March 21st Saturday.

Got up, got dressed and went the shop with Jesse. He went on his bike. Im showered and washed my hair. Can't remember the last time I showered and washed my hair. Im not lazy, its depression. Some days it takes everything in me just to get through the day without killing myself. So to shower and wash my hair is kind of a big deal for me. Jesse keeps playing Jay-Dees song, The Smiths This Charming Man, my heart sinks every time I hear it, but it also makes me smile that I get to listen to his favourite song and think about him. I miss him and my dad so much. Ive come to terms with the fact that im never going to heal from the trauma ive been through. I guess ill have to live like this until my day of death. Im always going to be a sad person, nothing will ever change that. Ive just got to keep living regardless. Its so hard getting up everyday and to fight the urge to kill myself. Everyday is a battle. Suicidal ideation is real and i have to live with it. Im going out tomorrow with a few friends at 1pm for dinner at The Dog And Partridge. Don't want to go, but im going. I know it will do me good and the catch up with my friends will be nice. Ive got nothing to wear because I dont buy myself anything, so ill be wearing a jumper and leggings. I really need to start putting myself first a bit more and treating myself occasionally. I always spend my money on my boys, they always come first and they always will. It will do me good getting out of the house tomorrow. Ive already decided I want a mixed grill haha im so greedy. Also, a few days ago I blocked that girl I was seeing, on everything. She was pissed up a few nights before messaging me and bombarding me with pissed up phone calls and I thought to myself, no! So I fucking blocked her on every social platform I have haha. Don't want to be with a drinker, been there and done that and its not for me. I realised that its my life and I get to choose who I want in it and Natalie wasn't for me. If im honest im happy being on my own with my boys. A relationship shouldn't be hard work and it was with her. There was a day a week where she'd get pissed up and I just decided im not putting up with it. Telling me she loved me after going on 2 dates in the 11 weeks we were speaking. No thanks. Anyway, going sort my hair out. Still keep thinking of shaving it off..