July 5th Continued.

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A wave of sadness has hit me, I've got Jay-Dees photos on the fridge and I found my brain wondering as I was fixated on my sons photos. 
I will forever ask why, why did my son kill himself?
The sadness comes in waves, I've thought about my son all day, like any other day and I manage to get through it, but, every now and then I go deeper into thought and sadness hit me all over again.
Why would my son leave me behind, he knew I'm not well mentally. Why would he do this?
I've felt lost since my dad's death and then losing my son, I ask myself what could my purpose in life possibly be.
Why put me through so much pain?
How am I still waking up everyday and surviving. 
2 and half years on and I still crave alcohol.  My life is fucking torture. 
How I've stayed sober after my sons death, I will honestly never know.
I tell you what, I really am stronger than I think.
Even though everyday is a battle to stay alive, I just keep showing up.
I just won't die.

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