July 28th Sunday.8 Weeks.

Ive done some food shopping, got my washing in off the line and now im drained. 8 weeks today since my son passed away and the days are getting harder. Ive still got nothing to say, theres nothing inside of me. The sun is shinning but a veil of darkness covers me. How am I meant to be happy, when im filled with sadness. Jesse is going out with Damian again. Damian is hurting inside but gets the strength to still do things everyday with the kids, I, on the other hand feel dead inside. Ive got no motivation at all. The day my son died, I died too inside. Ive not got anything to talk about, unless we chat about my deceased son? He was such a good looking boy, he was a hard worker and he was weeks away from being a qualified brick layer. He was doing an apprentiship, going college one day a week and working the rest of the week. No one knew but, I always use to cut his hair on top and hed go to a barbers for a skin fade on the back and sides. I knew how he styled his hair and im a qualified hair dresser, so I used to cut it for him. Its memories like this that make me happy and sad. Happy that I got to do things like cutting his hair and sad that ill never get to do it again. What was going through his head that morning of his death? Ill never know and its always going to haunt me. I will always ask, why? It should of been me. Ill never understand why he did it and I wont know until I see my child again. No one knows when their time will be up. If I go to bed tonight and dont wake up, would I be happy with my life? No. Im happy I got to birth 4 beautiful boys but that is all, ive suffered with depression for that many years its hard to find things to be happy about. I need to change this dont I? But how? How do I live my life when im dead inside? I wish someone had the answers to my questions but they dont, and im lost in life.