March 31st Tuesday.

I was thinking earlier about the fact that my son went and got a hair cut just before travelling to the rave in Liverpool. Why would you bother getting your hair cut if you planned on killing yourself? You wouldnt! Why did he kill himself? It's killing me. What must of been going through my sons head early hours that Sunday morning? Oh god, it honestly kills me inside thinking about it all. Grief is killing me. I had 19 months with my dad watching him deteriorate because cancer starved him to death and it still doesnt feel real that hes gone forever. Grief will be the death of me, that or the depression. Im not coping with my father and sons death and im not sure what im meant to do about it. Chucking medication at me isn't working. Group trauma therapy didn't work. My psychiatrist isn't helping. Ive had bereavement counselling and that helped I guess, but only a little bit. I feel like im trapped in a dark hole. Im consumed by grief. It eats away at me daily and I can't do anything to stop it. Ive been to see my friend for a couple of hours and shes told me all of her problems and I just feel like saying, my son and dad are dead. Was lovely seeing her though. Im fucked in the head and its killing me. She was on about going on dates and stuff and I was thinking to myself, ive been single for a few years and ive got no intentions on meeting anyone with how mentally unwell I am. What if im alone forever?? What if this is me forever? Oh god it doesnt bare thinking about. I need to get better, I just dont know how. Im broken hearted and its ruining my life. Im just a broken mess, who the fuck is going want me? What have I got to offer anyone? A fuck load of grief! Honestly, im better off on my own. As long as ive got my boys ill be ok. Well, when I say ok, I mean I won't kill myself. I honestly can't wait to fucking die!!!