March 12th Thursday.

Im angry some times at the fact non of Jay-Dees mates followed him that morning he killed himself. He was walking around Liverpool for 2 hours on his own before he decided to kill himself. It honestly kills me inside. Im angry that my son is dead. Bet it plays on his mates mind that they didn't intervene. If only someone followed him that morning, things could be so different now. I miss my baby so much, its literally killing me inside. I use to see my dad every single day and had phone calls off him everyday. Its a shock to the system. My world has been flipped upside down. My father and son are gone forever and I dont know how to live my life anymore. I dont know who I am or why im still here. God im so angry and upset. My brain can't quite believe what's happened. I can't process it all. Im struggling today. They're dead and never coming back and I dont know how to live without them. Its so easy for people to say 'they wouldnt want you to be sad', do you think i want to be sad everyday? Fucking no! I dont want to live like this. I can't help being sad everyday. Its alot to take in. Im struggling to process what's happened and its nearly 6 years for my dad and it'll be 2 years for Jay-Dee soon. Why am I still struggling? I have the odd better day, but these dark days outweigh the better days. I just want to end it all. Im tired of doing life. Mentally and physically drained. Im tired of life. Im well aware that I can't kill myself, it would destroy what's left of my boys. We're all struggling with life. How can I tell my boys words of encouragement when I wish I was dead. How can I tell them things will get better, when I dont believe it myself. I wish I could tell them things will get better, I really do, but I need feel it myself and how im feeling now, i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel im stuck in. How do you get better when you lose a parent and a child? My heart is broken. I wish someone would take this pain away that im feeling. I put on a brave face and smile everyday and its draining. If only people knew how close I was to the edge. One day the suicidal thoughts will over power me, I just know it. I dont know how much longer I can live like this. I have to remember the better days and just try and push through each day. Its hard. Its 1:04pm and im tired. Im always tired. On a plus, Jesse's nearly done a full week in school. Ive slow cooked beef and potatoes and made a pie for tea which is currently slow cooking in the oven. Doesn't matter how depressed I am, I still get things done in the house. I wish I had no responsibilities so I could just sleep my life away. Probably a blessing that I do have my boys to keep me going I guess. Without them id be dead already..

Seeing my dad and son in the Chapel Of Rest has destroyed me. Just broke my heart on the phone to my mum, bet shes sick of hearing me cry. I just want this pain im feeling to end.