July 30th 2024

I was doing so well yesterday and then last night I went into my sons room and broke my heart. It shouldnt be this way, he should still be here. How am I ever going to get the strength to empty his room? I know theres no rush, but will I ever get the strength to sort his things out? His work clothes are still in a pile in the livingroom, where id leave them freshly washed on a sunday night for him. Cant bring myself move them either. Moving his things would mean that hes gone and im not mentally ready for that yet. Its only been 8 weeks. I talk to my son daily and I always end up asking him, 'why?'. I feel deflated today, ive been to the shops with Jesse and now im back home feeling drained. They say time is a healer but I dont think that applies when you lose a child. Everyday I expect him come walking through the door and he never does, and my heartbreaks all over again. I long to see my son in my dreams but im still waiting. I pray that God keeps my son safe along with my father. I silently pray for strength numerous times a day. I pray that one day im better, you know, mentally better. I dont know how im going to get out of this dark place im in.