Cancer, Depression and Me.

Yesterday Jensen was sat with me and we were talking, he said congrats on being 4 years and 2 months sober. He said 4 years of not finding you with blood all over yourself and nearly dead. That fucking hit me hard. I said if i was still drinking id be dead already and he agreed. That's why im staying sober!! My kids deserve a present, sober mum. I know im depressed and the kids know i am, but im controlling my suicidal thoughts. The strength I get from my boys is amazing. Jensen asked me if I wanted go Hanley, he wanted go a jewellery shop for a necklace for himself, whilst we were in there, we saw this little, im sure they're called signet rings or something like that, for your little finger. Jensen said pick one and ill buy it you. I said thank you and chose one. I said save it for Mother's Day. Did I mention ive got a Tiffany necklace coming hes brought me. Hes such a thoughtful beautiful boy. He spoils me. We went Asda and hes brought me some Mother's Day gifts from...

Why am I like this? Why can't I accept that my dad and son are both dead. What's wrong with me? Ive been depressed since I can remember and I know its going to kill me one day because I can't keep living like this. I just want to die. Ive just got back from my mums, shes done my hair for me. Well shes done half my hair, I came home with my toner on, so just had to wash that off. At least I have nice hair. Mental health is shit, but my hair looks good. Told her im tired all the time and she said its my depression. I just hate getting out of bed and having to do this life. As much as I wish I was dead, I need to stay alive for my boys. They'd be devastated if I killed myself. I always think to myself i have more than enough medication in the house to overdose. This is how my fucked up my brain works! I just hate being alive. Can't have a relationship because my heads too fucked up to be with anyone. How can I even try to love someone, when I dont even love myself? Im ...

Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...