July 15th 'Why?'.

I talk to my son everyday, I often find myself asking him 'why?'.

That question will haunt me forever.

Why did my son take his own life, I have to keep telling myself it was the recreational drugs he had taken.

As a mother, surely I'd of known if he was depressed. 

I've just told him he can see what I do all day, washing clothes, washing dishes and you know, try not to kill myself.. just the usual stuff.

I miss my son and my dad more than anything in the world.

I've just placed an order with a company called 'Ashes With Art'.

A ring for myself and a comfort pebble for my sons dad. 

I've just got to post the ashes and wait for our beautiful order to arrive. I'll let you know when they come. I'll post a photo.

How am I feeling? You know what, I just feel numb to everything around me.

I feel like my life has stopped but the world around me is moving on in life.

Everything I do is a task, getting out of bed in the morning is the biggest task of all. I don't have the opportunity to just die in bed, my other 3 children need me.

I wonder if my children know just how depressed I am and that I'm only alive for them?

I wonder when I'll smile again...