March 2nd Monday.

Why am I like this? Why can't I accept that my dad and son are both dead. What's wrong with me? Ive been depressed since I can remember and I know its going to kill me one day because I can't keep living like this. I just want to die. Ive just got back from my mums, shes done my hair for me. Well shes done half my hair, I came home with my toner on, so just had to wash that off. At least I have nice hair. Mental health is shit, but my hair looks good. Told her im tired all the time and she said its my depression. I just hate getting out of bed and having to do this life. As much as I wish I was dead, I need to stay alive for my boys. They'd be devastated if I killed myself. I always think to myself i have more than enough medication in the house to overdose. This is how my fucked up my brain works! I just hate being alive. Can't have a relationship because my heads too fucked up to be with anyone. How can I even try to love someone, when I dont even love myself? Im so mentally unwell, I hate it. I hate myself, i hate the way I look because my medication has made me pile the weight on, i hate having to make conversations with people because I have nothing to say anymore. Death has destroyed me and my life. How do you carry on living when youve lost your dad and son? How? I wish someone could tell me its going to be ok. I just want to cry, my baby boy gone forever. The way I feel after losing my dad and son makes me realise ive got to stay alive because I couldn't bare my boys feeling like this. Its torture. Ive not self harmed since Jay-Dee passed away, but today I could easily slice my wrists open. That's just how I feel. My left arm is a right mess, covered in scars from years and years of self harm, so im trying my best to be strong. The thing about self harming is, it gives you a release of the pain youre feeling. My kids have seen my arm bleeding in the past many times, ive got to stay strong because I can't have them seeing me crumble and hurt myself. My boys really do give me strength. Without them I am nothing, which is why it hurts so much that my son killed himself. I stay sober because my life depends on it. I stay sober or I risk never coming back. I know id of killed myself already if I was still drinking, ive got to stay strong. God its so hard. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep the days away. Im not lazy, im severely depressed. The medication clearly isn't working and I need to tell my psychiatrist when I see her this month. Im going to tell her I wish I was dead. I need help. Group therapy didn't work. Ive had bereavement counselling, that helped, but it didn't cure me. Im not ok with losing my father and son. I dont think il ever be ok. We're in March now and im feeling no better. I can't do another year feeling like this. On a plus, im 4 weeks off the weed today.