Cancer, Depression and Me.

My dad always use to say he wouldnt make it to 50 and then he died when he was 55. Cancer is cruel! I was talking to my friends yesterday when we went for a meal, which by the way was lovely and I had a really good time, but I was saying about how much I miss my dad and son and how im sober after everything thats happened. My friend Rachael said how strong I was and she wouldnt of made it through what ive been through and it made me think, I must be stronger than I think I am. To lose my father and son and to have cancer in-between. How im still standing I dont know. I always say I get my strength from my boys and I stand by that. I wouldnt be here now if it wasn't for them. Jensen has just asked me if I wanted nip Home Bargains with him for snacks (diets going shit haha), but i love how my kids want to do things with me. They keep me alive. When I was in the car I found myself drifting off thinking about Jay-Dee and how much my heart aches without him here. I'd give my life to...

Last night I dreamt that I was dying of cancer. It was a horrible dream to have after having cancer already. I remember I had hours left to live. I pray I never have cancer again. Myself and Jesse are up and dressed. Jesse's going out with Damian at half 12 and then my friend is picking me up, then we're collecting 2 more friends to go out for dinner. Its been years since ive been The Dog And Partridge so im looking forward to it. Already decided im having a mixed grill haha. I dont feel too bad today, really can't be bothered to go out, but I know it will do me good. Wish I could just spend my days in bed, thats how depressed I am. Have to force myself to participate in life. Feel guilty for going out when my dad and son are both no longer here, but I know they'd be telling me to go and enjoy myself. Its hard living a life after losing people you love. I am trying though. After we've had tea tonight, myself and Jasper are going to start fasting and having one meal ...

Got up, got dressed and went the shop with Jesse. He went on his bike. Im showered and washed my hair. Can't remember the last time I showered and washed my hair. Im not lazy, its depression. Some days it takes everything in me just to get through the day without killing myself. So to shower and wash my hair is kind of a big deal for me. Jesse keeps playing Jay-Dees song, The Smiths This Charming Man, my heart sinks every time I hear it, but it also makes me smile that I get to listen to his favourite song and think about him. I miss him and my dad so much. Ive come to terms with the fact that im never going to heal from the trauma ive been through. I guess ill have to live like this until my day of death. Im always going to be a sad person, nothing will ever change that. Ive just got to keep living regardless. Its so hard getting up everyday and to fight the urge to kill myself. Everyday is a battle. Suicidal ideation is real and i have to live with it. Im going out tomorrow with ...

I feel a bit better today, Jesse's gone school. That's 2 weeks in a row with no days off. Went Asda this morning, brought quite a bit of stuff, tried getting a taxi home and they wanted nearly £14 to take me a few streets away because its Eid. So I decided to walk, had to keep stopping and swapping hands with my bags because they were heavy. The new Peaky Blinders film is out today on Netflix, ill be watching it later with Jasper, can't wait. My different sized photo frames have arrived today that Damian brought me for Mother's Day. Ive just ordered my photos for them all and I plan on filling the wall behind my tv with photos of my family. You appreciate photos when you have people you love in heaven. Ive always taken photos of my family and im so glad I have. One wall up my stairs is filled with canvases of my boys. I love it. Damian is buying me some things tomorrow so I can stick them all to the wall. Love been surrounded by photos of my kids. Ive got big canvases o...

Didn't sleep well last night, so ive been lying on the settee in and out of sleep and every time ive fallen asleep, ive been crying in my sleep. If im not crying when im awake, im crying in my sleep. Im so heartbroken. Jesse's in school. Contemplated not taking him when I first woke up, but dont want him having anymore time off, so I got up and took him. Hes nearly done 2 weeks without a day off. Im doing good. Had his letter for his Stanley Head trip he'll be going on in November when hes in year 6. Crazy to think hes going into his last year in September. Hes growing up so fast. Got to pay monthly for his trip and then ive got a list as long as my arm of things ive got to buy for him to take. Im broke all the time, but my boy will be going. Paid a 30 pound deposit this morning to secure his place, then ive got pay the rest off monthly. I'll do it. Don't know how, but I will. Didn't stay at the cafe this morning, I just didn't feel like it. Think its becaus...

Im sat crying, its 10:24am and im already crying thinking about my son. Last night I dreamt about ringing my dad and then it hit me that he was already dead. Such a strange dream, felt so real. I can't do this anymore, im so close to committing suicide. Im so fed up of being upset. Im not coping with losing my dad and son. Im living a nightmare that never ends. I say the same thing everyday, every single fucking day. Im struggling with living. I dont want this life ive been given. I just want to put myself out of the misery im living. You wouldnt let an animal suffer the way I am. Why can't I deal with death? What is wrong with me? Ive been the cafe see my friends, wasn't going stay, but I made myself socialise. Went Asda did some shopping and my friend dropped me off at home and then boom, the tears are falling. Im sat looking at my sons urn on the fire. My son and my dad are both in wooden boxes. Its killing me. Im so broken, I dont think i can be fixed. No amount of medi...

Got up again and took Jesse to school. Nipped in the cafe for 10 minutes, but didn't feel like staying. My dad and my son are on my mind today. Just like any other day, but today it feels heavy. My dad was my best friend. I miss him so much, it hurts my heart. 55 was no age to die. My son, my first born baby, gone at the age of 21. I feel so low in life without them. Its hard getting through each day. I long to see them again. I see photos of them everyday and it just makes me sad. I know they wouldnt want me living like this, but I just dont know how to live without them. I feel lost in life, I dont fit in anymore. I dont know who I am anymore. My faith in God is strong, but I have to ask, why my dad and son? Felt like having alcohol yesterday, I was craving it. Over 4 years sober and I still have days where I crave alcohol. I didn't give in, dont worry. Im still sober. Jensen treated us all to a take away last night, he said because he was working on Mother's Day, bless h...

So glad Mother's Day is over and done with. Yesterday was a hard day for me. Felt like the day went on forever. Tried to quit my vape, but ended up walking the shop last night for a vape. I can't do it. I tried. Ill try again when my vape runs out. Didn't go for a run this morning, im too fat to run, I need to lose some weight first! Been Asda to do some shopping, got healthy foods like rice, pasta, chicken and ground minced beef. Stuff to make healthy meals with. Cutting my chocolate out, well im going try anyway haha. Going see my friends tonight, going force myself to go because I know it will do me good. Taken Jasper the doctors this morning, they've increased his antidepressants, so we'll have see if they improve his mental health. His dad said he needs a better sleeping pattern, but I go bed at 9pm, I sleep through (thanks to Olanzopine), but im still depressed.. sleep doesnt fix depression. The seasons are changing and I feel stuck grieving. Im not appreciati...

Sat here feeling depressed, contemplating getting back into bed, but also willing myself on to get a shower. My heart hurts today. Mothers day and one of my children are in heaven. My heart aches. Im sat here telling myself to get up and get showered. Ive lost the will to live. Im so sad inside. Got no plans for today, just going to try and get through the day the best way I can. I will get a shower at some point. I could just get into bed and just lie there and watch the time pass me by. I knew today was going to be shit, I knew it would knock me back mentally. Was awake at 8am! So much for a lie in this weekend. Don't know why ive been waking up early. I plan on Jesse doing another full week next week at school. Got no vape. Fuck my life. Not really got much to say today if im honest, i feel depressed. You'd think id be use to this depression by now, but everyday gives me something new to feel shitty about. Ive had cards, chocolates, a new signet rings and all I want is my so...

Woke up early, 9:10am to be precise. Wanted a lie in, but I didn't get much of one. Stripped my bedding and washed it all, love getting into fresh bedding. My friends brought me a bunch of roses today to chear me up. I really do have the best friends. Made me smile. Ive been so low just lately, can't seem to snap out of it. Grief is hard. Im struggling to be happy. Ive not showered in over a week, im going make myself shower and wash my hair tomorrow. Depression is horrible. Having depression and grief is killing me off slowly. Im starting running Monday with Jasper, told him I might need walk and run and hes fine with that. Got to start somewhere. Ill try my best to jog the whole way. Ill have my head phones on with Jay-Dees play list playing and we're going to run to the crem and back. Visit Jay-Dees flower bed. Really hope i get into this running and eating healthy from Monday because it will make me feel better im sure. Going buy lots of chicken Monday and try and eat b...

I know its Friday, but let's talk about Sundays. My dad died on a Sunday and so did my son. I hate Sundays. I mean, I hate everyday, but Sundays are worse. I really need start going back to church on a Sunday. Not been for a few months. I choose sleep over going church which is really bad, but im always so tired. Jesse has gone to school and we've done a full week. Feel a bit proud of that, its not a big deal to some, but it is to me. I struggle to find the will to live in the morning and Jesse usually has a day or two off every week, but this week ive forced myself to get up and take him. Two more weeks to go and then hes off for two weeks. Going try to not let him have any more time off. His attendance is bad so we need to build his percentage back up. Think hes on 77% which is bad, but im trying. That's all I can do, try my best. Can't wait for my lie in tomorrow. Hate the weekends, love a lie in, but all I can think is that my son left on a Saturday and killed himse...

Im angry some times at the fact non of Jay-Dees mates followed him that morning he killed himself. He was walking around Liverpool for 2 hours on his own before he decided to kill himself. It honestly kills me inside. Im angry that my son is dead. Bet it plays on his mates mind that they didn't intervene. If only someone followed him that morning, things could be so different now. I miss my baby so much, its literally killing me inside. I use to see my dad every single day and had phone calls off him everyday. Its a shock to the system. My world has been flipped upside down. My father and son are gone forever and I dont know how to live my life anymore. I dont know who I am or why im still here. God im so angry and upset. My brain can't quite believe what's happened. I can't process it all. Im struggling today. They're dead and never coming back and I dont know how to live without them. Its so easy for people to say 'they wouldnt want you to be sad', do you ...

Feel a bit better today. Been the cafe see my friends and actually laughed and engaged in conversation. Yay! Going see a few of my friends tonight for a catch up. Thank god for days like today. Don't get me wrong, im still depressed and really can't be bothered to go see my friends later, but I have to push myself to do things on my "better days". Im just doing a wash, ive been Asda for things for tea and stuff to make a steak and potato pie tomorrow. Tonight we're having pasta, tuna and mayo. Was meant be having sweetcorn, but I forgot that. Thought I had some in, but oh well. Jesses not had a day off this week upto now, so im doing good. Told myself he was doing a full week. His attendance is poor so im really trying. Absolutely hate getting up in the morning. 2 more weeks at school, then hes off for 2 weeks for the Easter holidays. Can't wait! I just love being asleep. My escape from the world. I thank god that im feeling better today. These are the days th...

Its only 10:10am and ive already thought about dying. Why am I like this? Wtf is wrong with me? Also, 10:10 is an angel number. Why am I so depressed? Oh I know why, because my dad and son are both dead! Im living a nightmare. Went the cafe this morning to see my friends, but had very little to say. Don't know why I bother going. I dont contribute anything, im just there, wearing a fake smile on my face. If only they knew how much I wish I was dead. Also, why do you have to be over 50 to take out a funeral plan? What about people like me that won't make it to 50?? I'd like to arrange my own funeral, so my kids dont have to. I'd happily pay monthly for my own funeral. Seriously think the age should be lowered. I bet im not the only person that thinks like I do. Living is hard work. Had anxiety this morning walking to Asda, needed to go the chemist to collect my medication, but my body wouldnt alow it. I got my bits from Asda and taxi'd home. Its in walking distance, ...

Ive told Natalie over and over that this thing with us, what ever it is you can call it, isn't going anywhere. Im sick of saying it to her. She just doesnt give up! Sick of it. She's making my mental health worse!! Having a shit day and shes pissing me off with her messages. She bombards me with messages and its draining me. I just want to be on my own. A relationship shouldn't be this much hard work. Sick of telling her to walk away. My heads fucked, she doesnt get it. Sick of telling her im not in a good place mentally. She's driving me insane. If she carries on im just going fucking block her on everything and move on. Weve been talking for 10 weeks, we've seen each other 3 times, she said she loves me.. fuck off!! It's infatuation not love. I just want to be on my own, what doesnt she get?? She doesnt understand how hard my days are and shes not making them any easier, shes adding to my depression. God im so fed up! Im having a shit day! I could scream!! I j...

Not felt too bad the past couple of days, Jesse slept Damians last night. I had myself an early night and a lie in this morning. Was just what I needed, a bit of me time. Jensen treated me to a Domino's pizza last night and ive just had some for breakfast haha. I forgot tell you that my necklace arrived last week. Ill post a photo at the end. Its beautiful. Was going meet up with my friends today, but i just fancy a lazy pj day. I know i should push myself more to meet up, but I just can't be bothered. I need to get a shower and wash my hair. Only wash it once a week because I hate it. When I went my mums she wanted cut it all off, I should of let her. Im in a love hate relationship with my hair. Natalie went dead weird the other night, sending me weird messages at 4am, now shes saying it wasn't her. I know I need to get rid. Mental health is a bit better, dont feel like killing myself so thats good. Damian is taking Jasper Pets At Home today to buy some Guinea Pigs for his...

Jasper broke his heart last night and i mean really broke his heart. Losing Jay-Dee has destroyed my baby, its destroyed us all. Jasper said he feels like a failure, not going college or having a job. I said dont you dare worry about stuff like that. I said youre 17, there's plenty of time in your life to work or study, let's just get you better first. I gave him the biggest hug and I told him how much I love him. Jesse knew how upset Jasper was and he said 'I dont want another dead brother', my heart broke all over again. I told Jasper i know exactly how it feels and its good to cry and let it all out. Im so heartbroken for my boys because they're really struggling. Watching one of my children break their heart like Jasper did last night, broke me. I said please dont do anything to harm yourself because I couldnt bare to lose another child. Im heartbroken for my boys. We're all fighting battles we dont talk about and its torture. Seeing my boy heartbroken last ...

Some times I forget that im going through the Menopause, ive been going through it nearly 5 years now, since I had surgery to remove my cancer.  The took all my womb, ovaries, tubes, the lot, plus 19 pelvic lymph nodes. Its probably another reason why i am the way I am, mentally speaking. Ive had a shit time the last few years. Well, 5 and a half years, since my dad died. Everything went downhill the day he passed away. Especially my mental health. Ive been through so much, yet im still here fighting for my life. A life I dont want. I feel a bit better today. I brought my mum a pop up Mother's Day card, so ive been the post office to get a stamp and send it. I thought Mother's Day was this Sunday, but I was told its a week on Sunday haha. Oh well at least mum will get it on time. Ive put pork steaks in the slow cooker to have for tea with chips gravy and veg. Can't wait. Im so tired today, tried to lie on the settee and have an hour, but couldnt switch off so im drinking an...

My dad and son are on my mind today, just like any other day, but it feels heavy today. Grief is killing me. I know it will be like this forever until I see them both again, but my heart hurts. I think to myself, this can't be real, but it is and ive got to live with this grief. I try to feel positive, but some days are harder than others. I was speaking to my sister earlier and she was saying that shes having a few bad days mentally, I said welcome to my world. I said we've been through so much over the past few years, people dont understand the impact its had on our mental health. Jay-Dee killed himself on my sisters birthday and his nans birthday (Damians mum). June 2nd. I was saying to my friend's this morning that it'll be 2 years in June and I dont understand how im still here. My friends partner died a year ago it will be in a few weeks. We were talking about how fast time has gone. We're all going through stuff we dont talk about enough. Im open to everyone ...

Yesterday Jensen was sat with me and we were talking, he said congrats on being 4 years and 2 months sober. He said 4 years of not finding you with blood all over yourself and nearly dead. That fucking hit me hard. I said if i was still drinking id be dead already and he agreed. That's why im staying sober!! My kids deserve a present, sober mum. I know im depressed and the kids know i am, but im controlling my suicidal thoughts. The strength I get from my boys is amazing. Jensen asked me if I wanted go Hanley, he wanted go a jewellery shop for a necklace for himself, whilst we were in there, we saw this little, im sure they're called signet rings or something like that, for your little finger. Jensen said pick one and ill buy it you. I said thank you and chose one. I said save it for Mother's Day. Did I mention ive got a Tiffany necklace coming hes brought me. Hes such a thoughtful beautiful boy. He spoils me. We went Asda and hes brought me some Mother's Day gifts from...

Why am I like this? Why can't I accept that my dad and son are both dead. What's wrong with me? Ive been depressed since I can remember and I know its going to kill me one day because I can't keep living like this. I just want to die. Ive just got back from my mums, shes done my hair for me. Well shes done half my hair, I came home with my toner on, so just had to wash that off. At least I have nice hair. Mental health is shit, but my hair looks good. Told her im tired all the time and she said its my depression. I just hate getting out of bed and having to do this life. As much as I wish I was dead, I need to stay alive for my boys. They'd be devastated if I killed myself. I always think to myself i have more than enough medication in the house to overdose. This is how my fucked up my brain works! I just hate being alive. Can't have a relationship because my heads too fucked up to be with anyone. How can I even try to love someone, when I dont even love myself? Im ...

Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...