July 11th 2024 The Wait.

I feel so drained and my whole body is tired. The waiting for the funeral home to ring and say I can collect my son, is hard on the body and mind. Im mentally and pysically drained. I just want to get in bed and stay there, but I cant because im a mum. Im hoping when I collect my son I feel some sort of comfort having him back home. I could just sleep forever. I was meant be dieting but I forgot about that, my mind is preoccupied. Day and night, all I think about is my deceased son. Im getting no enjoyment from being alive, none what so ever. Everyday I want to die. How am I going to get through this? I hope one day, I blog about how happy I am. That would be nice wouldnt it? Ive taken Jesse school today, its took all I have in me to get up this morning and do the school run, doesnt help that its raining. The weather is misserable and so am I. My brother is coming after work to keep my company for a couple of hours, I dont even want visitors but hes coming anyway. My mums asked when can she come see me and ive told her ive locked myself away from the world at the moment. Im not in the mood for visitors and having to make conversations. My social battery is flat. Ive not self harmed since the day my son died, so thats over 5 weeks. I really am trying to get better. Id happily lie in the bath and slice my wrists open and watch the blood run out of my arms but I cant because my children need me. Why they need me I dont know, all im here for is to do the washing and cook now and again. I barely cook since my boy passed away. I seem to have lost my way in life. I was cooking everyday. I made sure Jay-Dee had his tea ready everyday for when he got in from work but ive got nothing in me now and its not fair on my other children. I need to get better, I just dont know how. I keep thinking, im going to get through this but deep down, I ask myself, 'how'?. How do I get through this?.....