March 19th Thursday.

Didn't sleep well last night, so ive been lying on the settee in and out of sleep and every time ive fallen asleep, ive been crying in my sleep. If im not crying when im awake, im crying in my sleep. Im so heartbroken. Jesse's in school. Contemplated not taking him when I first woke up, but dont want him having anymore time off, so I got up and took him. Hes nearly done 2 weeks without a day off. Im doing good. Had his letter for his Stanley Head trip he'll be going on in November when hes in year 6. Crazy to think hes going into his last year in September. Hes growing up so fast. Got to pay monthly for his trip and then ive got a list as long as my arm of things ive got to buy for him to take. Im broke all the time, but my boy will be going. Paid a 30 pound deposit this morning to secure his place, then ive got pay the rest off monthly. I'll do it. Don't know how, but I will. Didn't stay at the cafe this morning, I just didn't feel like it. Think its because I was so tired. Nipped the oatcake shop for a dozen oatcakes. I dont like the oatcakes from Asda they're like cardboard, you can't beat fresh oatcakes from the oatcake shop. I feel so sad inside, but I just keep going. I have to keep going and pushing through regardless of how im feeling. So tired of being sad inside. My heart will forever be broken, nothing will fix how im feeling. I miss my dad and son so much its killing me. I dont see a way out of this pain, only death and I know thats not an option because my sons need me. Just got to keep going.