July 19th 2024 930 Days.

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Had a bad day yestersday, the day went so slow and all I could think about was my son, I dont really feel any better today, but I know its something im going to have to learn to live with. The death of a child hurts deep within my soul. I long to see his face. I keep looking through photos of him and its just not fair. Why hasnt my son visited me in my dreams yet? Its Friday today, the kids break up for the 6 week holidays. Its non uniform day but I didnt realise so now im sat feeling like a bad mum because ive taken Jesse in his uniform. My heads up my arse! Jesse started choking on his food about 10 days ago so ive taken him the doctors before school today, theyre getting in touch with a paediatrician, so lets hope it gets sorted soon. I know youre probably thinking, why has it taken me 10 days to get him to the doctor, but if im honest, I just thought he wasnt chewing his food properly. Anyway its getting sorted now. I need to get out of the house over the 6 week holidays or ill end up going insane if im stuck in on my own. How am I feeling? Numb. Numb is the only way I can describe the feeling inside. Im numb to life, the world is moving but im stuck in grief. Everything is a task, washing my hair is the main task because its falling out I hate washing it. Can grief cause hair loss? I just keep thinking its the menopause but could it be grief? I dont know, all I know is its falling out. Im still sober by the way, 930 days sober. 2 and a half years with zero alcohol. Since the death of my son all ive thought about is alcohol but not once have I given in. Im stronger than I think. The sun is shinning and it always makes me feel like alcohol, youd think after 2 years it would be easy but its not. Anyway, enjoy the sunshine and ill be back tomorrow x

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