July 5th Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Finally back home after a lovely 3 night break at The Lake District. The weather has been lovely and a it was nice having a few days where I didnt have to cook or do washing etc. Im now sat in my usual place on the settee with my laptop writing this blog. How am I feeling? Im ok, thats all I ever say, im ok. Im not actually ok, but its easier to say I am than to explain the pain I feel inside because my son has passed away. It will be 5 weeks on Sunday since my beautiful first born child, my son, Jay-Dee passed away. Im always going to talk about my son. Now ive got to work out how to live the rest of my life with a child in heaven. Anxiety since losing my son is crazy horrible. On the journey to The Lake District, all sorts of things were going through my head.. What if we crash and another child dies on the motorway? This was the main thing I kept thinking over and over. What if I lose another child. This is how i'll think for the rest of my life because losing my son has scared me that much, the thought of losing another child scares the shit out of me. My heart wasnt ready to lose a child, it was never going to be ready. The death of a child hurts on a whole new level of hurt. I feel sickness in the pit of my stomch knowing I will never see my child again. Do I want to carry on living? Absoloutely not. Do I have to carry on living? Yes, yes I do, because my 3 other children need me. My intrusive thoughts were going wild whilst I was away. I saw hills for miles and all I could think about was, walking to the top and chucking myself off. It would of never happened because im not much of a walking person, the hills were miles away so I was safe from harming myself. Intrusive thoughts enter my head numerous times a day, but, I keep on battling with them because I need to carry on living, dont I? Anyway, the photo below is of me and 3 of my boys on our little holiday.