick with sadness, im far from ok. Some times I think id be better off dead, it would be easier than carrying all this grief around. Im just waiting for the funeral home to call and say I can collect my son, surely its got to be any day now? My first born son will be coming home in a wooden box, this just shouldnt be happening. I feel drained all the time, ive got nothing in me anymore. I just want to sleep mylife away but I cant. Do you know how hard it is to continue living when you just want to die? I use to wear a smile on my face when I was around my friends but I cant even fake it anymore, ive nothing to smile about. I keep reading all these books about grieving and they basically say the same thing. I will be grieving for the rest of my time on earth. You dont get over the loss of a child, you just learn to live with

2020 my dad died aged 55, from cancer 2021 I had cervical cancer  2022 I went sober 2023 I had a breakdown  2024 my son died aged 21, from suicide I feel like my whole life is testing me to see how much I can handle. As much as I want to die everyday, I still get up and live for my other 3 children. Everyday is a fight for survival.  Everyday is a fucking battle to stay alive. I am sick and tired of feeling sad, surely I've got to be due some happiness? I'm not a bad person, I don't see what I did that was so wrong to be punished this much..

Myself and Damian have been to Jesses sports day this morning, he did so well bless his little heart. Im back home now, waiting for a phone call off the funeral home saying we can collect our sons ashes. Its been a week today since the funeral so I know it will be any day now. I didnt want get out of bed this morning but Jesses attendance is shocking since the death of Jay-Dee. I honestly just want to get in bed and just die. Ive got no interest in life.. Im currently working my way through all the dirty washing from our little holiday, its best I try and keep busy or I find myself trapped in my own thoughts. I cant even tell you how much I miss my child. Life will never be the same again. Its 11:11am, thats an Angel Number. It means im on the right path and I should embrace opportunities.. Told you I see these numbers all throughout the day. Right, id better go peg my washing out and just hope it doesnt rain.

Its been 5 weeks since a policeman knocked on my door and I automatically assumed id done something wrong. I will never ever forget the words he said, my son is dead. I rememeber saying it couldnt be my son, I rememeber my hands shaking whilst trying to phone Damian and then having to tell him, his son was dead. It haunts me everyday. Am I going to feel like this every Sunday? My dad died on a Sunday and so did my son. Ive got a scream inside me that know one can hear, a pain in my heart, only a parent could feel after losing a child. I am a broken woman. I never in a million years, think that I would ever lose a child. You see about it on the news and read about it in the papers, but you never once think it would happen to you.. He had so much more life to live, he was only 21 years old. It will be a week tomorrow since the funeral so my sons ashes should be ready any day now. I just want my son home. Ive got no life in me, I feel drained constantly. Ive got no asperations, its like m

My washer broke last night, the day I return off holiday with bags of washing, my washer packed in.. My ex Damian went out of his way last night, went to Currys and brought and delivered me a brand new washer. How amazing is that man. We have the perfect blended family. I went on holiday with Damian and his wife, their 2 children and my children. Parenting at its finest. Makes me feel so proud of us all. Its how parenting should be. Im so sad today, I keep looking at my sons lock of hair and im just devastated. I know ive said it before but I really dont know how im getting through each day. I just keep waking up. Anyway.. im dieting from Monday, well Sunday night so youre welcome to follow me on my weight loss journey, im sure ill blog about it. Before I started taking Olanzopine, my psychiatrist told me about weight gain and ive pilled the weight on, its adding to my depression so its time I did something about it. I use to do fasting and I lost alot of weight so I want to get back i

A wave of sadness has hit me, I've got Jay-Dees photos on the fridge and I found my brain wondering as I was fixated on my sons photos.  I will forever ask why, why did my son kill himself? The sadness comes in waves, I've thought about my son all day, like any other day and I manage to get through it, but, every now and then I go deeper into thought and sadness hit me all over again. Why would my son leave me behind, he knew I'm not well mentally. Why would he do this? I've felt lost since my dad's death and then losing my son, I ask myself what could my purpose in life possibly be. Why put me through so much pain? How am I still waking up everyday and surviving.  2 and half years on and I still crave alcohol.  My life is fucking torture.  How I've stayed sober after my sons death, I will honestly never know. I tell you what, I really am stronger than I think. Even though everyday is a battle to stay alive, I just keep showing up. I just won't die.

Finally back home after a lovely 3 night break at The Lake District. The weather has been lovely and a it was nice having a few days where I didnt have to cook or do washing etc. Im now sat in my usual place on the settee with my laptop writing this blog. How am I feeling? Im ok, thats all I ever say, im ok. Im not actually ok, but its easier to say I am than to explain the pain I feel inside because my son has passed away. It will be 5 weeks on Sunday since my beautiful first born child, my son, Jay-Dee passed away. Im always going to talk about my son. Now ive got to work out how to live the rest of my life with a child in heaven. Anxiety since losing my son is crazy horrible. On the journey to The Lake District, all sorts of things were going through my head.. What if we crash and another child dies on the motorway? This was the main thing I kept thinking over and over. What if I lose another child. This is how i'll think for the rest of my life because losing my son has scared

Day 2 of being at the Lake District,  everyone's gone swimming but I felt too fat so I'm sat with a iced coffee, reading my book. My 3rd book since my sons death. It's called 'its ok that you're not ok'. These books about grieving are really helping me. Don't know why I'm bothered about my weight because there's lots of different shapes and sizes here. It's a Haven holiday at the Lake District.  I was hoping this break would take my mind off things but I'm just delving deeper into my memory and all I can see is my sons beautiful face. God I miss my son so much. All I want now, is my sons ashes home. It took a week after my dad's funeral for his ashes to come home. My dad, 3 and half years on is still in my bedroom. My sons ashes will go in front of my fire and that's where he will stay. That way I can see him everyday. Did I do something wrong in life? Why plagued me with death and cancer? Why is all this happening to me? I'm tryi

Today was THE hardest day of my entire life. My sons funeral. My first born beautiful boy, I hope youre watching as I write this. I will miss you for the rest of my time on earth. I hope my dad has you wrapped in his arms and keeps you safe until we meet again. The turn out for Jay-Dees funeral was amazing, he was clearly loved. I cried from the moment the funeral cars arrived outside the house and all through the service. My eyes are all red and puffy. The service was simply beautiful. The song we chose was Nelly Furtado Childhood Dreams, its just so beautiful. Give it a listen. As the song played, we had a slideshow of photos, 50 all together that Jay-Dees dad put together. It was perfect. All Jay-Dees friends were there, it really was an amazing turn out. I hope I did my son proud and through it all, I remain sober. 2 and a half years sober today. How am I feeling? I feel lifeless and empty. Im filled with sadness. My son will forever be 21. Today is a sad day....