March 30th Monday.

I was just sat thinking about when I told the nurse to take my dad's oxygen off him. He wouldnt of wanted any of us to prolong his death and I had to make the choice. It killed me and still plays on my mind to this day. I sat by his side in that hospital day and night until he took his last breath. Family came through the day, but it was me and dad at night. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat if it meant I got to spend more time with him. I saw my dad and my son in the Chapel Of Rest and the images in my mind haunt me. Seeing my son in the Chapel Of Rest injured from his fall was horrendous, Damian wouldnt come in to see him and I dont blame him, as a mother I had to see my child one last time, but the image of him with blood over his head and bandaged up is something ill never forget. People tell me how strong I am, but they really have no clue on how much im suffering in silence. Losing my father and son is killing me. I dont see a way out of how I feel, only death. I just want to end my suffering, but I know i can't because my boys need me. Do they really need me though? They have their dad, Damian. Should I tell them how much im suffering in silence? I dont know, all I know is grief is killing me inside. Ive been to buy Easter Eggs today and its gutted me not buying Jay-Dee one. Its the little things that trigger grief. Taken Jesse to his dental appointment. Im doing everything I have to do for my kids, but I just wish I was in bed. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, I never do. If only id just die in my sleep and be done with. Im finding zero enjoyment in being alive.