July 27th Saturday.

Im sick of taking medication everyday just to stay afloat! I dont drink alcohol anymore and I feel like I dont fit in. Why is my life a battle? Im so fucking fed up of feeling how I feel. Surely ive got to be due a break in life? I spoke to the coroner yesterday, there will be an inquest into my sons death as it was, an 'unnatural cause of death'. His death has gone down as 1a, multiple injuries and 2, caused by MDMA and Ketamin. Everything that will be read out at the inquest, was sent via the post to me yesterday, thats going to be a hard read. This day 8 weeks ago, I messaged my son saying 'stay safe and I love you' and he never came home. It kills me inside every single day. Ive not self harmed for 8 weeks, but I think about doing it. It gives you a release from the pain inside, but I know its not a healthy coping mechanism. My eye is getting better because my mum brought me some eye drops, so thats one thing going right for me, I guess.. My plans for today are selfcare, sound like a right tramp but ive not washed for the past week. Thats depression for you! You dont realise how hard it is to motivate yourself when youve hit rock bottom. Jesse has gone with Damian, so my plan is to have a nice relaxing bath and wash my disgusting hair. Did I ever tell you about the time I had my first breakdown, days before my dad passed away I shaved all my hair off. The amount of times just lately ive thought about shaving my hair off again is unreal. My sister said NO and ill regret it, but life was so much easier with zero hair on my head. Another day of been trapped in my own head. Yay!