July 9th Im Ok.

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People keep asking me how I am, and all I ever say is 'im ok'. Im not ok am I? How could I be ok after losing a child. Im heartbroken beyond repair. I feel sick with sadness, im far from ok. Some times I think id be better off dead, it would be easier than carrying all this grief around. Im just waiting for the funeral home to call and say I can collect my son, surely its got to be any day now? My first born son will be coming home in a wooden box, this just shouldnt be happening. I feel drained all the time, ive got nothing in me anymore. I just want to sleep mylife away but I cant. Do you know how hard it is to continue living when you just want to die? I use to wear a smile on my face when I was around my friends but I cant even fake it anymore, ive nothing to smile about. I keep reading all these books about grieving and they basically say the same thing. I will be grieving for the rest of my time on earth. You dont get over the loss of a child, you just learn to live with it.. I dont want to live with it! I just want my son back. I just want my child back and I know I will never see him again until I die. Its tearing me apart. I am a broken woman. Even if I wanted to live, I wouldnt know how. Im that lost in life I dont know how to even begin to live. Ive isolated myself that much, its a task to leave the house. I know im going to live, I just dont know how. I really am trying my best to stay alive..

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