July 12th 2024

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Last night I put my head in my hands and I prayed for strength, as I sat on my bed feeling a mixture of emotions. Jesse cried last night about missing Jay-Dee and I told him he will always be with him and we'll get through this together. I spoke calmly and held back my tears and the whole time I was talking to him, I was screaming inside. Thats strength and that is what I prayed for. 'It was then that I carried you'.. this is a line from a poem called Footprints In The Sand. Give it a read, its a beautiful poem and I feel that on the days I feel like I cant go on, those are the days that God carries me. How am I feeling after collecting my sons ashes? I dont feel well today, my body feels heavy like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I cried as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. Ive never felt so lifeless. I keep thinking to myself that im going to get through this, but, the truth is.. am I? How am I going to get through this? How do you "get through" the death of a child? My heart aches for my child, I feel the loss in the pit of my stomach. I cant count the amount of times ive asked aloud, 'why?' Why would my son do this? why would he leave me behind? I am a broken woman. If youve been following me since the beginning (over 3 years) youll already know that I cant come to terms with the death of my father. Losing a child has sent me back down that black hole I was trying my best to climb out of. I'll be honest, I dont think ill live to an old age, I dont want to. Its taking all that I am not to self harm. I just want to slice the shit out of my wrists. I just want to fucking die! I wont do it, im stronger than that and my children need me. Honestly, if I didnt have children, I would of been dead a long time ago.

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