July 10th Zero Energy.

-
I woke up at 7am with no energy at all, I feel like complete and utter shit. 
I've not taken Jesse school, couldn't bare to leave the house.
I've literally got zero energy..
I'm constantly checking my phone to see if the funeral home have rang so I can collect my sons ashes.
The waiting is killing me.
I feel like I've got nothing inside me.
I'm so tired, I sleep at night because I'm medicated, yet I still feel tired all the time.
I'm a complete mess.
My sons death has really messed me up as a person.
I'm still washing holiday clothes and we only went for 3 nights, it's ridiculous. 
God I'm so drained today.
I'll let you know later if there's any news on my sons ashes.
I feel like I've got so much to do but no energy to do it.
I'm having a coffee then I'm going try to do some house work.
I'm so sad and depressed. 
I know I'm going to get through this for my other boys, I just don't know how I'm going to do it.
I really am taking life day by day.
What if one day I kill myself because I was having a bad day? I don't want leave my boys behind, but, with how bad my mental health is you never know what's around the corner.
I really am having a bad day today but I'll get through it.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more