March 27th Friday.

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Last day of school for 2 weeks, yay. Can't wait have a lie in tomorrow. All down my right side in my stomach is killing me, swear ive got a kidney infection. Going keep my eye on myself and go the doctors if it gets any worse. My heart aches today, just like any other day, but some days are heavy. Grief is heavy. Miss my son and my dad more than anything in the world. Thankful for my living children, but im grieving the loss of my father and son. Every day I live, is a day closer to my death. That's how I see it. I dont want to die because my boys need their mum, but death doesnt scare me. I was thinking about dying and you never know when you'll live your last day. We take living for granted. You never know when your death day will be. I welcome death, but not yet. I need to see my boys grow up. If it wasn't for my boys getting me through each day, id be dead already. Wonder how I will die? Do you ever think about your death or am I just morbid? Will depression kill me? Will I have cancer again at some point in my life? Who knows. Ive just got to keep getting through each day as hard as it is. Life shouldn't be hard work, but it is. I wish I could just end it all and be pain free. When I say pain free, I dont mean im in pain, i mean my heart is in pain. My heart hurts. Losing my dad destroyed me and then losing my son has killed off what was left of me. I'd say ive got my holiday July 1st to look forward to, but im riddled with anxiety about taking the boys on my own. Where do we go when we get to the airport? When we land, how do we find our transfer to the hotel? What if Jasper doesn't enjoy where ive chose for us to go? Argghhhh im shitting it. We're going Sol Katmondu for 5 nights. In Magaluf. I went a few years ago and it was amazing, so much to do on site if that makes sense. I was meant be losing weight, but that hasn't happened. I think fuck it, there'll be all shapes and sized women there. Life's too short to not eat the cake. Like I say, you never know when you'll live your last day. Anyway, ive been the oatcake shop for fresh oatcakes for tea. Im just doing a load of washing and thats my day. 
Damians Just sent me some photos of Jay-Dee at work that hes found and my heart just broke all over again.

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