March 1st Sunday.

Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. You never know from one day to the next how youre going to wake up feeling. Its a nightmare im living. As long as ive got my boys by my side ill be ok. Just cooking fish in the air fryer because Jesses decided he wants fish and waffles so thats what hes having. Got no motivation today, im still sat in my pjs and its 1.35pm. Just going have a lazy day. Not meeting up with my friends because I really can't be bothered. Ill try make more of an effort next week. Monday again tomorrow, the weekends go so fast. Back to my 7am alarm. Going try take Jesse in everyday this week. I need to push myself to get out of bed more. Im depressed and all I want to do is sleep. Sigh.. thank god i have Jesse to keep me on my toes. Going find a good documentary watch and call it a day. 

Its 3.38pm now, mental health went down bank a few hours ago and now im sat listening to my sons funeral song. Nelly Furtado, Childhood Dreams. Im fucking devastated. I wish I could just kill myself and be done with this life, because living is torture.!