March 3rd Tuesday.

Yesterday Jensen was sat with me and we were talking, he said congrats on being 4 years and 2 months sober. He said 4 years of not finding you with blood all over yourself and nearly dead. That fucking hit me hard. I said if i was still drinking id be dead already and he agreed. That's why im staying sober!! My kids deserve a present, sober mum. I know im depressed and the kids know i am, but im controlling my suicidal thoughts. The strength I get from my boys is amazing. Jensen asked me if I wanted go Hanley, he wanted go a jewellery shop for a necklace for himself, whilst we were in there, we saw this little, im sure they're called signet rings or something like that, for your little finger. Jensen said pick one and ill buy it you. I said thank you and chose one. I said save it for Mother's Day. Did I mention ive got a Tiffany necklace coming hes brought me. Hes such a thoughtful beautiful boy. He spoils me. We went Asda and hes brought me some Mother's Day gifts from there too. Im a lucky mum and I feel truly blessed. Going back to the drinking thing and it really hit me hard when he agreed that id be dead already if I was still drinking. Knowing my boys are proud of me gives me such a boost. Im doing this for them. My reasons to keep going, my boys. Just breaks my heart that one of my children are no longer here. I bet Jay-Dee and my dad are so proud of me. Wish id of gotten sober many years ago, but the main thing is that I stay sober. Today im feeling blessed. Sad, depressed, but blessed. Ive raised my boys the right way and that makes me so bloody proud. I thank God today that im still alive. Today im grateful to be alive. Didn't take Jesse school today, I know im going get a fine. I just couldnt wake up. Sometimes I think is it my medication making me drowsy in the mornings? I dont know. Had a message this morning off the Sutherland Center saying my appointment has been changed from this month, to May! Wtf. I really needed to see my psychiatrist this month. Let's hope im still alive come May. Anyway, my friend is coming later for a catch up, can't really be bothered, but ill make the effort. Today i am depressed, but feeling blessed.