March 23rd Monday.

My dad always use to say he wouldnt make it to 50 and then he died when he was 55. Cancer is cruel! I was talking to my friends yesterday when we went for a meal, which by the way was lovely and I had a really good time, but I was saying about how much I miss my dad and son and how im sober after everything thats happened. My friend Rachael said how strong I was and she wouldnt of made it through what ive been through and it made me think, I must be stronger than I think I am. To lose my father and son and to have cancer in-between. How im still standing I dont know. I always say I get my strength from my boys and I stand by that. I wouldnt be here now if it wasn't for them. Jensen has just asked me if I wanted nip Home Bargains with him for snacks (diets going shit haha), but i love how my kids want to do things with me. They keep me alive. When I was in the car I found myself drifting off thinking about Jay-Dee and how much my heart aches without him here. I'd give my life to have my son back with his brothers and sister. I miss my dad so much, that man was my best friend, he was my drinking partner. We were 2 peas in a pod. That's why I went sober, drinking was no fun without my dad. So I know he died young, but I got sober. My days are dark since my dad and son died, I get through each day, but thats only for my boys. Some days I wish I would just die because im so fed up of being alive. I say some days, but its nearly everyday. I have the odd day where I feel ok, but im still sad even on the better days. I went out yesterday and felt guilty about smiling and enjoying myself. This is just my life now, I know that. Im always going to be a sad person. I woke up this morning to messages off my mum, my brother and my sister, all of them saying Natalie has found them all on social media and messaged them all saying she loves me and she'll wait for me. The messages were sent at 1am so she was clearly pissed up! How fucking dare she message my family. I dont want to be with her and she needs to get a grip. I messaged her to say dont contact my family and then blocked her again. Im a Christian so im trying to be better than I was, but I will grip that bitch up if she carries on! I dont want to be with a drinker and this is my life and I get to say who i want to be with. She clearly can't take rejection. Im content on my own, im in no rush to be in a relationship. The right person will come when the time is right. I need to get better mentally first. Im no use to anyone with my mental health. Im happy meeting up with my friends every week, going out for meals every now and then. The beauty of my group of friends is that non of us drink. When I went sober, my whole life changed. I lost contact with my drining friends and found myself alot of sober friends. Im blessed, I know that. Even though im depressed and grieving, im still grateful for who I have in my life. The reason I fight my suicidal ideation is because I couldnt bare to leave my children. I fight for them.