July 16th Morbid.

For someone that is obsessed with death, I somehow cant deal with the death of my father and son. Im a very morbid person and im not scared of dying, but losing my own family hurts, it really fucking hurts. It should of been me not my son. Ive wanted to die for so long but its not my time, is it? Im tired today, im tired of life. Its a battle everyday to be ok. I spend alot of time staring at my sons urn, its like a tiny coffin and my heart breaks. How am I meant to get better mentally? I dont know how to 'get better'. Im highly medicated, yet im still depressed.. Im doing the bare minimum everyday, ill do a wash or empty the dryer, or do my dishes and thats it. The smallest of things zaps all my energy. Life has got to get better for me, I couldnt possibly feel any lower than I do now, so the only way is up isnt it? It took me over 3 years to start to come to terms with my fathers death and now im back to square one with my son passing away. Losing a child scares the shit out of you, im worried ill lose another child. Anxiety is a bitch. My son Jasper has just left high school, he was going to go into the Army, until his brother died. I told him I dont want to lose another child and im scared that I will if he goes in the Army, so hes decided to go to college now instead. Luckily he was having second thoughts about the Army anyway, but I just couldnt bare to lose another child. My son Jensen is going on holiday to Colombia next month and im scared that something will happen to him. Honestly, having depression and anxiety is horrible. Jesse cries everynight about losing his brother and grandad and it breaks my heart. Jay-Dee had so much more life to live, I will forever ask 'why'. I cant wait to die so I can see my son and dad again.