March 10th Tuesday.

Its only 10:10am and ive already thought about dying. Why am I like this? Wtf is wrong with me? Also, 10:10 is an angel number. Why am I so depressed? Oh I know why, because my dad and son are both dead! Im living a nightmare. Went the cafe this morning to see my friends, but had very little to say. Don't know why I bother going. I dont contribute anything, im just there, wearing a fake smile on my face. If only they knew how much I wish I was dead. Also, why do you have to be over 50 to take out a funeral plan? What about people like me that won't make it to 50?? I'd like to arrange my own funeral, so my kids dont have to. I'd happily pay monthly for my own funeral. Seriously think the age should be lowered. I bet im not the only person that thinks like I do. Living is hard work. Had anxiety this morning walking to Asda, needed to go the chemist to collect my medication, but my body wouldnt alow it. I got my bits from Asda and taxi'd home. Its in walking distance, but I brought a crate of coke so couldnt carry it all the way home. I dont see the point to my existence. Im a mum, thats it. Ive got no aspirations, no will to live. Its just a sad existence. Im living purely for my children. You'd think that should be enough to keep going, but im that depressed I just dont see a way out other than death. Jensen told me Jay-Dee visited him in his dreams the other night. I said was he ok? He said he asked him what the afterlife was like and Jay-Dee said it was ok. Jay-Dee never really said much, so sounds about right that hed just say 'ok'. I told Jensen that was a visitation. I wish my dad and son would visit me in my dreams, I miss them so much. I was sat in bed last night looking at my dad's urn and I just can't believe hes gone. I can't believe my son is gone. I can't deal with their deaths and its killing me off slowly. Ive got no will to live. I hate being alive. My days are like groundhog day. I get up, hate life and go back to bed. I'd love to be able to go work, but im unhinged. There's something seriously wrong with me. You'd hate to live a day in my head. Its horrible. I just think about suicide all the time. I have to fight it for my boys. They can't have a dead mother, it would destroy them. Ive got no choice but to live. It scares me that one day its all going to get too much and ill end up ending my own life. Im 42 now, not sure how ive made it this far in life if im honest. How am I not dead already? The strength I get from my children is crazy, I really am alive today because of them. I hate these days I have where I wish I was dead. I have a good day every now and then, but the bad days out weigh the good. There's nothing I can do to change the way I think. My brain is wired up wrong. Trauma has destroyed me. 6 years ago I was depressed, but I was having good days and then my dad went and died, thats when I died inside. My heart shattered. I didn't think it could get any worse, then 6 months after his death I was diagnosed with cancer. You'd think, shit shes been through alot, then my son goes and kills himself. In-between all of that, I had a breakdown that im still trying to recover from and I also decided to go sober and give up alcohol. All of that within the space of 5 and a half years. I pray that God takes this pain away, im desperate to feel better. I dont know what its like to feel happiness.. I dont see a way out, other than death.