July 22nd 2024 Monday.

I went out with Zoe today, Jesse had fun, but I came home and had the biggest breakdown on the phone to my sister. Been out of the house made me realise im not ready, it made me realise how dead I am inside. I listened to Zoe talk about her life and so she should, but it made me realise that there is no point in my existance. I had no life to talk about, I am dead inside and my body just wont give in. Im sat crying as I type, I dont know how to get through this 'new' life without my child. As a parent you never ever think youd lose a child and then one day it happened. 7 weeks and 1 day ago, it happened to me and my whole world came crashing down. My heart shattered into a million pieces, my world went dark. I was fighting so hard to get better after the death of my father and then my son died... I seem to have lost my identity, ive not got a clue who I am or why I am still alive. Its easy for people to say, "your other boys need you", its all I ever hear but when you are really low with depression the mind doesnt think like that. My mind tells me to kill myself. All I can think is that I would be better off dead because this isnt living, this is purely survivng. But youre right, my other boys do need me, so I fight another day.