July 6th My Ex.

My washer broke last night, the day I return off holiday with bags of washing, my washer packed in.. My ex Damian went out of his way last night, went to Currys and brought and delivered me a brand new washer. How amazing is that man. We have the perfect blended family. I went on holiday with Damian and his wife, their 2 children and my children. Parenting at its finest. Makes me feel so proud of us all. Its how parenting should be. Im so sad today, I keep looking at my sons lock of hair and im just devastated. I know ive said it before but I really dont know how im getting through each day. I just keep waking up. Anyway.. im dieting from Monday, well Sunday night so youre welcome to follow me on my weight loss journey, im sure ill blog about it. Before I started taking Olanzopine, my psychiatrist told me about weight gain and ive pilled the weight on, its adding to my depression so its time I did something about it. I use to do fasting and I lost alot of weight so I want to get back into it and calorie count in my eating window. I think if im blogging about it ill stick to it. Ill weigh myself sunday night so I can keep track. How am I feeling? im filled with sadness that ill never see my first born son again, until the day I die. Makes me want to die, but that would leave my other 3 boys with no mother. Its just a shit situation. When I think im not strong enough, God is carrying me through each day. I found faith after the death of my father. One day I just left my house and walked into church, all by myself. I was greeted with open arms that were full of love. I have a church family. Im also a very spiritual person, I see Angel Numbers numerous times through out the day with different messages. I bet I sound a bit loopy now but google it, theyre real. You ever just looked at the clock and it says 11:11? Angel Numbers you see. Honestly though, I do think ive lost the plot. Death and cancer can do that to a person. My heads a complete mess. Understandable, I hear you say. I know, and my psychiatrist did confirm that id had a mental breakdown. I was battling everyday to survive before my son died and now I feel even worse. You know, I get anxiety just going to the shops. I use to be full of confidence, id speak to anyone and now I barely talk at all. I blog about everything id talk about, probably why I dont talk much anymore. Ive not really got anything else to say, so goodbye.